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Avatar universal

My bf is a cop, I have relapsed, I'm living a lie and I need SOMEONE to talk to.

Hello, I discovered this website, by chance, and I believe it was fate. 10 minutes ago I closed my eyes and prayed, and the next thing I know, I am here. I'm not even sure this is what I'm supposed to do, or where I'm supposed to post, but I just need SOMEONE to talk to. I have no one in my life I can be open with, as I am living a lie. 5 years ago I became addicted to Roxicodone. I grew up in a home with a police officer, which was a great source of inspiration for me, he was an incredible role model. When I was 22 I discovered the roxys, and became hooked. When my mother passed away 2 years later, I decided to check myself into rehab. Which went great. A year later I met the man of my dreams, he too was a police officer! I thought to myself, now I have a REASON to stay clean, someone to motivate me, because obviously, I can't have him, AND the drugs. I told him all about my past and he accepted me. He is hands down the most incredible human being to walk the earth, the moment he wakes up, his goal is to make me happy. I don't deserve him. He fell in love with the clean sober happy me. 6 months into the relationship, I relapsed, for a few months. I broke down and told him- he got down on his knees, prayed, and asked me to chose, and of course I chose him. I remained clean for a month, and when I was drunk at a party, upset because id just recieved word my father is now dying as well. I let my best friend inject me with dilaudid. And for anyone who has done this, the amazing rush you get isn't easy to forget. So like the idiot I am, I let the drugs take ahold of me. And for the last year, I have been doing dilaudid. I have tried to quit so many times, but I know, if I tell him, he will leave me, my life will be over, I will have nothing. And it's pretty much impossible to secretly detox in the house with a cop, which is why it's been IMPOSSIBLE for me to stop. It's to the point where I feel like I am too far gone, I FORGET what it's like to live without them. Every morning I open my eyes, my first thought is to end my life, i constantly think of ending my life, and how i will do it, because the guilt and realization of what I have been doing hits me at once. This was not the plan, this was not how things were supposed to go, i cant believe i ended up in this situation. I know deep down I am a great person, in there somewhere. I put on a happy face everywhere I go, but I am dying inside. I CANNOT tell him, because he is a gift from heaven, he will be heartbroken, he loves me more than life itself and it will KILL HIM. I want to be with him forever, I will never be loved more or better than he loves me. We just bought a house, and I want to start living a happy life, and garden, and be the happy go lucky full of life person he fell in love with.  I am lost. What I really need now, is someone, just one person, that I can talk to, who can support me and give me words of encouragement. I am on day 4 of no drugs, and every minute is a struggle. I know everyone who is reading this probably thinks I am a heartless person, and while that's not true, I do have a heart, I have to agree that I am a horrible person, making horrible decisions. I have began taking the steps to get clean, while 4 days doesn't sound like much, it's a start. Even if nothing comes of this post, no one responds, or I get mean responses, that's ok, because I already feel so much better, relieving some of the stress of my chest. I am sorry this is so long, I hope this website is what I think it is, a place of support. I have NO ONE ELSE. And I feel sad and alone. Smiling and kissing my boyfriend, pretending like everything is ok is so hard, but I do it, every minute of everyday. I hope this is the start of the end of these things for me, and if anyone who has been through it or is going through it would like to join me, it would mean the world. Thank you again so much for listening, it means more than you know!
55 Responses
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Avatar universal
First off, you are in the right place, you are not heartless, and nobody will judge you hear. Many of us here have lived a lie. It's embarrassing and we beat ourselves up over it. 4 days is a huge accomplishment, especially in your situation. I hope you have cut your sources. Can you go to an NA meeting? You have relapsed a couple times, just like many of us, so you need some kind of support. Maybe you can tell your man that you are feeling those old feelings and want to get support at a meeting. I say it all the time, addicts are some of the most tolerant, loving, generous people on the plant. That's why so many of us escape from this messed up world or some traumas in our lives. I just want to let you know that you are on the right track and will get your life back. You will get a lot more response in the morning. Keep praying and holding onto your God, nothing can defeat you with His help. Welcome to our community, please keep posting.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am in tears. You have no idea how long I have waited to hear words of encouragement. When I saw that someone wrote me I was preparing for the worst, instead I got amazing words of support. And I cannot thank you enough. I've been DYING to go to NA meetings, I was just so afraid someone who knows him would recognize me, and I don't want to make him look bad, because while HE accepts my past, some of his peers may not. But if you think it would be worth it for me to go, I will drive to the ends of the earth if you think it would be worth it! And again, thank you for not judging, your encouraging words mean more than you could ever know!
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Avatar universal
Ps, I hit a button and it said something about select best answer and it posted your comment again! Lol I have no idea what I'm doing yet, lol
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Avatar universal
I think a meeting would keep you from feeling so alone in this. You say you feel like dying and feel all alone, what could be worse? If someone sees you at a meeting, then they have the same problem. I found that I had to stop worrying about what anyone thought if I was going to live and be happy. You say you will lose everything if you get caught. Well, you will likely lose everything if you keep using. You know the priority. Heal yourself and all that other stuff will work out. In my meetings we say, "If you don't know what the next right thing is, do the next thing right." You are already 4 days closer to the real you, you can do this.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Good Morning Tee, and Welcome, Rushing to get my son out the door, but wanted to tell you, your not alone at all. We could have all written your post at one time or another. If you are on day 4, your golden with the physical. You will have a few more weeks of low energy, depression and lingering w/d symptoms, but you'll be fine. The mental is another thing. Yes, The more support the better. I detoxed,w/d, and am in recovery on my own. Just my circumstances, but I was at a point where it was do or die. I didn't have another detox in me. Can you go to an addiction councilor if meetings are too scary for you? Chances are your BF will understand, but I do know the fear of disclosing and that is your choice. I can just tell you the freedom that comes from not having to chase a high or even the pills to feel well is the most amazing feeling in the world. You can free your mind up to plan your future....marriage....kids....career. These pillls rob us of our emotions, happiness and self worth. Getting and staying clean will be a journey, but one I promise will be the greatest thing you could ever do. We think we are acting normal with our mates, families, friends etc while on pills, but (for me) not the case. Step by step...day by day, you can do this. Keep posting with any symptoms...for support ...or just to vent. We're here and we've been THERE. Prayers and hugs headed your way.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Welcome Tee:) so glad you're here. You're not a horrible person. You're a very strong and brave person that has a disease just like the rest of us here. I agree with Weaver that you need to attend some na meetings. It's nothing to be embarassed about, every addict has to work at staying clean EVERYDAY for the rest of their life. Congrats on 4 days, the worse of the physical withdrawls should be behind you now focus on the mental part and na would be a great step. Best of luck to you, keep posting, the people here understand you and care and support you!! God bless.
Helpful - 0
4149717 tn?1389503561
Hi Tee and welcome here! As others above me have stated, you are ina  great , non-judgmental place here! We have all been where you are today at least once. Some have already made it across, some (like me) are still getting there. The most important thing is you dont quit. 4 days is amazing!! I promise that soon you will start to see the clouds lifting!

