Out Of Control

[discretekarma]

I need some help.   I know that most people on here will just say I need to quit all together but that's not an option right now. I need help from some open minded thinkers here. I have a bad back. I have been on opiates for about a year and a half. I abused Oxy's prior to hurting my back. I've been on either Oxy, Kadian, or Opana for a year and a half.  My wife knows I'm a drug addict and she also knows I'm prescribed these pills.  She'll trust me for a while and then she'll catch me taking too many or crushing them up and she'll take them and give them too me daily as prescribed. That'll go on for a while and then she'll trust me again and give them back to me.  Even when she controls them, she gives me a days worth at a time so it really doesn't stop me from crushing them up. I had surgery in July.  Since then, I've been prescribed 4 x 20mg of Opana (equal to 4 x 40mg of Oxy). and 6 x 8mg of Dilaudid. I was pretty much on the same dose before surgery.  I think I went from 4 to 6 Dilaudids after surgery.  Up until a few months ago I was taking the Opana's as prescribed and crushing the Dilaudids.  gradually over the past 6 months I've began crushing the Opana's more and more. For the past few months I've been crushing all of the Opanas and Dilaudids every day. I had a ton of extras that my wife's had hidden all this time.  I have several bottles of different pills that my wife's had hidden. I found them and was taking them and crushing them as well.  Without the extras I'd barely be getting by and quite often in WD's. A few weeks ago my wife found out that I've located and had been taking pills out of the extras that were hidden. I was supposed to have back surgery again on Jan 29 and this was about a week prior to that when she caught me this last time.  I told her that I needed to WD some and cut back otherwise I'd be screwed when I had my surgery and woke up in recovery in severe WD. I WD'd on and off for a few days and was back to only crushing my prescribed dose. My surgery was canceled and I found the extra pills again and for the past few weeks I've been crushing WAY more than I'm prescribed. Ive been crushing like double my prescribed dose and still not even getting high.  She doesn't know that I found them again. I know that before too long I'll be having surgery again and the extras are starting to run low. In addition to those obvious problems, I'm sick of letting my wife down. She's been so amazing and has stuck by me even though I've lied to her like there's nothing too it over and over.  I can't stop taking the pills since I'll be having back surgery again in a few weeks or a month. I'll be having a L5-S1 Laminectomy and Discectomy so the pills will be needed.  I'd like to at least get back to taking the Opana orally as prescribed. Taking everything as prescribed would be great but I'd like to be realistic and start with the Opana.  If I just starting taking only my prescribed doses and taking them orally, I'd be in bad WD and it would never stop. Even when the bad WD was done, I'd still be in and out of WD constantly.  It's happened every time I've tried and that's not going to work.  I was thinking about not taking anything after 10pm tonight until maybe 10am tomorrow.  Obviously by then I'd be in WD.  If i took my Opana orally after that it may work.  I'd like to keep doing it this way until I'm under my prescribed dose for a day or so. Then I could take my prescribed dose and it would actually work. I'm not sure how this will work or if there's anything else I could do to help this plan. I know about Thomas Recipe and all the others so I'll use those to help. I really am not looking for anyone to tell me that I'm taking so much or that I need to quit all together because right now that's not an option.  I need the meds for pain. I just need to get this under control or at least closer to being under control. Right now it's even too out of control for my taste and that's bad.  What I need is a plan and support to stick with it. I don't really want to involve my wife. She been put through enough. I just need to fix it.  Sorry if I rambled or if my thoughts are all over the place.  

[discretekarma]

When I say crush I'm referring to crushing and snorting them. Whatever they use to bind the Opana does gel up but it can still be crushed and snorted. You take the coating off and crush it. It leaves some gel afterwards but nothing much.

