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Pregnant wife of an addict.. can me leaving be justified?
Thank God for forums like this, and thank you for your insight. I have been married for 1 year. When we met, I had absolutely no idea that SO was an addict or struggled with addiction. However, after the past year, in hindsight all of the signs are all so very clear. My SO has truly shattered any trust or security that I had with them. My daughter was only 9 months old when I made the decision to relocate 8 hours away from my family and move in. We married just shortly after that. I took a huge leap of faith by entrusting them with not only mine, but my child's lives and I do admit that I should not have acted so hastily, but we were (are?) deeply in love. I followed my heart, and I trusted. As time went on, I uncovered lie after lie about what SO was up to, things SO were hiding, where money and my belongings were disappearing to, etc. I am an analytical person by nature and the fact that it even took me as long as it did to uncover what was really going on is surprising. Anyway... SO's addiction has altered my perception so much so that I question whether I've ever truly known/loved THEM, or if their addicted/manipulative self just painted a perfectly untrue picture for me to fall in love with. When I found old messages between them and friends and females from before we met (yes I know that's incredibly snoopy but after so many lies and feeling like I didn't know the person at all, I had to dig for the truth), I was shocked at the way in which SO conducted themself. The expression of their love for drugs, their unadulterated admittance about their use, SO would neglect their child to go out and use....... I was utterly shocked. This coming from a person who, as far as I knew, was a devout Christian, one who honored and respected people, who was strictly monogamous and loved children and so on. I'm sorry to digress, just trying to paint a very generalized picture here.. Anyway, I truly cherish and honor the sanctity of our marriage. I absolutely love them, they absolutely love me. I'm convinced that SO is wonderful inside but I question whether or not they married me because they were subconsciously hoping that I could be the person or thing to save them from ones self. SO is very co-dependent and self-destructive. SO's late father was an addict and alcoholic, and SO's mother was an enabler. My late father was also an addict and alcoholic, and my mother used to be an alcoholic as well. We both have seen the horrible tole that addiction can take and have always bonded over our similar experiences. I try to factor this into understanding SO's struggle, but find it extremely difficult when I grew up with the same thing and yet do not have addictive traits myself. We are going to have a baby soon and I have recently left our house with my child and am now staying with a family member. SO has been unable to drive due to SO's license being revoked and relied on me for literally everything - driving them to pick up prescriptions, taking them to work detail to work off their court fees. SO's been unemployed for the majority of our marriage. The only income we have keeping us afloat is Social Security disability, for which I am the payee, and my family's generosity. Our mortgage hasn't been paid in months, we are passed due on all of our bills, my gold has been stolen, SO's taken hundreds of dollars of cash back from my debit card, as they have no income or debit card of their own. When SO did get a job, they got multiple payday loans which were never paid off, SO sold their truck and got $15,000 which I NEVER saw a single dime of. Before I was the payee or had any involvement with the finances I cannot tell you how many times our heat, electricity, water, and power had been turned off because SO used the money elsewhere. SO even had a bout with CPS shortly after I had moved in because SO had allowed their child to miss so much school. SO MANY RED FLAGS!!! NOW we are bringing another child into the world and I CANNOT do it under such questionable circumstances. I had been feeling the urge to fight or flight for so long, and after attending drug counseling with them and uncovering the fact that SO was continuing to lie and manipulate me, I feel as though it's too late in the game to give them any more chances. I still want our marriage to work but the uncertainty and SO's inability to provide as an SO has left me no choice but to take my child and high tail it out of there. And believe you me, if SO's child were biologically mine or I had legal guardianship, they'd be right here with me. I am completely torn. SO guilt trips me for "abandoning" them and his child, when it's really out of my power. Child loves me and I love him and call him my own. My child is always asking where her sibling is... I feel like I'm being forced to choose the lesser of two evils - either stay there in that home and risk losing EVERYTHING and jeopardizing the children's well-being, or leave my SO and his child to protect my children. Am I a horrible person? What is someone in my position SUPPOSED to do?? I can't say that risking the children is the wise thing to do and absolutely refuse to raise a child in a home where I have absolutely no trust, safety or security. I really thought I'd be able to write a quick response but I guess my story kind of took over.. I've been at my family member's for about a week and we are going back to my old home with a moving truck to get the rest of my things in two days... I've given them an ultimatum of get clean or no me.. SO knows where I stand, but doesn't know how serious I am this time... doesn't even know that I'll be arriving at SO's house with a moving truck in 2 days. I've left before, but caved under fear and guilt. I can no longer waste time. I've got to act. Please someone tell me, am I a horrible person or is there any justifiable logic to what I am doing??
Please keep us updated on how it is going..It seems that u got some good support from here...Now u just let us know whats up..