As Weaver said, you should consider NA or AA. I have relapsed many times and the one thing I have already done differently this time is I went to a meeting. You think there are supportive people here?! You just wait until you go to a meeting.  Bottom line is I know your scared, as we all were, but You can do it!

Stay strong friend and were all here to support you!
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Welcome!  Congrats on making the decision to take your life back!

You've relapsed a couple times, so now it's time to get tough, figure out what exactly you did before that wasn't working, and try something new.  Aftercare is simply VITAL.  

You can seek out a private therapist who deals with addiction, as well as going to NA/AA meetings.  The more you do, the better.  Try a few different meetings out, and see where you're most comfortable.  From what the people here have said, they all vary a little bit with age groups, gender, etc.  Also, you need to go a few times before making a decision about that meeting... at least 4 or 5.  AA is supposed to be a bit more structured as far as the 12 step appraoch, and NA a bit more informal.  There is something for everyone, as far as meetings go.  If you start going to meetings...try to get a sponsor.  That's important, because with no one in your life knowing about this...you have no one to be accountable to.  That will set you up for relapse.  It would be great if you could confide in atleast one person in your life for that reason....if not, a sponsor would be a step.

Like someone else said, even IF you did happen to see someone at a meting you know...you're both in the same boat.  More than likely, you'd probably both be relieved to see someone you know, to be able to support one another.  Also, your BF knows you have a history of addiction anyway, so is it really that unusual for you to want to go to an NA meeting?  You could try meetings a little further from home.  Whatever you do, you have to have a solid plan in place and stick to it.

Also, be sure to cut all your sources, whatever it takes.  NO more alcohol.  Even if you've never abused it, it led to relapse before for you, and it will again.  Your judgement is altered when drinking, and your inhibitions are lowered as well.

You can do this.  Lots of people are successful, and lots of people (I'd even say most) relapse at least once, if not more.  That's why it's called an "addiction".  If it was easy....this forum would be empty.  You need to sit down with a professional, figure out what caused you to use, and to teach you how to undo that addict mindset.

