Aa
who should we tell about our addiction, and who are we accountable to.
i saw this question below, asking do we or should we tell
our husbands and wives about our useing.
should we tell our children, and freinds.
i myself have told my wife everything then agian she is a recoverind addict for 18 years and has a better understanding then most wives.
my children know i am a recovering addict, but i do not go into detail with them.
It has been my experence that we need to be accountable to someone.accountabilty is a big issue, involving honesty.
most of us have lived this secret life hideing pills spending ungodly amounts of money and sometimes even to the point
of destroying our money situation.
being honest is very important but i think we have to have caution in this area, there are lot of people who think
once and addict always an addict.
one thing i found , once we have found someone we can trust we need to let them know when we relapse.
peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
our husbands and wives about our useing.
should we tell our children, and freinds.
i myself have told my wife everything then agian she is a recoverind addict for 18 years and has a better understanding then most wives.
my children know i am a recovering addict, but i do not go into detail with them.
It has been my experence that we need to be accountable to someone.accountabilty is a big issue, involving honesty.
most of us have lived this secret life hideing pills spending ungodly amounts of money and sometimes even to the point
of destroying our money situation.
being honest is very important but i think we have to have caution in this area, there are lot of people who think
once and addict always an addict.
one thing i found , once we have found someone we can trust we need to let them know when we relapse.
peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Starraven),
I am glad to hear from you tonight. That story about the cigs was something. And your father with the Ultram, he must be mixing! That is dangerous for blackout seizures. I was on a similar mix before and had blackouts for two hours at a time.
Pain management Docs check your joints, muscle strength and so on to see what pain you might be in. They may even take exrays or MRI possibly. My pain Doc I once went to just looked at my joints, said I had a joint pain disorder and prescribed Codiene. It took about ten minutes. I detoxed off the Codiene last February.
I am having some shortness of breath but that is the alcohol withdrawal starting to kick in.
As far as the Ultram. I did get the script, but the Doc was really weird like he thought I was drug seeking. He said I would need to talk to him next month if I want more. He says we had an agreement that he was supposed to be in close contact with the psychiatrist at the mental health center prescribing the Klonopin. I told him I could not help that they changed Docs three times in a couple of months and the newest one is a jerk. I was quite angry and he seems to be getting weirder. I think he just wants to make sure I am not mixing the booze and the other stuff again like last February. There are other GP'S here that don't care about the Ultram, but will not touch prescribing Klonopin.
Anyhow, for now things are okay, but you know how it goes sometimes. That's why I hate depending on anything because it can be used against you later. I never took more than two Ultram at any given time and only 50 mg's each and only when I am in severe pain. I could stand one now in fact as I am over due for that and my Klonopin by about three hours. Thanks for asking and for your concern, take care and God Bless.
(Sundown)
Guam is a beautiful tropical island, a part of the Mariana Island chain. It is located about 1,500 miles due east of Manila, Philippines. It has lush tropical jungle, some small mountains, tons of rain which I love and plenty of typhoons which I also love. It is warm year round which I need for my health along with high humidity. Ocean lovers would enjoy it for snorkling, fishing, diving, boating, etc. I love the jungle and go there often to collect plants. I love tropical ferns and orchids etc. Thanks for asking.
I am glad to hear you are safe and caught that fire in time. That could have been a trajedy.
Take care, and congrats on your continued sobriety.
Chatahan......wildcat
Good morning! It is posts like yours that keeps me trying to kick the hydro and alcohol habit. Congrats on your recovery, and thank you for your inspiring post about how it is possible to feel great without using. It brought tears to my eyes...maybe one of these days this can be me, although right now it seems out of my reach...what does it take for a person to finally get to the point they say "enough" and really mean it? Again, thanks for the great post - have a good weekend, Lisabet
Tae, thanks I think I should forget aboput it and see it as a sign-bad sign I will not even call there office mon, i guess if the check was the reason they will call me but I am pretty sure dentists have like a network-like a dental nite out lol and my ears have been burning lately-the kicker I work for a dentist but would never go thru that route with her been there she forgave me and I will go on be sick and dying and will never again call in a script or forge-I love her she gave me a second chance. I think Its a big NEON sign flashing over my head ,she cou
ld have put me in jail!!!!! Have a great one doll, love Badd
ld have put me in jail!!!!! Have a great one doll, love Badd
I too had zero sex drive, but I think it was before, I found I could be more intimate with my husband while using, that way I didn't care.
