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Please Help - I just can't do it
I have been "lurking" in this forum for a couple of weeks as I am trying to withdraw from heavy hydrocodone use (10/500 - 20 per day). This forum is filled with amazing, supportive people whose posts I have read and re-read over and over again, desperately holding on to your words of wisdom and encouragement.
But now, I am at the point where I need you and hopefully someone out there can give me the much-needed kick in the a$$ I so desperately need.
Here's my story:
I am a 43 yr old professional woman, highly educated who has had a fantastic career. I resigned from my position 2 years ago to stay at home and raise my two step-children. I began taking hydrocodone 4 years ago, using them responsibly at first, but then taking more and more and more. Now, despite my education, career, what have you, I am nothing more than a junky.
My prescription was for 180 per month, which I filled religiously. To me, that was a perfect day - a new bottle of pills and life was perfect. One day, on a regularly scheduled visit to my doctor, I was informed that my prescribing physician was no longer there and I would have to see a different doc. Well, he had some concerns about the quantity of medicine I was taking, so he said he was going to taper me down, starting with a script for 150 - then next month 120, etc., until I was pill-free. I argued with him that I did not have a problem and needed the pills for my pain. He said no. Either taper off, or leave his office as a patient. So, I walked out with a script for the 150 and sat in my car and cried. But I cried because I realized what had happened to me - I was an addict.
So, I started to taper, but it did not go so well and I ended up taking all of them within a 13 day period.
Then, I moved and my back went out. I called my regular doc but they were fully booked for at least 3 days and if it was an emergency, I should go to the urgent care. Which I did. I crawled in to this other doctor's office, with legitimate pain, and he made me give a urine sample and took x-rays of my back, and asked me about previous medications. And I lied. I did not tell him that I had a regular doc who was already prescribing meds for me. But guess what? He knew. And he confronted me about it. He showed me something called a RPMD (I can't remember exactly what it's called) but there it was, in black and white, the amount and frequency I was taking narcotics. He literally threw a script at me for 20 hydrocodone, yelled at me for lying to him and thre me out of his office. Two days later, I received a letter from his office saying he was terminating me as a patient. I have never, ever felt so humiliated.
I have not been back to my regular doctor and don't know if I should. I have 1 pill left and I took half of it yesterday. The withdrawal I am going through is horrible, much worse than any flu I have ever had. I am taking B-12 and L-T every couple of hours, but nothing is helping. I have felxerall I take at night so my legs stop shaking, but I have to take at least 2 before they have any effect.
I simply can't do this. I know my post is rather long, but here I am, baring my soul to everyone out there because I am too weak to do this by myself. No one knows about my addiction. No one. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in, but if I don't kick this addiction, I know things will not end well for me.
Please, please someone out there help me.
Thank you.
Dani
But now, I am at the point where I need you and hopefully someone out there can give me the much-needed kick in the a$$ I so desperately need.
Here's my story:
I am a 43 yr old professional woman, highly educated who has had a fantastic career. I resigned from my position 2 years ago to stay at home and raise my two step-children. I began taking hydrocodone 4 years ago, using them responsibly at first, but then taking more and more and more. Now, despite my education, career, what have you, I am nothing more than a junky.
My prescription was for 180 per month, which I filled religiously. To me, that was a perfect day - a new bottle of pills and life was perfect. One day, on a regularly scheduled visit to my doctor, I was informed that my prescribing physician was no longer there and I would have to see a different doc. Well, he had some concerns about the quantity of medicine I was taking, so he said he was going to taper me down, starting with a script for 150 - then next month 120, etc., until I was pill-free. I argued with him that I did not have a problem and needed the pills for my pain. He said no. Either taper off, or leave his office as a patient. So, I walked out with a script for the 150 and sat in my car and cried. But I cried because I realized what had happened to me - I was an addict.
So, I started to taper, but it did not go so well and I ended up taking all of them within a 13 day period.
Then, I moved and my back went out. I called my regular doc but they were fully booked for at least 3 days and if it was an emergency, I should go to the urgent care. Which I did. I crawled in to this other doctor's office, with legitimate pain, and he made me give a urine sample and took x-rays of my back, and asked me about previous medications. And I lied. I did not tell him that I had a regular doc who was already prescribing meds for me. But guess what? He knew. And he confronted me about it. He showed me something called a RPMD (I can't remember exactly what it's called) but there it was, in black and white, the amount and frequency I was taking narcotics. He literally threw a script at me for 20 hydrocodone, yelled at me for lying to him and thre me out of his office. Two days later, I received a letter from his office saying he was terminating me as a patient. I have never, ever felt so humiliated.
