I am not ok at all.

[Kera109]

I am a mess. I just feel no hope at all.

I went to my Suboxone doctor last night. He is the one doctor there that is compassionate and really got into this practice because he cared. The rest of the docs there are money consumed and spend 2 minutes with u. This Dr spent an hour with myself and my husband.

I cried, told him I've spent 3 years on Suboxone and in these 3 years I've made no changes and I've gotten so much worse in my overall life. I have Always been a tall and slim girl, I am 6'1" and have always been thin/ in shape. He went over that since I've started there 3 years ago I have gained FIFTY POUNDS. Almost 60!!! My blood pressure was 174/124 and he told me its scary high. It's always high at doctors because of my horrible panic attacks.

Anyway, he told me that I need to focus on other things right now before trying to conquer getting off of Suboxone. My Pepsi addiction that's made me gain so much weight as I pour countless calories into me everyday. My depression, my life consuming anxiety, my agorophobia. He was so nice, he told me to come back Wednesday because he is concerned about me and wants to see me again.

He also said that Suboxone works if you make the changes. Meetings, a sponsor, working a program. Not just taking it everyday and existing like I have. He had so many things to say that we were helpful.
And here I sit completely out of hope. I feel like I'm too far gone. 4 Percocet a day and I got on Suboxone. How stupid was that? I'm a mess. I've gained so much weight I can't even look at myself. I was successful before. Happy. I was the funny one, the hardworking one. The positive, clean one. I don't even know her anymore. I truly for the first time in my life don't have any hope.

My kids are amazing. My 14 year old son is 6'6" and being invited to an elite basketball team and already as an almost sophomore being looked at by amazing colleges. My 4 year old is just joy filled. He is so gorgeous and full of life. And then I'm their Mom? Like this is all they get as a mother? I swear this isn't a pity party I just truthfully am all out of any hope that it gets better. I'm so lost.

[nursegirl6572]

Beautifully said!!

[meegWpaw]

Kera, I have been thinking about you all day and what I can say to help you.  Im not sure I can help, but Ill try.  Kera, you can be ok!  You are very honest and I think this shows a lot of strength.  I know for women our weight really does contribute so much to our self image, I feel it myself and I hear women share about it at meetings All the Time.  Beautiful women, Kera, sharing about how bad they feel about themselves bc of their weight.  You are a MOM and you are trying to regain your life, and those are Amazing things!  What a gift your children have to have you present as their mom, and caring, and warm, and trying to make positive changes!  "This is all they get as a mom?"  I do not think this is accurate.  They get This Wonderful Mom!  all of us are works in progress, and its hard sometimes, but we can embrace this.  we are here for you!!!

[nursegirl6572]

Your doc sounds awesome, please listen to him.  He's absolutely right that you need to address these others issues in your life before coming off the Subs.  If you don't, relapse risk will be HIGH.  Also, like he said, Subs can be a wonderful tool IF a person puts the work into it, therapy, meetings, etc.

You can do this.  Start getting some help for the anxiety/panic/depression, and go from there.  Your self esteem is horribly low, probably as a result from all of the above conditions.  You're NOT all the things you said you were, not by far.

You've got some work to do hon, but it's totally doable.  Once you're in a better place emotionally, and have addressed the addiction too with aftercare, THEN you can revisit coming off the subs.

Best to you!

[ricart70]

I just want to add my support. You can get your life back together and it won't take that long.    I know that I could never work on anything until I got off of the opiate. They numb your feelings.  I also drank tons and I mean tons of strawberry and grape crush when I was taking opiate. I haven't touched one since I touched my last dose.   If you don't like your life on sub then I bet you would like your life when you get off of it. Hang in there friend .

[Bobo0331]

You are definitely hurting right now, I can read it in everything you wrote. You are not hopeless though. I dont know if you have much experience with all this. I did not when I stumbled onto these forums two weeks ago (tomorrow night actually)

I was scared, and I hated what things had come to. I was terrified of jumping down off 6-7 Percs a day, and I did not see how I could possibly do it. I had to stop cold Turkey (might not be right for you) and it was tough. It is still tough, but not nearly as tough as waking up every day hating myself for letting it get to this point.

I sat and watched and began to understand that I was not alone and that others were out there fighting the same war against themselves that I was. Knowing that I was not alone, and sharing with a couple of these folks helped me hang on. It has been almost 14 days and I am bouncing back. It is incredibly difficult, but it is not out of reach.

I post this so that you know that the self loathing, the fear, and the regret can be overcome, but not without a fight. The pay off is the feeling of freedom from that mess, and it is in reach. You are ahead of the game because you know you want to change. Use that encouraging foothold to pick a point and do it. Your life is worth it, and there is in fact a better life out there.

By the way, I was so envious of some of these folks who had already gone through that dark tunnel from dependance to freedom. That envy helped motivate me, and continues to do so. I am not out of the woods yet, but I know that it is possible.

I wish you well, and I hope you leverage the experience of people here to help stand you back up. I congratulate you on seeking out a place to vent what you are going through, as it is a huge step.

Peace be with you

[Butterfly1503]

Also, this doesn't make you a bad person. When I dropped my smallest child off at school this morning. I choked back my tears. I too, drove off thinking.. My sweet baby, oh how I have failed you! You know what, we haven't given up, and we see our wrong doing. We are fighting for our sobriety! I too have a teenager. She's15... I'm so scared of the things she will face. One day I will tell her this journey I went down. One day, I will tell her, I am blank years sober... And you will be able to do the same. This does not defy you! I've learned that from a few sweet girls here!!! I'm sure they will be by soon with better words than mine. Just know... You are not alone!!!!

[VICourageous]

Oh Girl do not feel alone. I have been yacking about this today myself. I have almost a Year and was told by many Dr it could take a year or so for my Brain to balance back. We just have to keep moving forward. Life will be Life and at least we saved more life by giving up these evil Substances.. Whatever they may be!
When You get off the Subs you will start to feel the real YOU..This will take Time and alot of different stages we will go into..
Is this DR going to start tapering YOU??
Just keep it up and do the best you can. Hope you get off the Subs soon so your life can make a big turn for the best.
Bless

[Butterfly1503]

My heart goes out to you! (Big hugs) you are going to pull through this! I have two beautiful kids and a wonderful husband. I used to think addicts lived under bridges or in a crack house covered in track marks. I'm a suburban mom.. PTO, church going... Addict!!! I have beat myself up over and over again. I'm down to two hydro's a day and was given suboxen yesterday. After getting some great advice from this board... I returned the unopened box to my pharmacist. My anxiety is through the roof. I've had crying spells and down days. Let me say this.. Today, I went to a meeting...it was the best thing I could have ever done!! There were all walks of life there. Rich/poor the whole human race. I believe in you, and I believe you can get through this. This board is becoming my go to. Have you been to a meeting? I promise you have nothing to lose. I look in the mirror and I see a person that got addicted to something that was more powerful than me. I didn't set out to be an addict nor did you! I don't know your spiritual beliefs, but the song "you are more" by tenth avenue north is what I listen to every single day! I am more than my past mistakes, I am more than the problems I create, I've been remade!! Please listen to it... It awesome, and so is the song Blessings by Laura story.. Hang in there! I am praying for you!!!!!