I did that once with a dentist but I went all the way and had a root canal on a tooth that wasn't to that point yet. I had insurance so they paid about half but I paid a good chunk out of pocket. The first time he gave me I think 15 lort, I called and said I lost it, he immediately accused me of being a seeker, right out asked, called all the pharmacies. I guess he couldn't find anything so he called me in a new one, he did end up after that giving me more scripts just a few. But thats why I think I ended up with my fake root canal to prove then wrong. You know I made him apologize and how dare he and I'm so insulted. He did apologize. I don't know if this was a tactic to get me to have my root canal among other dental work that he did, it may have been. I've done a lot worse, lets just say I should have ended up in jail were it not for a doc in the family and a pharmacist who knew them. So don't feel bad, you could do a lot worse. Just a note though if you've ever looked up drug seeker etc... on a search engine an read what there looking for, dentist are either number one scammed or close to it. Also tells you the excuses seekers use most often, go figure that they lost their script,meds somehow is one of the top. I don't know what to tell you. I just know that at this point I would be scared as far as "do they know" stuff. If you didn't spend a lot or you think you still have some credibility you might say something like my check passed now can you take the hold of my prescription. Depends what you think you credibility is. But maybe too this is a sign to move on and maybe time to stop before you get into any real trouble. Good luck hope this helps.
I did that once with a dentist but I went all the way and had a root canal on a tooth that wasn't to that point yet. I had insurance so they paid about half but I paid a good chunk out of pocket. The first time he gave me I think 15 lort, I called and said I lost it, he immediately accused me of being a seeker, right out asked, called all the pharmacies. I guess he couldn't find anything so he called me in a new one, he did end up after that giving me more scripts just a few. But thats why I think I ended up with my fake root canal to prove then wrong. You know I made him apologize and how dare he and I'm so insulted. He did apologize. I don't know if this was a tactic to get me to have my root canal among other dental work that he did, it may have been. I've done a lot worse, lets just say I should have ended up in jail were it not for a doc in the family and a pharmacist who knew them. So don't feel bad, you could do a lot worse. Just a note though if you've ever looked up drug seeker etc... on a search engine an read what there looking for, dentist are either number one scammed or close to it. Also tells you the excuses seekers use most often, go figure that they lost their script,meds somehow is one of the top. I don't know what to tell you. I just know that at this point I would be scared as far as "do they know" stuff. If you didn't spend a lot or you think you still have some credibility you might say something like my check passed now can you take the hold of my prescription. Depends what you think you credibility is. But maybe too this is a sign to move on and maybe time to stop before you get into any real trouble. Good luck hope this helps.
Suze,
That was quite a story about almost burning your kitchen out. That was the way I felt last night. Did you consider that your Dad fell down the stairs because of the Ultram? While considered a "non-narcotic", as I'm sure you've read it sure acts like one, so getting a high from it is certainly possible for some. Older people usually have a harder time with side effects like dizziness, loss of balance, etc. from drugs like that or any psychoactive drug. As for yourself, I truly hope the pain management doc can offer you some relief. You shouldn't need to suffer just because you are recovering, although you will need to be really honest with the doc.
As to the topic of sex drive, I can say at first I thought the hydro made things better (for maybe the first week or two), but I sure lost interest fast. Coming off has definitely made a hugh (no pun intended) difference.
Sundown
That was quite a story about almost burning your kitchen out. That was the way I felt last night. Did you consider that your Dad fell down the stairs because of the Ultram? While considered a "non-narcotic", as I'm sure you've read it sure acts like one, so getting a high from it is certainly possible for some. Older people usually have a harder time with side effects like dizziness, loss of balance, etc. from drugs like that or any psychoactive drug. As for yourself, I truly hope the pain management doc can offer you some relief. You shouldn't need to suffer just because you are recovering, although you will need to be really honest with the doc.
As to the topic of sex drive, I can say at first I thought the hydro made things better (for maybe the first week or two), but I sure lost interest fast. Coming off has definitely made a hugh (no pun intended) difference.
Sundown
Sundown- Thank God you acted so quickly and you are so right, you might not have if you were still using. Way back in 1995 my husband and I got in a huge fight and he ended up hurting me (to this day he remembers nothing, his shrink says he either blacked out somehow or blocked it from his memory) HE practiced some wrestling moves on me and we'll leave it at that. I ended up in the hospital and he in jail. When I got out I was on Tylox. Boy did I like it. Well apparently in my fog I turned the stove on late one night to light my cigarette (which I used to do alot when I couldn't find my lighter) and left the darn thing on. Luckily my father was living with us and got up for work at 2am (he is a chef) and came upstairs to see the cabinets above my stove had just caught fire. That stove was on for about two hours I imagine. I endangered the lives of my then 5 and 6 year old children. That is what I am most ashamed of. (anyone else have a story like that to tell? what was the worst thing you have done while on the pills or what is the worst thing you did to get the pills?, I feel like sharing, anyone want to share PICTURES, I love pictures!)
