I know this is a rather old post and I hope by now you are well on your road to recovery. I am sat here reading this crying my eyes out as I am in a similar situation and feel lower than low... right now I would say dirt is more worthy of happiness than I am. I too struggle with addiction, and have had some clean time thanks to rehabs and NA/AA. But a year or 2 ago, after yet another relapse, I did the opposite of what was suggested, I was fed up with the program and feeling like a failure and walked away. And for a while everything was ok. And now, I just don't know any more. I have a job, my family, a nice home, a lovely boyfriend who all, for the most part, think the addiction is just a part of my history but not a current problem. Well I am here to say the addiction is very much alive and kicking. I go 2 months or so swearing it off then the urges take over and before I know it I am high once again. Im really struggling with trying to keep up the facade of being ok for fear of losing everything, but fact is I am not ok. And this charade has ultimately resulted in incredible loneliness, having no one to speak to about it is the worst. I've just today signed up for a local service to get some treatment, something outside of working hours.. and am considering giving NA a try again even though I despise the thought of it. That being said, I despise the idea of losing everything, possibly even my life, more... as I said. I hope you are better and things are going well for you. All the best, you are not alone.
I know this is a rather old post and I hope by now you are well on your road to recovery. I am sat here reading this crying my eyes out as I am in a similar situation and feel lower than low... right now I would say dirt is more worthy of happiness than I am. I too struggle with addiction, and have had some clean time thanks to rehabs and NA/AA. But a year or 2 ago, after yet another relapse, I did the opposite of what was suggested, I was fed up with the program and feeling like a failure and walked away. And for a while everything was ok. And now, I just don't know any more. I have a job, my family, a nice home, a lovely boyfriend who all, for the most part, think the addiction is just a part of my history but not a current problem. Well I am here to say the addiction is very much alive and kicking. I go 2 months or so swearing it off then the urges take over and before I know it I am high once again. Im really struggling with trying to keep up the facade of being ok for fear of losing everything, but fact is I am not ok. And this charade has ultimately resulted in incredible loneliness, having no one to speak to about it is the worst. I've just today signed up for a local service to get some treatment, something outside of working hours.. and am considering giving NA a try again even though I despise the thought of it. That being said, I despise the idea of losing everything, possibly even my life, more... as I said. I hope you are better and things are going well for you. All the best, you are not alone.
Just checking in to see how you are doing~
Hi Teej, I just wanted to check in on you. You motivated me to get going and get through my Day 1 and so come on back. Nobody here will ever judge you or condemn you no matter what. Please come back and let us know how you're doing.
Just checking back in wondering how you are doin.I know kicking drugs is hard we all have done it.I am pulling for ya
Teej,
many people on here pulling and praying for you. You're not alone. Hang in there.
"Hello, I discovered this website, by chance, and I believe it was fate." You said it. Let us know how you are doing, no matter what happened. If you are sick, if you used, doesn't matter, don't leave us wondering how you are? A couple words will do. I'm high, I'm okay, anything, just stay with us. When people get their blood levels down and then use what they used to is when people overdose, please keep us posted.
How are you feeling and what are you thinking today? The lack of sleep and sick starts to play tricks with your mind. Stay with us and keep posting.
Hi Teej! I know your struggling now emotionally and from first hand experience, I know how devestating Cancer can be to a family, but like some others have said it is a trigger, but you have to fight it! DONT let it win. It was my last trigger when I was clean, I gave in and my addiction spiraled drastically out of control! Your father needs you more now than ever, and needs a SOBER you.
Stay strong and keep fighting! Your doing great!!
