Aa
Time to get humble and honest!
Its time for me to get humble. I come on here daily, wanting to help people get clean while getting clean as well. I have heard from many that I have been so helpful to them and have been a rock, etc. So if I am really going to help people then I have to be honest with you all, and be honest with myself.
I relapsed yesterday and I dont want to talk alot right now about how I relapsed, but more so as to WHY. In the beginning of me getting clean, I was riding that infamous pink cloud! There was NO way I was going to ever touch another pill again U would tell myself! I was Doing everything different this time! I had this this time!! I was going to therapy to get to the root of why I use. I cut off all my sources, and actually moved to another state! I was going to AA meetings. In the beginning, A couple times a week but eventually, everyday and I got a sponsor to help me work the program. I told my secret to my family and some of my friends. I told my Dr. and I redflagged myself at my pharmacy! I did EVERYTHING that I tell people to do. So why did I relapse then???
Besides the fact that this disease is so strong. heres where I failed. As that Pink cloud started to disappear, I was left with my own head and my own feelings. Like Most of us will be! So instead of reaching out to people and screaming from the rooftops that I was struggling emotionally, and having cravings, I very slowly over the last few weeks started isolating. I told myself I DONT NEED TO TELL ANYONE!! IM 2 months clean now! But THIS is where I went wrong. I slowly stopped going out with my sober friends. I slowly stopped talking about my feelings and how they were triggering me. I started to internalize again. I even stopped coming on here as much. I kept putting myself in situations where I would be tested and tempted! Now I realize probably because I wanted to fail.
The reason I am telling everyone this is because I see alot of people who are riding the pink cloud once they are done detoxing and think that they are done with the hard work. They start to pull away from the things that kept them clean, and they start to change their patterns back to those addictive patterns. I now know I was INCREDIBLY guilty of this. I was going through the motions of putting in the work, But I know I wasnt putting in 100% anymore to my recovery. The second we stop putting in 100% to our recovery, is when you are destined to relapse like I did.
This isnt easy AT ALL to tell you all. Im embaressed and ashamed! But I want to share with all of you guys who have been there for me, and who I have been there for because I hope that the reason for my failure will be a help to others so they dont end up here, and feeling like I feel now. This disease is cunning and baffling and The lesson I have learned from this is I cant EVER stop giving 100% to my recovery!
So anyways, Thanks everyone for listening!
Love ya all, my MH family!
I relapsed yesterday and I dont want to talk alot right now about how I relapsed, but more so as to WHY. In the beginning of me getting clean, I was riding that infamous pink cloud! There was NO way I was going to ever touch another pill again U would tell myself! I was Doing everything different this time! I had this this time!! I was going to therapy to get to the root of why I use. I cut off all my sources, and actually moved to another state! I was going to AA meetings. In the beginning, A couple times a week but eventually, everyday and I got a sponsor to help me work the program. I told my secret to my family and some of my friends. I told my Dr. and I redflagged myself at my pharmacy! I did EVERYTHING that I tell people to do. So why did I relapse then???
Besides the fact that this disease is so strong. heres where I failed. As that Pink cloud started to disappear, I was left with my own head and my own feelings. Like Most of us will be! So instead of reaching out to people and screaming from the rooftops that I was struggling emotionally, and having cravings, I very slowly over the last few weeks started isolating. I told myself I DONT NEED TO TELL ANYONE!! IM 2 months clean now! But THIS is where I went wrong. I slowly stopped going out with my sober friends. I slowly stopped talking about my feelings and how they were triggering me. I started to internalize again. I even stopped coming on here as much. I kept putting myself in situations where I would be tested and tempted! Now I realize probably because I wanted to fail.
The reason I am telling everyone this is because I see alot of people who are riding the pink cloud once they are done detoxing and think that they are done with the hard work. They start to pull away from the things that kept them clean, and they start to change their patterns back to those addictive patterns. I now know I was INCREDIBLY guilty of this. I was going through the motions of putting in the work, But I know I wasnt putting in 100% anymore to my recovery. The second we stop putting in 100% to our recovery, is when you are destined to relapse like I did.
This isnt easy AT ALL to tell you all. Im embaressed and ashamed! But I want to share with all of you guys who have been there for me, and who I have been there for because I hope that the reason for my failure will be a help to others so they dont end up here, and feeling like I feel now. This disease is cunning and baffling and The lesson I have learned from this is I cant EVER stop giving 100% to my recovery!
So anyways, Thanks everyone for listening!
Love ya all, my MH family!
Best Answer
It ios kinda scary How much we have in common! I am learning from you already and Im thankful to have people like you and the others who are walking down the path of sobriety and are paving the way for me. I made this poor choice but It doesnt hagve to define what my tomorrow will be anymore. I just have to keep picking myself back up and with yall's help I will be able to do that.
