Question for those who quit - but who's partners refuse to stop

[tired_of_oxy]

  I'm having a dilemma here, I am set to quit on Tuesday and as some of you might know I went through a separation a few months ago. Thing is we've been trying to patch things up and although he doesn't "officially" live with me he's here all the time so might as well be. He's the father of my kids and I do love him although there are many issues we need to work on in our relationship.

Here's the problem: He is also into the pills but refuses to do anything about it. Although he knows he's an addict he can't or won't go ct and won't even consider methadone or suboxone treatment. So in other words he's quite content to stay in active addiction and justifies it by saying his habit is not that bad. True that mine is much worse but we all know that eventually his habit will be as big as mine or bigger. But back to my concern: How can I stay clean if he's coming home every day high on pills? Trying to get off them and stay off will be hard enough without the added stress of having someone in active addiction around me. I've come to the painful realization that I might need to end it for good if he refuses to address his addiction. And I'm prepared to do that. I love him but I love my kids more and they need a mom around for years to come. If being with him means I won't be able to stay clean or be stressed out all the time over his habit then he'll have to go.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in the position of trying to get clean while dealing with a partner who refuses to get clean. This really *****..I love him but I fear that we'll have to close the book for good on our relationship if he refuses to get help. After all we've both lost to this addiction you'd think he'd want to change but he doesn't..I don't get it. Any advice would be appreciated!

[jstntime]

I totally agree with all the others above.

This task is hard enough to do with ALL the support in the world but it's impossible to do with a mate who is using.  It might work for a while but it will wear you down.  I hope he reaches out for help so that you guys can find a way to make it work before drugs destroy another family.

I really feel for you and hope you get it figured out,

bob

[onthefence]

Hi, i have been down this road for a long time, in fact thats why I started to read this forum, my wife and I are both recovering addicts, and I use to get so upset because she would run out before me every month and I would share of course becuase i couldn't stand to see her sick, buit i really resented it, (and it caused us to move to heroin sometimes cuz we couldn't afford pills when our scripts ran out).
I ofcourse always thought I had it under control cuz I could stretch mine out and she would go crazy on hers, well in the end neither of us had anything in control,.
back in 97 started to want to get sober and sought out counseling, and the counsler asked me "do you want to be married or sober" well I chose married (we been together since we were 17).
This year I decided enough was enough and stopped cold turkey, I decided my sobriety cannot be deternined by her's, fortuantly she was ready to, and now we keep moving fwd. one day at a time Sober!
but I guess what I am tryin to say is IMO its nearly impossible to maintain sobriety while living around/with someone that doesnt have the same agenda.
My wife and I are codependant which is not very healthy , we are now inj counseling and working on that also.
Everybody has to make their own descisions , especially on relationships, but I thought i would add my experience for whatever its worth, I hope whatever happens both of you can work everything out and have peace.

[LeaAnn807]

I've been there!  My ex husband and I were both addicted for 12 years....the entire duration of our marriage.  I can't tell you how many times I attempted to quit by going into treatment, once for 4 months out of state, only to come home to my husband wanting to use again!  It's crazy and almost impossible.  We divorced a few years ago, and I got clean.  I ended up being given tramadol and getting hooked on that, but until then I was clean since 07.  

My point??  I guess if you go by MY particular history, it won't work.  You have to decide if you want him?  Or your sobriety?  I doubt very seriously you can have both.

It's sad, and I'm sorry!  I'm usually not a negative person, but I doubt it will ever work.

[vicki595]

Hey...I don't have any good advice. It's a no win situation. It's rare for an addict in recovery to continue to do well with a partner who is an active addict. It's impossible,or would be for me,I think.

This is sad and I feel for you. Your thinking is on track though!!

All the best--