My friends i failed... what now?

[duluthguy]

I did it, I was cleaning out my truck and found 2 percocet, I took them so quick I didn't even think about it... I cannot believe I did that... What do I do? I'm just shocked and mortified, 21 days down the tubes... I can't believe I'm even posting this... oh my...

[MV77]

So glad you did post because we are here to support you even when "oopsy's" happen!  

You have been here supporting me and I will do the same the best I know how.  You made a mistake and you are aware of it and that is a good thing.  

Keep positive and you will get through this.....  : )  

[kimbo546]

Awww.. Pick yourself up, start fresh. Dont take anymore! Are you involved in any aftercare programs such as NA? Dont get to down on yourself. Keep posting. Kim

[vicki595]

This is the pitfall of trying to get clean without a plan in place. You need structured support and a plan for recovery from pill addiction. Now you know...and I'm sure you'll do everything differently the next time. Don't give up! Sometimes this needs to happen to convince you that you can't do it on your own!

I'm not shocked but I know how you feel and it's a very crappy feeling. Start again. Whatever you do,don't look for anymore or you'll feel physically terrible,as well.

Pick yourself up and go from here. You'll do better now that you've learned how cunning and controlling this disease is. You'll be okay. Just get a plan!

[IBKleen]

Dulth,

Don't even begin to hang on to "what if's" or "I should have" or any of that. It is over, it is done. the most important thing right now is that you pick yourself up and get back on the wagon. You need to learn from this and you really, really need to do something different.

All you did for three weeks was hang on. that could not have been comfortable for you and I heard you continually struggling with cravings. It does not have to be like this but you are going to have to listen this go round and get the help you need. It is not enough to just put the drugs down. You need to make changes and you cannot do it alone.

We're here to support you and I hope you start working a program of recovery and get through this.

[dominosarah]

This is why we talk about recovery care so much.  Now dont beat yourself up over this.  Grab yourself by the short hairs and come back fighting.  I know you have been having cravings so try and identify what is triggering these.  We never fail as long as we keep trying.......sara

[jeffclowns]

keep your head up man and continue the fight ,everyone's here for you bro and we ain't going to give up on you ,your a great person and talking with you these last few weeks has been awesome ,be strong and stay positive duluth really don't let this mess with your head ,i am rooting for you ,god bless you.jeff...

[duluthguy]

I just am so unbelievably tired, I cannot understand why I would even THINK of popping them things... I have to go tell my wife now... There was no good feeling, no "up", just made me tired and now sad... I am so thankful that I have you all on here, what would I do without my dear friends?? Will I go through WD's again? Thanks u all, I feel like I just let down the world...

[MV77]

There you go.....you got a bad feeling from them and that will help you figh this fight even harder than before.  Let us know how the talk goes with your wife.  

[vicki595]

Yes,you could go right back to withdrawal but I doubt it after only two...Don't take anymore. Drink fluids,eat dinner,and go to bed. Start looking for an AA/NA group in your area.  Do not beat yourself up. It's done and you got THAT out of the way!

[dominosarah]

Duluth, you only let yourself down as we understand how quickly it can happen.  Most of us have been there and that is why we always preach recovery care.  No you wont go thru wd's but you will take a beating mentally.  Hard lesson to learn but turn the negative into the positive.  Dont worry about the days, just do it one day at a time.  You can do it Duluth, i know you can!!       sara

[ImDONENoMore]

Your wife will understand as I'm sure she loves you.  Please don't be so hard on yourself.  It's okay - you'll get past this and you will keep going on.  Stay strong.

[eyeofhorus2010]

Boy, can I ever relate to that. I've started over 3 times now since August. That's why I'm so glad I found this forum. It's convinced me that it's important to develop tools to deal with cravings and that's huge but after a few weeks of being clean I don't suffer the cravings all that bad. What trips me up are those brief moments I find myself staring at them face to face and no one else knows. That's the area I need the most work on.

