Please help!!! Tapering off of methadone (again)

[SmilingBright]

Hi guys.  I am tapering one again off of methadone.  I'm at 4 mg and my anxiety is sky high.  Had a cup of coffee this morning (big mistake).  Won't be doing that anymore while detoxing.  Anyways those who know me know hubby is still taking them.  He talks about getting off of them.  But I can't focus on his recovery.  Only mine.  That has been a huge problem of mine the last few years.  
I should be jumping here in the next week or so.  Just needed you guys for support.  You guys are the most caring group of people I've ever met.  I am actually finally admitting or surrendering to the thought of reaching out for external help / counseling or meetings.  Something!!!  I'm desperate.  I want to be a good momma of my two precious boys (5 and 3 yrs old ). They deserve the best!!!
Luckily I just cut back working to only 2 days a week.  So that will help w wds.  
I was no anxious to pair on the public forum again as I have failed so many times.  Feel like I may have lost the support of many friends.  About to call my pastor and talk w him.   I will be back later and check in
Love Chris

[ariley13]

Hey Chris! I'm so glad to see you posting. I am so proud of you for never giving up on yourself! I don't have much time (gotta leave and run some errands) but I just wanted to tell you you are loved, supported, and you are going to make it girl! I'm here for you if you need me and will check in on you later. Take some deep breaths, say a few prayers, and keep pushing.

[SmilingBright]

Thanks Ang.  I have to quit and want to quit.  Not sure why it hurts so bad right before a breakthrough.  Geez!!!!!!  

[marycarmel]

Love your screen name.  Imdoubt you'll ever lose any support here.  It must be very hard on you with your husband still taking them.  Maybe he'll follow your example.  I've never been on methadone but from other posts, I can tell it's challenging.  You'll get there.

[SmilingBright]

Thanks marycarmel!! Yes I feel that's been my biggest challenge is knowing its still in my house and hubby still takes them.  Gives me anxiety and usually makes me resent hubby when I'm clean.  Not good.  Need to do something different this time.  I have my pastor trying to figure out where I can go for help right now.  I'm trying to find meetings during the day on my days off an so can't find any around here:(
Not sure where to start.  I know I need more help than what I've been doing.  I've been bucking the system for too long on getting help and telling my secret.  Fear *****
I will do this and succeed!!!  

[Pat1956100]

Hi Smiling,
I'm glad you are posting.  To you and anyone else just reading this, don't ever think you can't post because you "failed" before, no matter how many times.
The people in this forum have NEVER given up on me.  I know it's hard to come back and admit it (I just did a few days ago) but the support and kindness is always here.

You are sure doing the right thing.  Contacting your pastor was a great idea.  People don't know how lucky they are when they live in a place where they have meetings every day and also many different ones to choose from during the day.  We have 1 meeting a week here and most of the people that attend are court ordered.
I chose counselling and was so lucky to have found the best counsellor ever.
It's really going to be rough for you having someone in your house that is still using.  I don't know if I could do that.  
Make sure you keep reaching out here, no matter what.

Hugs
Pat

[clean_in_ks]

Oh dear one....you will NEVER lose our support.  I know you were anxious about posting.....SO PROUD of YOU for following thru.  Sometimes in life, we just have to "do it afraid"....ya know?  And when we do....the blessings flow into us.

This statement of yours shows HUMONGOUS progress:

"I know I need more help than what I've been doing.  I've been bucking the system for too long on getting help and telling my secret."

It would be horrendously difficult for me to get and stay clean if my hubby was using my DOC and didn't want me to get the help I needed because it will "expose" that secret to your community.  But sometimes we have to do what is best for US....in spite of the lack of support from those so close to us.  Are there any Celebrate Recovery groups in your area?  Any support groups in any of your churches there?  

God will make a way...when there seems to be no way.  (Do you know that song?)  "Doing it afraid" is one of the hardest things to do....but the flood of contentment, relief and joy is beyond our wildest imaginings when we DO.

Congrats on realizing you can't resist help and keep your addiction a secret any longer!!  That's HUGE babe!!!

Holding you close....keep talking to us.  It CAN be different this time~

[SmilingBright]

Aww thank you so much pat:) that means ALOT.  We can do this together!!!!   We CAN do this!!!!!  So you are liking counseling??