May God be with you and your family..
vickie
May God be with you and your family..
vickie
You hit the nail on the head. It's uncanny how transparent an addict can become once you've unraveled the nature of their ways. I'm still learning but I feel as though these past few months have really opened my eyes. He totally believes he can control it or stop whenever he wants, and is a VERY skilled liar and manipulator. I always thought my BS meter was pretty accurate, and I still do, but man, he's got one hell of a poker face. My heart breaks for his son as well. His mother, who was also an addict, committed suicide last year and now all he has is his father. Lately I have been seriously considering calling CPS, but I hate the idea of ripping him away from his dad.. But in all honesty, his dad does nothing significant that that boy needs. When I was living there I was the only person making sure he had clean laundry, took showers, ate, did his homework, went to school, had a clean room, read with him, made sure he got to bed at a decent hour.. And those are just the parenting norms. His father doesn't even listen to him when he speaks. I just don't know what to do. That child is turning 9 this May and I don't want him to grow up to be like his father is now. He's getting older quickly and is becoming less pliable as a person. I fear his awareness to his father's addictions and beginning to hold resentment will result in him making very bad decisions and leading a bad life. He's such a sweet, considerate and innocent little loving soul and the idea of that being tainted by his father's lifestyle really disturbs me. I think I am going to reach out to my husband's mother and give her the 411 on how bad things really are. She's the type who likes to keep her hear in the sand so I'm not sure any of it will be reciprocated, but she knows her son's past so it's not like she's unaware of the trouble drugs have previously gotten him into. She is the only person in that circle of family members and friends who I would trust with taking care of the boy.
You are so courageous and strong for so openly sharing your story, and I just want to tell you that you doing so has really helped me. It leaves a pretty big impact on me to hear it "straight from the horses mouth", so to say. Thank you so much for that. My husband is also the type who would give the shirt off of his back, but when under the influence of drugs, he is a completely different person. He used every holiday or special occasion - Christmas, my birthday, our anniversary, Valentine's day - as an alibi to get from me to "buy my presents". I didn't get anything. And what's ridiculous is rather than fessing up, he continues dragging on his story, insisting that he has date money set aside, that he's just planning everything out. I don't care about material things, it's the principle that infuriates me. I am so sorry to hear about your upbringing and how traumatic it was but I believe that you will be blessed tenfold for all of those tribulations. My husband has had his share of traumatic experiences as well. He's experienced the deaths of so many family and friends; the kicked being his ex-wife. She hung herself in his bathroom and he found her body. I feel as though he is trying so hard to submerge and run away from those experiences. I want so badly for him to be able to learn to process his way through all of the emotions so that he isn't so urged to use every time bad happens. I really think his using has stunted his emotional growth in that sense. You mentioned Neurontin and he's had so many problems with that stuff it isn't even funny. He's misused the hell out of it and was taking like 3,000 mg a day at one point. I know a lot of it is psychological, he really relies on having SOMETHING to take to "make him feel better". I've spent so much money getting his Neurontin it's ridiculous. And he'll pretend he's lost his bottles of it and tell me he needs more asap, when I know he just ate them all. Addiction is such an ugly monster. The way it consumes the mind is just heartbreaking and devastating. Thank you for reiterating that I can still support him from a distance. It was never my idea to abandon him, only to protect my children. I still want to help him and see him recover and I thank you for giving me encouragement in knowing that it can be done.
Your story is so inspirational. It's very uplifting to hear about your trials and your recovery. I commend you for pushing through all that you endured. I love your quote "Don't talk to your husband about God, girl......talk to God about your husband". It's ironic because I just texted a bible verse to my husband. I really value and appreciate all that you said to validate that what I was doing, was in fact the right thing to do. Also, thank you for your honesty and for sharing your story with me. I have learned a lot but there is still so much that I don't understand.. You've really shed some light on some things for me, thank you SO much.
Hi Vickie, thank you for taking so much interest in my predicament. To answer your question, YES he wants help! He is always telling me that he wants help and that he wants to change. What he is actually willing to do to follow through with that statement though, I don't know. I've been trying to look up rehabilitation centers in his area that might be free but I'm not seeing anything. He doesn't have health insurance or medicaid. I left his house 10 days ago with my daughter and just last night me, my mother, brother and my brother's girlfriend all drove 8 hours down to his house to pack up my things, and drive 8 hours back. Ever since I left, he's been hanging out with his addict family members and friends. He has no existing positive influence down there whatsoever. He does have a friend who has been clean since October, but he's got a long history with some pretty nasty drugs. Plus, I've heard of him getting clean and relapsing so many times that I can't really feel confident in him being a truly good influence or role model to my husband.
