Picking up the pieces and trying to LIVE! Please help!

[want2befree123]

as alot of you know ive been struggling with oxys. and about a week and 4 days into my recovery my dad passed away and i fell back into the trap. I had the worst 5 days of my life this week and couldnt think of a reason not to use. I couldnt deal with my dads death sober and caved in, in a big way. I probably cried for 3 days straight until i medicated myself to the point where i couldnt even keep my eyes open. Well he's gone forever now, and we buried him today. crying as i type this because it still hasnt sunk in that he is truely gone forever. He told me he was proud that i had decided to come clean about my addiction and that he loved me more then anything in the world and couldnt have had a better son. then a day later he was gone... i couldnt deal with my depression of coming off the pills especially with my best friend gone. i was destroyed inside and out. i could have jumped off a bridge when i found out he passed away and not even given it a thought. So now its just me and my mom and sister. my idol my best friend and my best support now lie 6 ft in the ground. and i dont know how i can do this without him. i decided im going to do this for him. it was his only wish that i be sober and live a fulfilling life. And im going to prove it to him and myself that he was right, I can do anything i set my mind to. Sorry for rambling but i dont know what else to do at this point. So starting tomorrow im living a clean and fulfilling life. The problem is i dont know where or how to start. My life is so messed up right now and i have school to deal with on top of this... I can stop school and take it again next year, but ill loose all my money and time i have invested into this. I know my dad wouldnt want me to drop out. He'd want me to keep going and do my best.... Guess im just looking for some support. I need someone to tell me i can do this, and that with time the pain in my heart will heal without medicating myself to the point where i feel nothing...Anyone? Please give me something to cling to... Ive lost so much and refuse to loose my life because thats the last thing my dad would want... Thanks for everything. I dont know what i would do without this site and you amazing people who help people like me.... god bless you all...

[forgottensick]

I have been sitting here re- reading all of your posts over and over. It seems like you keep coming up with excuses as to why you need to keep using. I hope you aren`t losing sight of all the reasons you have to NOT use. We all have struggles we have to go through in our lives. Sometimes those struggles seem to be constant. But if you let yourself use those hard times as an excuse to use drugs, you will never be able to get clean. Life isn`t easy and many times it down right ***** and it is never fair. But  we HAVE to keep trying to make the best out of the hand we are delt. What you are going through is no harder than what many on here have had to go through and in some cases, not even as hard.  I`ve been reading your posts and hearing what you are saying and from what I`ve read, you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Just because it is easier to get high and do what you have to do, doesn`t mean it is the right way or even the best way to do it. But it is the easy way to deal with everything. It sounds like you are now the man of the family. That is a heavy load to carry , but one you can do.  It is time to get clean so you will be able to think with a clear head because your mom needs you to be able to think with a clear head. I really do understand your situation and I feel for you. But you were heading in the right direction and nobody wants to see you go backwards just because things are getting hard. It is part of growing up and becoming a man. What would you dad say?

[minn66]

We will always be here to listen. I feel so bad that at such a young age you have so much on your shoulders right now.

I am thinking of you. You can stop those pills. I believe in you. Keep posting and get those feelings out.
I am proud of you for what you've already accomplished and I know you have it within you to fight this.

Hugs to you,

Minn

[133113]

Stay strong!  4 years ago to the day my brother died and not long afterwards I started on the opiate train.  All it did was numb the feelings and I never dealt with the loss.  Now, I am finally sober, in therapy and feeling the loss like I am supposed to.  

The feelings will be hard and brutal sometimes, but using will do nothing more that cover that pain for a short time.

W/D is part of the process.  Our minds trick us into thinking they will be worse then they are.  I relapsed for 45 days and I am on day 3 again and feeling much better, after only 10 days it will not be that bad, but believe me when I tell you, 10 days can turn into 10 months real quick.

[3yearsugly]

You can do this!

1st Peter 5:10-12
Keep a firm grasp on faith the suffering wont last forever. It wont be long before this generous God who has great plans for you in Christ, eternal and glorious plans they are!-- will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word yes he does!!

Hang in there Im praying for you!!

[want2befree123]

i failed just now and am angry at myself that i did... i have an exam tomorrow worth 50% of my final mark... the whole class is 2 tests. if i get below 60% i get kicked out of the course and potentially loose my job... its an apprenticeship intake..... i have to go 3 times during the apprenticeship.. and i cant afford to fail. i called my work and they said they would hold me back financially even with the whole situation if i failed the program.. so i took a little just now so i can study clearly without worry about everything as well as feeling crappy... bama you were right, deff going through wds..... frustrated with myself that i had pretty much been w/d free and now i feel like im back to square one.... i just cant afford to loose my job right now especially as my mom needs my financial support right now.... (she has colon cancer) and isnt working right now.... man at 23 years old i never thought id be under so much stress physically mentally and emotionally... feel like i should be 50 and dealing with this. but guess i cant really change that now can i? so theres the story.  we will get health insurance money from my dad but right now money is so tight that my mom cant make the mortgage payments or bills.... (thats the reason i moved home in the first place) to help out with the chores on the farm and help offset some of the costs to help out financially as well... man this is so hard. im overwhelmed to the maximum. never thought i could handle it but somehow i am.. now i just need to figure out how to do it without the oxy's and ill be set! haha $hit.... thanks for listening

[bama88]

That wAs a touching post. i second that