[worried878]

when u say "crush"  does that mean u snort them?  not familiar with it  ..i was under the assumption that opana could not be used IV or snorted due to a liquid gel that forms when it becomes wet..be safe and it sounds like u r giving this a honest shot..it sounds like u really want htis//eep posting

[discretekarma]

I've been doing really good for the past few days but tonight things hit the fan.  I posted earlier how yesterday went and now I'll post how today went. I still crushed my pills but it was less than my prescribed amount I think. I woke up and did one of my Opana's.  Around noon I did 2 of my dilaudids. At about 7pm I did another dilaudid and then around 8:30 I did two more. All together I did my prescribed 4 dilaudid's and only 2 dilaudids.  I'm prescribed 6 dilaudids a day.  think I'm on the right track. Now I just need to start slowing transitioning back to taking them orally.  Once the surgery is over I'm getting off these things once in for all.

[mtgoat911]

i havent read everyones post, but i need to tell you that its not wise to ask for help and then tell the people you are asking how you want them to help you
you are right you are out of control, and as you stated you are not ready to quit, so what is it you want?
once you are addicted, you will not go back to controlled use
have you been in rehab before?
i know you said that you are worried about working, i was too, i place my job infront of my recovey, and guess what, i was drug tested and fired! same thing with my husband.
get clean, miss work
stay high, get fired
denile is what came to mind when i read your post
fyi.....i am the blunt one around these part,
good luck

[troubleinohio]

great advice from the two nurses above! so glad you are here to offer that insight!

[wannabefree330]

I agree to some extent w/prodigalgirl.  I don't agree with the part about only getting a certain amount in the hospital.  If you are completely honest with the nurses taking care of you, as well as the doctor & pharmacist (in the hospital) they will be able to control your pain.  If you go in and tell them you are taking your meds exactly as prescribed,they will base the dosages you get ON THAT amount, and not what you really need.  True they may 'label' you, but even addicts deserve to have their pain controlled after surgery.  I am a nurse, and we all know that we will not be able to cure your addiction during the time you are with us.  However, being candid and up front with us will get you the level of care and pain control you deserve.  Of course, if you continually call for more, more more, and they come in and see you gorked, and drowsy they will NOT give you any.  So, be true to yourself, and take as much as you need to have your pain under control.
Sounds like you are making great progress already, and will be nearly close to what your prescribed dose is by that time anyway.  But, from an addict as well as a nurse, the best way to go about this is being honest w/those caring for you.
Keep up the good work, and I hope you will be able to get back to swallowing them again very soon.

[ProdigalGirl]

Good luck my friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Tough spot ur in. Been there myself and it isn't fun. Just keep tapering and try ANYTHING not to crush it. Think of it this way. You are throwing yourself into mild wd every morning by waiting 12 hours or so. When you crush the opiate lasts maybe 4 hours right? Well, you must feel like cr*p in the morning prior to taking the pills and crushing them. You are gonna feel lousy any way you look at it. Just take the pill whole and tough it out. Let me tell you from experience, after you have that surgery they are only gonna give you a certain dosage of pain meds while you are admitted in the hospital. Can you imagine w/d and post op pain? Now doctors and nurses are not dumb people. They deal with drug seekers, addicts alike. So, you come in after surgery, in pain begging for more, and more and more. They are gonna know that you have the tolerance of an elepant. Don't you think your doctor will be told and he or she may cut you off of all meds after the surgery when you are released, maybe 4 weeks later. This has and will happen. Nurses chart the amount and time of each dosage and WILL KNOW and figure out that you are an addict and have been abusing. I promise you this will happen. Bet my life on it. So maybe that will give you some incentive not to crush. If you don't stop, after the hospital visit and perhaps getting nabbed as an addict/drug seeker, your doctor will label you as such and there goes any help in the pain mgt department in the future. You are DONE!!! Just a plain old addict with a pain condition and no health care provider will want to help you. Please, listen to someone that knows what they are talking about! Good luck hon. Keep posting and keep us informed. Your situation is dire but doable.

[discretekarma]

Thanks everyone for your posts. I'm not looking for people to just tell me what I want to hear. I want to hear it how it is so thanks for the honesty. The difference between all the times that my wife has had my pills and I still cheated and now is that now I want to get it under control and before I just want more pills to get higher. This time I'm actually sick of it and want to get it under control. I'm going to be honest about what's going on. I haven't yet stopped crushing them but I was able to reduce the amount I've taken significantly. I'm sure it's hard for some people on here to think that that's a good job since I believe some feel like the only good job would be taking nothing at all or not crushing them at all.

