How to help my wife

[ubamartian]

Hi,
  My wife has been suffering from Migranes for years, along with 2 herniated discs in her neck.  She has been off and on vicadin and stronger meds for years.  Lately she is going out all day and coming back saying she was just bumming around.  I thought she was cheating on me.  She has new friends and wont let me see her text messages and hides the phone, and walks out of the room when she talks on the phone.  I feel sneaky but I went through the car and her purse and have found at least 20 plus empty bottles of various pain killers.  She has even asked me to go to the doctor and fake back pain to get her some meds.  I also have found various receipts for walk in clinics around the state.  How do I help her?  I confront her about anything and she always has an answer and makes me out to be the bad guy.  Lately I think that she has been watching the Intervention show to see how not to get caught.  I love her very much and want to help her.  I feel that her pain is my fault.  I don't know how to help.  It's tearing me apart, and our son is suffering because his mommy isn't around.  She sleeps all day, and goes out when she is awake.  She never answers my phone calls, she ignores my text messages.  We are running out of money somehow....

HELP?

[Astray]

Is very difficult situation. First thing, though it might be tempting, is don't relapse yourself! Ex-addicts living with people are using is very risky so well done on staying clean that time.

What you both need is to be clean and happy. Its very hard to help addicts who are in denial, while is possible she isn't using it does sound a near certainty. Having an honest talk about it without it turning into a confrontation would be a good first step. It sounds like she still resents your earlier use so maybe explaining you understand that and to clear up any concern on her part you are still secretly at it and your reasons you think she is might help.

Perhaps getting two drug test kits and suggesting you both take them? I dunno if thats an idea, hard to help peple who won't admit they are using and don't want to be helped. Maybe your local Alanon group might have better suggestions.

[ubamartian]

I appreciate your ideas and support.  I just dont know if I am strong enough for that kind of confrontation.  I am a wimp with that kind of thing.  But if it is for my son I know I can be that way.  I have a different type of addiction and have been clean for a good year and a half, and that is why I feel guilty, and like I caused her addiction, because the pain started blossoming after my addiction came out.  I really hurt her during my addiction and she stuck by me.  But now she said she wants me out of the house, and then she says she doesnt, because of my prior addiction.  So that is why I am feeling really bad, I was really starting to feel good again and now I am almost as low as I was a year and a half ago because she said she wants me to go live with her mother for a while (whom I think I would throttle after 2 days :) ).  I don't have any family left alive so I have no where to go and we can't afford two places.  I just really feel stuck, depressed, angry, scared, guilty, afraid, etc.  I feel afraid to say anything to my friends.  I really do love her and want to help her.  

I know she isn't ready to admit it yet either.  I did allude to it 2 months ago and I got yelled at (which is not how we typically argue).

I don't want to leave her.  I would be lost without her, she, until recently, along with my son are my reason for being clean, happy and stable.  If I lost her and my son, I would be a mess.

[dominosarah]

I have a feeling your wifes new friends share the same activity.  You need to take care of you and your son now.  Drugs are very expensive and i am sure that is where your money is going.  I wouldnt put anymore into your account.  Check into Alanon as addiction affects the whole family.  Be upfront with her and tell her you know what is going on.  Until she is ready to quit nothing will change but there are things you can do to protect yourself and your son.  This isnt your fault.  An addict will blame everyone and will have excuses for everything.  Please keep us posted on how it is going.  We are here for you........sara

[more_fiend]

Oh my God, I am so sorry that you and your son are experiencing this.  I would agree that your wife has an addiction problem, she is showing the classic signs.  There are a few things that you might want to attempt.  First I would either change your pin number or change accounts at the bank.  Get her away from those new friends, they are enablers big time.  You must confront her.  I am sure it will be a relief to her that you know she has a problem and that you will support her.  That is if she is to that point.  What I mean is that she must realize that she has a problem.  Maybe if you point out how it is effecting your son.  With my husband, I was very supportive in the beginning but he took my support as me agreeing with him abusing drugs. I then had to get tough.  I took the plates off of his car, I stripped him of his credit cards and bank cards, cut his phone services, and informed him he had a month to start to get clean.  I am not saying that you should go to those lengths but you might want to be prepared.  My husband has been clean for 8 years.  I understand that he will always be an addict.  One day at a time.  Please keep me posted.  We are all hear to help in any way we can.  Good luck

[leeisgettingclean]

your wife is IMO in active addiction, and sad enough if she is not ready to quit, or worse not even admiting she is at fault, she prob is not going to quit..may i ask why you feel its your fault? sometimes the only thing you can do is figure out how much YOU are willing to take. I think you need to confront her so you can atleast open up the door to communication