Hi and Welcome! I wanted to lend my support to you as well. Clean's advice is right on. You are an excellent mother and absolutely doing the right thing. As a mother myself and having lived in a situation very similar to yours, I completely understand the turmoil of confusion and being torn you are going through. In a nutshell, when in active addiction the users behavior becomes very primal even though they know what they are doing is wrong. The addiction IS the priority until they decide that recovery is their priority. It HAS to be before loved ones, family, friends, etc., in order to be there for them. Its not something that is ever cured, but it can be treated if the person wants it. And unfortunately it takes losing everything including their health, family, jobs, finances or jails and institutions before they realize it. Addicts do believe they can control it or stop whenever they want and they are very skilled liars and manipulators as you are aware of. They can put quite the guilt trip on you. I can imagine that he is trying to make you feel bad about the kids, ripping the family apart is your fault. And making you feel awful about his kid too. It is NOT your fault and you just keep doing what you are doing to protect them from the unstable life he is providing. He may think its not affecting them, but it is. Until he is clean and stays clean you are doing the right thing. As far as his child goes, my heart breaks for him. Where is his mother? Is she out of the picture completely? What about his family? Can they help? I certai ly wish you all the best with your new baby and in staying strong until he does the right thing.
Welcome, .....You are NOT a horrible person and YES your logic is PERFECT! You are a very WISE, open-minded, caring young woman and mother! It is very good to hear you have learned so much about addiction and have been participating in drug counseling along w/your hubby.
I'm sure you have probably learned alcoholism/addiction is a family illness and affects ALL family members. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your children right now IS to separate yourself from "active" addiction.
Learning boundaries and drawing new lines in the sand are quite difficult when we love an addict. But you are doing it and I think you are SO brave to act on what you have learned even when it's ripping your heart out at times. Codependency can make us so sick that we also become unable to make healthy choices.
Sounds like you ARE though. (making healthy choices, I mean)....and I'm rootin for you.
During my many yrs of marriage, I found it necessary to separate from my hubby two times (7 yrs apart). It was the hardest, yet healthiest, most beneficial thing I ever found the courage to do. I wasn't sure while acting on the decision to separate whether we would remain together or what the future held......but I also knew nothing would change......until something changed.
If you are able to get support from Al-anon or Nar-anon, it will gird you up and surround you with others learning to live their lives who love an addict. I had to meeting shop a bit before I found one that felt like home to me....but that fellowship blessed me and helped me more than I can express.
I hadn't a clue what would happen to us.....and in those first insecure weeks for me, I read something that has stayed with me for years.....
"Don't talk to your husband about God, girl......talk to God about your husband"
I am both a recovering addict AND a lover of MANY, MANY alcoholic/addicts in my immediate and extended family. The majority are in recovery now......many of them had separations in their marriages too....
....it's truly amazing what God will do if we surrender our hearts to Him~
Blessings to you and hope you'll hang around.....the Living w/an Addict Forum is a great place, too.
I'm sure you have probably learned alcoholism/addiction is a family illness and affects ALL family members. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your children right now IS to separate yourself from "active" addiction.
Learning boundaries and drawing new lines in the sand are quite difficult when we love an addict. But you are doing it and I think you are SO brave to act on what you have learned even when it's ripping your heart out at times. Codependency can make us so sick that we also become unable to make healthy choices.
Sounds like you ARE though. (making healthy choices, I mean)....and I'm rootin for you.
During my many yrs of marriage, I found it necessary to separate from my hubby two times (7 yrs apart). It was the hardest, yet healthiest, most beneficial thing I ever found the courage to do. I wasn't sure while acting on the decision to separate whether we would remain together or what the future held......but I also knew nothing would change......until something changed.
If you are able to get support from Al-anon or Nar-anon, it will gird you up and surround you with others learning to live their lives who love an addict. I had to meeting shop a bit before I found one that felt like home to me....but that fellowship blessed me and helped me more than I can express.
I hadn't a clue what would happen to us.....and in those first insecure weeks for me, I read something that has stayed with me for years.....
"Don't talk to your husband about God, girl......talk to God about your husband"
I am both a recovering addict AND a lover of MANY, MANY alcoholic/addicts in my immediate and extended family. The majority are in recovery now......many of them had separations in their marriages too....
....it's truly amazing what God will do if we surrender our hearts to Him~
Blessings to you and hope you'll hang around.....the Living w/an Addict Forum is a great place, too.