[VICourageous]

Hi Hun..Geez I wonder who named you baby! Lmao! Girl we still love you and none of us are perfect either. If they think they are then let them throw that first stone..Right? OK Girl YOU know alot about this disease because I know you have read this in a more scientific way. I know you are a Christian and a girl with a good heart..SO the 2 things you did not follow is NOT going to those meetings yet..AND we know it is SO hard to be around the same med we came off of or any med! Please Girl this time just do what YOU have to DO! Not for anybody other then YOU. I live in a small town and many there are professionals with some great careers..What is said there is to stay there..Do not fear the worse like this will ruin your Reputation around your town..Heck we could be 6 feet under from a over dose..I would not like any body to talk over my grave and say I passed do to drugs. It is better to get SUPPORT and that is what you are lacking BIG time. I also think at such a low dose that your Anxiety or some is coming from the fact you are scared of what may be ahead if you do not get this right this time.  I care about you and I am here for you. I want to see you make it and start working it. OK! Now lets get out to them Meetings this time. It takes a very long time for all of this to balance out Physically, Mentally and Spiritually. It took me over a Year to get there and even at 21months I am still GROWING! Wishing you the best!
Bless

[SmilingBright]

Oh Mrs Connie, you my friend are a GEM!!  Just love you.  Yes they have celebrate recovery around here.  Only thing is I think they are all at night!!!  Frustrating!!!  I have my pastor doing some praying bad research as to what I have available that may work for me.  Please continued prayers for my success this time!!  Once and for all.

Oh and I just went to store and bought camomile tea (k cups). Having a cup right now.  Caffeine free.   Just wanted something soothing.  Hopefully this will do the trick.  Waiting for my pastor to call me back.  It's so embarrassing this whole process.  Just need to get over myself and let it out!!  Crazy bc I see people and hear people telling me their story of being an addict and getting free.  And I praise them for their courage and honesty.  I truly wish I could be so transparent with everyone.  I'm not quote to that point yet.  But getting there slowly.  

[gnarly_1]

Hi Chris good to see you found us.....well for starters your low enough to jump ship you can keep tapering but it is hard to do at the low doses your going to go threw some needless withdrawals for the next 5 weeks so jump ship and get a head start I came off 150mg over a 8 1/2 month taper the withdrawal is really no more intense then what your probable feeling now it is the duration of time to recovery that makes it hard.... your detox will last 10 days to 2 weeks then recovery depends on how long you where on it your age and how high of dose your coming off of for most it is not as bad as you think it will be if you choose to keep drooping dose start on the 3 in 1 vitamin calcium/magnezum/zinc it is 6 bucks at walmart take 4 with breakfast and 4 with dinner in a few days you will notice your withdrawals are cut in 1/2  I only wish I had found that sooner when I detox  just know this...this is hard but it is doable every recovery is different for me 90 days was the beginning of recovery but I had a hard habit to break for some 30 days will do it of you where not on it long and your dose was always low most people fall into the 60 to 90 day deal you do get better but it is slowly the 2 worst symptoms are the lack of sleep and the ''energy crash'' I also recamend whey protein shake mix again walmart for 15 bucks a 2lb can drink 2 a day this will give you the amino acids as well as raw protein to help with the energy  the chocolate flavor is good mixed with milk keep posting for support we have a lot of members who have kicked methadone ...........Gnarly.............................

[SmilingBright]

Oh there's my girl Vic.  Yes I wonder who gave me my special name.  The one and only VIC (moose lips)!!!  You guys are all paving the way for me.  I know what I have I do!!  What can't we all just be closer to each other an should attend meetings together.   That would be the ultimate comfort zone.  I'm pretty shy    And wonder if I would open up in big meeting.  I've always been better one on one w people.   Hence why I'm such a great hygienist.  Bc I'm one on one w all my patients.  I love it that way.  Just have to find a place where I belong so I can heal !!  I have to get myself better.  I'm so tired if this crap!!!! Truly.  
I listen to lies of the devil telling me I need a pill for this or that and I will be more sociable.  It's all lies.  Tired of listening to the lies.  I will do this AFRAID Connie.  That's a good one I have heard  Joyce Meyer say over and over again.  DO IT AFRAID!!!  

[SmilingBright]

Hey gnarly, thanks for the info and support. Luckily I have all the recommended vitamins and protein.  I have about everything I have heard you guys talk about the last year and half.  I'm pretty preapred when it comes to that.  Now time to get enough courage to jump ship.   You are right.  I was never at super high dose of dones.  But it was high enough for me.  This last bout I was about 15 mg.  I'm 34 yr old about 120 lbs 5'9 and this isn't getting any easier to quit w age.  
One thing I've never had a problem w is sleep while going through detox.   Thank god for that.    But my biggest things is anxiety, cravings and lack of energy.    I Know in time it will get better. If I just give myself time to heal!!!!!  

