Please help!!! Tapering off of methadone (again)

[SmilingBright]

Hi guys.  I am tapering one again off of methadone.  I'm at 4 mg and my anxiety is sky high.  Had a cup of coffee this morning (big mistake).  Won't be doing that anymore while detoxing.  Anyways those who know me know hubby is still taking them.  He talks about getting off of them.  But I can't focus on his recovery.  Only mine.  That has been a huge problem of mine the last few years.  
I should be jumping here in the next week or so.  Just needed you guys for support.  You guys are the most caring group of people I've ever met.  I am actually finally admitting or surrendering to the thought of reaching out for external help / counseling or meetings.  Something!!!  I'm desperate.  I want to be a good momma of my two precious boys (5 and 3 yrs old ). They deserve the best!!!
Luckily I just cut back working to only 2 days a week.  So that will help w wds.  
I was no anxious to pair on the public forum again as I have failed so many times.  Feel like I may have lost the support of many friends.  About to call my pastor and talk w him.   I will be back later and check in
Love Chris

[SmilingBright]

Wow marycarmel, this really hit home w me.  
I agree on not really listening to everything my pastor said.  He doesn't get it!!! Thank you so much for telling me this story.  I will get help and continue to pray for my hubby to get sober!!  I don't want to resent my hubby    That has happened to me in the past. That's incredible your uncle remained sober for 50 years w someone his wife still using at hm.  That's incredible strength and courage. I pray I will overcome this no matter what hubby decides.  

[marycarmel]

Please don't listen to your pastor.  I hate saying that.  I'm sure he means well but you need to take care of you.  Of course it would be easier if yournhusband wanted to stop but he doesn't.  I don't blame you for being resentful. I had huge resentments against my ex-husband because of the chaos his addiction caused.  I had an uncle whomwas a very bad alcoholic.  He married a woman who was also an alcoholic.  They were a mess.  Eventualy my uncle went to a state detox.  He had been on a plane to Ireland, drinking the whole way.  When helanded, they put him on the next plane back to Boston.  When e landed, they took him by ambulance to the state hospital.  He came out after 30 days addicted to pills and started drinking again.

At some pointhe started going to AA.  I think it was court ordered.  But at one of the meetings, something clicked.  He died two years ago withover 50 years of sobriety.  His wife never got sober.  He went to three AA meetings a week until he got sick aout two years before he died.  Every time he opened his fridge, there was a case of Bud Light staring back.  He never relapsed after that last icident and he really worked the steps.  Eventually the alcohol didn't tempt him.  He had so much sereity.  I don't know why he chose to stay with his wife but he did and his initial resetment went away.

You need to take care of yourself and counseling won't be a waste of money if you have a good counselor.  I'll be keeping you in my prayers.  I thik you sound ready to do this.

[SmilingBright]

Ok so I'm feeling defeated right now.  Just talked to my pastor and he asked if hubby was going to get off pills too.  I told him I can't be so focused on his recovery. Only mine.  He said he feels like if I don't get hubby on board then counseling will be waste of money bc there will be too much temptation.   Omg!!!   Seriously

[SmilingBright]

Thanks sweet Vic.  You girls are all so precious to me.  I've been watching you all go through your journeys the last 1 1/2 yrs and God has been with you all!  I know He will be with me too!!! I trust that He will reward those who diligently seek Him!! We are doing just that.

[VICourageous]

Good One! Remember to have FEAR is to have No FAITH & to have FAITH is to have No FEAR! You do not have to talk until you are comfortable. You are going to be just floored and love it..I can see you Yacking now..lol Every time you go you will pick up more & more..Not just what others say, but all of them readings too..You can also get a temporary Sponsor until you have gone to enough to find one that suits you..I am a Bull Headed person so I needed a Tough Ol Biitch! lol You also do not need to rush into doing those 12 steps at once..Some people take it like homework that has to be done in one day. A sponsor will work slow and easy with you.You will be going over & over them steps as you grow and things change too. I need to do these again myself..Been through alot the last 6 or so months so I need to work this with my sponsor again. Having a Dr on board too has been one of my best support besides my Hub. Well the HUB is the BIGGEST of them all..Chris, I really think this will be so good for you for so many reasons..I think it will really help your social anxiety too..OH! I wish I could take you to a few..lol I also think you should just stop now. You are on a very low dose and many of us had Jumped off a bigger mg then that..Just do it--get it over--and be done--as you hit those Meetings!!!
I will be praying for you my friend..Send me a PM if you need to talk private too. I have been really busy and have lots of things to get done while it is summer, but I will get back..Going to send you a PM right now..lol

[SmilingBright]

Hey gnarly, thanks for the info and support. Luckily I have all the recommended vitamins and protein.  I have about everything I have heard you guys talk about the last year and half.  I'm pretty preapred when it comes to that.  Now time to get enough courage to jump ship.   You are right.  I was never at super high dose of dones.  But it was high enough for me.  This last bout I was about 15 mg.  I'm 34 yr old about 120 lbs 5'9 and this isn't getting any easier to quit w age.  
One thing I've never had a problem w is sleep while going through detox.   Thank god for that.    But my biggest things is anxiety, cravings and lack of energy.    I Know in time it will get better. If I just give myself time to heal!!!!!