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Please Help - I just can't do it
I have been "lurking" in this forum for a couple of weeks as I am trying to withdraw from heavy hydrocodone use (10/500 - 20 per day). This forum is filled with amazing, supportive people whose posts I have read and re-read over and over again, desperately holding on to your words of wisdom and encouragement.
But now, I am at the point where I need you and hopefully someone out there can give me the much-needed kick in the a$$ I so desperately need.
Here's my story:
I am a 43 yr old professional woman, highly educated who has had a fantastic career. I resigned from my position 2 years ago to stay at home and raise my two step-children. I began taking hydrocodone 4 years ago, using them responsibly at first, but then taking more and more and more. Now, despite my education, career, what have you, I am nothing more than a junky.
My prescription was for 180 per month, which I filled religiously. To me, that was a perfect day - a new bottle of pills and life was perfect. One day, on a regularly scheduled visit to my doctor, I was informed that my prescribing physician was no longer there and I would have to see a different doc. Well, he had some concerns about the quantity of medicine I was taking, so he said he was going to taper me down, starting with a script for 150 - then next month 120, etc., until I was pill-free. I argued with him that I did not have a problem and needed the pills for my pain. He said no. Either taper off, or leave his office as a patient. So, I walked out with a script for the 150 and sat in my car and cried. But I cried because I realized what had happened to me - I was an addict.
So, I started to taper, but it did not go so well and I ended up taking all of them within a 13 day period.
Then, I moved and my back went out. I called my regular doc but they were fully booked for at least 3 days and if it was an emergency, I should go to the urgent care. Which I did. I crawled in to this other doctor's office, with legitimate pain, and he made me give a urine sample and took x-rays of my back, and asked me about previous medications. And I lied. I did not tell him that I had a regular doc who was already prescribing meds for me. But guess what? He knew. And he confronted me about it. He showed me something called a RPMD (I can't remember exactly what it's called) but there it was, in black and white, the amount and frequency I was taking narcotics. He literally threw a script at me for 20 hydrocodone, yelled at me for lying to him and thre me out of his office. Two days later, I received a letter from his office saying he was terminating me as a patient. I have never, ever felt so humiliated.
I have not been back to my regular doctor and don't know if I should. I have 1 pill left and I took half of it yesterday. The withdrawal I am going through is horrible, much worse than any flu I have ever had. I am taking B-12 and L-T every couple of hours, but nothing is helping. I have felxerall I take at night so my legs stop shaking, but I have to take at least 2 before they have any effect.
I simply can't do this. I know my post is rather long, but here I am, baring my soul to everyone out there because I am too weak to do this by myself. No one knows about my addiction. No one. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in, but if I don't kick this addiction, I know things will not end well for me.
Please, please someone out there help me.
Thank you.
Dani
But now, I am at the point where I need you and hopefully someone out there can give me the much-needed kick in the a$$ I so desperately need.
Here's my story:
I am a 43 yr old professional woman, highly educated who has had a fantastic career. I resigned from my position 2 years ago to stay at home and raise my two step-children. I began taking hydrocodone 4 years ago, using them responsibly at first, but then taking more and more and more. Now, despite my education, career, what have you, I am nothing more than a junky.
My prescription was for 180 per month, which I filled religiously. To me, that was a perfect day - a new bottle of pills and life was perfect. One day, on a regularly scheduled visit to my doctor, I was informed that my prescribing physician was no longer there and I would have to see a different doc. Well, he had some concerns about the quantity of medicine I was taking, so he said he was going to taper me down, starting with a script for 150 - then next month 120, etc., until I was pill-free. I argued with him that I did not have a problem and needed the pills for my pain. He said no. Either taper off, or leave his office as a patient. So, I walked out with a script for the 150 and sat in my car and cried. But I cried because I realized what had happened to me - I was an addict.
So, I started to taper, but it did not go so well and I ended up taking all of them within a 13 day period.
Then, I moved and my back went out. I called my regular doc but they were fully booked for at least 3 days and if it was an emergency, I should go to the urgent care. Which I did. I crawled in to this other doctor's office, with legitimate pain, and he made me give a urine sample and took x-rays of my back, and asked me about previous medications. And I lied. I did not tell him that I had a regular doc who was already prescribing meds for me. But guess what? He knew. And he confronted me about it. He showed me something called a RPMD (I can't remember exactly what it's called) but there it was, in black and white, the amount and frequency I was taking narcotics. He literally threw a script at me for 20 hydrocodone, yelled at me for lying to him and thre me out of his office. Two days later, I received a letter from his office saying he was terminating me as a patient. I have never, ever felt so humiliated.
