My friends i failed... what now?

[duluthguy]

I did it, I was cleaning out my truck and found 2 percocet, I took them so quick I didn't even think about it... I cannot believe I did that... What do I do? I'm just shocked and mortified, 21 days down the tubes... I can't believe I'm even posting this... oh my...

[GeorgiaGirl1022]

Duluth. Where r u? R u ok? Post and let us know that you're ok.

[DayToTry]

Duluth,

Post and let us know how you are.  I'm worried about you.

[dominosarah]

Where you at Duluth?  I hope you are doing okay~~~~sara

[postgradpremed]

We say take it one day at a time, but then we put so much emphasis on "clean time."

It's not 24 days down the tubes...its 23 of success with 1 mistake...Over the past 24 days you hit it outta the park 23 times, that a .950 batting average.

You recognized your mistake and that will help you in the future.

If you want to start your clean clock over thats fine, but don't consider the time before it a failure.

[dede2121]

hope you are doing ok.
i go to meetings and i would advise against taking anyone. i would never take anyone in my family because they are not addicts and dont get it.
my brother lives beside a church that holds meetings several times a week and one time he was outside and said in a very loud voice that they were a bunch of drug addicts and alcoholics. it made me mad but i didnt say anything because he just doesnt understand.

[dominosarah]

So her uncle got thrown under the bus cuz you didnt tell your wife the truth or did you get the pills from him?   Our secrets keep us sick my friend..........sara

[IBKleen]

WOW..I can't believe what I just read. First off, the counselor didn't ask you how much you took and for how long or what it was because it doesn't matter. I think you went in with your own agenda and when it didn't go your way, you left. that was probably a mistake. Then you took your wife to a meeting? Do you know that most meetings are closed? Meaning, they are for addicts only and the reason being is to protect the people who are attending them and it also allows you to work on yourself and to be open and honest without worrying what your spouse will think. It is YOUR recovery, not anyone else's. You would have also been disappointed at the meeting because you would not have heard anyone discuss their DOC, how much they took, etc. There are people that I am friends with in the fellowship, for years, and if you put a gun to my head I could not tell you what their DOC was. It has nothing to do with their recovery.

So now what? You go it alone? I am very, very concerned for you.

You are right, there is a tremendous amount of support here and advise from members who are where you are and have been where you are but you don't listen. You keep taking your will back and doing it your way. Remember that YOUR best thinking got you here. You need other people to help you STAY here.

[duluthguy]

Thanks man, you have been huge for me! I heard one time that we want to remain small and humble so that we can fit in each others hearts, and once in each others hearts, we grow so big that we cannot get out. I want that for myself, to be so honest and upfront that you all know me from the heart, my temptations, weaknesses, etc... That way I cannot hide anything, it all shows on the outside the battles that I have inside, and when everyone knows or can see my battles, then they can help me.... And as you all know, I need help, lots of it!! God bless!

[jeffclowns]

what up duluth i am glad to see you on here being positive and just wanted to let you know your in my thoughts and prayers ,hey stinks you got sick but maybe that's like letting you know your body doesn't want them no more,so that could be a good thing ,just keep up the fight man and keep your head in the game your a great guy with a wonderful ginormous family that loves you and let's not forget your other family..your med-help family cause we all got love for you to man and want to see you succeed and i know you will so be strong and continue this journey my brother ONE DAY AT A TIME .GOD BLESS YOU DULUTH..your amigo..jeff..

[duluthguy]

Ok quick update- Sorry I had to work outside today and couldn't write earlier. The addiction counseler was a bust, no wonder I could see her the same day! She had a preplanned speech that was absolutely terrible and if i interupted her she would put her hand up to stop me, then continue on with her speech. She read it from a laptop and would just glance at me from time to time to make sure I wasn't falling asleep. I did tell her a quick version of my story, but it did not fit into her speech. She did not ask what my DOC was, how long I've been off it, cravings, nothing... It was 370 bucks and I walked out of there knowing that I had shut that door for the first and last time. My wife made an appt for a diff one but its not for 2 weeks, a good sign I think!

The NA meeting was at a homeless shelter / soup kitchen, I went there with my wife, it was cold and snowing and the line was long... We left because my wife was scared, it reminded me of that book by John Grisham (street lawyer), it was not a good place to be last night. So there is another meeting in a church in a better part of town tomorrow night, I hope you all understand about missing the meeting last night...

I do  have some lingering effects from taking 2 pills, one being that I got the sweats back yest and maybe a couple mins of it today. I also was puking that night that I took them, maybe my body wasn't acclimated to them??  Not sure on this one... I was also weak, like physically, although my mind was very clear and I didn't get the emotional WD's like I did 3 weeks ago. A learning experience to be sure, and now the cravings are very strong again. I don't know if this is the result of using or the normal part of this process, but I do not have a way to get more pills. My wife straightened out her uncle on leaving pills around and he agreed to lock them up. She does not know I took them two, I just told her my cravings have been really strong and told her about seeing them pills in his truck.

