Picking up the pieces and trying to LIVE! Please help!

[want2befree123]

as alot of you know ive been struggling with oxys. and about a week and 4 days into my recovery my dad passed away and i fell back into the trap. I had the worst 5 days of my life this week and couldnt think of a reason not to use. I couldnt deal with my dads death sober and caved in, in a big way. I probably cried for 3 days straight until i medicated myself to the point where i couldnt even keep my eyes open. Well he's gone forever now, and we buried him today. crying as i type this because it still hasnt sunk in that he is truely gone forever. He told me he was proud that i had decided to come clean about my addiction and that he loved me more then anything in the world and couldnt have had a better son. then a day later he was gone... i couldnt deal with my depression of coming off the pills especially with my best friend gone. i was destroyed inside and out. i could have jumped off a bridge when i found out he passed away and not even given it a thought. So now its just me and my mom and sister. my idol my best friend and my best support now lie 6 ft in the ground. and i dont know how i can do this without him. i decided im going to do this for him. it was his only wish that i be sober and live a fulfilling life. And im going to prove it to him and myself that he was right, I can do anything i set my mind to. Sorry for rambling but i dont know what else to do at this point. So starting tomorrow im living a clean and fulfilling life. The problem is i dont know where or how to start. My life is so messed up right now and i have school to deal with on top of this... I can stop school and take it again next year, but ill loose all my money and time i have invested into this. I know my dad wouldnt want me to drop out. He'd want me to keep going and do my best.... Guess im just looking for some support. I need someone to tell me i can do this, and that with time the pain in my heart will heal without medicating myself to the point where i feel nothing...Anyone? Please give me something to cling to... Ive lost so much and refuse to loose my life because thats the last thing my dad would want... Thanks for everything. I dont know what i would do without this site and you amazing people who help people like me.... god bless you all...

[Gasten]

First of all--a great big hug of comfort to you!  You need it.  My Dad passed away unexpectedly and suddenly when I was young, and I went through the gamut of emotions you are going through.  Didn't think I would make it through.  Time, my friend, will carry you through to the other side of this nightmare.  Be patient with yourself, and remind yourself of that.  It is something you can count on.  In the meantime, your ideas of making all the positive changes in your life that your father would have been proud of are the best things you can be doing for yourself right now.  They are healing both in the mind and body.  Keep reminding yourself daily of how proud your dad would be of you.  Do not expect the pain of his loss to go away soon.  It will remain for some time yet.  Just accept that.  But your positive course of actions give you something proactive to do and will give you a boost of self esteem as well.  Also, others may disagree, but I believe your father will see the changes you are making and be proud of you, too.   I will say a prayer for your strength and courage, and for that of your family right now.  God bless you!  Please keep us posted with your progress--we CARE!!!!
Gasten

[minn66]

Those were some powerful posts and worth reading over and over. Life can stink, like with work situations, family issues, financial issues. The list goes on. Yet, life can be great, too, like the birth of a child or finding out your son got a 30 on his ACT (both events of which gave me a high better than any pill could).

It is a hard lesson to learn. Life is so darned unpredictable. We want to be in control. It is hard to accept that we aren't.

The thing is, there are some things you can control. I already know you can stop those pills. Oh, the withdrawal stinks, I will never forget that. I am not saying life will be roses after you quit. However, you will be able to truly experience it.

You are so young to have all this responsibly, yet I believe you have the determination and courage to take this on.

I am proud of what you have accomplished before. I know you are capable of making it because you did it before.

Hugs to you, Sweetie. You've got this.

Minn

[doitformyson]

Glad to read this....Hope it all goes well for you!

[bama88]

I have walked in your shoes. for some time. your nor alone.

Please detox and move forward. we can't continue this life. its slowly killing us. from being super high to super low. its hard on your body.

i can't do anymore detoxing. my body is tired. very very tired. each new detox takes alot of energy. Im not as young as i once was.

Time will march on. and the next time you look up. where do you wAnt to be?? here. or there??

Im not trying to bring you down. i am trying to show you the future if you keep using.

I will support you.

I've wasted 8 years. feel like Im in quick sand today. but its all part of the process. for 8 years i didn't feel anything. do anything. except exist.

Now Im picking up the pieces. and they are scattered everywhere.

this won't kill you. getting off this crazy ride. what it will do is be very very hard. i know your going tthru alot. I've kept you in my prayers.

I promise it will be worth it. give yourself a month. a month to even out again. feel what you feel. talk to us.....were all here for you.
Hugs...support....hugs some more.....more support. bama

[want2befree123]

you guys are right... its time to turn things around for myself. no more using to get through things... today will be day one again! lol $hit! already feeling a little crappy but i gotta do this... time to man up and do what needs to be done... wrote my exam now theres no reasons to continue down the road and hurt myself even more... thanks for the help guys... the battle has begun. just wish i never started to do this all over again but.. thats the past. living in the moment for a couple more days should get me through this... i just really hope it wont be like the first time.... even a little easier would be a godsend! haha well either way i gotta do it so im about to find out!  im just so exhausted of putting myself through all this. gotta dig deep and fight it with all i got. ill keeo in touch on how im doing! thanks again to everyone for your continuing support!

[doitformyson]

To add to that sometimes the reasoning for using is the exact reason NOT to use.  I mean that to be as supportive and kind as possible.  It took me a long time to figure that out.  Hope things turnaround for you soon.