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Please Help - I just can't do it
I have been "lurking" in this forum for a couple of weeks as I am trying to withdraw from heavy hydrocodone use (10/500 - 20 per day). This forum is filled with amazing, supportive people whose posts I have read and re-read over and over again, desperately holding on to your words of wisdom and encouragement.
But now, I am at the point where I need you and hopefully someone out there can give me the much-needed kick in the a$$ I so desperately need.
Here's my story:
I am a 43 yr old professional woman, highly educated who has had a fantastic career. I resigned from my position 2 years ago to stay at home and raise my two step-children. I began taking hydrocodone 4 years ago, using them responsibly at first, but then taking more and more and more. Now, despite my education, career, what have you, I am nothing more than a junky.
My prescription was for 180 per month, which I filled religiously. To me, that was a perfect day - a new bottle of pills and life was perfect. One day, on a regularly scheduled visit to my doctor, I was informed that my prescribing physician was no longer there and I would have to see a different doc. Well, he had some concerns about the quantity of medicine I was taking, so he said he was going to taper me down, starting with a script for 150 - then next month 120, etc., until I was pill-free. I argued with him that I did not have a problem and needed the pills for my pain. He said no. Either taper off, or leave his office as a patient. So, I walked out with a script for the 150 and sat in my car and cried. But I cried because I realized what had happened to me - I was an addict.
So, I started to taper, but it did not go so well and I ended up taking all of them within a 13 day period.
Then, I moved and my back went out. I called my regular doc but they were fully booked for at least 3 days and if it was an emergency, I should go to the urgent care. Which I did. I crawled in to this other doctor's office, with legitimate pain, and he made me give a urine sample and took x-rays of my back, and asked me about previous medications. And I lied. I did not tell him that I had a regular doc who was already prescribing meds for me. But guess what? He knew. And he confronted me about it. He showed me something called a RPMD (I can't remember exactly what it's called) but there it was, in black and white, the amount and frequency I was taking narcotics. He literally threw a script at me for 20 hydrocodone, yelled at me for lying to him and thre me out of his office. Two days later, I received a letter from his office saying he was terminating me as a patient. I have never, ever felt so humiliated.
I have not been back to my regular doctor and don't know if I should. I have 1 pill left and I took half of it yesterday. The withdrawal I am going through is horrible, much worse than any flu I have ever had. I am taking B-12 and L-T every couple of hours, but nothing is helping. I have felxerall I take at night so my legs stop shaking, but I have to take at least 2 before they have any effect.
I simply can't do this. I know my post is rather long, but here I am, baring my soul to everyone out there because I am too weak to do this by myself. No one knows about my addiction. No one. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in, but if I don't kick this addiction, I know things will not end well for me.
Please, please someone out there help me.
Thank you.
Dani
But now, I am at the point where I need you and hopefully someone out there can give me the much-needed kick in the a$$ I so desperately need.
Here's my story:
I am a 43 yr old professional woman, highly educated who has had a fantastic career. I resigned from my position 2 years ago to stay at home and raise my two step-children. I began taking hydrocodone 4 years ago, using them responsibly at first, but then taking more and more and more. Now, despite my education, career, what have you, I am nothing more than a junky.
My prescription was for 180 per month, which I filled religiously. To me, that was a perfect day - a new bottle of pills and life was perfect. One day, on a regularly scheduled visit to my doctor, I was informed that my prescribing physician was no longer there and I would have to see a different doc. Well, he had some concerns about the quantity of medicine I was taking, so he said he was going to taper me down, starting with a script for 150 - then next month 120, etc., until I was pill-free. I argued with him that I did not have a problem and needed the pills for my pain. He said no. Either taper off, or leave his office as a patient. So, I walked out with a script for the 150 and sat in my car and cried. But I cried because I realized what had happened to me - I was an addict.
So, I started to taper, but it did not go so well and I ended up taking all of them within a 13 day period.
