My bf is a cop, I have relapsed, I'm living a lie and I need SOMEONE to talk to.

[Teej16]

Hello, I discovered this website, by chance, and I believe it was fate. 10 minutes ago I closed my eyes and prayed, and the next thing I know, I am here. I'm not even sure this is what I'm supposed to do, or where I'm supposed to post, but I just need SOMEONE to talk to. I have no one in my life I can be open with, as I am living a lie. 5 years ago I became addicted to Roxicodone. I grew up in a home with a police officer, which was a great source of inspiration for me, he was an incredible role model. When I was 22 I discovered the roxys, and became hooked. When my mother passed away 2 years later, I decided to check myself into rehab. Which went great. A year later I met the man of my dreams, he too was a police officer! I thought to myself, now I have a REASON to stay clean, someone to motivate me, because obviously, I can't have him, AND the drugs. I told him all about my past and he accepted me. He is hands down the most incredible human being to walk the earth, the moment he wakes up, his goal is to make me happy. I don't deserve him. He fell in love with the clean sober happy me. 6 months into the relationship, I relapsed, for a few months. I broke down and told him- he got down on his knees, prayed, and asked me to chose, and of course I chose him. I remained clean for a month, and when I was drunk at a party, upset because id just recieved word my father is now dying as well. I let my best friend inject me with dilaudid. And for anyone who has done this, the amazing rush you get isn't easy to forget. So like the idiot I am, I let the drugs take ahold of me. And for the last year, I have been doing dilaudid. I have tried to quit so many times, but I know, if I tell him, he will leave me, my life will be over, I will have nothing. And it's pretty much impossible to secretly detox in the house with a cop, which is why it's been IMPOSSIBLE for me to stop. It's to the point where I feel like I am too far gone, I FORGET what it's like to live without them. Every morning I open my eyes, my first thought is to end my life, i constantly think of ending my life, and how i will do it, because the guilt and realization of what I have been doing hits me at once. This was not the plan, this was not how things were supposed to go, i cant believe i ended up in this situation. I know deep down I am a great person, in there somewhere. I put on a happy face everywhere I go, but I am dying inside. I CANNOT tell him, because he is a gift from heaven, he will be heartbroken, he loves me more than life itself and it will KILL HIM. I want to be with him forever, I will never be loved more or better than he loves me. We just bought a house, and I want to start living a happy life, and garden, and be the happy go lucky full of life person he fell in love with.  I am lost. What I really need now, is someone, just one person, that I can talk to, who can support me and give me words of encouragement. I am on day 4 of no drugs, and every minute is a struggle. I know everyone who is reading this probably thinks I am a heartless person, and while that's not true, I do have a heart, I have to agree that I am a horrible person, making horrible decisions. I have began taking the steps to get clean, while 4 days doesn't sound like much, it's a start. Even if nothing comes of this post, no one responds, or I get mean responses, that's ok, because I already feel so much better, relieving some of the stress of my chest. I am sorry this is so long, I hope this website is what I think it is, a place of support. I have NO ONE ELSE. And I feel sad and alone. Smiling and kissing my boyfriend, pretending like everything is ok is so hard, but I do it, every minute of everyday. I hope this is the start of the end of these things for me, and if anyone who has been through it or is going through it would like to join me, it would mean the world. Thank you again so much for listening, it means more than you know!

[Addicted2long]

Please please please don't go back to the pills. Uve come so far and it would be the worst decision ever. Ur life will become sooo much better just give it a few more days I promise it will be the best decsion u ever make in your life. Your bf deserves the old you and he will understand that your doing this for the both of you. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. This is gods way of testing your true willingness to get clean. Prove to him and yourself that you are not going back to the drugs. U will be stronger and better fit to be there for your dad. We are alll here for you night and day. Do not give in. Please. PM if you want to talk anytime.

[Here4support]

I know the first thing you want to do is grab a couple of pills to numb yourself, I understand. BUT, that lasts how long, an hour tops, then what? You crash and sadder than before and probably mad at yourself for caving! You can do this! Stay strong honey! I know you are scared about your dad and I can imagine especially your mom losing her battle with cancer but know, cancer does not always mean death! So much treatment and meds, works miracles! What type is he diagnosed with? Hang in there sweetheart! The day is almost over! Another one bites the dust!!! Keep it up!!

[clean_in_ks]

Survivors are SO COOL!!

Warriors and winners!!

[Norco1947]

Hi Teej ,  I am a father . I had cancer and needed my family . I got thru it with their love and support . needed them .
Dr's fight cancer today with new drugs . I am proof cancer can be beat ...Ron

[YesLife4Me]

The fact that you Dad will be on pain meds for cancer can be a major trigger . Please be careful.  ;)  

[Teej16]

Ahhhhh you are SO right!