The worst thing I have ever done to get my pills was to call my dentist and tell him I needed a tooth extracted, (and he and I are friends anyway..fellow parrot breeders) in which I did, but because of work I couldn't make it into the office to get it removed for a few weeks so he would give me more then ten pills. I Lied to my friend and told him I couldn't get in the office sooner. I am ashamed of that and he is the kindest most caring and trusting person I know. Okay, so I got that out of my system.
Chatahan. I just read down on the threads today and saw that you posted to me. I'm sorry I didn't see it until today. Did you get all that mess straightened out with your Ultram prescription? Tell me what happened.
Badgirl, As far as sex drive goes when on narcotics? Mine was null and void. But I would still do it because I love my husband and we always had a wonderful sex life. Now that I am 39 days clean the sex is GREAT! WOW! (sorry if this is a little too much information for some of you)
I want to talk about Ultram though. I have mentioned before that I have had it prescribed to me and I hated it. I would take two at a time and it really didn't help with the pain, but I never took more because I had read about people having seizures.
Now, I also mentioned that my dad is on it. This man is nuts when it comes to taking pills, he will take handfuls of asprin, ibuprofen and ultram (he says no more than three Ultram at a time), all at one time. When I was on lortab on a regular basis he would just help himself to them and then I was always short and the pharmacy and doctor thought I was taking ALOT. It wasn't until my husband caught my dad helping himself that I knew what was going on and started to hide my pills. Even though I am an addict, I hardly took more than the two every six hours that I was prescribed simply because I didn't want to not have the pills and waiting for the day when I could refill. Is it possible my father is getting a high from three Ultram? Yesterday he fell down the damn stairs and landed on his forhead and I had to take him to the emergency room. ( He fell down the stairs of our deck and landed head first in gravel that got embedded in his head and he had to get stiches and also a very badly sprain hand) Now more pain pills in his hands and in this house! My percodan for my back that I threw out again, his Vicodin for his injuries and ME trying to recover!
I still have not given in to the percodan even though the pain is bad. I was able to go shopping with the kids, get my son's spiked hair cut he has wanted for a month, colored both of their hair (temporary junk) for a dance last night and car pooled a bunch of kids to and from. For that time I didn't think about the pills, but the moment i walked in the door I did. It really would feel good to be in a little less pain.
I have decided to go to a Pain management doctor next week if I can get in. Can someone tell me about this type of treatment? What can I expect? ect ect.
I need help guys! LOL
Carson..I just loved your post..It was wonderful. I hope you are doing well and i wish you would write more often here.
Lizzy, You are doing great!!! Congrats..I will email you soon! Okay everyone..anyone game and want to exchange pictures! (trying everything to stop thinking about those damned pills, so I am rambling)
Love to all of you
Suze
The worst thing I have ever done to get my pills was to call my dentist and tell him I needed a tooth extracted, (and he and I are friends anyway..fellow parrot breeders) in which I did, but because of work I couldn't make it into the office to get it removed for a few weeks so he would give me more then ten pills. I Lied to my friend and told him I couldn't get in the office sooner. I am ashamed of that and he is the kindest most caring and trusting person I know. Okay, so I got that out of my system.
Chatahan. I just read down on the threads today and saw that you posted to me. I'm sorry I didn't see it until today. Did you get all that mess straightened out with your Ultram prescription? Tell me what happened.
Badgirl, As far as sex drive goes when on narcotics? Mine was null and void. But I would still do it because I love my husband and we always had a wonderful sex life. Now that I am 39 days clean the sex is GREAT! WOW! (sorry if this is a little too much information for some of you)
I want to talk about Ultram though. I have mentioned before that I have had it prescribed to me and I hated it. I would take two at a time and it really didn't help with the pain, but I never took more because I had read about people having seizures.
Now, I also mentioned that my dad is on it. This man is nuts when it comes to taking pills, he will take handfuls of asprin, ibuprofen and ultram (he says no more than three Ultram at a time), all at one time. When I was on lortab on a regular basis he would just help himself to them and then I was always short and the pharmacy and doctor thought I was taking ALOT. It wasn't until my husband caught my dad helping himself that I knew what was going on and started to hide my pills. Even though I am an addict, I hardly took more than the two every six hours that I was prescribed simply because I didn't want to not have the pills and waiting for the day when I could refill. Is it possible my father is getting a high from three Ultram? Yesterday he fell down the damn stairs and landed on his forhead and I had to take him to the emergency room. ( He fell down the stairs of our deck and landed head first in gravel that got embedded in his head and he had to get stiches and also a very badly sprain hand) Now more pain pills in his hands and in this house! My percodan for my back that I threw out again, his Vicodin for his injuries and ME trying to recover!
