"Surrender"

[Sarah11212]

What a great topic at last nights NA meeting...
I have had to surrender once again as I let the addict sneak up and get me over 6 months into my sobriety.
6 mos, who does this?  I suppose lots of ppl.  We think we can handle it and tell ourselves that a couple weeks of taking pills as prescribed for a legitimate medical reason and we'll be fine.
Not so, doesn't happen and don't ever think this way.
I think it was easy for me to slip back into the cycle because I had such a hard time being clean and never did get to a point of feeling half way normal.  Many of the longtime members will remember my struggles w/ being clean.
So, here I am, again...  
I need everyone's support, kind words and love, more than ever right now.
I failed myself, my daughter and my family and cannot do it again.
This place was such a huge part of my recovery early this year and I walked away from it, walked away from meetings and walked away from counseling and fell.
Today I should have 9 1/2 mos clean but I now have only 14 days.
Up and onward is where I'm going...

[dominosarah]

I would call them again......Be persistant.

[Sarah11212]

Thank you everyone!

Still haven't heard from the treatment center.  
Upsets me that no one can ever get back to u.

Head up and feet forward!

[Free2agoodhome]

Welcome...

You are learning what it takes for long term recovery.
You made it back.....

a lot do not   ;-(

Much support

Free~

[HappyDays2Come]

What a courageous person you are, and one to be admired by all. I'm sure it took a lot of guts to post on here and be raw and honest. I admire that so much because it would have been so much easier to just disappear. Your relapse will make your realize how badly you want sobriety and you are going to make it. Good job on your 14 days...that is nothing to laugh at...keep looking ahead and taking steps forward:).

[selfinduced]

Just said a prayer for you. Your honesty is very humbling and so appreciated, I am so sorry you are going thru this, but a bigger picture awaits you. Here to help.

[dominosarah]

Please keep us posted on what is going on.  I hope you get into the treatment center soon.

[Sarah11212]

I will find out later today or early tomorrow when I will be able to start treatment,
I'm hoping it's within the next week.
I will be away from the forum during that time...

[Sonrissa]

Sarah, you can never lose as long as you don't give up! I remember reading your posts when I first came here! You, along with others, inspired me! I'm so happy you have found your way back! You will always have encouragement and support! I wish you all the very best! Please keep posting your journey! Stay positive and focussed!

[clean_in_ks]

So glad to hear that you have sought out the 21 day inpatient program.

I, for one, am glad you are reviewing what happened last time and what you can do different this time.  Our mistakes have a MAJOR purpose....
to TEACH us so we don't just repeat them again.

You are being so pro-active.....and you WANT to succeed this time by learning from your past attempt(s).
I commend you for this.......you are willing and open to NEW ways of recovery.

When do you start the 21 day inpatient program?  Just asking so if you aren't posting on here for 3 wks or so, I'll know just to be lifting you up
each and every day until hearing back from you.  

Maybe I'll have to start writing down people's stiuations and their sign on names.....cause I deeply care about so many of you......and my previously opiate drenched brain can't keep everybody straight?  Imagine that?

Blessing to you Sarah

[weaver71]

Thanks for the reminder.  I have been sick of listening to all the stories at my meetings, been thinking of slacking off. I live in a small town, and have heard all the stories, at least once. It's so important to keep living the new life, or the old life sneaks back in. I know that, but I forget. If nothing else, you have inspired another to avoid that mistake. No matter how lame my meetings may feel, it's 1,000,000 times better than daily life in active addiction. You helped me remember to always get opinions of my support, before I decide to do anything that may get me in trouble. Glad you jumped back on the wagon, the more the marrier.

[Norco1947]

Hi Sarah ,
We walk a long road thru this life . When we humans fall down we get back up . You got back up 14 days ago . Lesson learned ( the hard way) .
Go to your N/A meetings & the 21 days of IP care . Thats fighting for yourself again . You will be at 6 months again , This time ready to hit 1 year+++  ... Ron

[gnarly_1]

HI Sarah it too a lot for you to post I know I had to 5 1/2 mo ago....as IBK says just so you learn from it witch I did and im back to meetings everyday
even though benzos where prescribed to me and not my DOC I still abused them....I also gave up on aftercare thought I could do it alone....WRONG it takes help to truly live in recovery just know where here for you and we will help all we can good luck and God bless......Gnarly

[Sarah11212]

Thank you everyone!

I don't have a choice at this point but to put my head in drive and go forward.

I know I need more than just meetings so I have agreed to go to inpatient for 21 days.  I cannot do this on my own and something has to be different this time.
I have a huge support group but none that understands the disease of addiction except one close friend so this is a struggle to get ppl to understand why I've done the things I've done.