Then, I moved and my back went out. I called my regular doc but they were fully booked for at least 3 days and if it was an emergency, I should go to the urgent care. Which I did. I crawled in to this other doctor's office, with legitimate pain, and he made me give a urine sample and took x-rays of my back, and asked me about previous medications. And I lied. I did not tell him that I had a regular doc who was already prescribing meds for me. But guess what? He knew. And he confronted me about it. He showed me something called a RPMD (I can't remember exactly what it's called) but there it was, in black and white, the amount and frequency I was taking narcotics. He literally threw a script at me for 20 hydrocodone, yelled at me for lying to him and thre me out of his office. Two days later, I received a letter from his office saying he was terminating me as a patient. I have never, ever felt so humiliated.
I have not been back to my regular doctor and don't know if I should. I have 1 pill left and I took half of it yesterday. The withdrawal I am going through is horrible, much worse than any flu I have ever had. I am taking B-12 and L-T every couple of hours, but nothing is helping. I have felxerall I take at night so my legs stop shaking, but I have to take at least 2 before they have any effect.
I simply can't do this. I know my post is rather long, but here I am, baring my soul to everyone out there because I am too weak to do this by myself. No one knows about my addiction. No one. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in, but if I don't kick this addiction, I know things will not end well for me.
Please, please someone out there help me.
Thank you.
Dani
OK Lost, think about it this way... you have two choices: you can get through this and free yourself from the ball and chain that is hydro or you can plan on taking this **** for the rest of your life. Always wondering what you are going to do when your supply runs out. Asking yourself if you have enough to get through the day when you walk out the door. Associating every activity in your life with the 'feel good' feeling you get from hydro. It ***** getting off this and the mental part is an absolute hell, I will not sugar-coat or downplay it like some of the posts I read on here. Alot of advice and sympathy but right now it feels kind of empty and meaningless to you, doesn't it. I will tell you that the physical stuff of WD will pass in 4-5 days and then you will start to feel better. You will have trouble sleeping for awhile but it will return in time. You may feel like you are going to go insane from lack of sleep but you wont. Your mind is just panicking because it needs the drug and it will do whatever it can to make you take it.
The mental part of this is the worst. For a good 2-4 weeks, you will not want to get out of bed. You will not want to do anything. It is hard to talk to other people because all you can think about is how the hydro will make you feel if you just take one. You just won't give a crap about anyone or anything, including your own family because all you want is the horrible sense of depression and apathy to go away... and it won't.
Now, if all this sounds like the worst of the worst, it is. You have got yourself addicted to a drug that is eating your life away.
Here is the good news. The absolute hell that you are/will go through will pass. Physical symptoms- 3-4 days... diarrhea- 2-3 weeks... sleep- who knows. It may return to normal in a couple of weeks(doubt it) or it may take a couple of months(likely). You will NOT lose your mind from lack of sleep. You may feel a little tired all the time but your mind will put you to sleep when you need it, even if it is only for an hour. Take what you can get.
All of these comments from people will not help ease the pain of what you will have to endure. Right now they are empty words with no meaning because of what you are going through, not because they don't care. But what these comments should mean to you is that there are alot of people who have been EXACTLY where you are right now and they came out on the other side. I have been through my hell and I would be lying if I said I didn't want to experience that euphoria hydro gives you. But every day that passes makes that desire a little weaker and embracing a life not shackled to a pill a little stronger.
Message me if you need advice on the reality of getting through this.
The mental part of this is the worst. For a good 2-4 weeks, you will not want to get out of bed. You will not want to do anything. It is hard to talk to other people because all you can think about is how the hydro will make you feel if you just take one. You just won't give a crap about anyone or anything, including your own family because all you want is the horrible sense of depression and apathy to go away... and it won't.
Now, if all this sounds like the worst of the worst, it is. You have got yourself addicted to a drug that is eating your life away.
Here is the good news. The absolute hell that you are/will go through will pass. Physical symptoms- 3-4 days... diarrhea- 2-3 weeks... sleep- who knows. It may return to normal in a couple of weeks(doubt it) or it may take a couple of months(likely). You will NOT lose your mind from lack of sleep. You may feel a little tired all the time but your mind will put you to sleep when you need it, even if it is only for an hour. Take what you can get.
