Petrified!!!

[tphelp]

Ok. So I have been clean from a year long vicoden addiction for 3 years. In September I relapsed. My husband and family found out and were so hurt and dissaponted in me. I got clean right away. I  currently in an outpatient rehab program. Last month I went to a new dr for cold/ flu like symptoms. I also was complaining about some minor back pain. He gave me a script for tramadol. Needless to say I have been abusing it for about a month. Now if my hubby ever found out he would definitely file for divorce. He told me last time if I had one more relapse it was over. We also have a 5 year old son. I feel soooo guilty and scared cuz I'm lying to everyone! They all think I'm clean and have been doing so good. My problem is that knowing all the consequences I could face, I still can't stop taking them. I try to rationalize it in my head by saying "well I'm not doing anything wrong, it's not a narcotic, and he will never ever find out anyway so who is it hurting?" but then I think about the possible withdrawal and if he really did leave me and I'm petrified of that!! Every night I tell myself that tomorrow I will quit, but then morning comes and I talk myself into saying it's ok. I know what I'm doing is so wrong but I can't stop. I am so scared. What do I do? I know your all going to say to quit, but I can't!! Should I just tell my hubby the truth? He is going to kill me! So scared!! Help.

[MikeInFrance]

Hi tphelp....first off you had really come so far by staying clean for 3 years after abusing vics for a year. Mine also lasted a yearlong. So you relapsed, got clean again and you are in outpatient care now. then u start tramadol. That's the confusing part of this. If your doctor knew u had this addiction issue I can't imagine he would have given you that. So he didnt know right? U must know tramadol is an opiate. I would suggest stopping that now. A month is not so long but you are pushing it each pill you take. It might not technically be a narcotic where u live but it is in other countries) that shouldnt be the  point.... Important thing to look at is it's an opiate, hence dangerous for someone like you (or me)  you really want to save your marriage and save your family ....save yourself first.... Starting right now!

[selfinduced]

You have taken the first step by asking for advice/help. All your saying is typical addict thinking at work...normal for us. Now it is time to go back to your clean roots and do all the things you know you need to do to get back on track. Start with your outpatient rehab. They are bound by law to keep your condition private. Maybe they can wean you and if you want it bad snuff, your stay on taper. Your conscious is wrecking havoc on you now and causing panic. Don't let that paralyze you. Move forward and get this nipped in the bud. I have faith in you.

[dominosarah]

Our secrets keep us sick~~

[littlebit667]

many doctors think tram is not addictive, but it is.  It also has an antidepressant component that adds to the withdrawal mix.  Did your doctor mention that or not.  I know you figured out that it felt good and that is probably why you started doing more.  But, I bet you did not know it at first.  The doctors believe the salespeople and most do not look further.  There is a tramadol group that posts quite a bit.  Could you explain that you did not know what it really was before you got hooked??

[kk1303]

We can't help you if you don't want to help yourself.

[brooke1028]

yeah you know what you need to do. maybe your husband will be supportive if you go to him open and honest. but if you dont you will drive yourself crazy trying to hide it. and if he finds out on his own....that will be a even bigger problem than if you told him. good luck. just get the conversation over with.

[Bkitty]

Hi there,,you said you are currently in an outpatient rehab?? Is this for the addiction? Have you talked to them about this (if the rehab is addiction related).? All you have done is substitute one drug for another. You started on yet another path with this addiction. So you know that you cant take the tramadol as prescribed and you have been abusing it that should set off some warning lights that this is not safe for you to take. Also keep in mind that secrets are what keeps us sick. You know what you need to do. You can do this!~Bkitty

[hellc@mst]

When you say your husband will file for divorce -are you being dramatic or do you know (with reasonable) certainty that he will? If its true, it seems to me (if you want to save your marriage) that you dont have too many options.ie,  stop using tramadol and do it as inconspicuously as possible. It shouldnt be too bad. Its only been a month (is that right?) and you may not have yet developed a serious dependancy if any at all. Talk to your doctor first anyways as Im aware that people who are addicted to tramadol require monitering/supervision during their detox/taper. Have you taken them (tramadol) every day? Did you get a 3 month script or did you only have a months supply and use them all up before the next refill?

Can you disclose your tramadol use to someone (preferably someone with medical/professional credentials) from the IOP and ask for their advise? Surely people in IOP's relapse all the time and they must have the expertise/systems in place to manage such incidents. If they advise you to tell your husband maybe they could facillitate a meeting where they could provide support and advocate on your behalf.

Oh well. Good luck to you.......both!
Regards Jeremy. Recovered Ex Addict.

[vicki595]

So, if you think it's not a narcotic, what are you worried about? Why would your husband be mad?

You say you won't stop so how can we help?

[ImDONENoMore]

You're saying you don't want to quit?  So does that mean you aren't planning to quit?  Your post confuses me.  (tramadol is an opiate if you google it you can find a lot of info)