I still have not given in to the percodan even though the pain is bad. I was able to go shopping with the kids, get my son's spiked hair cut he has wanted for a month, colored both of their hair (temporary junk) for a dance last night and car pooled a bunch of kids to and from. For that time I didn't think about the pills, but the moment i walked in the door I did. It really would feel good to be in a little less pain.
I have decided to go to a Pain management doctor next week if I can get in. Can someone tell me about this type of treatment? What can I expect? ect ect.
I need help guys! LOL
Carson..I just loved your post..It was wonderful. I hope you are doing well and i wish you would write more often here.
Lizzy, You are doing great!!! Congrats..I will email you soon! Okay everyone..anyone game and want to exchange pictures! (trying everything to stop thinking about those damned pills, so I am rambling)
Love to all of you
Suze
I have been re-using for about a year and I have no sex drive at all, I have not had sex since Ded 01 My husband takes 4 different high blood pressure meds so he has none either, or he could be boffing someone else, if I were not on pills I would care but I feel like this do whatever you want just don't ask me about my pills you dso your thing and I'll do mine. Anyone else have probs with no sex drive? I mean I am dead down there sorry to be so blunt. I am so scared of withdrawl. I get so depressed when I even think about it. I have been doing bad things and they are catching up to me, I have a tooth thta needs a root canal but right now it does not actually hurt but I have been going to dentists and getting hydro, one dr gave me 24 with a refill and weeks later another 24 with refill then rx'd me one more and said no more, the second one I went to I paid out of pocket and he gave me 20 and a week later a refill but my check bounced. Then I went to another one who absolutly gave me nothing, when I left I stopped payment on the check, with the explanation that he did not treat me he did nothing for me I told them I would pay 26 for the xray, then thurs I went to this guy and everything was fine he gave me 15 vikes, then when I got home his recptionist called and said my check was no good well, my hubby's direct deposit comes thru mid thurs/fri morn so I told her that, I even calle her the next day to tell her all was well and the check cleared, well, Those MF's called every pharmacy in my town telling them not to fill it. I think its cause they probably thought they were getting taken which this time they were not or at the most they have like a little dentist chat room or something and know about me, so I will not find out til mon whatt the deal is but my dentist shopping days are over for sure. I have some klonopin, clonidine and ultram to detox from I just wannt to stop doing this **** and have my old life back, I was creative, I wrote, I did so many things I cant do now I was an Ins Agent now to read the relisencing books make no sense to me. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up clean and refreshed and happy. Thanks for letting me vent hugs and kisses to all love Badd
im sure you are reading this, you are mistakein
about what i wrote , go back and read it.
i said it what you are thinking that is sick, like thinking
some one elses famly member, what i was say in a round about was
what about when you think of somes mom.
to me that would be sick. and that road of sickness
is a long road.
by the way are you the the person giving this board all the
problems, just a question.
if you have read me you know this is no place to screw around,
people lives are at stake here.
what is your beef with mr. michael.
he is who he is.
thall shall not judge.
you would not want to walk in his shoes.
you seem to have difficult time in your own.
peace and i am here for ya any time
about what i wrote , go back and read it.
i said it what you are thinking that is sick, like thinking
some one elses famly member, what i was say in a round about was
what about when you think of somes mom.
to me that would be sick. and that road of sickness
is a long road.
by the way are you the the person giving this board all the
problems, just a question.
if you have read me you know this is no place to screw around,
people lives are at stake here.
what is your beef with mr. michael.
he is who he is.
thall shall not judge.
you would not want to walk in his shoes.
you seem to have difficult time in your own.
peace and i am here for ya any time
Hi i'm still trying to reach anyone trying to recover from meth addiction. I've been taking buprenex for 10 days now. and already feel alot more emotions. I really think this method of detox is really going to work. but I still am wondering what its going to be like when I go of the bup. Please if anyone knows anything about this type of detox. I would really like to talk, It would really help me. It seems not alot of people get off meth and I really wan't off!!! HELP!!!!!!!!
I understand how liberating the is feeling of recovering your sense of physical and mental being is. When I was using I lost a lot of weight and looked like death warmed over (not in my eyes, but in the eyes of those around me, who, by the way, were afraid to say anything, becuase I have since found out they thought I had cancer). Over the last month I've gained back all the weight, and then some. I eat, I exercise, and I wake up each morning looking forward to the new day.
I'vr also found it much easier to talk to the people around me. I no longer keep the door to my office shut in hiding, but talk to the people I work with. I'm finding out about THEIR lives over the last 6 months, as I missed ever hearing about any of it. I can finally laugh again, and be interested in others lives, rather than what was my miserable exitstence.
Wishing you well.
Sundown
BTW How's Guam?