Don't give up now.. so far you've only tripped and stumbled but you didn't fall down completely. Stay strong and quit cleaning out vehicles. My garage is a mess but I don't dare start digging around out there anytime soon cause it'll happen to me too. At least that's the excuse I've been giving my wife for not doing it already. lol

[duluthguy]

The outpouring of support is so unbelievable i can't even comprehend it... I don't deserve this much love, I feel horrible but I had to admit it very quickly before the pills started talking. I hope I will recover from this, but I am going to go to a NA meeting tomorrow. I have never been to one of them and have no idea what to expect. It scares me just think of going there, i don't know anybody personally who has ever gone there. I don't have the idea that I'm better than anyone because you all know the truth about me, but I'm not a public speaker, the thought of telling my story in front of people gives me hives!! Can anyone help me as to what to expect there? What do I do or say? I can't fail, I have way to many dependants that need a normal dad!! I love you all...

[IBKleen]

Walk into the meetings and get a cup of coffee. It isn't bad. Find a seat as close to the front-table or platform-as you can. Have a seat. Take the cotton out of your eyes and put it in your mouth. Listen, listen, listen. You don't tell your story when you walk in, hardly anyone gets to do that. There is a lot that goes on at meetings so take it all in. Most meetings will ask if there are any newcomers. Raise your hand. Introduce yourself. Key a newcomer key tag. If they don't automatically give it to you, ask for phone numbers. They will be your life line. Men with the men and women with the women so find a group of men, introduce yourself. Get phone numbers, again.

this is your first meeting so it is all about you learning the process and the rules. they are a great bunch of folks with plenty of experience, strength and hope to share with you so take everything you can.

Remember, your mind is like a parachute---it only works when it is open. So keep an open mind when you walk through that door.....

[dominosarah]

You dont have to talk or tell your story so put your hives on vacation mode!!  Being scared is normal at first but you will soon feel right at home.  You may have to also go to a few of them to find the one that fits for you.  Sit and just listen to the others talk.  You will find out real quick that they could be telling your story.

[dominosarah]

IBK meant take the cotton out of your ears and put them in your mouth!!!  I was told that on occasion........

[Toby1863]

DuluthDude............

I'm glad you're going to a meeting. I was waiting for you to do that.
You'll be OK man. You've got soul.
NOW is the time to fight back. I've got your back if you want it covered.

Toby, stay tuned...
Here comes my clean-time WAR poem..........

[IBKleen]

What did I say? Eyes? Geez buddy, I am sorry. I think I need to get ready for beddie bye...

But you got the idea. Just relax. No one is going to say anything mean to you, at all. No one will bite. It is a very calming experience and I am sure you will feel right at home!!

[Toby1863]

For DuluthDude,
Again, I'm so happy you're going to a meeting!

Substitute the 'word' oxy, or oxys for percs or whatever the DOC happens to be at this very real moment.
This WAR poem is For you & your family.............and I know you love your family, it's time to love yourself as well, just as they love you.......

We few, we soulful few, we band of addicts;
    For he to-day that sheds his oxy with me
    Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
    This day shall gentle his condition;
    And gentlemen in the throes of addiction now-a-bed
    Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
    And hold their manhoods cheap whilst any speaks.....
    That fought with us upon our oxy deliverance day.

Apologies to Shakespeare.....T

[dede2121]

duluth, the good news is you only found 2 and that was it. luckily you didn't find a whole bottle of them. that would not have been good.
you said those 2 didn't make you feel anything but tired. so there you go. you dont need them. you wont have to detox from 2. just pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

i dont know if you can but you should try going to meetings everynight. i have been to at least a dozen meetings since i quit. a couple times i went to 2 meetings in one day. i have only spoken once. you never have to say anything if you dont want to. i just enjoy listening. everybody has a story and i learn a little about myself from each of them. so please get to one as soon as you can. i plan on going to 90 meetings in 90 days.

big hug to you,
dede

[duluthguy]

