Off to the doctor, Time to get honest.

[Pat1956100]

I am so tired of doctoring myself.  I have managed to achieve feeling so sick, depressed and lots of anxiety so I guess it's time to listen to my doctor.
First time I am going not seeking opiates.  Hopefully I took my last today.
Had to take something just to get out of bed and be able to go to the doctor.
Day 1 will begin again tomorrow, no matter what.
Really, really sick and tired of all of this.
Rock bottom?  Yeah I think so.

[dominosarah]

Finally~~~

Let us know how the appt went.

[Sonrissa]

You, (We), have all done so much of our own doctoring, we should have a degree and the money that goes along with it! I'm hoping you find the answers and strength you need to begin your journey!

After rock bottom, there is no where else to go but up! We are here to support you with every step up that you take! You will get through this Pat! I'm always in your corner! Good luck with the doctor! Can't wait to hear how things go!

[Colorless]

We are all pulling for you!  You CAN to this!  I remember when I had my first doctor's appt. in over 5 years that I didn't request a refill for pain pills; in fact I told her that I wouldn't be needing them at all any more.  It was the most liberating feeling ever.  I was truly on a natural "high" much better and longer lasting than the drug.  Keep posting... we are here.

[Teresa1717]

Im proud of you honey and you know I am here for you no matter what"! I know you can do this and i wont EVER lose faith in you! Your such an amazing woman, and have helped so many here (including myself!)  And we are all here to return that favor!

Let us know how the doctor goes!!

xo

[4slenderthread]

Hello there -
I am so sorry that you're having to go through this ... but I'm glad you have decided that you have had enough. I don't necessarily believe that you have to hit rock bottom in order to turn your life around. You do need the drive and the will and a good support system. I would suggest that you begin going to NA. Narcotic's anonymous. Surrounding yourself with people that know exactly what you are going through! Eventually you may find yourself someone you admire, that's been with the program a long time and can be a sponsor for you. Someone to call when you feel as though you're going to 'back slide.' Some of the best people I have met have been long time members in the AA and NA programs. They tell it like it is, which is exactly what you need to hear - complete truth and total honesty. No matter how many times someone may screw up, they will understand and still be there for you! The program works as long as you work the program, no doubt about it. But you must truly commit yourself. Since you are just beginning to get clean. You're going to be 'shaky' for awhile. Chances are you aren't going to feel prepared to get out into the world for awhile .... but you hold on until that passes and you can make it to the meetings! No matter what, remember that you ARE worth this entire struggle! No matter what comes - you are stronger than you realize! Hold on to your goal(s) ... remember the person you want to become when this ordeal is over. I will keep you in my prayers -- feel free to message me any time you would like! Take care ... be kind to yourself and stand strong and resolute. You are fighting for the quality of your entire life and you ARE worth it! In time, YOU may be the  role model for someone that is exactly where you are now. I send all my very best! Bless you and take care!

[buddycrunch]

I'm so sorry you are down.   I've taken 3 of those trams two days ago.  I feel sick now, been having tremors for 2 days, no motivation to go work on my broken down loader, that in a doctor's back yard.  I'm back to hiding in the shop,  Ms Kansas told me to knock it off, I'll try soon. For the moment I just want us to make it through this day, you do what you gotta do Pat, but don't forget me   :)

I called my brother, he will come by tonight.  He calls me stupid for what i've done, as my bro, i'll give him that right to do so.

[YesLife4Me]

Buddy, Isn't it weird how quickly our brains pick right up where they left off with these drugs?   Sorry you are feeling so crummy.  

Pat~ We have all been where you are at.  Starting over isn't easy, but it is a new beginning, right?   You have us, and we won't give up on you.  

D

[selfinduced]

Chin up, arched back, and then get humble. Your two determined people and have done enough of the hokey pokey (one foot in and one foot out), time to pull out all the stops whatever those may be and turn this bad boy around before it takes you both down. Let us know what Dr. advises. This should bring you much peace.

[Fireby29]

I want to second what self is saying here.  You guys can do this, it's time to draw a line in the sand.

Bryan

[Teresa1717]

I couldnt agree more and echo what Self said!!!

[Pat1956100]

Thanks so much for all your kind words.  It means so much to me.  I am so glad you aren't giving up on me.  
My tenant (main supplier) has gone away for the winter, YAY!!! Also my other guy hasn't called here since the last time he stopped over to see if I wanted any percs so I have no temptations in front of me.  This is such a perfect time to do it.

My doctor visit went as well as it could.  He is just so hard to talk to.
I had a list so I wouldn't forget anything but he still is so damn dismissive, I felt he could hardly wait to get away from me lol.

I have to do more blood work to follow up on the high white blood cell count and low potassium.
He increased my Effexor which should help with the depression and anxiety.
He wanted to do that months ago but I thought I knew more than him.
He upped the Lyrica and wants me to take it for the pain.  I told him I no longer wanted to take any narcotics for pain but I didn't say I was an addict.
I really wanted to but I knew he didn't have the time.  
He gave me .5mg Ativan per day but I am only going to take them for panic attacks.
I think I covered everything.  Pain, anxiety, depression and NO NARCOTICS.
I do feel more positive and I have no excuses to self medicate anymore.

I know it's going to be a rough few days and I am going to need your support.  I just feel so exhausted from fighting this and am really ready to just let it go and whatever will be, will be.  Que sera sera.
Get that out of your head Sonrissa.  The Doris Day version.

