TRYING TO QUIT LORTABS AGAIN AFTER ALMOST 3 YEARS...HELP ME

[Johnnie77]

Well, I don't know where to begin, except that although I've been off twice of these things (the longest for 2 months), I've been back on for about a year and it's getting to the point where I feel completely hopeless. When I finished getting my prescriptions from my doc about a year ago, I asked around and became friends with someone who was taking lortabs and knew people who could supply me with as many as I wanted. At that point I was feeling "WOW," like I won the lottery, especially that back then, I had the extra money and could afford them. I immediately asked to buy 50 10/500 for $3 each, but he said he can get me 120. I bought them and I don't have to say what that led to for those of you who understand. He also hooked me up with a pen happy doc that, to this die, prescribes me 150 pills a month, which I'm able to cope with, although I seem to run out about a week before my next refill and I start to panic and get depressed. Before I go on, I want to add that this guy was taking up to 40 pills a day and was paying the same as I was for them and as we got to know each other better, I suggested that we try to help each other quit. A few days later, he overdosed and died. When I got the news, I started seeing the reality of what these pills can do to you, but I'm still taking them. I'm sticking to my prescription amount, which is a great deal less than what I used to take, but I need to quit. It is effecting my family and work life and I no longer chase the high...I just want to get through a normal day without them. I have an 8 year old son and my new daughter is only 6 months old and they both deserve a better father than what I have to offer today. I'm going to try to quit cold turkey again tomorrow, and I know what to expect and that's what frightens me. I don't know if I can go through with it it again, but I HAVE TO. Otherwise, I know that these things will be the end of me. I look at my innocent baby daughter's eyes and I start crying, thinking how she doesn't deserve a father like me. I feel like I have failed her. To top it all off, everyone knew that I was on them, but I persuaded them that I quit. No one knows that I am still on them. I keep my scripts hidden in my car. I went to herbal stores and have asked for help and nothing seems to substitute the feeling that the lortabs give you. Again, I am no longer high off of them, I'm just able to go through the day. But once I start realize how close I am to running out, I start to panic. What am I supposed to do and what should I expect. I want to stay strong and return to the person I once was. Yes, I used to get depressed and anxious, but that was just a normal part of life that the pills took away and eventually became a habit. I know many of you have similar stories and others have successful ones. Please, if anyone can suggest a way to get off them without going through the hell that comes with it, let me know. I no longer have insurance, and financially I am strapped, so rehab is out of the question. I pay the doc $100 for a script with 3 refills with each one costing about $40 at Costco. That's how I've been able to keep the habit going. This has got to stop once and for all. If anyone out there knows of an herbal remedy or supplement, please help. I also have about 30 xanax that I heard can help with the withdrawals.  Is it true?  I'm not addicted to those since I'm not too crazy about the effect they give me, but if I can use them to help with withdrawals, please suggest something to me. I'd really appreciate it. You'll not only be saving me, but my innocent family who has to deal with a LOSER like me. That's what I've been feeling like for the past few months.

[Johnnie77]

Thanks for the comment.  I can only imagine what it is to go through the methadone addiction.  I heard that it is much tougher than lortabs so I applaud you and the above comment is really having an effect on me.  The thing is, although it's not the right time to discuss, is that these doctors who are prescribing these pills fail to explain the consequences. Besides the casual puff of weed when I was younger (which I never really cared much for anyway), I never thought about drugs.  I was scared of them for the same predicament that I am in today.  I remember the first day the doc prescribed them to me for a torn maniscus in the knee and I asked him that I heard that they were addicting and if I should worry and his exact words were "they're more habitual (what's the difference), I wouldn't worry too much about that.  I guess people are just stupid."  That was his exact words before prescribing 120 tabs for a month.  The funny part is, the pain was not that bad and I didn't make it out to be too bad as if I needed them.  Motrin would have probably been just fine.  Oh well, spilled milk, I guess.  Anyway, just thought I'd pass that bit of info your way.  Thanks again and stay in touch.