Hi girl...I am the one thats right next door to you here in Sandpoint...Does he want help???? The disease of addiction goes way and beyond are control..We get so out of contro that is why we use to live and live to use...I have alot of videos that explains alot about the disease in many, many ways,,It takes over the survial (pleasure) part of the brain..There is so much I can say...I was on the hydo/oxy that lead to a 12yr methedone ride..I went c/t in Sept...From here all this info is saving my but* today plus outside support & God...Do u know any body there that is in recovery from drug..Does he still hang with drug friends??Yes I am sure..The biggest and I will say again is DOES HE WANT HELP???? I can go on & on but feel free to PM me..We are such close neighbors I can hook up in crd'lnene when I go to a meeting that way...Have to go to a business one in spokan soon...Anyway feel free to PM OK...
vickie
vickie
I cannot thank you two enough for your responses.I have felt so isolated and I am so uplifted to hear back from people with experience on the matter. sweetnsassy I really appreciate your encouragement, and thank you so much for the forum recommendation. jennlp29 I really appreciate your candid response and honesty. that's excellent advice and I really value your input on such a personal matter. I truly hope that you continue to progress and keep the strength to persevere. It's so very difficult to leave my husband and take on such a major lifestyle change along with bringing a new baby to the world but you two have it absolutely right - it's all about the children. I just hope that I can continue to support him from a distance. He sees me leaving as being synonymous with giving up in him.. which couldn't be further from the truth. but I also understand thatas an addict, he doesn't have a clear perception of the reality of the situation. I just pray that his heart be opened to understanding. You guys didn't have to write to me but you did and I am so very very grateful for your kind words and support. I really needed that... Thank you. <3
I also just wanted to give you some insight into wds...with myself I would start getting leg cramp, very nauseous, hot n cold chills, sweating, vomiting..its not fun..even coming off a tapered dose of methadone. .I'm on day 9 I still don't feel great but I don't feel like I did..potassium has helped..magnesium helps..I take a daily multi vitamin..a lot of hot showers n baths..n a lot of pepto..lol..I was an opiate addict for 2yrs I used through needles n I found par...I was on methadone for 2yrs and 9mths of that 2yrs I was tapering off it n got a bit antsy at 5mg n jumped off it now kinda wish I stayed n went dwn to 1mg but I'm almost through the worst of it now...I had a very troubled childhood as well my dad was an alcoholic n addict n didn't hide it, my dad abused my stepmom she abused me ...when I got into my teens I was raped mre than once by the time I was 18 I was on my way to being a full blown addict..I am 29 now and through an amazing counselor at par (they r not so easy to find I consider myself lucky I had an amazing counselor) she helped me work through a lot of my past n helped me bury the hatchet so to say..the memories n abuse will always be there its up to me to chose how I let it affect my life...try to find him some help a detox center. Suboxone..methadone as a last alternative. ...try to get him help n not help by xanax or nuerontin....actual help yhrough rehab...its not something that can usually be done on your own..especially if he has a past like he does he needs professional help n again u can be very supportive from a distance until he can prove himself worthy..and I would look into getting his son because its not a good environment for him to be in at all...again good luck with everything
I am an addict myself..don't want to say I'm recovered yet I just broke my safety net with rehab 8days ago n its hard..I stole from family, friends, strangers.just about anyone I could to support my pill habit and I was taking 10-12 pills a day..I lived in pasco, fl number 1 plsce to get pills n easy it was...it wasnt until 2yrs later I lost my son, my family...my husband found out I was using intravenously he flipped out..I had my 2nd son 2yrs ago n jan. While I watched my innocent son detox because of me it changed something n me and I went straight into rehab..well a par methadone maintenance program...not my first choice of curing addiction bu t its helped I stayed on methadone for 2years again as I said earlier I have just now broke my safety net with them I'm 9 days off methadone....in those 2yrs I got my life back I have my son back from cps, I have a relationship with my family again, and my husband has been amazing... I think u r doing right thing by leaving because there r children involved and when he calls crying that he loves u n wants u home stay strong while he's still using he really just means he misses ur money n needs to get high..look in your area for suboxone docs or methadone maintenance program just don't stay on it as long as a did..use it to help get off drugs thrn slowly ever so slow taper off it..it took my almost a full 9mths to taper n I still eish I would of went slower...if he is able to get into a rehab or detox center he will need a lot of support ..which u can give him n do not have to move back with him...I am an amazing person I have a huge heart n would give a homeless person the last scrounged up change I have to eat but when I was using opiates I didn't care who I hurt or what I dif to anyone as long as I got my fix.if he uses heroine or opiates when he doesn't have any the physical sickness u feel is unlike anything u can imagine n that's why addicts continue to use...I hope everything works for you if he really loves you n his children he will b willing to get help..I Did it when I lost my children getting help was my first step to getting them back....just remember too he can't do it alone but you don't have to be there to help... ill keep u in my prayers. ..
Sorry hit post too quick.... Now stick to it!!! Your life and those of the kids depend on it!!! You may find additional support in the " living with an addict" forum as well. Good luck and God bless and keep your head up!!!! ; )
I am sorry to read your situation however IMO you are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing. In reading your post I feel you have a strength that will defiantly serve you well. You already know that you not only have yourself but your children to look after and this relationship is not the best environment is not suitable for you or your family . You have given your husband your ultimatum
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