Very best of luck to you...I know you're feeling down right now, which is normal durinf detox, but stop being so hard on yourself.  YOU are not a bad person.  You're a SICK person who needs help.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I really can't say anything anyone else hasn't. Know this, you are NOT. A horrible person!! We've all been in your shoes and a lot are still walking around in them! This is a fight for your life! Your future! A beautiful future with that wonderful man of yours! I agree with someone that said perhaps you could just tell BF that you might need meetings or therapy. Without saying too much but still allowing him to support you in some way. Or at least getting to meetings or therapy without him not knowing. Just tell him you have some things to work out. Hang in there sweet friend! We are all here for you! You will get an amazing amount of support from this group that be a bit overwhelming! It was for me anyway! To know all these complete strangers taking time out to help me, support me, encourage me without one but of judgement!! Stay with us and we will help you trough this!! Welcome and BTW, 4 days is freaking awesome!!! That is one HUGE milestone there in itself so go celebrate with a giant brownie or cake or buy yourself a new sassy pair of shoes :) if your tummy is up for it! If not, celebrate on the couch with a good movie and a nap! Hang in there! The light is there and you're almost to it!!! Congrats and welcome!
Helpful - 0
2103516 tn?1350948515
Hey Teej,

Welcome!  I know it's scary.  BUT you have friends here... and complete support.  When I'm feeling especially weak and anxious I put in my earbuds and listen to these lyrics and think about all of the love, acceptance and support that I receive here... it's like home:)


"HOME" by Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
Helpful - 0
3225128 tn?1347133998
Hi Teej ,
Your now on the right path . 4 days is great . others here have been in the same place you are in and will give you advise , hope , support , these people have gone thru it themselfs and now are drug free .
You can do it to . Stay 100% positive ,
Stop hateing yourself  , Hate the drug & what its done to you .
Post questions , Post when in the hardest times , it passes time .
Remember the stress & panic are the brain wanting its drugs .
Get tuff this won't last forever . A few days from now things will improve .
......Ron
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Love your post....(smile)
Helpful - 0
3517260 tn?1388877193
Heh teej,i really connected with your post i to got clean for the wrong reasons and ended up relapseing.I was in rehab for a year and got married my first year in recovery (thinking this will keep me clean) it worked for a little while but ended up back on the drugs.What a helpless feelng i had thought i would  be a drug addict for the rest of my life.I also found this website by chance and thank god i did got some life saving advice.You are not a horrible person you are a drug addict just like us.We all understand where you are at keep posting for support........keith
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
only thing i want to add is, alot of cops hav drug and alcohal issues if ur worried bout being seen at n/a got to a/a is much more socially excepted  but has the same principals
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
How are you doing today?  4 days is great!
Helpful - 0
1796826 tn?1578874779
Are you surprised at the total lack of negative feedback you're getting? Now you know: You are not alone. Every day you battle your addiction is a day you can be proud of. You will always be an addict, but if you take the right steps to never use, I think that makes you a better person than most, not a worse one. Read all the other posts carefully - they contain the wisdom from decades of clean time!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You're probably still in the middle w/d's today. I hope you come back on and let us know how you're doing. Everyone of us addicts, hid, lied, stole or cheated someone to get high. Just because we've done despicable things doesn't make us despicable people. My wife thought I had been clean multiple times. She too has been an angel that I didn't think I deserved. I lied and hid from her my relapses too many times. No matter how hard I tried I just kept failing. One night in the middle of my w/d's where I was lying in bed sweating, freezing and crying I broke down with her and told her I everything. I was so afraid that she was going to throw me out and give up on me. Because she knows I'm not a horrible person she was willing to pour herself into my recovery one more time. I have taken this help and run with it. I had to surrender all hope of fixing this on my own. I needed help from someone, anyone. I have started going to N/A and A/A meetings. At first I was afraid I would be spotted by someone I knew. I have coached sports in my small town for years. I was afraid someone would find out the honest, respectful guy they knew was an addict all along. After the first meeting I completely forgot about that and was so focused on my recovery that I didn't really care who knew. If I was serious about getting clean, I was going to have to embrace that and tear down the walls of my double life anyways. I know it's not easy, but st some point in your recovery this will happen.

