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Note to self for 2014
Hello
I want to write down some very important things now because in a little while you will be feeling indestructible again. Trust me this feeling is not accurate. It's something that your brain has been trying to tell you most of your life for some reason that may never be known. I am writing this now because I am feeling pretty down. Although I should be at my best right now for myself and my family, once again I am not. Story of my life. But this has got to change buddy. 2014 has to be a brand new forever beginning, you have learned enough tough tough lessons, let's make full use of that experience now. First things first. Stop taking opioids. Just stop. It's not worth it. And I know the reasons. I feel fine now, I can just hang onto these and take as needed. But you won't. That has been proven. You had been to hell and back. Spent three solid weeks of unimaginable hell, you dedicate months of work just to blow it all away. Here you sit 8 months later just a fraction away to sending your life and the people in it into another unimaginable hell. And it all starts innocently. Just one. I need it. I don't feel good. I have a ton of work. It's still not worth it. Not if you are depressed or lonely or just for Saturdays at work or just for times when you have pains and aches. Those will pass. You have got to stay focused. If not you will lose everything. You spent an entire spring and summer recuperating. You rehabbed yourself and put in a lot of work. You were walking 4-5 miles a day with your family and down to a decent weight. Now here you sit Jan 1 in the cold, depressed about all the hard work you have blown, and blown up to an unacceptable weight. No you did not get 100% back into it all but you were closing in on it fast. And just this slip alone makes you sit here now in mental and physical agony just a millimeter away from feeling just about as bad as in the spring. It gets worse every time. Now you are counting the days back to work wondering how in the hell you are going to feel when you have to go back. With a brand new baby at home again. You are set up for succes right now unbelievably. Someone up there believes in you. You have a great opportunity at work and a great family. People believe in you. Do not didsapoint them. Let that pride work for you. But end it there. Don't let yourself get larger than life. No one likes a bragger. No one like an *******. Understand that not everyone will be held to your standards and things will not go the way you want or envision. And that's ok. Just be cool. Be helpful. Make a difference somewhere. Get yourself back into shape this year. You are set up to succeed. But you are also set up for huge failure. The only good thing about it is, it's all up to you. You have control, success or fail. It's in the choices you make. And believe you, you don't want to ever be sitting here again feeling like this. Remember the spring. Remember those feelings of terror the second your eyes closed, remember being afraid of the nights, just wanting it to stop but it won't no matter how much you want it it. Remember the hot and cold sweats, the chills, not wanting to get out of bed but have to to run to the bathroom. Rember how terrifying something so simple as getting out of bed to use the bathroom was. And how brutal showers were. And the smells you had to deal with coming from you pours. And the snot flowing out and down your throat. And the burning skin, and the deep thoughts of depression, and hopelessness, the the finical burden you put on everyone including yourself. There will be no digging out of it again. You are still paying for last time and you will be for years and years. And yet you are still set up to win. This game is yours to lose. You control your destiny at this time. Stay on course, you win. Take a pill, you lose. You always end up at the short end when deciding to use anything. Always. Just look. End of summer to now. Excessive alcohol, jumping right back to pills at the first reason you thought to be legit. And of course it was. But you go over board. And hey at least it's not you know what. But you know that that would not have stood. You wound have went right back down that road in deep right before you knew it. And you can't keep doing it. Can't keep going through it. I hope you read this every time you think about picking up a pill. You are not just hurting yourself. You never have been. You always take people with you. Don't do it man. Be better that this. Take the high road. Stay grounded, because soon you will feel good enough again to be a danger again. This is not something to be proud of. It's not cool being this way. The cool people take care of their ****. They succeed. They take care of people and themselves. They are not arrogant or self centered, and that's exactly what you are each time you pick up a pill.
Let's not watch another winter classic feeling withdrawls or being high. Let's not do this again. You are gonna escape this one relatively easily (which even relatively easily ***** tremendously). But remember you were mere millimeters away from the hell of last spring. Please don't do this again.
