Wow you all brought tears to my eyes. Actually tears POURING down my face. And it was a "good" cry for a change! I never thought joining an online forum like this would have such a huge impact on my life, how I feel. The one place I can just be ME.
Not sure where I stand now. Just kind of "fleeting" is the only word I can think of. Very depressed, morning is absolute worst. And I have been and still am on celexa 40 mg. The opiates obviously really hindered the ability of my anti-depressant to help me feel better.
Woke up nwith a sore neck and took a celebrex, but it didn't help much. Wonder why they can't make a pain killer that is narcotic free and actually works? Or maybe my body just wants what it wants, so its not going to respond to plain old NSAIDS.
My appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday didn't go as well as I had hoped. I really like my dr, but I actually felt worse when I left. I asked him if I could take more clonnopin (knowing full well I couldn't), and I'm not going to lie-I was thinking maybe if he prescribed me some xanax, that would help with my coming off percocet. (Addict thinking-I see that now.) He said absolutely no more meds than I'm already prescribed. Then he said "I hope you aren't self medicating?" That surprised me. IDK if he can tell I was-I do know last time I went in was about 3 weeks ago and I had started my monthly about an hour before my appointment, and I had awful cramps. Doubled over. So ofcourse I take a percocet, wait, and felt zero relief. So I pop another one. Still nothing. Go to my appt., well 20 mins or so in I FELT it alright. And I was like "oh crap!" Found myself talking very fast, unable to find simple words I wanted to use (embarassing!!) Just a dummy...ofcourse I thought he had no idea whatsoever! lol. But now I'm thinking maybe he DOES have an idea. IDK. Then we just got into the stages of death, what I need to be considering, my daughter can't be witnessing my dad dying all day long, etc., etc. Everything I absolutely do need to be thinking about, but I really didn't want to go over the specifics of DNR again, once was enough for me when hospice went through that with me. I felt like I just wanted to get out of there, and my mind just started to shut off. It was a very negative visit. Not that it was his fault, I just left feeling hopeless-about everything. We talked about my husband, my mom. He pointed out they were no help, etc etc. Its not like there wasn't truth to what he said. I just left feeling worse, and that could be entirely my own fault and the fact that I have other issues, my addiction, that he doesn't know I am fighting. And I def didn't feel like I could tell him yesterday.
As far as the husband-he has to be in my peripheal (sp?) vision right now. I can't be having blow ups with him, on top of what I have on my plate. We did have a blow up 2 nights ago, I didn't walk away when I usually would have. It came on when we discusssing bringing my father here, and he was suggesting hiring a private nurse for him so he can stay in his own home, and I say great idea, but "hello" we aren't made of money, I'm not sure if we could afford, etc. And he took my questioning wrong and we started yelling, and he says, "How in the he** are you going to take care of your dad when you can't even take care of yourself!" That STUNG. A LOT. I ran and had my boo hoo in the bathroom, got myself together and gave my daughter a bath. We have barely spoken since. I was so disgusted by his cruel remark, but you know what-maybe there's a partial truth to it. I'm a struggling addict. Maybe he knows more than I think. Either way, whatever happens, I will be there for my Dad. Period. He will see. I may not do the best at times, in fact I KNOW I won't. All I can do is offer wht I have to give.
Thanks for so much encouragement. I really look forward to logging into this board every day. I'd feel so much more alone if I didn't have this wonderful place. xo
Just checking in and hoping you are okay. I know you can't tell your husband right now so do what you have to do. You do need some support and hopefully your psychiatrist will help.
Maybe going to your dad's will be the answer as sad as it will be. Being away from your husband may be a good thing.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We really care.
Hugs
Pat
hi sweetie, I am so sorry about your dad. I lost my dad 5 years ago and I miss him each day. I spent as much time as I could with him. he had a massive stroke, had a brain bled and only survived for 5 more days.
please don't numb yourself with pills at this time, you will want to remember as many memories as you can.