I'vr also found it much easier to talk to the people around me. I no longer keep the door to my office shut in hiding, but talk to the people I work with. I'm finding out about THEIR lives over the last 6 months, as I missed ever hearing about any of it. I can finally laugh again, and be interested in others lives, rather than what was my miserable exitstence.
Wishing you well.
Sundown
BTW How's Guam?
Okay, then I'm going to bed. Good luck! Tomorrows another day. And well be here, hang in there. HEART TAEME
First post to you !,just been reading through old threads ,that ******* guy and his arse lick buddys WILL NOT stop me comminig on this forum, so mrmichael go on chewing your 500 oc/s a day and I will post back CLEAN this time next year.Hellbent you I respect you seem to speak with a noble clarity,which is what people people in recovery want to hear.The problem with mr M is he is that he preaches what he does NOT practice. So 10 out 10 for giving him what for.PS Hippie the thread about wanking you mentioned incest (freud might have found that intresting).Anyway time to sign off for another year,no hard feelings chaps,all is fare in love & war.all the best CLEANMAN.
Catuf,
Congradulations on passing the main withdrawals and back into the world you once knew. I am glad to read you are doing so much better now. I hope to get to that point one of these months. I had that a couple of years ago but the booze relapse on and off since then has taken a toll. I hope this time I can get off and stay off. 30 days is usually the cutoff of the cravings for me. If I make it to the big 30 then I should be fine.
Again, congrats and take care.
Chatahan..........wildcat
Thanks for your thoghts. I remember when I was marking days 2 and 3 -- it seemed FOREVER until I got to 5 and day 30 was so far away that I couldn't satnd to think about it. Now the days are going by faster and I spending less and less time thinking about making the habit a thing of the past / hearing the whispers -- today it didn't even cross my mind for a full 7 hours.
I'm getting back to my old self in so many ways it's almost scary. There are some things that I thought were simply no longer a part of me; lost not through hydro abuse, but just to changes through the years. For example, I have always been known as a teller of stories. In any old conversation someone's comment would spur a memory of an interesting event and out it would come from me in story form. That characteristic has just been missing for I don't know exactly how long -- at least 3 or 4 years; the stories just didn't come anymore.
This week they started coming again. : ) As I sit here and think about why the memories that fostered the stories refused to surface I realize that along with all the physical decline caused by the hydro-abusing life style, there is the fact that I was only nominally present in most conversations -- I was either buzzed and paying far more attention to that, coming down and wondering how I could get away to take (or find) some more, struggling to just make it through the day because of withdrawal or in that post wd period where life is hard and emotionally flat and you spend all day telling yourself that you really don't want hydro (despite the fact that you'd kill for "just a little").
Another reversion is the re-found ability to "think on my feet." I was at a point where I shied away from situations in my work where I had to quickly respond to unexpected issues and questions. I had chalked this up simply to the natural loss of naive enthusiasm that younger men bring to the bar. After 15 years, I tried to tell myself, I was just over that and was unwilling to go through the charade. A not so subtle voice told me that this was not true, that in fact I was losing a fundemental requirement for my work due to the abuse and I tried to block out the voice saying "what if it's gone for good?" This was sort of a two-fold problem: I'm not sure to what extent it was a) actual LOSS of ability or b) freezing up due to lack of confidence brought on by recognition of some diminution in that ability.
In any event, the old ability is back along with the feeling that when I'm so engaged I'm doing what I was meant to do and very much alive. How ironic that in the name of seeking feelings of euphoria and lhappiness, I robbed myself of the very things I enjoyed most - the things that made me feel the most alive. I would say it was less the actual effect of the hydro and more the physical abuse my body suffered when I was binging. At the beginning of a binge I did just fine, indeed my mind seemed to be in high gear. But as it continued, I was trying to make it through more and more nights with only 3 or 4 hours sleep, more and more days where my total food intake wouldn't amount to a halfway decent breakfast, and more and more days with zero exercise -- I was a walking Zombi! But it doesn't matter if it was A or B -- even if it was "only" B, B comes with binges and for me binges come with hydro: I am unable to catch a hydro buzz on day 1 and then not again until day 15 or 20, etc. I go for the buzz on day 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5, with each day finding less and less of a buzz from the hydro, but only an anti-crash fix.
Another thing that is a big turn around is the way I feel in my body. 2+ months ago I felt like I was dragging myself through the day, every day. My body just felt like a heavy weight that I was forced to carry with me. Further, I was weak and had lost any sense of tightness or power in my body. EVERYTHING (except sitting and smiling when for a moment or two the hydro seemed to be working) was a terrible chore. Now, with the benefits of a) normal eating and sleeping and b) working out at least 3 times a week, my body has become virtually weightless. Where a set of even 5 or 6 stairs made me feel like Sisyphus, I now find that I'm at the top of long stair cases before I realize that I broke into a run without even thinking of it. As with the inability to engage my mind to the degree necessary to really do my job well, draging myself around feeling like a weak old man added to an overall sense of worthlessness.