[Pat1956100]

Now I can't get the hokey Pokey song out of my head.

[Teresa1717]

First let me say, thanks alot! Now I cant stop singing "Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be" Not Nice Pat, Not nice! :)

But seriously, I am so proud of you for not giving up wanting to win this battle! I know relapsing *****! (yes they are going to edit that out but its appropriate haha)  And is so much easier sometimes just say to hell with it, but you have the will to do this and you have the fight in your heart!! I know you can beat this thing Pat! You talking to your Dr is a huge step! Im a bit irritated with him for being so dismissive though! but at least he is going to try to help. I think your plan is going the right way, and I think your connects being gone will be a HUGE factor!! Just make sure if the perc delivery man shows up again that you throw a pie in his face! :) lol

Im here for you every step of the way my friend. Your never alone!!

[Pat1956100]

Oh Buddy, depression is horrible.  That is why I liked opiates so much because they were a temporary relief from depression until they turn on you.  I wanted that deep sadness to just go away and I would have done anything to make it go away.
Don't be resistant to your doctor's advice.
I have been and it's gotten me into this darkness.
Let him help you.  PLEASE!!!
I think 75 years ago people didn't handle it.  They were put in "sanitariums" and just left alone.  If help is there, take it.
We've come a long way baby.

[Ben727]

That is a very good question that I often wonder about. How did people handle mental health issues in 1940? (for instance). I do not know. I would suggest reading "Catcher In The Rye" for a take on depression in 1940-1950. Anxiety is relatively new as a disorder and my suspicion is that it's directly related to the Information Age. Life was a lot slower in 1940. And let's not forget drinking and smoking at work. That had to cover up a lot...

[vicki595]

Anxiety disorders can be traced back as far as the 1600's...
In the late 1800's, "nerves" we're treated with opium and alcohol and by the early 1900's came, my personal favorite, barbiturates...Self medication was popular then, as well...

So, Pat, you're in very good company but it's not good for you!  I hope for your sake this is the end. It's such a burden...
And be careful with the Ativan...

[buddycrunch]

You know that guy that wrote the 'hockey pokey' song recently died and they credited his long long long life to actually doing the hokey pokey so much throughout his life.  So now i'm thinking way back, 600 years, life would have been tough.  The myans, aztecs, africans, american indians,  frequently smoked something and danced around the fire to drum beats.  Someone on here has a motto about circling around the fire, and if you drift away from the circle you are in darkness.  I think they were doing the hokey pokey way back then!

[YesLife4Me]

This is a great conversation and something I was actually wondering about this morning.   "What did people do before for depression and anxiety".    I was thinking about the fact that humans are always looking for some kind of escape from the pressures of life.   Some turn to activities while others turn to some kind of mind altering substances.   Is this just the Human condition??  

I remember being a child noticing all the older adults that have some kind of crutch and wondering why life was so hard until life happened to me.   Nobody is able to escape this thing called life without pain, injury and scars.   We all have our skeletons in the closet, but why is it so much harder for some people than others?      

[YesLife4Me]

Whoops...meant what did people do "about" depression and anxiety before modern medicine?    

[Pat1956100]

My mother is 86 and has lost her husband and 2 children.  It amazes me how well she has handled it.  She doesn't drink and never takes anything stronger than a tylenol.  Even after surgeries she hates any pain medication because it makes her sick to her stomach.
She really is my hero.  
I know she was in so much pain and still is from losing my brother and then my sister but she has never turned to anything for help.
She does have a very strong faith and I think that is what has gotten her through.
I on the other hand didn't handle my grief well.  I couldn't take the pain.
I have always been extremely emotional even when I was really young.
I just think I was born this way and I have to learn to handle life without drugs.  
I have to stop the opiates and then get off the effexor when I am ready.
The opiates are what have caused all my problems so I have to concentrate on that right now.  Anything more is too overwhelming

Vicki, I will be very careful with the ativan.  He was going to prescribe 1mg but I asked for .5.   I do not want another addiction and I am glad I have read so much on this forum or it could have happened.

[YesLife4Me]

Sounds like my Gramma.   She died last year at 94 years young from cancer.   She was very strong in her faith, lost her husband and one of her oldest daughter a few years prior to alcoholism.   I know they say it is a disease that runs in the family, and oh boy, does it run in my family!     I had a rough childhood too.  Always felt like something was wrong with me, not quite normal, even though people say I am very intelligent, pretty and have a lot going for me.   I still struggle to see what others see in me.  

You have the right mindset...one second, one minute, one day at a time.  That's all we really have anyhow.  :)

[vicki595]

You DO have so much insight Pat...you always have. Now, how are you going to "learn how to handle life without drugs"?  It requires a plan and a commitment for every, single day. It requires many personal changes and behaviour changes...AA, of course, is available to you and there are other groups and things you can do but you have to do something, just as I did...

I'm glad you're on the lower dose of Ativan and just reserving it for panic times...

[dominosarah]

Pat...When are you going to check into some type of counseling?  Putting down the meds is a start but we gotta get to the root of the problem.  You and i have some grieving to do.......

[Pat1956100]

Yes we do and I need some counseling.  I was thinking today about the drug addiction therapist that is available.  I checked it out before but freaked out when I found out that the first interview was in a group.
For some reason that doesn't scare me anymore.
I am thinking that would be a good start????
I hope you are letting out your grief sara and have people around you that support you and try to understand.
Remember it's okay to cry and feel the pain.  
I am going to try and take my own advice.