The outpouring of emails and notes and messages has been unbelievable!! I knew there were some awesome people on here, but it took me by surprise at how many people truly truly care. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Your love n hugs have been simply amazing, almost like a miracle, when I needed you all the most you just picked me up and carried me through! I do love you all with all my heart!! God bless you all and keep the encouragement coming!! Pray for me as well, I need all the strength I can get...

[dominosarah]

How did the meeting go?

[MV77]

Sweet, sweet man!  So glad you went to the counselor, good for you!  Hugs and kisses to you too yeah the friend kind LOL!  Glad you are still posting.....

[throwindatowl]

The glass is half full. Congrats. Those tears you talked about set you free. In a week, youll have 30 days clean, one day dirty. Always shoot for perfection but dont let a day derail ya. You got this. Its great you went and got some help dude. Your the type of person that gets the most out of it. Someone that really wants to do different.

[Nicole1105]

So glad you found more support!! Keep going to those appointments and meetings, they will save you countless times. Big hugs!!

[duluthguy]

Thanks to you all, you don't know how much I'm leaning on you right now!! I got right in to the addiction counseler with begging and tears! I think the sound of a grown man crying and I do have pretty good insurance that covered it probably helped... add to that the request to get in was from my heart, I don't want that life and this rattled my cage really bad! I want to be just like every one of you, posting my battles and going forward each day, it really hurt to reset my tracker... you all are so awesome, group hug to you all, and a big kiss to the ladies (not that kind of kiss, head outta the gutter!) Just the kind of kiss n hug that let you know I appreciate all you have done for me, thank you my dear friends!

[pillfree21]

I just want to second the comments by thowindatowel......those 21 days were huge and you should not allow this to completely wipe out that sucessful run.  That is the only drawback I have personally about counting days, because in your situation you are not really back at Day 1.  When you get knocked down, the only failure is not getting back up.  Get up dust your self off and keeping heading toward success. Overcoming addiction is truly a process.

[throwindatowl]

Hey, DO NOT TAKE THOSE 21 DAYS AWAY. Dont do it. Im really proud of dude and you should be proud of yourself too. I hope  you are bro. Please dont beat yourself up. You made 21 days. Most people cant make it 21 hours man so you did awesome. I sure hope you havent takin anymore. I just dont want ya to get sick again is all. One time you wont get sick bro. Trust me on that one, I know. Your a smart guy. You know what happens if you take those pills back to back days. you get sick. So dont ever do that,at least. Your getting to where you need to be and that one night will help you more than hurt you. Weird I know. Was it worth it? My guess is youll say NO. Remember that the next time you wanna get some or find um! Live and learn duluth if sooo proud of you man you dont even know. You dont even know. Please dont give up and start taking um everyday or everyweek of every month. I know you wont do that.

[IBKleen]

You found an addiction counselor and had an appointment in one day???? Holy Moly!! You don't know how lucky you are. It would take, at the very least, a month to do that where I live. So take advantage of it and get everything out of it that you can.

Relax and enjoy your meetings tonight. You are going to be fine.

Let us now how it went for you and hang in there above all else!!

[vicki595]

A meeting with a counselor and NA in the same day.  That's good stuff. It's what you need to do...you'll see.  Just thinking about you...

Let us know how it goes...

[GeorgiaGirl1022]

Jeff I laughed out loud at the thought of a "family" picnic. Now that would be something to remember. Especially cause we just might actually REMEMBER it. Love it!
Hang in there Duluth. You'll be just fine. We r not perfect but I have no doubt you are going to win the war even if you had a tough little battle. You are going to have a very happy successful story when it's all said and done. I've always knew you were a fighter from the first post!  Hugs from Georgia

[dominosarah]

Nice to see you on here and still clean!!  That is great.        sara

[lady67]

I can really relate to what happened.  After I got clean, I was cleaning the closet and found a few that were hidden.  I did the same thing as you, popped them in my mouth and from the time I swallowed them, I felt terrible.  We all have instances where we fall off the wagon, and the important thing is not to let it get us down so much that we go back to using.  After I did that I thought, I might as well quit trying to quit the pills because I can't do it.  Well I went back to using for a while but eventually quit.  I am so excited that in February I will have a year clean.  I will honestly tell you that a day hasn't passed that I thought about my addiction.  I can't wait until the day I just live life without thinking of it.  

You can do the same.  Stay on here, the support is overwhelming.  I have been gone for a while, but I plan to stay on here during the holidays.  They are always my biggest downfall.  Good luck to you.

[jeffclowns]

we are with you man so do whatever you got to do it's great to hear from you duluth ,keep up the fight ,god bless..jeff

[duluthguy]

My oh my, the outpouring of support is almost overwhelming, a huge hug to every one of you, without you I would most certainly be back in the thro's of addiction... I had a meeting with an addiction counseler this morning, and am going to a NA meeting tonight for the first time. I am typing on my phone from her office right now and it's hard to navigate this site on my phone, please excuse the long breaks between responses. I just wanted to let everyone know what's going on, I love you all, thank you from the bottom of my heart! God bless