Back at it again

[Scaredformylife1981]

Once again I relapsed!! It wasn't as bad as it was before. I haven't had a norco in a week. But I did take tramadol again.  Only a couple a day. I took my last tramadol before bed. I just can't believe I relapsed again. 3 weeks ago I was so proud of myself. All it took was one moment of weakness.
Now my hubby wants to go back on norco and he will get his refill next week. He did get a small safe to keep them in. But I know he will give me one if I ask. Then one will become two and so on....
I'm hoping this round of w/d will be pretty easy since I didn't go on some huge binge. What do you all think?

[motye51]

My opinion, getting clean is going to be really hard if your husband is using as well.  He has to be strong enough to NOT give you one and I know "using" husbands usually just give in b/c they know how crappy you feel.  Around 3 weeks clean....did you go for any type of aftercare or N/A or A/A at that point?  I think a lot of people seem to think that willpower is going to be enough...and as you now well know, it's not enough!  I can honestly say that had it not been for N/A, I would not still be clean today.  You need to get back up on this horse and try again!  OK, so you had a setback...now, start over and this time, make a plan for what your going to do differently so that relapsing doesn't happen again.  
BTW.....maybe it's time to start talking with your husband about him quitting with you?  Maybe do this together and you can use each other to sort of "watch" each other?  Just a thought...

[timothy141]

Relapse is part of recovery, don't throw in the towel. You should be proud of yourself. Like you said," All it took was one moment of weakness."  

[OpenMind24hours]

For me it's food for thought. It reminds me of the analogy I heard at one of my first AA tables when I got clean for the first time in 1982: Addiction is like a ride on a dump truck. The truck is heading for the dump. Us addicts always have the option of getting off the truck at any stop, but some of us end up on a complete tour of the dump.

We have the tools available to us to stop using and actually feel serenity and peace at the same time. It's entirely possible to get a craving but not use over it. We wait it out and it goes away. But these tools will only work if we work with them and willingly use them to save our lives.

My DOC is the combination of alcohol and pain pills. The source of alcohol is within sight right down at the end of our street. The pain pills are within reach by simply shopping my latest lower back MRI to an inner city pain clinic. Your DOC is in your husbands safe. It's a minefield out there for us addicts. That's one of the many reasons why addiction is such an insidious disease. Availability. Heroin is cheap here in Detroit. That came into view for me as part of my dump tour. It never came to heroin because I got off the dump truck and started using the life saving tools of recovery. I stay off the dump truck one day at a time. Today we both have a choice to not use, no matter what.

You posted. That's  great that you did. You have it in you to not use today, that's why you posted. Today you're in recovery. Look at it that way. Take today and run with it. Don't look back. Go to The aftercare of your choice and start working with the tools of recovery. You can do this. God bless you for posting today. I needed to read what you posted and it honestly helps me get through today by responding to you. Keep posting, never give up.

[timothy141]

Very good response. Thank you.

[gnarly_1]

Hi  well relapse is very demoralizing ...with that said what are you going to do different???? for me and many others N/a was the only solution I tried phyic doctors a substance abuse counselor and a pastor but I did not see a change in the very way I think until I hit the rooms of N/A as addicts we need a program I watch many people struggle with this those that go to meetings tend to stay clean there only a hr long and you will build a network of clean friends I cant over emphasize this enough google N/a meetings in your area and check a few out good luck with your recovery.........Gnarly.......................

[Scaredformylife1981]

Thanks everyone. I'll post on how I'm doing... Day one in recovery...

[VICourageous]

Just try Harder and Learn all you can about this Addiction. SUPPORT and more SUPPORT is a Big Key in our Recovery!
Having them pills around is going to be a mind game, but you just need to be around & talk with other clean people when you Crave or Have Triggers. It takes one min to think about it and then a min to re-direct your thinking. I wish you the best.
Bless

[Scaredformylife1981]

Just got back from a nice long walk with my family.  It felt good to be out laughing with my kids. Even played catch with my kids too. Setting goals for myself, since I started using I gained 30 lbs in 3 yrs. I want to run again like I used to. It's like therapy for me.  

[dominosarah]

I wouldn't worry about the wd's, i would pay more attention to putting a plan into place so this doesn't happen again.  I take it you still have connections to get pills?.

[Scaredformylife1981]

I'm rxed out. My hubby gets them..but now has a safe for them. Last night I slept not so great..having hot flashes. Other then that I'm ready to go workout. :)

[ang_811]

Learn from this and move pass it. It sounds like u have reservations with ur husband's pills he will b getting. U got to want this. We must change people places and things and become honest open minded and willing to do what it takes. It may not have been bad this time but trust me it WILL get worst. This disease leads to jails institutions and death.

[Scaredformylife1981]

I understand..yes, I am afraid of him getting my doc and it being in my home or garage or wherever he keeps them.
My thoughts on this, which I've been thinking about a lot is he has the script, I don't. They are locked up like they would be at any pharmacy so they aren't mine to have. Gotta redirect and Focus on the positive things that come from not using and get to meetings when needed. At least once a week.
Day two, I can do this....

[selfinduced]

Hi Scared, It is so hard to continue in recovery when there is you DOC in the house. I was hit unexpectedly after 2 years clean when my kids needed wisdom teeth out and tonsils out. They had to have pain meds for a few days and with those drugs in the house I couldn't sleep. This all after 2 years clean. Be very careful ok? Does your husband have a legitimate need for his meds? You are so right. This is all up to your desire to be clean, but do whatever you can to minimize temptation. Rooting for you my friend.

[Scaredformylife1981]

Yes, it's gonna be hard but I've lived in a house that had pain meds in it before and didn't use. I can do it again..
Yes he does have a reason, four ruptured discs in his back. Constant pain..I hate feeling so much guilt when he is out of meds bc of me. Then having to go through wd month after month. It's not fair, it's illegal and just plain stupid on my part.  He deserves better from me.  

[selfinduced]

Hey Girl, I know your guilt. Just know it doesn't have to be this way. Now's the time to take back your pride and conviction. Have you ever tried NA? I haven't but did go to AA a few times and see where that support alone would ease a lot of the temptation as well as constant support. You don't want to constantly be tempted by a safe near by with meds and your hubby having to be the "bad guy". I think you need a new plan if your really serious about staying clean. What do you think?

[Scaredformylife1981]

Idk what else to do..he needs them and if they are locked away I can't get to them.

[ActingBrandNew]

What a great response man!

"My DOC is the combination of alcohol and pain pills. The source of alcohol is within sight right down at the end of our street. The pain pills are within reach by simply shopping my latest lower back MRI to an inner city pain clinic. Your DOC is in your husbands safe. It's a minefield out there for us addicts. That's one of the many reasons why addiction is such an insidious disease. Availability."

I always read about cutting sources etc by calling connections etc and I think to myself, how does that work? Because even though I may call my connection and delete his number....I cant erase the memory of where he lives. Availability is EVERYWHERE. Like you said, all I would have to do is shop my latest MRI around to get a new connect anyways.

We have to work on ourselves so we can live in these conditions and circumstances without using. Temptation will always be there. Whether it be in the form of pills in the hubbys safe, driving to the connects (because you allegedly cut sources by deleting his number)  or shopping an MRI...they will always be available. We have to work on ourselves to we can be able to deal with those things. That's why some sort of program is NECESSARY in order to stay clean!