Finally, and most importantly, I find that I have returned to a point where feeling good is the rule, not the exception. I'm generally happy most of the time and very happy some of the time. I'm honestly enjoying the little things that I recall making life great -- a vivid sunset, a beautiful mountain view, a 2 year old walking on my stomach and chest as I try to read. Staying off the hydro and making SURE I get rest, food, exercise and the recipe, I have found a sense of well being that I'm not sure I ever had (at least not for a long time, WELL before I ever heard of hydro). This is probably the best change, for I had long felt as if I would simply never be happy or enjoy life w/o the hydro. I believed I was doomed to day after day without joy. But, I was willing to accept that burden because life with the hydro had become mostly misery (talk about damned if you do and damned if you don't -- here there was the one thing in the world that could make the world good, but it not only didn't work most of the time anymore, it was making the world bad most of the time).
Well, it's now way past my bedtime -- gotta mind that sleep.
Sorry to ramble on for so long.
CATUF
I'm getting back to my old self in so many ways it's almost scary. There are some things that I thought were simply no longer a part of me; lost not through hydro abuse, but just to changes through the years. For example, I have always been known as a teller of stories. In any old conversation someone's comment would spur a memory of an interesting event and out it would come from me in story form. That characteristic has just been missing for I don't know exactly how long -- at least 3 or 4 years; the stories just didn't come anymore.
This week they started coming again. : ) As I sit here and think about why the memories that fostered the stories refused to surface I realize that along with all the physical decline caused by the hydro-abusing life style, there is the fact that I was only nominally present in most conversations -- I was either buzzed and paying far more attention to that, coming down and wondering how I could get away to take (or find) some more, struggling to just make it through the day because of withdrawal or in that post wd period where life is hard and emotionally flat and you spend all day telling yourself that you really don't want hydro (despite the fact that you'd kill for "just a little").
Another reversion is the re-found ability to "think on my feet." I was at a point where I shied away from situations in my work where I had to quickly respond to unexpected issues and questions. I had chalked this up simply to the natural loss of naive enthusiasm that younger men bring to the bar. After 15 years, I tried to tell myself, I was just over that and was unwilling to go through the charade. A not so subtle voice told me that this was not true, that in fact I was losing a fundemental requirement for my work due to the abuse and I tried to block out the voice saying "what if it's gone for good?" This was sort of a two-fold problem: I'm not sure to what extent it was a) actual LOSS of ability or b) freezing up due to lack of confidence brought on by recognition of some diminution in that ability.
In any event, the old ability is back along with the feeling that when I'm so engaged I'm doing what I was meant to do and very much alive. How ironic that in the name of seeking feelings of euphoria and lhappiness, I robbed myself of the very things I enjoyed most - the things that made me feel the most alive. I would say it was less the actual effect of the hydro and more the physical abuse my body suffered when I was binging. At the beginning of a binge I did just fine, indeed my mind seemed to be in high gear. But as it continued, I was trying to make it through more and more nights with only 3 or 4 hours sleep, more and more days where my total food intake wouldn't amount to a halfway decent breakfast, and more and more days with zero exercise -- I was a walking Zombi! But it doesn't matter if it was A or B -- even if it was "only" B, B comes with binges and for me binges come with hydro: I am unable to catch a hydro buzz on day 1 and then not again until day 15 or 20, etc. I go for the buzz on day 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5, with each day finding less and less of a buzz from the hydro, but only an anti-crash fix.
Another thing that is a big turn around is the way I feel in my body. 2+ months ago I felt like I was dragging myself through the day, every day. My body just felt like a heavy weight that I was forced to carry with me. Further, I was weak and had lost any sense of tightness or power in my body. EVERYTHING (except sitting and smiling when for a moment or two the hydro seemed to be working) was a terrible chore. Now, with the benefits of a) normal eating and sleeping and b) working out at least 3 times a week, my body has become virtually weightless. Where a set of even 5 or 6 stairs made me feel like Sisyphus, I now find that I'm at the top of long stair cases before I realize that I broke into a run without even thinking of it. As with the inability to engage my mind to the degree necessary to really do my job well, draging myself around feeling like a weak old man added to an overall sense of worthlessness.