[VICourageous]

Good One! Remember to have FEAR is to have No FAITH & to have FAITH is to have No FEAR! You do not have to talk until you are comfortable. You are going to be just floored and love it..I can see you Yacking now..lol Every time you go you will pick up more & more..Not just what others say, but all of them readings too..You can also get a temporary Sponsor until you have gone to enough to find one that suits you..I am a Bull Headed person so I needed a Tough Ol Biitch! lol You also do not need to rush into doing those 12 steps at once..Some people take it like homework that has to be done in one day. A sponsor will work slow and easy with you.You will be going over & over them steps as you grow and things change too. I need to do these again myself..Been through alot the last 6 or so months so I need to work this with my sponsor again. Having a Dr on board too has been one of my best support besides my Hub. Well the HUB is the BIGGEST of them all..Chris, I really think this will be so good for you for so many reasons..I think it will really help your social anxiety too..OH! I wish I could take you to a few..lol I also think you should just stop now. You are on a very low dose and many of us had Jumped off a bigger mg then that..Just do it--get it over--and be done--as you hit those Meetings!!!
I will be praying for you my friend..Send me a PM if you need to talk private too. I have been really busy and have lots of things to get done while it is summer, but I will get back..Going to send you a PM right now..lol

[SmilingBright]

Thanks sweet Vic.  You girls are all so precious to me.  I've been watching you all go through your journeys the last 1 1/2 yrs and God has been with you all!  I know He will be with me too!!! I trust that He will reward those who diligently seek Him!! We are doing just that.

[SmilingBright]

Ok so I'm feeling defeated right now.  Just talked to my pastor and he asked if hubby was going to get off pills too.  I told him I can't be so focused on his recovery. Only mine.  He said he feels like if I don't get hubby on board then counseling will be waste of money bc there will be too much temptation.   Omg!!!   Seriously

[marycarmel]

Please don't listen to your pastor.  I hate saying that.  I'm sure he means well but you need to take care of you.  Of course it would be easier if yournhusband wanted to stop but he doesn't.  I don't blame you for being resentful. I had huge resentments against my ex-husband because of the chaos his addiction caused.  I had an uncle whomwas a very bad alcoholic.  He married a woman who was also an alcoholic.  They were a mess.  Eventualy my uncle went to a state detox.  He had been on a plane to Ireland, drinking the whole way.  When helanded, they put him on the next plane back to Boston.  When e landed, they took him by ambulance to the state hospital.  He came out after 30 days addicted to pills and started drinking again.

At some pointhe started going to AA.  I think it was court ordered.  But at one of the meetings, something clicked.  He died two years ago withover 50 years of sobriety.  His wife never got sober.  He went to three AA meetings a week until he got sick aout two years before he died.  Every time he opened his fridge, there was a case of Bud Light staring back.  He never relapsed after that last icident and he really worked the steps.  Eventually the alcohol didn't tempt him.  He had so much sereity.  I don't know why he chose to stay with his wife but he did and his initial resetment went away.

You need to take care of yourself and counseling won't be a waste of money if you have a good counselor.  I'll be keeping you in my prayers.  I thik you sound ready to do this.

[SmilingBright]

Wow marycarmel, this really hit home w me.  
I agree on not really listening to everything my pastor said.  He doesn't get it!!! Thank you so much for telling me this story.  I will get help and continue to pray for my hubby to get sober!!  I don't want to resent my hubby    That has happened to me in the past. That's incredible your uncle remained sober for 50 years w someone his wife still using at hm.  That's incredible strength and courage. I pray I will overcome this no matter what hubby decides.  

[SmilingBright]

Basically the pastor told me I definitely need counseling. But next I needed to work on hubby to get him to quit.  
Which I have been trying to do.  It won't work in my own strength.   He has to want it for it to work.  

[ricart70]

We all have to want it for it to work. We have to want it more than we want to get high. Sometimes we have to go away to get our head clear and get clean so we can think straight. We have to be willing to do what it takes to stay clean and if we don't want to there is no one in the heavens or on earth who can do it for us. I know addiction happens to fit the disease model but I had to admit that getting high was not just something that "happened" to me magically. It was something I wanted to do and something I did. It was a two step (or more) process which I could have stopped at any time but I did not.
I had to stop getting high and stay stopped and things got clearer and until I did I suffered from muddled, magical and improperly focused thinking because I really believe that the addict brain that lay behind the scenes used all of these cloudy and magical thoughts as a convenient way to keep me using while I tried to think my way out of the problem. I instead had to live my way into better thinking. We are NOT truly connected to anything while we are still using and that is a fact. I am with gnarly on this one in that you should jump and start to move forward. Wishing you the best friend