Thanks once again my dear friends. I can honestly say I never thought I would ever touch a pill again when I quit 21 days ago. I was strong and resilient, but oh so weak and fragile. The cravings just started in earnest on Friday or Saturday, although in reality the cravings were always there just in remission. I have the best friends in the world, you all, the ones that TRULY care. Though there is distance between us, I can feel each of your earnest advice and I can even feel your hugs, i'm humbled and boy did it give me strength. I want to be just like each of you, putting up a battle when I get the cravings, and I need help. I will go to the NA meeting tomorrow because I need every bit of help available. I want to be free, come what may, whatever it takes. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, I just want to give each of you a huge hug, consider yourselves hugged with an extra squeeze of love. I have new heroes in my life, each of you, I will post in the morning and as often as it takes- a new day of being pill free one baby step at a time. Pray for me.

Your humbled, fragile, weak but not broken friend....

[worried878]

Relapse is always hard...u end up right back where u started or worse,,no one knows the feeling of using and forgetting for a while how disappointed u r in urself///but it hits u now and then and u feel so doomed and depressed cos u cant control..and u use again and the feeling goes away...tis a viscious cycle

Breaking it is hard as addiction builds spider webs in ur brain which do not go away just cos u quit..the pills become like food or water if we r not careful

Relapse is so common among addicts that is is disheartening unless u take it by the ears and fight hard.  For me it was first, feeling stupid for using when I was going broke, attempts to taper unsucessfully, then a final...I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!  I was done..being frugal, I was losing everything..and I felt stupid...and I am not stupid and one thing I hate is feeling stupid!  LOL

I know for me, educating myself on everything I could about addiction helped tons cos I knew what to expect and why I felt the way I felt.  The health pages r full of great info!
I bought the supps in the thomas recipe and made a plan..I cut off all supply, told my doctor..exercised my 4 days off work which got longer each day and kept on.  I was excited I had quit and went to meetings every night.
Then about 2 weeks later the doomers hit me, depressed, not motivated to go to the gym..had to do rocket shots every am to go to work!  I was sinking into the couch...I was losing my entire social life cos I was so DOWN.  My physical wd was nuttin compared to this..PAWS I guess.  I used 100 plus of hydro for 5 yrs when I quit
I started craving...had stiopped my nightly meetings cos I thought I was home-free.  I was wrong as the worst was yet to come..I did not plan for this...this dreariness that overwhemed me..so I had to plan once again
I looked at the thomas recipe and followed it to the T.  For me, tyrosine helped me the most cos it gave me energy that was badly needed.  I also looked up other safe avenues to help my nrg that were non-addictive
Anyway, I got my nrg back and hit the gym daily and my meetings nightly...I made it!

it is a tough road to cleandom...it is do-able tho...as hard as it may seem,,,what u r doing now is much harder..using tears u down, it ruins ur soul..it ruins the part of u that has control and makes u who u r...worse thing for me as using also hurts those who love u as well

I can only say...if one relapses, they need to re-evaluate their plan...what did u leave out, what did u not exclude?  what coul;d u do differently next go-around?  We usually know these answers quickly yet those lil extra things are the avenues we resist
letting go is hard
And I wish u all the luck in the world

[Nicole1105]

(((Hugs))) I can relate...I've screwed up so much in the past few weeks myself. It stinks, it makes you feel like sh!t about yourself, and it makes you want to give up. But don't. Just brush yourself off and move on. These things happen. If it were easy to quit and stay clean, none of us would be here right now! :)

At least you didn't feel good or high when you took the pills. Try to remember that rotten feeling you got and keep that in your mind. Taking pills is NOT fun and it won't make you feel great. That's just wishful thinking. Now think about how good you've felt while you're clean. *That's* the feeling you want to hold on to!

[MV77]

And we are so lucky to have you as a friend also HUGS HUGS and more hugs coming  your way whenever you want and need them.  

Good night my friend and we shall talk again in the morning.  mv