Day 40

[catlover8]

I wanted to post to check in with everyone. Today is day 40 for me. I am an addict and my DOC is hydrocodone. I wasted all of my money, and now I am paying the price. It is a slow go paying back all the debt I have from buying these pills. Hopefully, I can get a summer job and double my income. I am glad though..... Glad that I am no longer obsessing how I will get money each month. Obsessing and counting how many pills I have. Scared to get pulled over because of what I was carrying. Scared that I will die from not breathing. Looking at these celebrities who are dying and thinking how easily that could be me. I am glad that I do not have to wake up in the morning and run to the closet to get my pills out of whichever shoe I was hiding them in. I am glad that when I say I am clean this time, I really am. I am laughing more. Don't get me wrong, I still think about them all the time. But, the one thing that has changed is that when I think of them, before I would only think about how they made my life so good. Now, I feel like I gave them too much credit. Maybe my sick little head just though they made my life good. I think now that they were bad. I got high about 5 minutes off of one pill toward the end. $5 for five minutes. Is that how I want to live? No. I still miss then like an idiot every day. I think of how I wish I could take one and forget things for a while, but forgetting things is how I got in this mess to begin with. Dealing with things is the way to go. Fix it and feel better. Don't ignore it. I am thankful when I look on here and see my peers, people I quit alongside that have not lasted, that I have. I feel for these people and I want them to get better, but I am glad that I have not relapsed this time. I don't think I will. I started seeing a councelor last week. I will give it another shot. I know I have a long way to go to get myself back, but wihtout this step, I would have been frozen. I would have never paid off my bills. I would have never tried to fix relationships I have ruined. Now, I am trying. I am imperfect and far from the person I used to be, but being sober has put me on the path to get back there. It will just take time. Thanks for listening. My hope is that one person reads this and it inspires them to quit. Honestly, it is hard, but it is the right thing to do, and it does get better. Slowly but surely, you start to remember who you were. You start getting your life back together. It is a long process, but we have to do it for ourselvses. Good luck!

[Addict63]

THANKS FOR YOUR GREAT SHARING! Your gratitude for being clean today has helped me as I do my daily gratitude list for my 22 days clean. Your experience strength and hopes give me strength and hope for staying clean today.

[gnarly_1]

hey girlee congrads on 40 days clean you have eared every one of them and it sounds
like a lot of them where the hard way....but your perseverance has paid off your making a new life for yourself one thats narcotic free...the more time you get in the better you will feel ...you will stilll have some up and down days but the ups outweigh the downs
hang in there your doing great just remember what a demon you broke free from
and the new life you have now...good luck and God bless....Gnarly

[catlover8]

Thanks for saying that. It does seem to just get better as time goes by. Some huge things have already changed for me. If I could not think of them obsessively, that would be great. I see a councelor for aftercare.

[Htownnofrown]

Congrats! We're all realy proud of you. Have you been getting aftercare at al? it realy helps me with the mental aspect of the disease and at 10.5 months i rarely think of the pills at all anymore. it realy ook about 2 or 3 months for that to happen, so be sure there is more good coming your way if you continue in your recovery. good luck!

[merrymaria]

congrats on day 40...i feel like i could have written your post myself....towards the end we really hit rock bottom.... when we are paying high dollars just to feel normal....doesn t make sense....pay to live...i m so glad that agony is over...keep up the good fight...thanks for sharing....very inspiring to others struggling...maria

[jlb191]

Hey Cat,

Wow, your post was just the thing i needed to hear right now.  I was along side you when you were detoxing and i remember encouraging you along the way.  I could feel your pain and i know you gave it all to be clean.  I relasped like an idiot.  I too would have been around 40 days.  Tomorrow is my big day again.  I know I can do this!  I am really very happy for you.  Thank you so much for posting and being true!  Keep up the good work.  

[Radiostar55]

Cat Congrads on day 40  Big Milestone  so  will be 50 and then 60..I'm 63 days clean of Oxycodone and I really am feeling Normal again..Sure I still have cravings everynow and then, but when those mental demons start to lye to me, I think about that first week without them.  I Never want to go back to that..I too think of all the money I spent every 3 weeks for my fix.  And for what?  Can't wait until you post Day 60, you are a BIG inspiration to people just starting to quit..IT Can Be Done!!  Keep Going, and Keep helping others!

G

[sweatinit]

Hi Cat,

Man have you come a long way! congrats to you on 40 days. You have seemed to push through every obstacle from the beginning. I hope things are getting better for you everyday!

Great post!

Kathy

[soldier1683]

Congratulations on your 40th day!  I so wish I was you right now.  Today is day 1 for me so you have really inspired me.  I am just like you with the hydrocodone being my favorite drug.  Why did they ever invent this horrible drug?  I did (do) all the things you have described except here lately I don't even care if I get pulled over so that really makes me think.  I have never been in trouble with the law but you really made me stop and think how stupid my actions have been.  Thank you for sharing your recovery it really inspires me!  I go to my doctor today and I see a counselor on Thursday so here I go.  Wish me luck!