I am trying not to be hard on myself but ya know...
I had over 6 mos clean and blew it and it makes me sick.

It feels good to be back here though...

[SunnysideUP27]

Hi Sara, sorry to hear that you did slip but it is all part of the game. I am 5months today after a 7 year habit on vicodin. I did have 5 1/2 months clean about a year ago or so but I did the same exact thing. I got to a point where I was ok but needed more. I wanted a super hero feeling (weird typing this I am day dreaming, blahhhhhh ok im back lol), but ya I did a 3-4 week binge not everyday but enough. I was hooked for a month and realzed it will never work that way again. I learned the hard way but I am back on track and never looking back. Good luck and stay strong!

[ImGettingClean]

HI and welcome back. Dont be too hard on yourself - I feel like I should change my screename to MrRelapse. But, the key here is that although you fell, you picked yourself back up.

14 Days is Huge! Be very proud of yourself and by going to NA meetings, you are definitely on the right path.

I too have started NA meetings and we did talk about surrender a lot as well - regarding "feeling normal"...my first day at NA 11 days ago, i asked someone that had been clean for 15 years, when did you start feeling 'normal'...he looked at me, laughed and said, "you let me know when u have an answer to that cause I dont"...

What I'm learning, as simple as it is, is to accept life on life's terms and one moment you could be happy, the other sad, the other angry...one day energized, one day tired, etc etc... but it's a part of life. Thats normal.

You've made it to 6 months before, u r at 2 weeks already, dont beat yourself up, keep your head up and work your way through this

=)

Nick

[Teresa1717]

Great post clean_in_ks! I Couldnt agree more!!

Oh and "I don't feel particularly energized or "half way normal" as you said above.  But I also think that "normal" is "just a setting on my dryer LOL" Made me laugh out loud! haha Nice :)

[Teresa1717]

The most important this is that you have come back Sarah! It doesnt matter what made you stray away or what made you come back. Whats most important is that you are here!

You are doing the right thing, and I for one am happy you made the choice to be here today!

Pulling big time for you!

[clean_in_ks]

Hey Sarah~
I'm so glad you are back!!  And people like me need to hear exactly what you have shared.  I would really like to stay clean w/o relapsing.....
I am earnestly trying to learn all I can from those that have been at this longer than I have.

My extended family has more recovering AA'ers in it than not....
and yet I am the first opiate addict.  I cling to ALL of you to teach me.

I was over 60 days clean when I found MedHelp.  I made a lot of mistakes medically speaking and more than likely could have eased the w/drawal process had I been more equipped.  But.....it isn't so much HOW I got here as the fact that I am here NOW.  At 124 days clean, I don't feel particularly energized or "half way normal" as you said above.  But I also think that "normal" is "just a setting on my dryer" LOL

When I read what has happened with you....the biggie that jumped out at me was "walking away from" your entire support system.  I KNOW I'm not that strong.  If I used pain pills (even for legit pain) for over 4 yrs, then I figure I need onging support for at least that same amount of time (and probably for the rest of my days).  My brain will have to "unlearn" and "relearn" and it seems only reasonable that it will take at least 4 yrs to counter that imbalance. I know I must learn to live life all over again with totally new thinking in every area of my life.

I am SO glad you are "on the road again".  You seem to be very aware of the pitfalls and I hear a true determination to do it a different way today.
You are learning from your mistakes and are willing to share them with us so that maybe, just maybe, we won't make the same mistakes.

You are blessing me......all of us~~
Thank you for that and I'm rootin for you.....Happy 14 days Sarah!!!

[Life360_Dave]

The positive part is that you have experience and with experience comes strength and understanding. As ibkleen says, 14 days is a big deal. I read the other day that people that take meds as prescribed have 100% non abuse rate. This leads me to believe that us that abuse have a need. The need could be, a relationship with our creator, unfullfilled lifes goals, to utilize of creative side, or to give back to the earth what we have taken. Find the missing need in your life and all we be ok. I took up writing verse lyrics and now have an agent in nashville promoting for me, also i Patented a very simple product and opened up a whole new industry for financial gain. I say this not to brag but to give you some real life examples which have helped my greatly with my addiction. Keep posting.

[IBKleen]

Welcome back!

Please don't say "only" 14 day. 14 days is fantastic!! While relapse is not a requirement and I don't recommend it, as long as you have learned from it than all is not lost. Keep doing what you are doing and go forward. Never forget where you came from. And whatever you do, don't use!!