My friends i failed... what now?

[duluthguy]

I did it, I was cleaning out my truck and found 2 percocet, I took them so quick I didn't even think about it... I cannot believe I did that... What do I do? I'm just shocked and mortified, 21 days down the tubes... I can't believe I'm even posting this... oh my...

[IBKleen]

WOW..I can't believe what I just read. First off, the counselor didn't ask you how much you took and for how long or what it was because it doesn't matter. I think you went in with your own agenda and when it didn't go your way, you left. that was probably a mistake. Then you took your wife to a meeting? Do you know that most meetings are closed? Meaning, they are for addicts only and the reason being is to protect the people who are attending them and it also allows you to work on yourself and to be open and honest without worrying what your spouse will think. It is YOUR recovery, not anyone else's. You would have also been disappointed at the meeting because you would not have heard anyone discuss their DOC, how much they took, etc. There are people that I am friends with in the fellowship, for years, and if you put a gun to my head I could not tell you what their DOC was. It has nothing to do with their recovery.

So now what? You go it alone? I am very, very concerned for you.

You are right, there is a tremendous amount of support here and advise from members who are where you are and have been where you are but you don't listen. You keep taking your will back and doing it your way. Remember that YOUR best thinking got you here. You need other people to help you STAY here.

[duluthguy]

Thanks man, you have been huge for me! I heard one time that we want to remain small and humble so that we can fit in each others hearts, and once in each others hearts, we grow so big that we cannot get out. I want that for myself, to be so honest and upfront that you all know me from the heart, my temptations, weaknesses, etc... That way I cannot hide anything, it all shows on the outside the battles that I have inside, and when everyone knows or can see my battles, then they can help me.... And as you all know, I need help, lots of it!! God bless!

[jeffclowns]

what up duluth i am glad to see you on here being positive and just wanted to let you know your in my thoughts and prayers ,hey stinks you got sick but maybe that's like letting you know your body doesn't want them no more,so that could be a good thing ,just keep up the fight man and keep your head in the game your a great guy with a wonderful ginormous family that loves you and let's not forget your other family..your med-help family cause we all got love for you to man and want to see you succeed and i know you will so be strong and continue this journey my brother ONE DAY AT A TIME .GOD BLESS YOU DULUTH..your amigo..jeff..

[duluthguy]

Ok quick update- Sorry I had to work outside today and couldn't write earlier. The addiction counseler was a bust, no wonder I could see her the same day! She had a preplanned speech that was absolutely terrible and if i interupted her she would put her hand up to stop me, then continue on with her speech. She read it from a laptop and would just glance at me from time to time to make sure I wasn't falling asleep. I did tell her a quick version of my story, but it did not fit into her speech. She did not ask what my DOC was, how long I've been off it, cravings, nothing... It was 370 bucks and I walked out of there knowing that I had shut that door for the first and last time. My wife made an appt for a diff one but its not for 2 weeks, a good sign I think!

The NA meeting was at a homeless shelter / soup kitchen, I went there with my wife, it was cold and snowing and the line was long... We left because my wife was scared, it reminded me of that book by John Grisham (street lawyer), it was not a good place to be last night. So there is another meeting in a church in a better part of town tomorrow night, I hope you all understand about missing the meeting last night...

I do  have some lingering effects from taking 2 pills, one being that I got the sweats back yest and maybe a couple mins of it today. I also was puking that night that I took them, maybe my body wasn't acclimated to them??  Not sure on this one... I was also weak, like physically, although my mind was very clear and I didn't get the emotional WD's like I did 3 weeks ago. A learning experience to be sure, and now the cravings are very strong again. I don't know if this is the result of using or the normal part of this process, but I do not have a way to get more pills. My wife straightened out her uncle on leaving pills around and he agreed to lock them up. She does not know I took them two, I just told her my cravings have been really strong and told her about seeing them pills in his truck.

The outpouring of emails and notes and messages has been unbelievable!! I knew there were some awesome people on here, but it took me by surprise at how many people truly truly care. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Your love n hugs have been simply amazing, almost like a miracle, when I needed you all the most you just picked me up and carried me through! I do love you all with all my heart!! God bless you all and keep the encouragement coming!! Pray for me as well, I need all the strength I can get...

[dominosarah]

How did the meeting go?

[MV77]

Sweet, sweet man!  So glad you went to the counselor, good for you!  Hugs and kisses to you too yeah the friend kind LOL!  Glad you are still posting.....