I have not been back to my regular doctor and don't know if I should. I have 1 pill left and I took half of it yesterday. The withdrawal I am going through is horrible, much worse than any flu I have ever had. I am taking B-12 and L-T every couple of hours, but nothing is helping. I have felxerall I take at night so my legs stop shaking, but I have to take at least 2 before they have any effect.
I simply can't do this. I know my post is rather long, but here I am, baring my soul to everyone out there because I am too weak to do this by myself. No one knows about my addiction. No one. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in, but if I don't kick this addiction, I know things will not end well for me.
Please, please someone out there help me.
Thank you.
Dani
Morning Dani...
Just wanting to check in and see how you are....The coughing does suck! It's just your respiratory system trying to get rid of the opiates. Do you have access to a sauna? (infrared not steam) It really speeds up the detox process and is great for relaxation (also a good place to cry) Trying to encourage your body to sweat, cough, cry, etc..does not feel pleasant but it is how you get rid of all that stuff. And oh yes-get rid of that pill. Honestly? It isn't going to help you out at all...And it will make you feel better about yourself. Try going for a brisk walk to get your seratonin levels up....Hang in there....You are doing great....Lu
Just wanting to check in and see how you are....The coughing does suck! It's just your respiratory system trying to get rid of the opiates. Do you have access to a sauna? (infrared not steam) It really speeds up the detox process and is great for relaxation (also a good place to cry) Trying to encourage your body to sweat, cough, cry, etc..does not feel pleasant but it is how you get rid of all that stuff. And oh yes-get rid of that pill. Honestly? It isn't going to help you out at all...And it will make you feel better about yourself. Try going for a brisk walk to get your seratonin levels up....Hang in there....You are doing great....Lu
Oh God That coughing six! I'm not a smoker and was hacking up a storm to the point of reflex. It was discussing. You are just about outta the woods, so proud of you! Theaddict is so right what she said about you will feel like the boss when this is over......so fricken empowering to be in charge of your life again. Toss that other pill half. It will never bring you a high and can play mental torture with your mind when your weak. Off to make the donuts now. Have a great day!
Ok, I must be the dumbest drug addict ever. I am sitting here, having a coughing fit (yes, I do smoke - but never have I coughed like this before!) I have taken 2 flexeralls because my legs are flailing about, kinda like "Lord of the Dance", but on speed, and all I want to do is eat chocolate and drink milk! Before going through this detox/withdrawal, I never used to drink milk, and I certainly don't usually crave chocolate. Yet here I am, eyeing up the leftover Halloween candy....
I do have one other stupid question: once I have all of this crap out of my system, I can never ever take any pain medication again, correct? Because there is no way I am doing this a second or third time.
On a different note, my eyes are no longer watering. I still have absolutely no energy, but I am STILL looking at the other half of the hydrocodone sitting in my medicine bottle - and I refuse to touch it. I cough and feel "weird" - but dare I hope....? Is this almost over? Or am I deluding myself...?
And I have been lurking in the background for the past 2 hours reading everyone's posts all over the board and can't even begin to tell you how blessed I feel that I have found all of you!
I do have one other stupid question: once I have all of this crap out of my system, I can never ever take any pain medication again, correct? Because there is no way I am doing this a second or third time.
On a different note, my eyes are no longer watering. I still have absolutely no energy, but I am STILL looking at the other half of the hydrocodone sitting in my medicine bottle - and I refuse to touch it. I cough and feel "weird" - but dare I hope....? Is this almost over? Or am I deluding myself...?
And I have been lurking in the background for the past 2 hours reading everyone's posts all over the board and can't even begin to tell you how blessed I feel that I have found all of you!
keep pushing, babe! do not get anymore pills or even take a piece of a pill, it will set you and your mind right back where it was. this gets easier. you're going to feel like a "boss" when you're through with everything, i promise!
if you need someone to talk to, i am always here.
if you need someone to talk to, i am always here.
I'm almost a day & a half into my withdrawals & it isn't fun. I haven't wanted to take a pill, though. I think of all the hell I've been in the past 24 hours so why would I want to start all over? I felt so relieved when I told my fiance, dad, mom, doctor. I encourage u to quit now. Don't get another script...it will only continue the madness. Stop now while u really want to!
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