Please help!!! Tapering off of methadone (again)

[SmilingBright]

Hi guys.  I am tapering one again off of methadone.  I'm at 4 mg and my anxiety is sky high.  Had a cup of coffee this morning (big mistake).  Won't be doing that anymore while detoxing.  Anyways those who know me know hubby is still taking them.  He talks about getting off of them.  But I can't focus on his recovery.  Only mine.  That has been a huge problem of mine the last few years.  
I should be jumping here in the next week or so.  Just needed you guys for support.  You guys are the most caring group of people I've ever met.  I am actually finally admitting or surrendering to the thought of reaching out for external help / counseling or meetings.  Something!!!  I'm desperate.  I want to be a good momma of my two precious boys (5 and 3 yrs old ). They deserve the best!!!
Luckily I just cut back working to only 2 days a week.  So that will help w wds.  
I was no anxious to pair on the public forum again as I have failed so many times.  Feel like I may have lost the support of many friends.  About to call my pastor and talk w him.   I will be back later and check in
Love Chris

[Sweetness91]

Aww sweetie...you are NOT a wuss! I couldn't do ct either. It scared me too bad. Lol. I tapered all the way down to 1.25 and I know you did too before. If you did it once, I have faith you can do it again. Tapering is something that takes someone strong and determined. And that you are!! So happy to see you're trying this again. I'm sending out some big prayers for you. I love you girl. You got this!! :):):)

[ariley13]

I am with Mary on this. You definitely can't love someone sober.  My ex husband was an addict and an alcoholic. So was my father. I literally almost killed myself trying to 'save' both of them. It didn't work. My father died from his alcoholism, and my marriage died from all of the resentment and neglect. Don't you ever feel weak for being tempted by him having your DOC in the house. Any one of us would feel tempted in that situation. It's not a question of willpower. It's just not a very healthy environment. Not conducive to your recovery. I hope that your husband is able to get his act together and have the spirit and determination that you do to quit. If not, please don't let him jeopardize your recovery in any way. You are going to do this girl! Just keep your head straight, keep the faith, and keep fighting.

[marycarmel]

You can't love someone sober.  I sure tried.  But all i really did was enable him to keep drinking and drugging.  You can't take care of anyone else unless you take care of you.  Resentment ruins your soul.  It took me years to let o of that.  Prayers, counseling and learning about addiction helped me let go.  You sound so ready for this journey to take your life back.  Don't let anything or anyone get in the way of that.  You've got lots of people here who have gone through what you're  and will help you all the way through this.  And you're helping others as you're going through this, some who are doing it now and some who will come through here later.  Don't lose your momentum.  I'm praying for you.

[SmilingBright]

Thanks ricart.  You know I probably don't even realize how clouded my thinking must be at times.  Shameful to say. I'm looking forward to being free and not chained to pills anymore.  Trying to keep myself from being fearful of how flipping hard it will be though. I made the mistake by trying to ct last weekend off of 15 mg had that was heck.  So I decided to take 5 mg and taper from there to make it little easier.  I'm sure you guys think I'm a wuss bc of it.  But I made a plan and will stick w it this time.  Should be next week to jump.  Please no fussing for this one.  I was in pure freakmode last weekend    I'm hoping this will ease it a little.  As I'm pretty sure it will to some degree.  I've tapered down to around 3 mg bf and it was doable for me.   At least till about 1 month mark and all heck broke lose w mental cravings and the thought of it being in my house and I didn't have the tools I needed to stay clean.   Or maybe I wasn't quite ready yet.  Idk.

I will need all the support I can get this time as I don't want my children to have a mom who is an active addict!!  I refuse to do that to myself or my boys.  I owe them the best me I can give them.  (Clean and free)!!!!

[ricart70]

We all have to want it for it to work. We have to want it more than we want to get high. Sometimes we have to go away to get our head clear and get clean so we can think straight. We have to be willing to do what it takes to stay clean and if we don't want to there is no one in the heavens or on earth who can do it for us. I know addiction happens to fit the disease model but I had to admit that getting high was not just something that "happened" to me magically. It was something I wanted to do and something I did. It was a two step (or more) process which I could have stopped at any time but I did not.
I had to stop getting high and stay stopped and things got clearer and until I did I suffered from muddled, magical and improperly focused thinking because I really believe that the addict brain that lay behind the scenes used all of these cloudy and magical thoughts as a convenient way to keep me using while I tried to think my way out of the problem. I instead had to live my way into better thinking. We are NOT truly connected to anything while we are still using and that is a fact. I am with gnarly on this one in that you should jump and start to move forward. Wishing you the best friend

[SmilingBright]

Basically the pastor told me I definitely need counseling. But next I needed to work on hubby to get him to quit.  
Which I have been trying to do.  It won't work in my own strength.   He has to want it for it to work.