I want to write down some very important things now because in a little while you will be feeling indestructible again. Trust me this feeling is not accurate. It's something that your brain has been trying to tell you most of your life for some reason that may never be known. I am writing this now because I am feeling pretty down. Although I should be at my best right now for myself and my family, once again I am not. Story of my life. But this has got to change buddy. 2014 has to be a brand new forever beginning, you have learned enough tough tough lessons, let's make full use of that experience now. First things first. Stop taking opioids. Just stop. It's not worth it. And I know the reasons. I feel fine now, I can just hang onto these and take as needed. But you won't. That has been proven. You had been to hell and back. Spent three solid weeks of unimaginable hell, you dedicate months of work just to blow it all away. Here you sit 8 months later just a fraction away to sending your life and the people in it into another unimaginable hell. And it all starts innocently. Just one. I need it. I don't feel good. I have a ton of work. It's still not worth it. Not if you are depressed or lonely or just for Saturdays at work or just for times when you have pains and aches. Those will pass. You have got to stay focused. If not you will lose everything. You spent an entire spring and summer recuperating. You rehabbed yourself and put in a lot of work. You were walking 4-5 miles a day with your family and down to a decent weight. Now here you sit Jan 1 in the cold, depressed about all the hard work you have blown, and blown up to an unacceptable weight. No you did not get 100% back into it all but you were closing in on it fast. And just this slip alone makes you sit here now in mental and physical agony just a millimeter away from feeling just about as bad as in the spring. It gets worse every time. Now you are counting the days back to work wondering how in the hell you are going to feel when you have to go back. With a brand new baby at home again. You are set up for succes right now unbelievably. Someone up there believes in you. You have a great opportunity at work and a great family. People believe in you. Do not didsapoint them. Let that pride work for you. But end it there. Don't let yourself get larger than life. No one likes a bragger. No one like an *******. Understand that not everyone will be held to your standards and things will not go the way you want or envision. And that's ok. Just be cool. Be helpful. Make a difference somewhere. Get yourself back into shape this year. You are set up to succeed. But you are also set up for huge failure. The only good thing about it is, it's all up to you. You have control, success or fail. It's in the choices you make. And believe you, you don't want to ever be sitting here again feeling like this. Remember the spring. Remember those feelings of terror the second your eyes closed, remember being afraid of the nights, just wanting it to stop but it won't no matter how much you want it it. Remember the hot and cold sweats, the chills, not wanting to get out of bed but have to to run to the bathroom. Rember how terrifying something so simple as getting out of bed to use the bathroom was. And how brutal showers were. And the smells you had to deal with coming from you pours. And the snot flowing out and down your throat. And the burning skin, and the deep thoughts of depression, and hopelessness, the the finical burden you put on everyone including yourself. There will be no digging out of it again. You are still paying for last time and you will be for years and years. And yet you are still set up to win. This game is yours to lose. You control your destiny at this time. Stay on course, you win. Take a pill, you lose. You always end up at the short end when deciding to use anything. Always. Just look. End of summer to now. Excessive alcohol, jumping right back to pills at the first reason you thought to be legit. And of course it was. But you go over board. And hey at least it's not you know what. But you know that that would not have stood. You wound have went right back down that road in deep right before you knew it. And you can't keep doing it. Can't keep going through it. I hope you read this every time you think about picking up a pill. You are not just hurting yourself. You never have been. You always take people with you. Don't do it man. Be better that this. Take the high road. Stay grounded, because soon you will feel good enough again to be a danger again. This is not something to be proud of. It's not cool being this way. The cool people take care of their ****. They succeed. They take care of people and themselves. They are not arrogant or self centered, and that's exactly what you are each time you pick up a pill.
Let's not watch another winter classic feeling withdrawls or being high. Let's not do this again. You are gonna escape this one relatively easily (which even relatively easily ***** tremendously). But remember you were mere millimeters away from the hell of last spring. Please don't do this again.
Hey dude good to see you back and back clean for lifers like you and I you need a program of recovery for me N/A has been a workable solution to our plight of using setting it down for a wile only to wind up using again I have watched you battle this b/4 but you need a program of recovery N/A has a simple concept, I addict helping another addict dont just try a meeting our 2 immerse yourself in the program get a sponsor work the 12 steps and dont pick up anything alcohol included you can do this recovery is a mirical when it happens and it sure beets ''white knuckling' your sobriety so make 2014 the year you choose recovery , thanks for the great post now it is up to you to take your life back and mabe for the first time experience freedom from the very thing that has been trying to kill you. keep coming back.....Gnarly
After years of booze, then years of pills (28 altogether), I made all sorts of promises. But, as you posted, after a bit of clean time I KNEW that I could handle it - that things would be different this time. But it never was, and my addict's brain won time and time again.