Finally, and most importantly, I find that I have returned to a point where feeling good is the rule, not the exception. I'm generally happy most of the time and very happy some of the time. I'm honestly enjoying the little things that I recall making life great -- a vivid sunset, a beautiful mountain view, a 2 year old walking on my stomach and chest as I try to read. Staying off the hydro and making SURE I get rest, food, exercise and the recipe, I have found a sense of well being that I'm not sure I ever had (at least not for a long time, WELL before I ever heard of hydro). This is probably the best change, for I had long felt as if I would simply never be happy or enjoy life w/o the hydro. I believed I was doomed to day after day without joy. But, I was willing to accept that burden because life with the hydro had become mostly misery (talk about damned if you do and damned if you don't -- here there was the one thing in the world that could make the world good, but it not only didn't work most of the time anymore, it was making the world bad most of the time).
Well, it's now way past my bedtime -- gotta mind that sleep.
Sorry to ramble on for so long.
CATUF
Hippee,
I am way out in the middle of the West Pacific on Guam. I am 46 with a 23 year old son somewhere I hope he is still alive and I don't know about any grandkids from him. It's a long story partially explained on that long thread down a ways. Have a good rest.
Chatahan......wildcat
(Lizzym),
You are so right, they are a bunch of trash. Luckily our mental health center here is free, but you are mixed with psychos, schizos, violent criminals etc, both male and female. And then they are really rude to addicts constantly claiming they are not a detox center. One alleged nurse, on the job trainee, Corazon Buan actually tried to kick me out without any doctors approval last February. She thinks she's some hot ****. Wait till I find her somewhere around the island!!!!! No psychotechs to protect her!!!!!!Many fights ocurred between patients so don't feel that it is unusual to have some ***** thinking she is rough stuff for having a longer addiction like she was proud of it or something. Plus, remember everyone in detox is probably bitchy coming down from thier highs! She was probably court ordered and she took her frustrations out on you. Take care and good luck.
(Hippee), I should have read the top first about the loose lips thing. You sound better in these upper posts than the earlier ones. We all have our moments.
(Jason),
Get a life and a grip please!!!!!!! Why not plug sex into your search engine to get your jollies?
Chatahan.........wildcat
You and Body Mechanic are usually the ONLY ones who respond to me...maybe it's my name? Thanks for the info..I am not gonna let them get away for this..especially because of thier attitudes there when they didn't believe me that I din't ever do Cocaine or Meth's...the counselor looked at me straight in the face and said "tests don't lie".....when my second lab only 1hr later came back clean, I got NO apologies just then saying they lab must have made a mistake..I will definately look into the Better Business Bureau. You know, we go to these places for help and they use our vunderability against us. WHy would they say $3000.00 cash but charge an insurance company triple?? That is ridiculous! I KNOW my ins company will not pay that much. It took the nurse 8 hrs just to get an approval for 24 hrs.
Anyway, thanks so much for always listening and answering my posts. I wish everyone else here would do the same. I try to help as much as I can, and I know there are alot of good people here who help, but sometimes only the same FEW listen and answer
Anyway, thanks so much for always listening and answering my posts. I wish everyone else here would do the same. I try to help as much as I can, and I know there are alot of good people here who help, but sometimes only the same FEW listen and answer
This is a little off the thread here, but I just had an experience that I think is a lesson for us all. This morning, I had the maintenance guy in my apartment to fix my stove. I came home this evening, and thought I smelled gas. I went over to check the burners and next thing I know I had 3 foot flames coming up the wall behind the stove. Luckily, I've always kept a fire extinguisher next to the stove, so I was able to knock the fire right down. I was worried it could flare back up and the extinguisher was emtpty, so I ended up with the Fire Dept here who shut all the gas down.
The point is, if I was still using and had been "high", there would have been NO WAY I would have reacted as quickly. So think about all the close calls we avoided when we were using, and how easily we could have hurt or killed ourselves, our families, our loved ones. For me it is a lesson that clean and sober is the only way to survive, and that "escaping" reality can only lead away from this world, and you CAN take others with you, so you're not just putting yourself at risk, but those around you as well.
Anyway, thanks for listening, and I hope you got my point. Sorry if I rambled a bit, but I thought it was a good lesson for us all. Now I need to clean this place up.
Sundown
The point is, if I was still using and had been "high", there would have been NO WAY I would have reacted as quickly. So think about all the close calls we avoided when we were using, and how easily we could have hurt or killed ourselves, our families, our loved ones. For me it is a lesson that clean and sober is the only way to survive, and that "escaping" reality can only lead away from this world, and you CAN take others with you, so you're not just putting yourself at risk, but those around you as well.
Anyway, thanks for listening, and I hope you got my point. Sorry if I rambled a bit, but I thought it was a good lesson for us all. Now I need to clean this place up.