You need to remember that addiction is a chronic recurring illness. Your man sounds awesome and you need to trust in the relationship and the bond that you have. You clearly don't want the drugs in your life anymore and you clearly want him. I suggest to come clean. I have NEVER heard of anyone saying "I am glad I kept that hidden" or anything like it. Good luck and you have my complete empathy. I lived a lie for so long in a similar position to you and I lost everything. I just wish I had turned to my partner. Mail me anytime if you need to talk
I read your post this morning and you have been in my thoughts ever since. I didn't have the state of mind to read through everyone's comments but I am so glad to see you getting such a good response from everyone. You are an addict but definitely not a bad person honey. In fact I think addicts are usually very good people that have a very hard time dealing with bad things so we self medicate. It sounds like your husband really is a great guy and if he fell in love you then he must see something equally great in you. I am only on day 4 so I can't really claim to be able to give great advice right now. I will just say that I believe you can do it. Congratulate yourself for every thought you have that is anti-drugs instead of beating yourself up over the drug seeking, addict thoughts. I am figuring out that those take "training" to get to shut up. :)
I know how you are feeling....about not wanting to tell your boyfriend....the worry and shame. I was the same way. I just want you to think about talking to him...or somebody else who is close? But if he is your best friend, think about it. It was so hard, but when i told my husband, it was like the weight of the world on my shoulders was lifted. It was such a huge difference to have his love and support. Especially with this new development of your father being ill....it is a lot for you to deal with alone. I was only able to begin dealing with my addiction wholeheartedly after I opened up about it to my family. It really helped so much to not have to keep that secret any more. You need support from your loved ones, so please think about talking to your boyfriend.
You are doing so well... you have reached out here, and have gotten some great advice and support...you are moving in the right direction:)
Please please please don't go back to the pills. Uve come so far and it would be the worst decision ever. Ur life will become sooo much better just give it a few more days I promise it will be the best decsion u ever make in your life. Your bf deserves the old you and he will understand that your doing this for the both of you. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. This is gods way of testing your true willingness to get clean. Prove to him and yourself that you are not going back to the drugs. U will be stronger and better fit to be there for your dad. We are alll here for you night and day. Do not give in. Please. PM if you want to talk anytime.
I know the first thing you want to do is grab a couple of pills to numb yourself, I understand. BUT, that lasts how long, an hour tops, then what? You crash and sadder than before and probably mad at yourself for caving! You can do this! Stay strong honey! I know you are scared about your dad and I can imagine especially your mom losing her battle with cancer but know, cancer does not always mean death! So much treatment and meds, works miracles! What type is he diagnosed with? Hang in there sweetheart! The day is almost over! Another one bites the dust!!! Keep it up!!
Survivors are SO COOL!!
Warriors and winners!!
Hi Teej , I am a father . I had cancer and needed my family . I got thru it with their love and support . needed them .
Dr's fight cancer today with new drugs . I am proof cancer can be beat ...Ron
The fact that you Dad will be on pain meds for cancer can be a major trigger . Please be careful. ;)
I'm so sorry to hear that, but don't let it be a trigger. It is a motivation. He needs you to be you and you need to remember this time with an open heart and clarity. It's more important to get clean than ever. I really hope everything turns out and you have the strength to respond with love and sincerity rather than escape. Like I said in my first post to you, "Addicts are some of the most amazing, loving, generous, people on the planet." Pull up that goodness and be with your dad as you are, as you want to be. You can do it. Surrender this to your Higher Power.
I'm reading everyone's posts over and over and over. While I can't respond to each one cuz I feel like shiz, they mean the world!!
Just got a call from my dad. He has cancer. My mom passed from this 3 yrs ago, I'm 27, the thought of both parents being gone before I'm married or have kids is devastating. TALK ABOUT A FRIGGIN TRIGGER!!! gggggggrrrrrrrrrrr
Welcome to you! Now you have A LOT of "someone's" that understand you and you can talk to. I pray you will continue to talk to us.
I did not find this forum until I was almost 60 days clean. I did the w/d's
without all the knowledge available here.....and the love and support.
I knew if I "caved" I would have to start ALL over again. I was really sick and knew nothing about opiate addiction....going into this recovery process.
.
