My bf is a cop, I have relapsed, I'm living a lie and I need SOMEONE to talk to.

[Teej16]

Hello, I discovered this website, by chance, and I believe it was fate. 10 minutes ago I closed my eyes and prayed, and the next thing I know, I am here. I'm not even sure this is what I'm supposed to do, or where I'm supposed to post, but I just need SOMEONE to talk to. I have no one in my life I can be open with, as I am living a lie. 5 years ago I became addicted to Roxicodone. I grew up in a home with a police officer, which was a great source of inspiration for me, he was an incredible role model. When I was 22 I discovered the roxys, and became hooked. When my mother passed away 2 years later, I decided to check myself into rehab. Which went great. A year later I met the man of my dreams, he too was a police officer! I thought to myself, now I have a REASON to stay clean, someone to motivate me, because obviously, I can't have him, AND the drugs. I told him all about my past and he accepted me. He is hands down the most incredible human being to walk the earth, the moment he wakes up, his goal is to make me happy. I don't deserve him. He fell in love with the clean sober happy me. 6 months into the relationship, I relapsed, for a few months. I broke down and told him- he got down on his knees, prayed, and asked me to chose, and of course I chose him. I remained clean for a month, and when I was drunk at a party, upset because id just recieved word my father is now dying as well. I let my best friend inject me with dilaudid. And for anyone who has done this, the amazing rush you get isn't easy to forget. So like the idiot I am, I let the drugs take ahold of me. And for the last year, I have been doing dilaudid. I have tried to quit so many times, but I know, if I tell him, he will leave me, my life will be over, I will have nothing. And it's pretty much impossible to secretly detox in the house with a cop, which is why it's been IMPOSSIBLE for me to stop. It's to the point where I feel like I am too far gone, I FORGET what it's like to live without them. Every morning I open my eyes, my first thought is to end my life, i constantly think of ending my life, and how i will do it, because the guilt and realization of what I have been doing hits me at once. This was not the plan, this was not how things were supposed to go, i cant believe i ended up in this situation. I know deep down I am a great person, in there somewhere. I put on a happy face everywhere I go, but I am dying inside. I CANNOT tell him, because he is a gift from heaven, he will be heartbroken, he loves me more than life itself and it will KILL HIM. I want to be with him forever, I will never be loved more or better than he loves me. We just bought a house, and I want to start living a happy life, and garden, and be the happy go lucky full of life person he fell in love with.  I am lost. What I really need now, is someone, just one person, that I can talk to, who can support me and give me words of encouragement. I am on day 4 of no drugs, and every minute is a struggle. I know everyone who is reading this probably thinks I am a heartless person, and while that's not true, I do have a heart, I have to agree that I am a horrible person, making horrible decisions. I have began taking the steps to get clean, while 4 days doesn't sound like much, it's a start. Even if nothing comes of this post, no one responds, or I get mean responses, that's ok, because I already feel so much better, relieving some of the stress of my chest. I am sorry this is so long, I hope this website is what I think it is, a place of support. I have NO ONE ELSE. And I feel sad and alone. Smiling and kissing my boyfriend, pretending like everything is ok is so hard, but I do it, every minute of everyday. I hope this is the start of the end of these things for me, and if anyone who has been through it or is going through it would like to join me, it would mean the world. Thank you again so much for listening, it means more than you know!

[Teresa1717]

Hi Tee and welcome here! As others above me have stated, you are ina  great , non-judgmental place here! We have all been where you are today at least once. Some have already made it across, some (like me) are still getting there. The most important thing is you dont quit. 4 days is amazing!! I promise that soon you will start to see the clouds lifting!

As Weaver said, you should consider NA or AA. I have relapsed many times and the one thing I have already done differently this time is I went to a meeting. You think there are supportive people here?! You just wait until you go to a meeting.  Bottom line is I know your scared, as we all were, but You can do it!

Stay strong friend and were all here to support you!

[nursegirl6572]

Welcome!  Congrats on making the decision to take your life back!

You've relapsed a couple times, so now it's time to get tough, figure out what exactly you did before that wasn't working, and try something new.  Aftercare is simply VITAL.  

You can seek out a private therapist who deals with addiction, as well as going to NA/AA meetings.  The more you do, the better.  Try a few different meetings out, and see where you're most comfortable.  From what the people here have said, they all vary a little bit with age groups, gender, etc.  Also, you need to go a few times before making a decision about that meeting... at least 4 or 5.  AA is supposed to be a bit more structured as far as the 12 step appraoch, and NA a bit more informal.  There is something for everyone, as far as meetings go.  If you start going to meetings...try to get a sponsor.  That's important, because with no one in your life knowing about this...you have no one to be accountable to.  That will set you up for relapse.  It would be great if you could confide in atleast one person in your life for that reason....if not, a sponsor would be a step.

Like someone else said, even IF you did happen to see someone at a meting you know...you're both in the same boat.  More than likely, you'd probably both be relieved to see someone you know, to be able to support one another.  Also, your BF knows you have a history of addiction anyway, so is it really that unusual for you to want to go to an NA meeting?  You could try meetings a little further from home.  Whatever you do, you have to have a solid plan in place and stick to it.

Also, be sure to cut all your sources, whatever it takes.  NO more alcohol.  Even if you've never abused it, it led to relapse before for you, and it will again.  Your judgement is altered when drinking, and your inhibitions are lowered as well.

You can do this.  Lots of people are successful, and lots of people (I'd even say most) relapse at least once, if not more.  That's why it's called an "addiction".  If it was easy....this forum would be empty.  You need to sit down with a professional, figure out what caused you to use, and to teach you how to undo that addict mindset.

Very best of luck to you...I know you're feeling down right now, which is normal durinf detox, but stop being so hard on yourself.  YOU are not a bad person.  You're a SICK person who needs help.

[Here4support]

I really can't say anything anyone else hasn't. Know this, you are NOT. A horrible person!! We've all been in your shoes and a lot are still walking around in them! This is a fight for your life! Your future! A beautiful future with that wonderful man of yours! I agree with someone that said perhaps you could just tell BF that you might need meetings or therapy. Without saying too much but still allowing him to support you in some way. Or at least getting to meetings or therapy without him not knowing. Just tell him you have some things to work out. Hang in there sweet friend! We are all here for you! You will get an amazing amount of support from this group that be a bit overwhelming! It was for me anyway! To know all these complete strangers taking time out to help me, support me, encourage me without one but of judgement!! Stay with us and we will help you trough this!! Welcome and BTW, 4 days is freaking awesome!!! That is one HUGE milestone there in itself so go celebrate with a giant brownie or cake or buy yourself a new sassy pair of shoes :) if your tummy is up for it! If not, celebrate on the couch with a good movie and a nap! Hang in there! The light is there and you're almost to it!!! Congrats and welcome!

[allformykid]

Hey Teej,

Welcome!  I know it's scary.  BUT you have friends here... and complete support.  When I'm feeling especially weak and anxious I put in my earbuds and listen to these lyrics and think about all of the love, acceptance and support that I receive here... it's like home:)


"HOME" by Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

[Norco1947]

Hi Teej ,
Your now on the right path . 4 days is great . others here have been in the same place you are in and will give you advise , hope , support , these people have gone thru it themselfs and now are drug free .
You can do it to . Stay 100% positive ,
Stop hateing yourself  , Hate the drug & what its done to you .
Post questions , Post when in the hardest times , it passes time .
Remember the stress & panic are the brain wanting its drugs .
Get tuff this won't last forever . A few days from now things will improve .
......Ron

[selfinduced]

Love your post....(smile)