Some explaination for my unorthodox actions

[CadillacJack]

I know some of you think me insane for having pills around. They'll come next month also, so I'm faced with that to a degree. I grew up, as many, in a hard environment. I've been in more bar & street fights than I could ever recall. I was a fair hand, I guess, if you don't count detached retinas, and a few broken bones (nose, 12 times). I went to Viet Nam, as others on this forum probably did, infantry. I learned quickly to survive, you have to maybe not hate, but you have to learn to like it, to think in survival mode. I'm not proud of that, it was one of those parts of life that you just deal with. I guess my point is, I've always taken the fight to the dog. Something inside me makes me have to be harder than the next guy, and certainly a pill. And I really don't want one. I do understand what some say about cravings later on. I got rid of a big bunch when I started this, I don't know if that was necessary or not, but probably, since there was a definite problem with me using. Anyway, its something I want to mentally keep at bay, and this is my way of doing so. If I start to feel weak, I'll flush. Most of us come in contact with them in daily life, at some point. I just want to get myself in a mental state of not wanting one. It's a ramble, but an explanation, to some degree, I hope.

[kim715]

I totally understand what you are saying.Your mindset is exactly where I want mine to be someday,I don't want to have to look over my shoulder the rest of my life either.I think my biggest hurdle is that I didn't stop at the pills,I went on the methodone to avoid the w/d from the pills and that just opened a whole new can of worms.Detoxing off the methodone beat me down more then I've ever been beat down before in my life.I've only got 2 months clean from it and although life is good now,the pain of that detox is still to fresh in my mind.I hate them too and have no desire to ever let them control my life again,but I still have to work on my confidence in myself.I guess I'm still nursing my wounds to some extent,but I'll get there.Peace.

[CadillacJack]

I do keep a loaded gun on the night stand, and many more in other places around the house. We've probably all thought of suicide at times. But I won't do that, as I will no longer use dope.

[CadillacJack]

I won't do this forever. I'll see my Dr. next in July. At that time, I'll stop the script & I will no doubt get rid of these pills soon. Probably when the next bottle arrives. I'd rather go to the dirt with them now, than feel like I have to keep looking over my shoulder later. I guess it's just a silly thing to do, but the fact is, I don't have any desire to take them. I feel totally opposite of that. It's like taking a beating from a couple of guys. I'm gonna go back, and even it up. I took a beating from these pills, and I want to feel in charge of the situation, if only for a while. I flushed 300 of them when I quit, and that was probably the best thing at that time. Now it's my turn; There here, but have no power over me. But, I really know better than to keep them indefinitely. I want to be able to tell myself that when I do come in contact with them some time in the future, that I have the will to be indifferent about them, as I have a hatred for them now.

cj

[kim715]

I agree that if that works for you then thats what you do.I have never backed down from a fight in my life,I'm usually the one throwing the first punch,not much patience for verbal arguments although I have mellowed.I can remember years ago when I was married to my first husband and long before I was abusing anything beating the s*** out of the neighbor for saying something smart to my son.Once she ran in the house I came in poured a cup of coffee and my husband looked at me and said 'it's a good thing you don't drink',I guess he was trying to tell me I was out of control.I can't seem to get up the courage to face off against those pills though,they scare the heck out of me.I guess they kicked my butt one to many times and I'm a little older now and finally realized it takes alot longer to heal once you've been beat down one to many times.I'm working on my comeback though since I know that there will most likely come a day that I will have to face them but when and if that day ever comes I know that I do have it in me to show those pills whos the boss.I have to just keep working on my recovery and my confidence until then.What you're doing is working for you and thats what counts,I look forward to one day having that strength as well.Keep doing what you're doing,you know what works for you.Peace.

[addictedme]

Not to be blunt but considering the road that so many addicts have gone down(me for one) and they all started with a rock,a shot,a snort or a pill,, keeping the pills is like a person with suicidal thoughts keeping a loaded gun on the nightstand but what works for you is right for you,,gl

[Flutterby111]

I can understand that!  We all have our own ways of handling it.  I've been there before where I've wanted to be face to face looking the little devil right in the eye, knowing I was winning.  And I've won....that, however, was not with pills.  I've also been in a diferent state of mind where it was a sense of security to know they were there.  I COULDN'T get rid of them, because then I would panic.  That wasn't a good thing for me.  BUT, I think either way, as long as you're not taking them, it's entirely up to YOU how to handle it.  You have certainly been through many trials and tribulations....you're a big boy.  Do what you gotta do, my friend.
Peace
♥flutter

[worried878]

CJ...I by no means or in any way mean to say you are weak...i know ur a strong dude...u would have to be...i have never been in vietnam or anything so courageous as u...but i am one brave chick...really...no kidding....when people describe me the first thing they say is "strong"    the pills are so different and to define it is hard...nothing ever did me in...nothing has ever controlled me in my entire life...i am about as headstrong as they come...a friend in wds is really wanting a pill....i never did at that time..makes me wonder if he will make it...I was so sick of those puppies i would not have taken one if u woulda handed it to me....it was a while later that i decided to play...just be safe

[Crispy]

I wish you all the luck dude but tough or not you should avoid "People, places, things, and situations". If you tihnk this will help you its your journey bro but I myself wouldnt tempt the notion. Easy access = easy relapse.

[Calzy]

Being that you were infantry you learned to look the enemy in the eye, but those pills will be your worst enemy the rest of your life. I understand where you are coming from but at some point in your recovery the thought will come that these pills are no longer a threat to you as all the physical pains leave you and your only dealing with the mental stuff. Thats when you think your body is healed up and taking one wont be so bad. Having them that close could weaken your resolve. I would at least try to cancel the refills even if you have to drive there.Your in Oklahoma so you probable have to drive to the Dallas VA. I just got back from the Dallas VA tonight and i could of canceled them for you...lol.  Its a nice drive and you could close a chapter in your life by cutting off your supply. I wish i had the strength you have in dealing with these little boogers having them around. Keep up the good work.
calzy