Please help!!! Tapering off of methadone (again)

[SmilingBright]

Hi guys.  I am tapering one again off of methadone.  I'm at 4 mg and my anxiety is sky high.  Had a cup of coffee this morning (big mistake).  Won't be doing that anymore while detoxing.  Anyways those who know me know hubby is still taking them.  He talks about getting off of them.  But I can't focus on his recovery.  Only mine.  That has been a huge problem of mine the last few years.  
I should be jumping here in the next week or so.  Just needed you guys for support.  You guys are the most caring group of people I've ever met.  I am actually finally admitting or surrendering to the thought of reaching out for external help / counseling or meetings.  Something!!!  I'm desperate.  I want to be a good momma of my two precious boys (5 and 3 yrs old ). They deserve the best!!!
Luckily I just cut back working to only 2 days a week.  So that will help w wds.  
I was no anxious to pair on the public forum again as I have failed so many times.  Feel like I may have lost the support of many friends.  About to call my pastor and talk w him.   I will be back later and check in
Love Chris

[SmilingBright]

Hey Mary and ms d, he def knows I'm quitting.  He just doesn't think I need to go to meetings.  For several reasons I'm sure.  He doesn't want the secret out that he's taking anything.  :( also he days he's afraid of people in the community knowing what my problem is and judging me for it.   I'm a hygienist and he thinks my job would be at jeopardy.  Stupid.  I know.  That's why I was thinking of private counseling first. Then easing into public meetings.  To be honest it's all scary to me.  I know I need to do things differently this time around.  And I will.   Just feel some serious oppression right now from the enemy.  Need to go do some praying.  
I just heard "Big Daddy Weave" just the way I am!!!!  Oh wow has that song spoke to my heart this morning.   Such a great song.    He loves me just the way I am!!!!;)

[msdelight]

Absolutely tell him the the truth! Be his role model and Muse! Show him what happiness really looks like! God will do the rest! Stay strong in love and recovery no matter what he says. Holding you close mama!

[marycarmel]

Tell him the truth.  It will be good for him to see you taking care of yourself.  Is he supportive of you but just doesn't want to get off himself or does he try to get you to stay on it with him?

[SmilingBright]

Wow ladies.   Thank you all for the feedback.  I am taking this all in.  I know I can't make hubby do anything.  Just praying as a shellofme said and by me doing the right thing maybe he will want what I have.  I just have to stick w it.   Supposed to be getting a call back from my pastor to see which Christian counselor is rec for my situation.   Just need to find out how much it is....  Also there are celebrate recovery meetings in my area on few days all at night and some have childcare.  So that would be great.   Just not sure what I will tell hubby I'm doing.  Guess I should tell him truth.  Just wish thee were some meetings during the darn day while he was at work:(
Thank you all for the support!!!  
Love always Chris

[AShellof_Me]

Hi there girl~
so... I haven't read through every comment... but I did catch on to the counseling "thing" and to the pastor thinking perhaps it might be a waste of time if your husband is still in active addiction...

Don't know about your Celebrate Recovery group at your church, but mine always had sitting services available... you might want to check on that honey.

I completely agree with clean_in_ks... you should do this for you... and yes, pastors are well meaning, but they can be "off" sometimes too... not meaning to be, of course, but they just can be.

So, because you are a Christian I am going to speak freely on this for a moment... 1 Peter 3:1-2 speaks to something I think is important for "us' wives to take into consideration... "if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives."  
IF that is possible, THEN isn't it ALSO possible that by moving forward with HEALTHY choices and setting an EXAMPLE of sobriety through your ACTIONS such as going to counseling and seeking out meetings... your husband could possible SEE all of this beauty in you and desire that for himself?  It seems so to me....

Just something to noodle on. I find God's Word to have several layers - always. The top layer - what's right there in front of us - the basic story. Then many layers beyond that... the analogies... the parables... the connections to our own lives today... and on and on...

Anyway, last bit. I see a Christian counselor. I chose him specifically because he's got a background in addiction "issues & recovery"... He's a recovering addict.  In other words, he gets it. He knows how my wacky brain works... for me, that was important. What's REALLY important is just having SOMEONE to HEAR YOU... help you sort your stuff out... learn some new skills for life.
Praying for ya girlie :)
Remember you don't have to do EVERYTHING right now... it's ONE day at a time. HUGS!!

[clean_in_ks]

You know what?  Pastors are people just like me and you....they are not infallible....some I know are recovering addicts!  BUT.....just because they are pastors doesn't mean they understand addiction....in fact, many even give very "codependent advise", in my humble opinion.

To say counseling would be a waste....is simply a foolish statement.  My husband and I have been married a LONG as s time...and we have been separated two times during our many years.  The last time....(and addiction was NOT an issue here) that we separated...I had already begun counseling for MYSELF.  My hubby was not "open" to going AT ALL.  I went to counseling alone, on my own, for me... for 6 months.....and at some point....I KNEW that one of us had to have the courage to get off the merry-go-round we were on....so I chose to move out and work on myself.  The "D" (divorce) word was NEVER mentioned....but I DID say...."if you care about this marriage...you WILL show up for counseling Monday at NOON!!"
While I realize this is NOT your situation.....it's an example of stepping out and getting help for ourselves regardless of what our mate is willing to do at the time.
I only share that to let you know that counseling for YOU is NEVER a waste or the WRONG thing to do.  It can only HELP you to uncover and resolve issues within yourself.  Even if you don't have the "perfect" counselor....it doesn't matter.....it gives you a way to share what's inside of you with an "objective third party".

You have your own plan about tapering...and you are looking for NEW answers this go around, Chris.  That's GOOD.  My question to you is.....why can't you find someone to watch your boys one night a week?  SOMEONE in your life will watch them.....if your hubby isn't willing....a friend or family member sure would be.  Then you could GO to the Celebrate Recovery group in your town.....you could do private counseling too....but the process and the comfort of the Celebrate Recovery program is HEALING and would REALLY help you....even if your hubby never chooses to participate.  You lead the way....you change and grow....you risk your reputation in your community by taking care of YOU.  Then let God have ALL the pieces.....and have faith that the future will be SMILINGBRIGHT!