Aa
Dealing with Relationship Addiction
My boyfriend of 10 years, whom I have a child with, has an addiction to prescription pills.. Its getting harder & harder for me to just sit back & smile to friends, family, & co-workers.. I have an alcoholic mother whom I have had to basically take care of my whole life & this is the last situation I thought I'd be in!!! My life is a roller coaster every day, every week.. I never know what I will come home to... Payday is the worst because i know there's always going to be an excuse to money missing.. The lies are to much to handle.. Its getting to the point that I don't even know if hes high or not because he always looks it.. I have lost all respect for us. I would do anything to help him but he will not admit he has a problem, in fact he will not even talk about it.. Its a fight.. I love him to death & because I grew up without a father I am deathly afraid to let my child grow up without a father.. But it is killing me inside.. All I do is cry.. But I can't get the truth out & I can't afford to live on my own.. I would be on the streets.. Not to mention I'm starting to blame myself for enabling him.. Please advise? Is it worth it?
krissy, you could try this! It is alanon online! http://www.ola-is.org/
My husband is/was an alcoholic. He was using the alcohol to mask the pain from being bipolar and not knowing. We finally got him diagnosed, but the drinking is still an off again on again issue. He has what is called a dual diagnoses. Men often resist getting mental health support and deal with mental health issues thru drinking or drugging. Something to consider.
My husband is/was an alcoholic. He was using the alcohol to mask the pain from being bipolar and not knowing. We finally got him diagnosed, but the drinking is still an off again on again issue. He has what is called a dual diagnoses. Men often resist getting mental health support and deal with mental health issues thru drinking or drugging. Something to consider.
Addiction started in the beginning of 2008. While I was giving birth he was taking pills outside in the car.. He was on & off in 2009.. 2010 was very bad. He did rehab for about 3 hours.. I had thought he hit rock bottom but he didn't. I had an intervention with one of his parents in Nov of 2010 & he was clean, cold turkey, until April of this year.. It has been hell ever since..
I used to Al-anon meetings when I was a child while my mother went to the AA meetings.. I don't remember them much. I checked online & there aren't any near me. The closest one is like an hour away..
Thank you for your comment. I have read it & re-read it over & over.. I have been on this website reading for a couple days now.. I read & cry because for the 1st time I'm reading my thoughts through other people.. Not to think I'm the only person with a spouse with addiction issues but the deep down thoughts.. Like is it me? Is it something I did? Or why does he lie to me? Like its always my fault.. I have lost sight of myself & my needs due to his addiction.. Like I had said my life is a roller coaster and some days are great some days are bad. It just depends on if he is using or not? When they are good I feel like we just sweep the problem under the rug & if I bring anything up its a fight. I keep hoping that he will wake up one day & just stop but it hasn't happened yet. I have been lied to & stolen from time & time again.. I just can't get up & leave but i have a feeling it will only get worse.. As far as I know its only perks that he is taking but what if it escalates to something else?? I would never know.. The not knowing is whats killing me... Him being in denial is even worse!!
Don't blame yourself for enabling him. It's something we family members fall into without hardly realizing it. I look at what addicts and their families endure over time and compare it to boiling frogs. It's so easy to ignore the signs of trouble and deny the problem that by the time we reach that point we wonder how our lives got turned upside down. It seems like the insanity happened overnight but it didn't.
Enabling or not, there is nothing you can do to make him stop or even make him see that he has a problem. That's entirely up to him. All we can do is detach ourselves and allow them to feel the consequences of their substance abuse. No calling the boss with excuses; no excuses of any kind to anyone as a matter of fact. If he doesn't show to family functions, tell them the truth. Anything you do that makes life easier for him to use needs to stop. We can't rescue them from themselves. All we can do is protect ourselves the best way we can.
Hear this loud and clear: his addiction is NOT your fault! You couldn't stop him when it became apparent to you and you can't stop it now. He's a very sick man and he'll likely have to get even sicker before he admits his problem and does something about it.
Try not to take the lying personally. It's just what addicts are compelled to do because of their denial and the need to keep their addiction secret. If they weren't in denial, there would be no need to keep the secret. We spouses also keep everything secret because we're ashamed of addiction and the social stigma attached to it. Please try to understand that it's not a choice for them to use at a certain point. It's not a character deficiency or moral or ethical failing. Those behaviors come as a result of addiction not because of it.
Before you make any big decisions about your marriage, get a few Al-Anon meetings under your belt. We don't sit there and whine and gossip about the addicts/ alcoholics in our lives. It's about learning the truth about addict, how not to enable and how to set realistic boundaries that give us some peace in our lives - with or without the addict. In fact, it's the same 12-step program used in AA and NA. I think of it more as a life-long self-improvement program more than anything else. You have nothing to lose and everthing to gain by giving it a shot.
I know you must be thinking the same thing I did, "Why do I have to go to meetings? I'm not the one with the problem!" Well, yeah we are. We get just as sick in our way as they are in theirs. Our lives become consumed with our addicted loved ones until there is nothing left of us. We find ourselves lying just as baldly as they do to protect the big, bad secret. How sick is that?
Enabling or not, there is nothing you can do to make him stop or even make him see that he has a problem. That's entirely up to him. All we can do is detach ourselves and allow them to feel the consequences of their substance abuse. No calling the boss with excuses; no excuses of any kind to anyone as a matter of fact. If he doesn't show to family functions, tell them the truth. Anything you do that makes life easier for him to use needs to stop. We can't rescue them from themselves. All we can do is protect ourselves the best way we can.
Hear this loud and clear: his addiction is NOT your fault! You couldn't stop him when it became apparent to you and you can't stop it now. He's a very sick man and he'll likely have to get even sicker before he admits his problem and does something about it.
Try not to take the lying personally. It's just what addicts are compelled to do because of their denial and the need to keep their addiction secret. If they weren't in denial, there would be no need to keep the secret. We spouses also keep everything secret because we're ashamed of addiction and the social stigma attached to it. Please try to understand that it's not a choice for them to use at a certain point. It's not a character deficiency or moral or ethical failing. Those behaviors come as a result of addiction not because of it.
Before you make any big decisions about your marriage, get a few Al-Anon meetings under your belt. We don't sit there and whine and gossip about the addicts/ alcoholics in our lives. It's about learning the truth about addict, how not to enable and how to set realistic boundaries that give us some peace in our lives - with or without the addict. In fact, it's the same 12-step program used in AA and NA. I think of it more as a life-long self-improvement program more than anything else. You have nothing to lose and everthing to gain by giving it a shot.
I know you must be thinking the same thing I did, "Why do I have to go to meetings? I'm not the one with the problem!" Well, yeah we are. We get just as sick in our way as they are in theirs. Our lives become consumed with our addicted loved ones until there is nothing left of us. We find ourselves lying just as baldly as they do to protect the big, bad secret. How sick is that?
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