All of these comments from people will not help ease the pain of what you will have to endure. Right now they are empty words with no meaning because of what you are going through, not because they don't care. But what these comments should mean to you is that there are alot of people who have been EXACTLY where you are right now and they came out on the other side. I have been through my hell and I would be lying if I said I didn't want to experience that euphoria hydro gives you. But every day that passes makes that desire a little weaker and embracing a life not shackled to a pill a little stronger.
Message me if you need advice on the reality of getting through this.
Thank you for that. Every single person on this board has helped me in their own right, and for that, to be given such support from complete strangers, has not only restored my faith in humanity, but also made me realize we should be taking care of each other, no matter what.
This addiction knows no class structure, it does not discriminate against wealth, color nor gender - it affects everyone - and the anonymity behind our user names only means that there is a real person, sitting at a keyboard, trying to help someone in the same predicament.
So, to each and every one of you. Thank you. For everything.
This addiction knows no class structure, it does not discriminate against wealth, color nor gender - it affects everyone - and the anonymity behind our user names only means that there is a real person, sitting at a keyboard, trying to help someone in the same predicament.
So, to each and every one of you. Thank you. For everything.
And now for what happened to me today...
I had my doc appointment, and I went in and told him everything. Including the humiliating experience I had at the urgent care. I told my doc that I had "tapered down" and the last 1/2 a pill I had taken on Jan. 16th. And he said I was stupid for getting of this medicine without medical supervision. I told him I was actually doing ok, other than the restless legs and difficulty sleeping at night. He told me people get seizures for doing this cold turkey and I was still at risk for not only seizures, but also I could have a stroke. He then left the room for about 5 minutes, and when he came back in, informed that he had called over to Walgreens a script for 120, and he wants me to start taking 4 a day, and then go and see him next month, for a script of 90.
What the effing eff is wrong with this Quack??????? I TOLD him I do NOT want to take ANY more - I even told him I still have the other half left over and was proud of not taking it- and he is "threatening" me with seizures and/or a stroke???
I did, however, drive straight home, NOT stopping to pick up the prescription and am home now, absolutely fuming!
And that was my day.
I had my doc appointment, and I went in and told him everything. Including the humiliating experience I had at the urgent care. I told my doc that I had "tapered down" and the last 1/2 a pill I had taken on Jan. 16th. And he said I was stupid for getting of this medicine without medical supervision. I told him I was actually doing ok, other than the restless legs and difficulty sleeping at night. He told me people get seizures for doing this cold turkey and I was still at risk for not only seizures, but also I could have a stroke. He then left the room for about 5 minutes, and when he came back in, informed that he had called over to Walgreens a script for 120, and he wants me to start taking 4 a day, and then go and see him next month, for a script of 90.
What the effing eff is wrong with this Quack??????? I TOLD him I do NOT want to take ANY more - I even told him I still have the other half left over and was proud of not taking it- and he is "threatening" me with seizures and/or a stroke???
I did, however, drive straight home, NOT stopping to pick up the prescription and am home now, absolutely fuming!
And that was my day.
can i just tell you that i read your original post above and cried like a little baby as i read the words you typed out? you sound like you went through the same thing so many of us have. but reading it, from and by someone else, really plays a toll on you.
my doctor tried to do the same thing with me, in giving me a script for a certain amount and taper me down slowly once i was honest enough with him AND myself about being an addict, but i did what you did and went CT off the pills. i am not sure about the seizures and what not, but i didn't go through them. but then again, i am also not a physician of any sort.
stay strong and do what your heart and mind tells you is best.
my doctor tried to do the same thing with me, in giving me a script for a certain amount and taper me down slowly once i was honest enough with him AND myself about being an addict, but i did what you did and went CT off the pills. i am not sure about the seizures and what not, but i didn't go through them. but then again, i am also not a physician of any sort.
stay strong and do what your heart and mind tells you is best.
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