Do I or Dont I ???

[lostsoul30]

Hello, im new to this forum and decided to introduce myself and explain a lil about me. Im gonna be 30 next month i have a wonder fiance and 2 great children. I have been addicted since 2002. I first became addicted to cocaine then crack now pain medication. I have chronic pain so i get a months supply of methadone but usually seem to run out 2 weeks into the month then i get so depressed and try to kill myself by taking other drugs in large quanities. I shoot up when i can but usually just stick to the methadone. This month has been so hard for me and i just dont know if i can take another day of this sh**. Im also BiPolar so that dont help with my mental status at all. I always say im done with this but when it comes time to get my next script im at the doctors with bells on my feet waiting for it. I have noooooo ambition to do anything whatso ever nothing is getting done in my house. Esp not now since withdrawl has kicked in. Please someone talk to me.....

lostsoul30

[Onandonandon]

How are you now? If you don't mind me asking. You posted this 6 years ago. Where are you at in life? With this? Hopefully in a better place. Best of luck to you.

[steve473]

Was reading this forum because im on methadone and abilify myself and saw your post... It will never work the way you are doing it lostsoul30.. I understand you are taking methadone for pain but you would get tons more benefit from joining a program and dosing every day at local clinic where you can be monitored and attend groups / speak to your individual councilor on a daily basis... Im in a VA methadone/suboxone program because I used to abuse opiates like you, use a ton and run out and withdrawals EVERY SINGLE MONTH!!! I lived that hell and this program was the best. We dont have the self control needed to face this... These drugs are horribly addictive and need to earn take home meds. Like I been clean for 9 months so I earned 2 days I bring my medication home you know?  It builds a sort of responsibility to the recovering addict to keep clean. Also my friends in my program who have pain just use morphine or methadone pill like you use now for pain. Get on liquid for addiction and then you work with the program and pain management doctor for your pain. Both doctors work with eachother to help you.. My friends here are on both and dont abuse or withdrawal ever...

[lostsoul30]

been crying...............

[DayToTry]

Its ok to cry.  Go ahead and cry.

[lostsoul30]

well............ the day is getting harder! I dont know how much longer i can go thru this! Wish i could sleep til monday and this was all over with!! Its the simple things in life that disapper while using that you later regret not having. This demon on my back has took so much from me it took ME away! Wasted years!!!!!!!!!!!!! The devil in my head wont let me go, how do i ease this? I wish crying would purify my body cause id  be purified by now, alli  do is cry.  I have stomach cramps ect . ughhhhh!

[lostsoul30]

Hi all,

Thanks for your time and caring support, I am on meds for BiPolar I take 120 mgs of prozac and 10 mgs of abilify buspiron that i dont take cause it dont just plain work for anxiety. I do go thru withdrawls when i dont have the methadone and when i do i get suicidal and dont see another day in my shoes. I know i cannot do without them at this point, but i would like s ome help inlearning to control myself better. I am a chronic pain patient thats why i say i cant do without the pain meds.Atleast in my head i cant.

[tramsbite]

I am bi-polar (rapid-cyclying) I have numerous health issues as well. I know how hard it is to live with bipolar espically unmedicated. I am kicking a tramadol addiction. I have a wonderful husband of 18yrs three girls and a flithy house. I don't care. You know why? I know I need to take care of me first. If I don't what use will I be to anyone else? Think about that next time you want to use.

[Lindsay_T]

Trust me, killing yourself is not an option. There is no problem on this Earth that you can't handle. You just need to separate them out and tackle them one at a time.
You are precious and wonderful. You have unique capabilities and a unique smile that warms  those who know and love you.
Today things are overwhelming, but if you get some help with problem-solving, there will be a day (VERY SOON) when you see things more clearly.
You need to break down your problems. Don't try to solve them all at once.
For example, with your drug use. Fix that first. Don't worry about housework. Drug abuse is your biggest problem. So go after it with all of your strength. You do have it in you!
Hugs, Lindsay

[scaredoutofmymind333]

If your months worth of methadone is only lasting 2 weeks, then aren't you going through withdrawals for 2 weeks every month? At least on the weeks or days when you don't "shoot up"? For me withdrawal from methadone was bad and I can't imagine going through it each month for 2 weeks. Once was enough to make me never want to put that stuff in my body ever again! When and if you decide you are done putting yourself through this every month, you will find some great advice and support on this site, these people are lifesavers. Getting clean is not just physical though...it is alot mental and you have to really want it or you will defeat yourself before you even get started. So how bad do you want to be "clean"?

[Punkinhead75]

Hi and glad you're here.   Be careful normal for us is high and f'd up.  Seriously though,  not knowing another way is something that keeps a lot folks using.  There are lots of folks who are now clean that were once in your position and they are willing to show you how they got better.  Are you willing to go and listen to them?  Willingness to do what needs to be done to get cleaned up is the key to getting better.  Do you take meds for the bi-polar?  

[lostsoul30]

ALMOST 9 YEARS SORRY ...TYPO ....... THIS IS ALL I KNOW . HOW DO I LIVE LIFE WITHOUT DRUGS? AND FEEL NORMAL?

[lostsoul30]

TO BE HONEST ,
            THIS IS ALL I HAVE KNOWN FOR THE LAST ALMOST 6 YRS, I DONT KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS YET . ITS A PAINFUL ROAD NO MATTER HOW WE LOOK AT IT. PART OF ME DONT WANT TO DO IT BECAUSE I DO NOTTTT WANT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH WITHDRAWLS. THAT TO ME IS THE HARDEST PART OF IT ALL. BUT THIS MERRY GO ROUND STOPS SOMETIME , BUT WHEN IS THE QUESTION? THANKS FOR YOUR TIME AND SUPPORT.

LOSTSOUL30

[IBKleen]

Hi & Welcome,

Do you think you are done this time? If so, what are you willing to do to get off of this merry-go-round?

If you are really done there is a lot you can do. First, you need to cut off all your suppliers, doctors included. That will probably be the hardest one. Can you do that?

Keep talking..it's a great place for support.