This is how it went today. I didn't take anything after about 9pm last night until 9pm today. I crushed a few pills this morning and then I didn't do anything until 2:30pm and that's all I've done today. I did my on 20 mg Opana this morning and I think 3 x 15 mg Roxy's and then at 2:30 I did the 20mg Opana and 2 x 15mg Roxy's. I'm really proud of myself. My plan now is to take nothing from 2:30pm today until tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning I'm going to take my Opana orally and see things go.  

My plan is to taper back to my prescribed amount and method of ingestion for surgery and then after surgery I want to taper down to nothing.  I don't want to drag it out like some do. Any opinions will be greatly appreciated. They don't have to agree with me to be appreciated.

Thanks so much for the support and feedback.

[troubleinohio]

tip # 1-  have your wife buy a LOCK BOX-SAFE!! have her lock your pills up and make sure only she has the key and that you have no access to that key.

#2- stop crushing your pills-- is it possible your wife can be present when you take the meds she dispenses? have her watch you swallow the pill whole

#3- you need to taper down and get this under control before your surgery or the meds wont help your post operative pain with your current tolerance.

keep reading and posting here , wishing you the best...

[worried878]

i was thinking the same thing avisg just said..and yes people can come here and tell u that what u r asking is possible..and everyone is different..but it is not realistic for an addict to "control" their drug use as a rule..and again..we are all different..
What exactly r u asking?  I am sorry but I found it extremely confusing and many here will tell u like it is...it is hard for them not to since they have also experienced the pains of addiction

Do you want to make it to ur surgery and recovery from the surgey and then stop the narcotics?  or asking for advice on how to continue using without wds at a lower dose and to not abuse again?  u r right as far as ur wife is concerned..she sounds like a saint..dont take anything or anyone for granted tho...the only one who will never leave u is u..

[avisg]

There is no getting one pill use under control of you are an addict .You have stated that you have had your spouse give you your meds and you have still  managed to cheat .So what are you going to do differently this time so that does not happen.Yes if you are an addict you do need to quit many many of us have major pain issues and me have found alternative way to manage pain.

[Dezdon]

HI,
Check you "inbox"on the top of the page.

[discretekarma]

dominosarah
That is what I'm talking about. I'm looking for a way to get my pill addiction under control.  I also need support to do it.  I went from 10pm until about 9am.  I know I can do this. I had CT WD's about a year ago. Here's the post from that fun time. I'm not out of pills or even close. I'm not even in danger of running out really. Also, my doctor refills my script on Monday. I just need to cut way back. It's not because I have to. I just want to do it. That's what I need help with. Thanks.

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/428794?personal_page_id=4351&post_id=post_2479469

[flmagi]

Try doing what your talking about...nothing after 10 PM til 10 AM. You can then try spreading out your dosing by at least an hour or two. You can get this under control, it won't be easy, but you're gonna have to give it all you've got or be suffering withdrawals all the time, due to running out.
You can do it!  And keep posting, we'll help you.

[dominosarah]

So you want us to help you get a plan together to get your pill addiction under control here??  Is that what you are asking??

[wannabefree330]

Well as you said, start with NOT crushing your pills anymore.  Obviously you are going to need more than your prescribed dosage just to keep up with your tolerance right now.  What you need is a strict taper plan that leads up to your surgery date.  Problem is, I don't see how you are going to stick to the plan without the help of someone else.  Already admitted, you cannot take the dose prescribed, nor the route described?  I understand you don't want to let your wife down again, but you are missing the most important point here.......you are continually letting yourself down and that is much much worse.

I was never able to taper, I only did CT effectively.  Hang in there and someone with tapering experience will be here soon.

I hope you can get your surgery and finally rid yourself of the slavery once and for all.

[discretekarma]

Let me add that in the past I've always wanted to get high and would only stop if I got caught or ran out of pills. Now I really want to get back under control and taking as prescribed. I'm tired of sneaking off 15 times a day to get high and still not getting high.  We just bought a new house and have a lot of good things in our life and for the first time I really want to do this.  So what's the plan?