Two years ago I'd had it (again), but was older and the addiction, even when I was taking the pills, was killing me. As you're aware, the longer I used, the more I needed; and it got to the point where I was taking them just to feel normal.
So, I flushed my remaining pills. Cut all sources. Told my secret. Got aftercare. Simple, but omit one step and you relapse.
I'd hovered around recovery, but ultimately the thought of NO MORE PILLS kept me lying to myself.
My opinion - therapy is something that is important, but cutting your sources and telling your secret are much more important. Why am I an addict? I don't know, and maybe I will never know. But I'm clean and continuing my recovery, which includes finding out what makes me tick. For me, above finding out why I use is to not use again. I think that the rest will follow, or not.
K
Two years ago I'd had it (again), but was older and the addiction, even when I was taking the pills, was killing me. As you're aware, the longer I used, the more I needed; and it got to the point where I was taking them just to feel normal.
So, I flushed my remaining pills. Cut all sources. Told my secret. Got aftercare. Simple, but omit one step and you relapse.
I'd hovered around recovery, but ultimately the thought of NO MORE PILLS kept me lying to myself.
My opinion - therapy is something that is important, but cutting your sources and telling your secret are much more important. Why am I an addict? I don't know, and maybe I will never know. But I'm clean and continuing my recovery, which includes finding out what makes me tick. For me, above finding out why I use is to not use again. I think that the rest will follow, or not.
K
I'm really glad you're back before you spiraled down any further.....and thank you for reminding us all what it's like out there.
I'm really hopin THIS time that you'll be open to some form of aftercare~
I'm really hopin THIS time that you'll be open to some form of aftercare~
I have tried some things. It really helped but not enough I guess. You are right. Time for something new.
This isn't your first bar-b-q. You know that if you don't do anything different you'll wind up right back here in a month, two months...
You've written a great post, but all of those words were in your head when you slipped or drank too much or whatever. I admire you're honesty, but it really doesn't amount to anything unless you do something different.
You have it in you to live a clean life; you want it, and you have a family who's waiting to see the real you. They deserve better, and you know it.
I can say this stuff because I failed for over 15 years; although I didn't write my thoughts down, I felt the same way you do now. Tired of my lies, buying my own BS, tired of putting my addiction before everything, including my family. Two years ago I finally did something different. And I've been clean ever since. It's not easy; it's easier to slip because, as you've said, your head starts telling you that you'll manage the pills this time - take only when needed, only a few...On and on.
I wish you the very best in the new year. You deserve to be happy, and your family deserves the person that you've only let them glimpse throughout the years. Take care.
K
You've written a great post, but all of those words were in your head when you slipped or drank too much or whatever. I admire you're honesty, but it really doesn't amount to anything unless you do something different.
You have it in you to live a clean life; you want it, and you have a family who's waiting to see the real you. They deserve better, and you know it.
I can say this stuff because I failed for over 15 years; although I didn't write my thoughts down, I felt the same way you do now. Tired of my lies, buying my own BS, tired of putting my addiction before everything, including my family. Two years ago I finally did something different. And I've been clean ever since. It's not easy; it's easier to slip because, as you've said, your head starts telling you that you'll manage the pills this time - take only when needed, only a few...On and on.
I wish you the very best in the new year. You deserve to be happy, and your family deserves the person that you've only let them glimpse throughout the years. Take care.
K
I am so glad you are back and getting back on your feet right in time for the new year. All that we can do is learn from our mistakes and move on. Proud of you. Congratulations to you and your wife on the new baby!
I'm doing ok. Had a really scary slip here the past few weeks. Enough to scare me straight. Most of the year I had been good. Had a few slips. Was probably drinking too much in the fall. Canceled out much of the good I had done during the summer. Really depressed about that. I look back at the summer and it pains me right now. I was working soooo hard doing so well.
great reminder post! I too could have lost everything, but by the Grace of God I was given a second chance...and only lost my pride...which was a good thing...i took it and ran with it, cuz I knew I wouldn't get that chance again!! hang in there!!
Hey Back2me. It's been awhile. How are you feeling? I'm really glad to see you back here and posting. We are here for you good, or bad. Please take care of yourself. Happy New Year to you and your family.
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