[pillfree21]

Your family needs you man, so please focus on that.  I have 4 children and the guilt from my pill addiction still haunts me, but I realize that all I can do is move forward and they are going to love me regardless.  I missed out on a lot of days in the past, but life affords us the opportunity to meet a new one every day.  Maybe you should consider some type of counseling or support to address the deep rooted emotional issues, they may be causing more of this than you think.

Either way, the challenge is to bring your actions in line with your desires.  I am not preaching because actually I am talking to myself as well.  I am on Day 22 of a one helluva fight from methadone detox which came about because of a pill addiction.  

Whether it is 3 years or 3 weeks, everyone has experienced relaspes and it demands that we get back on the horse and start the rough ride over again.  I wish you the best with your recovery.

[jessiekauai]

You can do this! Even though you suffer through it. I'm suffering now on Day 2, but I am just looking at how much better my life is going to be soon. My kids are worth, and so is your family...but you are also worth it.

[Johnnie77]

The main issue that worries me is the emotional part.  I can go through the physical part, somewhat.  I have four pills and am trying to ween off them, but I may as well not take any because that small dosage doesn't really do much. This morning, I really had no desire to get out of bed, at all, whatsoever! Everything was a chore.  My wife was taking care of both kids like getting my son ready for camp, feeding our baby girl, and I feel so guilty throwing it all on her. Sometimes I wonder why she still tolerates me and I wouldn't be surprised if one day she says she'd had enough.  Who could blame her?  But I can't let her know what's going on, as it will break her heart.  I went to work and the eight hours seemed like eternity.  I got home about 6PM and I had no desire to do anything else. Not to eat the great dinner my wife prepared, play WII with my son since he was looking forward to it all day and I hold myself hard from crying.  But after 10 years, my wife knows something is seriously wrong and I don't know what else to do. I have a refill coming on the 20th and I still haven't decided whether or not to take it, but at this point, I wish I had them. I can go into a clinic and bull them about some backpain and score a script, but I'm not gonna go that far (I used to).  At times, I wish I was dead and I think the only thing that's keeping me going is my family.  They need me.  I wish this could end.

[pillfree21]

Dav125 said it best,everyone can relate to this story.  The thing is that you are the author and can write the ending however you like.  But right now, you have passed the ink pen over to the pills and they are writing a horror novel for you.  As much as it will hurt, you must take the pen back and start writing.

You asked if anyone could suggest a way out without going through the hell that comes along with....unfortunately, that person or information does not exist because if they did, I would have found them by name and followed them like a disciple of Christ(smile).  I guess I am saying that there is a way out, but it does require going through hell....which in turn will make us not want to go back again.

Some suggest tapering, but I could never muster the will power, others go the maintenance route (methadone/suboxone) which in the end winds up being a harder kick thatn the pills...but everyone has their own path, I just am learning that whatever path it will begin with a very rationale, quiet, and deep belief that you have what it takes to get there.  I did not believe it fully when I started to get off everything, but I just bought into the fact that there are others here that did it, so I knew that I could.  As each day passes, I believe a little more until the day comes that I am living proof.

I wish you the best with your recovery.

[Dav125]

Your letter above could represent 1000 letters in here. I 'll tell you where your at..Your at the place I was a week ago...Then something kicked in when laurel sent me a note about "how I was doing". It was like an avalanche of stuff started to flow out that had been covered or snuffed out by the pills for too long. I decided to make change..And so I did.

I'm on day 5 getting away from the oxy 40's and perc's. Decide to get on the train and start counting days. My Dr was even going to write another script last Friday and I told him no., not this time. Because thats the only way we are going to get any part of our live's back....

[shiningstar500]

I have been taking hydrodone for 6 years and know what you are going through. I would get so nervous and upset when I was running out of pills each month before my next prescrption. I have a 9 month old and I need to be there for her all the time, not just when I have pills so I what I did was taper off for a week and yesterday was my first day without any. I felt ok, had some withdrawls but nothing compared to if I had gone cold turkey at least for me. I am feeling better today, although I am having trouble sleeping but I can live with that. You have to want to do it or it won't work! It is very stressful and I hope that you can go without and live a good life! I am not familiar with xanax so I don't know if it would help you but I have heard of people supplementing another med to withdrawl from another one! Good luck!