I had been bedridden for a long time prior to getting off pain pills. My body was truly unable to shower, go for walks or anything else. I watched the clock incessantly. I used to take my pills by the clock even tho I was taking two 10mg lortabs every hour!! So the clock was what I watched......I was unable to read, concentrate, hadn't typed on a computer for 2 yrs, and didn't know WHAT to do with myself?. You have the advantage of a lot of good experience here......what works for each one of us. You will NOT be judged as you have found out.
Each of us have a different history, age, drug of choice, etc. but our struggles and patterns are pretty much identical. Nothing works the same for each and every one of us.....but the pitfalls are pretty much the same.
I hear the immensity of the love betwn you and your BF. IMO, he WILL know anyway......and it will hurt him to think you don't feel safe trusting him with your truths, struggles, burdens.....that you are deceiving him. The deception will hurt him way worse than the truth. Sounds like he truly has an understanding and forgiving heart.....he will surprise you.
And if he is even a little bit "aware".....he'll know something is not right with you anyway. I sure hope you choose to cry, share and love on him. My hubby has stood by my side thru a lot of very difficult times......my lack of honesty is the MAIN thing that has hurt him. I am a very direct, brutally (at times) honest person. Anytime I was deceiving him.......it was connected to these addictive pain pills......then he became cautious and didn't know if he could trust me! I hated that.....and who I had become.
It only put distance between us.....and I SO needed his love.
When I was in the throws of my w/d's.....since I didn't know WHAT to do,
I just simply did what I could. I "listened" to a variety of things that helped me....I couldn't read or concentrate or process information yet....
I would lay with a body length hot pad on top of me and surrounded myself with pillows. I started a little notebook by my bed that I wrote down my symptoms in......then I could look back and see what was getting better each and every day. (that little notebook has come in real handy even at 123 days clean......I re-read it and am SO grateful.......I AM progressing even tho it doesn't seem like it some days)
Even if it was only ONE thing.......I knew I was going in the right direction.
You CAN do this girl!! And you are open to NA which is a fabulous plus for you. The world is literally full of addicts......many of us find something to "do" that masks our feelings.......the obvious ones of drugs (legal or otherwise) and alcohol, but then cigs, food, gambling, sex, cutting, shopping spending && that is not there to spend....and on and on.
What I realize now.....is I get to choose what to replace one behavior with for another. Is it healthy? In excess does it harm me? or my loved ones? You know there is a lot of judgement of drug and alcohol addicts....also a small group I went to thru my church (don't go anymore) were full of BIG time judgemental people both male and female... about my nicotine addiction. People can and will make you feel like yours is worse....sometimes.....but as we grow, love and strengthen ourselves....we realize many people are in a similar boat....they just are in denial about it. (oh yeah, work.....workaholics can destroy themselves and their families) My dad was an alcoholic and a workaholic so I NEVER saw him growing up.
Because it is such a normal and typical way to deny a problem, many say "well, I don't USE or DRINK that much!"
The answer I heard for that comment was powerful.....
"A man drank 3 times in his entire life. The 1st time he lost his leg.....
the 2nd time he lost his wife......and the 3rd time he lost his life"
I'll quit runnin off at the mouth......sorry about that.....just so much inside of me that gushes out......You are in the right place.
AND JUST FOR THE NEXT FEW HRS.......AND THEN THE NEXT FEW after that.....you WILL SUCCEED!
Blessings to you!
You're doing great! I'm so impressed that you've made it so far already, especially since you're feeling so bad. My husband takes Melatonin for sleep and it works so well! Just know that you'll start to feel better soon and it WILL get better! You're an inspiration to me since I'm only on day 1, so please keep pushing though. It will be so worth it in the long run! Oh, and go for a walk! I know that you're probably laying there in misery but do it! You'll feel so much better and it's so pretty outside these days!
"I know I SHOULD get outta bed." There's no should for now. Give yourself a break, we are only making suggestions. There's no wrong way to get clean. If you just lay there and do nothing but cry, you are healing, as long as you don't use. You will get through this and have the rest of your life to live, a real you life. Remember what it was like when you first got with your bf? You have so much to look forward to and you are on your way. Post as much as you need and stay with us. We are all routing for you.