Please let us know how you're feeling and if you need anymore inspiration.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Holy cow!!! Not to sound like a big baby, but I'm sitting here reading all these messages from you amazing people BALLING MY EYEBALLS OUT!! I never ever expected this, in a million years, a place where I could be open, and instead of getting horrible feedback, it was ALL love!!! I felt when I fell asleep last night, super exposed, I had opened myself up, and was just waiting for the backlash, and to wake up and be bombarded (in a good way) with SO much love, well, it has me in tears. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, because for the first time in FOREVER, I feel like I have a place, where I am accepted and encouraged. You all had SUCH amazing insight and advice. You all are so right about meetings, and I think when I start to feel able to function I will start to go. Right now my bf thinks I have the flu, and that's why I'm in bed so much. I can't wait to be active again. I'm ALWAYS sick and lethargic, making up some excuse to him about why I feel like crap. Poor guy. He always takes care of me, not knowing the horrible truth. Bad co and keith, I can't tell you how amazing it was to hear of people who have been in my shoes, all for my kid , I just bought it on iTunes! Haha. My gosh I want to respond to EACH and everyone of you, and thank you from the bottom of my heart, there's SO MANY though! Lol just know, that each of your messages was carefully read through tearful eyes and I am beyond greatful, that was REALLY the push I needed today :) thank you!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
So glad to hear that you made it through the night. You are in the exact position I was 35 days ago. I cried for 2 days. I was a mess. I felt like I failed my wife, my incredible son, my awesome parents, everyone. My wife had thought I had "beaten this long ago. I had hid my relapse as well. She congratulated me on my sobriety a few times (minutes after I had eaten or snorted any opiate I could find) and it was the emptiest feeling I had ever had. She has stuck with me far longer than I ever deserved. Now I have a lifetime to to pay her back for being so strong and supportive for me. I too had to have another flu, to get this far. Work was fun too, :)
Don't feel lost, consider yourself found. If it is truly your time to beat this, you're no longer lost. If you can accept that you can't do this on your own and you need help you will be fine. Use the N/A- A/A meetings, and this site to get through your worst times. I never thought I could get through the w/d's while living a professional life, being a dad, son and husband  but I have so far and it is getting better everyday. You're doing so great! Keep it up. Remember, good music and good exercise will make you feel better every time!

Bad Co
Helpful - 0
3225128 tn?1347133998
Hi Teej ,
I told most people i had the flu and that has caused a broken rib for a few days extra time .
Sounds like the Cop BF  really loves you , He will be so happy to get the new you back forever .
It's tuff but fight hard this will pass ..........Ron
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey Teej good to see your hanging in there congrats on kicking the diladid I to had to do that once it a tuff nut to crack I have found threw trial and error that programs like N/a make the diffence of staying clean or going back out there right now lets focus on getting you threw the detox and when your better you can hit a meeting your like many addicts you go threw clean times but for whatever reason wind up back using the meeting can break the cycle right now just give yourself a break your not a horable person your an addict....you came to a great place for support we all want to see you get clean so minute by minute if you have to you can do this best of luck and God bless....Gnarly
Helpful - 0
1700643 tn?1464846682
As u can c u have MANY people to talk to.as for u being a horrible,heartless person thats rediculous.if that were at all true u wouldnt feel the way u do,have4days clean,be so worried about the pain u will cause ur husband.i think u might be selling him short.he knows about addiction,its a disease.U need inpatient rehab.U need to be honest as u both love each other so much and he deserves the truth.what if u get clean and 6months,a yr whenever he finda out and u werent honest.he will feel like a fool and be devastated he hid this and lued.U can tell him and get n2a program.let him know he is angry and hurt,ur sry and love him so much and know that rehab is the only way for u to be able to get and stay clean and u will be honest from this point on.if u have him when ur craving u can tell him u need to get to a meeting.snt lose this because ur scared.if u love him he has the right to know the truth.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Ugh, I didn't sleep for a single minute last night. I don't know whethe to wear long sleeves and pants because I'm freezing, or shorts and T's for when I'm hot, it changes minute to minute! . Which makes sense! I don't really know where I'm supposed to write on here or how to get friends. But I just needed to yell to someone about how horrific today is for some reason. I was up all night and I am so tired but can't sleep, and I don't wanna get out of bed :(
Helpful - 0
2103516 tn?1350948515
Try to relax and breath and be patient with yourself.  The w/ds don't last forever!  I woke up today (day 4) feeling pretty good.  I'm not 100% but at least my hands and feet don't feel like they have severe sunburn anymore!  Ugh that sucked!

What I'm trying to say is that it gets better pretty quickly so hang in there!  YOU GOT THIS and we are all here to support your success!

Helpful - 0
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