Sundown
no problem, i will always bw there to answer any question.
if i do not it means i am out for a while , but i read the post twice a day morning and night.
peace and good luck.
ps. it is always good to get a recomendation from someone
when dealing with these places.
the only one s i would trust is the christian rehabs.
tho i have never been to detox or rehab in my 30 years of
involvement with doing drugs and not doing drugs.
i can not stand to be confined. by the way a lot of the people who work at the rehabs and detoxs are aa members and na members who can't get a real job.
and i love na, but there are a lot of a holes there to .
for some of them it is a ego trip and thwy forget where they come from. to me they are prostuting there questionable recovery.
i think recovery should be givn freely as it was given to them
if i do not it means i am out for a while , but i read the post twice a day morning and night.
peace and good luck.
ps. it is always good to get a recomendation from someone
when dealing with these places.
the only one s i would trust is the christian rehabs.
tho i have never been to detox or rehab in my 30 years of
involvement with doing drugs and not doing drugs.
i can not stand to be confined. by the way a lot of the people who work at the rehabs and detoxs are aa members and na members who can't get a real job.
and i love na, but there are a lot of a holes there to .
for some of them it is a ego trip and thwy forget where they come from. to me they are prostuting there questionable recovery.
i think recovery should be givn freely as it was given to them
Oh my gosh! Thank goodness you reacted so quickly! I would've froze. Thank goodness you are ok..much damage? WHen I was on Hydro's, I was in such a fog, slow moving, forgetful. SO, you're right about the reflexes! Good luck with the cleanup!
Hippee--thanks so much for always being there! To me, this is better than any AA meeting...I find that MEN always try to use my vunerability there...And it's not my imagination..a couple of people there said that there are some holes in AA..some men go there just to get women who are in treatment..pretending that they understand..blah blah blah..but I do know all AA meetings or PA meeting are not like that. Just some.
Hippee--thanks so much for always being there! To me, this is better than any AA meeting...I find that MEN always try to use my vunerability there...And it's not my imagination..a couple of people there said that there are some holes in AA..some men go there just to get women who are in treatment..pretending that they understand..blah blah blah..but I do know all AA meetings or PA meeting are not like that. Just some.
No offense to you men here...I know not everyone is like that..so I aplologize if I offended someone here.
Hippie
"Loose lips sink ships" is an expression you do not hear very much any more. At one time it was cliche. It was an expression used by President Rossevelt during the second world war. I meant that if you had any information about shipping keep quiet about it. ie my boyfriend being shipped to France this week on the Queen Anne. If the information got out then the German u-boats would know where it would be and shink it. It was sort of a flip remark. What I meant was to tell as few people as possible and be very discrete about who you tell.
Lizzie
Medical offices, hospital and especially detoxes do this all the time. It is called a double billing schedual and it is against the law. You can make a big deal about it by getting a written bill from the detox and then sending it to the insurance company. It will probably be a waste of time. In my opinion dextoxes are the biggest waste of money. They give you inadaquate medication, treat you rudely, bring you to an AA meeting and kick you out when your insurance runs out. There is nothing that they can do for you that you can't do for yourself. In my city there is a 7-10 outpatient, methadone or bupenorphine, your choice and that will cost you $200.00 cash. If you need support go to 3 12 step meetings a day and ask someone to help you. AA/NA people are usually very good about supporting those in very early sobriety. If there is no outpatient detox in your area, this site has many detox methods to fit almost any drug and budget. I have posted the Joseph recipe a few times. There is also the Thomas recipe. I see no reason why both cannot be used at the same time. Either way I suggest you **** these money sucking, insensitive assholes that run these detoxes and use the very knowlegable people on this forum to help you.
Peace
"Loose lips sink ships" is an expression you do not hear very much any more. At one time it was cliche. It was an expression used by President Rossevelt during the second world war. I meant that if you had any information about shipping keep quiet about it. ie my boyfriend being shipped to France this week on the Queen Anne. If the information got out then the German u-boats would know where it would be and shink it. It was sort of a flip remark. What I meant was to tell as few people as possible and be very discrete about who you tell.
Lizzie
Medical offices, hospital and especially detoxes do this all the time. It is called a double billing schedual and it is against the law. You can make a big deal about it by getting a written bill from the detox and then sending it to the insurance company. It will probably be a waste of time. In my opinion dextoxes are the biggest waste of money. They give you inadaquate medication, treat you rudely, bring you to an AA meeting and kick you out when your insurance runs out. There is nothing that they can do for you that you can't do for yourself. In my city there is a 7-10 outpatient, methadone or bupenorphine, your choice and that will cost you $200.00 cash. If you need support go to 3 12 step meetings a day and ask someone to help you. AA/NA people are usually very good about supporting those in very early sobriety. If there is no outpatient detox in your area, this site has many detox methods to fit almost any drug and budget. I have posted the Joseph recipe a few times. There is also the Thomas recipe. I see no reason why both cannot be used at the same time. Either way I suggest you **** these money sucking, insensitive assholes that run these detoxes and use the very knowlegable people on this forum to help you.
Peace
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