I am the wife of a recovering addict and the mother of 2 recovering addicts.
we know when "something isn't right", you cant hide your addiction as well as you think. I totally supported their recovery and still do.
your secrets will only keep you sick. you need support from your family.
you wont feel so alone once someone besides us knows.
please try to relax, take some deep breathes, push yourself to get some things done. you will be glad you did.
sending prayers and encouragement,
debbie
I agree with Weaver, you may really benefit from telling someone about your addiction at this point. You have such a heavy burden right now, it could really help to ease a little bit of your stress. You may be surprised at the reaction(s) you get. I held off for quite awhile in telling my loved ones and when I finally did it was such a relief. I came clean to my husband first. I think he knew (well I know he knew I was taking pills because I've had back problems and neck surgery a few months ago). But I know he had no idea how much I was taking, how long I had been using and that I was addicted. I think he knew in his heart that something had been off - I just don't think he really wanted to admit it even to himself. Soon after I told my daughters (19 and 22), as well, and eventually my mom and my sisters. I found some information on addiction and withdrawal, etc., and printed it out for my husband and daughters to read. I know it made a difference and helped them to understand more what I am going through and explained some of my behavior (sickness when I was going through w/d, moodiness, etc). I know it is scary to think of telling anyone. Hopefully you will get support and this will help to lift some of the awful burden you are carrying right now. Don't feel ashamed - you are such a good person and taking on more than any human being should; you need some relief.
Your Dad is so lucky to have you, as are you to have him in your life. It is all the more motivation to keep yourself clean and able to appreciate every moment you have with him. The physical w/d symptoms WILL get better and thus all of this will be a little easier on you in that respect. I lost my Dad 4 years ago to cancer. My heart hurts for you because I know exactly what you are going through right now (as I sit here struggling to see my screen through tears). You don't want to have any regrets. Give yourself a break - ease as much of your burden with your husband, sister, and family however you can for now; if it means coming clean to them or not; whatever you need to do so you can focus on getting your Dad situated and caring for your daughter. My thoughts and prayers are with you . . .
Oh wow...that is so much! First off many people (myself included) have relapsed over a fleeting craving, not everything you have going on. I am so sorry to hear about your dad..its one of the hardest things for a child to go through.
So many of the emotions you are feeling are a part of early detox and PAWS AND are normal emotions to feel when you have a sick parent and are being overworked at home. Having an unsuppotive spouse just complies the issue.
I think you need to get into a dr that specializes in addiction. You sound very vunerable to a relapse bigger than one pill and I know that isnt what you want. Sometimes I feel like its having a split brain/personality. There is the real you that wants a happy, peaceful sober life. The real you that made the decision to get clean and reach out fo help on this forum. Then there is the addicted brain that whispers "its too much, you can handle it" those thoughts are coming from a sick place.
So much of our addictions come from a place of feeling low worth or value. I dont know your dad, but we know what it is like to be parents, and I promise you the same way you looked at your daughter the day she was born and felt how special and beautiful and worthy of everything good in this world, its how he looked at you. And you, your daughter, me and everyone else here..what had we done so special at one minute old? Nothing. We were born and that is all it takes. What we do with our lives never effects our value in this world. No amount of pills or fights with family or whatever makes you any less worthy of love, support and peace.
The cliche saying is "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger". But there is much truth in it. Pain is where we grow. Contentment doesnt motivate change and growth. Its when things are so ****** and we make it through that we learn about ourselves.
You will never quit with a bottle of pills in your drawer. That is the truth and you know it. You also cant continue to do this alone. Find a counselor, a meeting, a friend, stay here on the forum. There is a tried and true recepie for success..I know bc I have tried every other way! Sending you a hug and the hope that tomorrow is better.
Wow, you have a lot to deal with alone, I'm sorry you are going through all this. I think telling some or perhaps all of your family, if possible, is a good idea. I tried so many times to do it on my own. I was terrified to tell my wife, I thought, what if she leaves me, what if she never forgives me, what if it changes things? Then I turned it around, what if I don't ever quit, what if I die, what if I lose my mind from taking these pills too long? Most addicts are strong and loving people, so strong and loving in fact, they take on the world and end up escaping with drugs. My kids are 9 and 10, I was totally honest with them, my wife, friends, my co-workers, everyone. A huge burden was lifted instantly and I was surprised how much support I had in detox. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but I was very close to death. I had nothing to lose but my loneliness. A lot of people said, "OOOHHHH, now it all makes sense, I knew something was up with you." I was surprised at the support, I had been too ashamed to be honest. That was what needed to give for me.
I wish I knew what to say about your dad. I can say that you are lucky to have a parent so worthy of your love, I'm always envious of people with nice families. My grandmother was the only positive influence in my childhood and she died when I was 20, she raised me a lot of the time, if anyone was taking care of me. I was globe trotting and got back from Belize and she was gone, I had bought an Andean flute and learned a song to play for her. You're lucky to be getting clean and can be there with him, I have tears in my eyes as I write. Cherish this time, this is your chance. What better motivation is there to be the best you right now. Let him know he has a loving daughter, mother, sister, and friend. Make him proud, that is what every good man dreams of.