[SmilingBright]

Thanks ricart.  You know I probably don't even realize how clouded my thinking must be at times.  Shameful to say. I'm looking forward to being free and not chained to pills anymore.  Trying to keep myself from being fearful of how flipping hard it will be though. I made the mistake by trying to ct last weekend off of 15 mg had that was heck.  So I decided to take 5 mg and taper from there to make it little easier.  I'm sure you guys think I'm a wuss bc of it.  But I made a plan and will stick w it this time.  Should be next week to jump.  Please no fussing for this one.  I was in pure freakmode last weekend    I'm hoping this will ease it a little.  As I'm pretty sure it will to some degree.  I've tapered down to around 3 mg bf and it was doable for me.   At least till about 1 month mark and all heck broke lose w mental cravings and the thought of it being in my house and I didn't have the tools I needed to stay clean.   Or maybe I wasn't quite ready yet.  Idk.

I will need all the support I can get this time as I don't want my children to have a mom who is an active addict!!  I refuse to do that to myself or my boys.  I owe them the best me I can give them.  (Clean and free)!!!!

[marycarmel]

You can't love someone sober.  I sure tried.  But all i really did was enable him to keep drinking and drugging.  You can't take care of anyone else unless you take care of you.  Resentment ruins your soul.  It took me years to let o of that.  Prayers, counseling and learning about addiction helped me let go.  You sound so ready for this journey to take your life back.  Don't let anything or anyone get in the way of that.  You've got lots of people here who have gone through what you're  and will help you all the way through this.  And you're helping others as you're going through this, some who are doing it now and some who will come through here later.  Don't lose your momentum.  I'm praying for you.

[ariley13]

I am with Mary on this. You definitely can't love someone sober.  My ex husband was an addict and an alcoholic. So was my father. I literally almost killed myself trying to 'save' both of them. It didn't work. My father died from his alcoholism, and my marriage died from all of the resentment and neglect. Don't you ever feel weak for being tempted by him having your DOC in the house. Any one of us would feel tempted in that situation. It's not a question of willpower. It's just not a very healthy environment. Not conducive to your recovery. I hope that your husband is able to get his act together and have the spirit and determination that you do to quit. If not, please don't let him jeopardize your recovery in any way. You are going to do this girl! Just keep your head straight, keep the faith, and keep fighting.

[Sweetness91]

Aww sweetie...you are NOT a wuss! I couldn't do ct either. It scared me too bad. Lol. I tapered all the way down to 1.25 and I know you did too before. If you did it once, I have faith you can do it again. Tapering is something that takes someone strong and determined. And that you are!! So happy to see you're trying this again. I'm sending out some big prayers for you. I love you girl. You got this!! :):):)

[clean_in_ks]

You know what?  Pastors are people just like me and you....they are not infallible....some I know are recovering addicts!  BUT.....just because they are pastors doesn't mean they understand addiction....in fact, many even give very "codependent advise", in my humble opinion.

To say counseling would be a waste....is simply a foolish statement.  My husband and I have been married a LONG as s time...and we have been separated two times during our many years.  The last time....(and addiction was NOT an issue here) that we separated...I had already begun counseling for MYSELF.  My hubby was not "open" to going AT ALL.  I went to counseling alone, on my own, for me... for 6 months.....and at some point....I KNEW that one of us had to have the courage to get off the merry-go-round we were on....so I chose to move out and work on myself.  The "D" (divorce) word was NEVER mentioned....but I DID say...."if you care about this marriage...you WILL show up for counseling Monday at NOON!!"
While I realize this is NOT your situation.....it's an example of stepping out and getting help for ourselves regardless of what our mate is willing to do at the time.
I only share that to let you know that counseling for YOU is NEVER a waste or the WRONG thing to do.  It can only HELP you to uncover and resolve issues within yourself.  Even if you don't have the "perfect" counselor....it doesn't matter.....it gives you a way to share what's inside of you with an "objective third party".

You have your own plan about tapering...and you are looking for NEW answers this go around, Chris.  That's GOOD.  My question to you is.....why can't you find someone to watch your boys one night a week?  SOMEONE in your life will watch them.....if your hubby isn't willing....a friend or family member sure would be.  Then you could GO to the Celebrate Recovery group in your town.....you could do private counseling too....but the process and the comfort of the Celebrate Recovery program is HEALING and would REALLY help you....even if your hubby never chooses to participate.  You lead the way....you change and grow....you risk your reputation in your community by taking care of YOU.  Then let God have ALL the pieces.....and have faith that the future will be SMILINGBRIGHT!