I have not been back to my regular doctor and don't know if I should. I have 1 pill left and I took half of it yesterday. The withdrawal I am going through is horrible, much worse than any flu I have ever had. I am taking B-12 and L-T every couple of hours, but nothing is helping. I have felxerall I take at night so my legs stop shaking, but I have to take at least 2 before they have any effect.
I simply can't do this. I know my post is rather long, but here I am, baring my soul to everyone out there because I am too weak to do this by myself. No one knows about my addiction. No one. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in, but if I don't kick this addiction, I know things will not end well for me.
Please, please someone out there help me.
Thank you.
Dani
Don't give up. I know your frustration, really do. Just take it day by day. You can't do this forever right? Think of the mental and physical battle you are facing now. That only gets worse with each detox. Your on your way. I have to say I thought of child birth when the anxiety hit and just hung on knowing it would end. I promise it will. Stay strong and keep posting. xx
And how are things going with you....? Believe me, I am with you in spirit.
So I woke up from a nap that lasted almost 2 hours, cold, shivering and the feel of "spiders" crawling all over my legs. I have a cough that won't quit and all I can think about is pills. I am determined not to let this get to me, but to say it's difficult, is an understatement. I want to fall into a coma and wake up symptom - and drug - free. I have 10 xanax leftover that I use for when I fly, and am thinking maybe if I put myself into a self-induced stupor for a day or two, things might get better. Xanax puts me out, which is why I use them whenever I have to board a plane (long story) and no, I have never abused this medication...surprisingly.
The threat of dying or doing this for my kids does not work for me, unfortunately. It does not scare me - selfish, I know, but that's how strong a grip these pills have over me. Who cares if I die? The kids will find a new step-mother and the rest of my family would get over it soon enough. I want and need to do this for myself and no one else. A guy I dated many, many years ago told me he left his girlfriend for me - the relationship was, inevitably, doomed. He kept reminding me - and I kept telling him if he wanted to leave her, he should have left her - and not for, because of, or despite anyone else. We broke up a few months later and he went back his old girlfriend - who, in turn, left him for someone else.
So yeah - I have to do this for me. Not my kids, family, society or anything - just me. And I don't think I am strong enough yet to see the light at the end of this vicious tunnel.
The threat of dying or doing this for my kids does not work for me, unfortunately. It does not scare me - selfish, I know, but that's how strong a grip these pills have over me. Who cares if I die? The kids will find a new step-mother and the rest of my family would get over it soon enough. I want and need to do this for myself and no one else. A guy I dated many, many years ago told me he left his girlfriend for me - the relationship was, inevitably, doomed. He kept reminding me - and I kept telling him if he wanted to leave her, he should have left her - and not for, because of, or despite anyone else. We broke up a few months later and he went back his old girlfriend - who, in turn, left him for someone else.
So yeah - I have to do this for me. Not my kids, family, society or anything - just me. And I don't think I am strong enough yet to see the light at the end of this vicious tunnel.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi and welcome~~
If you continue to use you will die, that is a given with this addiction. If you chose to recover you will find that person again and she will be even better than before, that is a guarantee. I know what you are going thru and i am here to tell you that you can do this. You are stronger than you know. Take back your control, dont let this addiction rule you any longer. You have been a prisoner long enough.
And as IBK said, Dont use, no matter what.
If you continue to use you will die, that is a given with this addiction. If you chose to recover you will find that person again and she will be even better than before, that is a guarantee. I know what you are going thru and i am here to tell you that you can do this. You are stronger than you know. Take back your control, dont let this addiction rule you any longer. You have been a prisoner long enough.
And as IBK said, Dont use, no matter what.
Hi! I'm glad u found this place...I found it yesterday morning. I want u to know that u & I are gonna go thru this hell together & well will make it! I took my last pill this morning at 8 am. I have been taking 80 mg of oxycontin plus 8-10 norcos a day. I was just like u...constantly running out of my pills in 10-15 days instead of a month...excited/relieved every time I picked up a refill. 2 days ago I took my last oxy. My orginal plan was to taper off the norco. Yesterday I took 4 norco. The day b4 I took 7. The previous day, 9. I found this site & bc of it I only took one today & decided I'm going cold turkey bc I've been having withdrawals for a day and a half anyway, so I might as well just stop & speed this madness up. Let's do this together, u & me, we will make it.
I am probably the enabler of the group, but I think your 2nd Dr. could have handled your situation a little gentler. None of us chose to get addicted to these demons, it just the nature of the beast. In any case, you will later respect him for his bluntness and helping you to realize your dependancy. Keep your anxiety in check, you won't die from these w/d's. Stay in the warm tub as much as possible.Take advil for any rebound headaches, drink lots of fluids (warm sleepy time tea is helpful). Call your original Dr. if it gets too bad. Tell him what happened and see if he will advise you on a plan "B". So sorry you are going thru this. We all have a similar story......trust me! xx
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