Thanks girl for everything :)
Thanks girl for everything :)
@Kyle- Wow, I really appreciaate that!! It wasnt easy to admit to or even display for the world but typing it all was 2 fold. 1 so I can get honest with myself. and 2 so I can maybe help others by my mistakes. I hope that I will :)
As far as recovering addict of the year, lol Ill take it I guess! :)
@Bright-"clean time is more about quality, not quanity" I like that and couldnt agree more!! We focus so much on how many days which is good but sometimes, we have to give ourselves a little latitude :) Thanks girl!
As far as recovering addict of the year, lol Ill take it I guess! :)
@Bright-"clean time is more about quality, not quanity" I like that and couldnt agree more!! We focus so much on how many days which is good but sometimes, we have to give ourselves a little latitude :) Thanks girl!
im proud of u for getting honest here. Its not an easy thing to do at all but once u do u feel the weight bn lifted and no longer have to feel that quilt that will usually and almost always keep us using to try n numb the pain of hiding from others. U can do this girl. its been an honor to getting to know ya over the past few weeks.its scarry how much we are alike.
no one here will ever give up on u and I know this to b a fact. get back into the rooms as soon as possible. talk to ur sponsor. keep posting here for support and in "my girls". do the opposite of what u think u should b doing no matter how hard it can b. u will feel better in the end.
relapse for me has been a part of my recovery. I hope u don't have to go down the road I went down on in my last relapse. I was having intense feelings of loneliness, hurt n pain I used and drank more to try n cover them up only to realize I was making the pain 30 times worst and bc of that all mixed in together I wanted to die which led to suicidal thoughts. One night (sara knows about this) I was actually contemplating on taking the rest of the drugs I had to try and end it. almost every addict has it in their head they must hit a bottom. my bottom was that emotional bottom. I always had it in my head that I didn't have a problem bc I never went to jail, got into trouble with the cops, went to rehab or was institionalized. it was those thoughts that I had about ending my life that was my bottom. that and bc I could always make it back on my own with no problem. this disease does progress and get worst that I know. for example if u had 20 years clean and u picked up it would b like u never stopped in those 20 years.
I love ya girl and u remind me so much of myself. keep ur head up. u can do this..
don't know where all that came from but I hope it helps
no one here will ever give up on u and I know this to b a fact. get back into the rooms as soon as possible. talk to ur sponsor. keep posting here for support and in "my girls". do the opposite of what u think u should b doing no matter how hard it can b. u will feel better in the end.
relapse for me has been a part of my recovery. I hope u don't have to go down the road I went down on in my last relapse. I was having intense feelings of loneliness, hurt n pain I used and drank more to try n cover them up only to realize I was making the pain 30 times worst and bc of that all mixed in together I wanted to die which led to suicidal thoughts. One night (sara knows about this) I was actually contemplating on taking the rest of the drugs I had to try and end it. almost every addict has it in their head they must hit a bottom. my bottom was that emotional bottom. I always had it in my head that I didn't have a problem bc I never went to jail, got into trouble with the cops, went to rehab or was institionalized. it was those thoughts that I had about ending my life that was my bottom. that and bc I could always make it back on my own with no problem. this disease does progress and get worst that I know. for example if u had 20 years clean and u picked up it would b like u never stopped in those 20 years.
I love ya girl and u remind me so much of myself. keep ur head up. u can do this..
don't know where all that came from but I hope it helps
Hi Teresa...thanks for using your story to help remind us to stay vigilant in our recovery!
Also, just remember... clean time is more about quality, not quantity! You are doing great and help so many I'm thankful that you're a part of MH!
Also, just remember... clean time is more about quality, not quantity! You are doing great and help so many I'm thankful that you're a part of MH!
I don't want to be too blunt, but here goes...
This has to be one of the most important posts ever to make it on the forum. I pray that the new people read this- actually it should be mandatory reading for everyone.
So many of us have said - warned - that the mental side of addiction is something that never leaves us. It's a life long battle. So when I see posts that say I will beat this, I have the will power, I am a strong person - I just shake my head.
I don't know you but you have to be one of the bravest people I know. You didn't have to talk about this but you did. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You are what this site is all about. (Plus you get my vote for recovering addict of the year :) )
This has to be one of the most important posts ever to make it on the forum. I pray that the new people read this- actually it should be mandatory reading for everyone.
So many of us have said - warned - that the mental side of addiction is something that never leaves us. It's a life long battle. So when I see posts that say I will beat this, I have the will power, I am a strong person - I just shake my head.
I don't know you but you have to be one of the bravest people I know. You didn't have to talk about this but you did. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You are what this site is all about. (Plus you get my vote for recovering addict of the year :) )
LOL exactly girl!! :)
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We r so alike that I know exactly how many pills u took and that's one to many. If u don't swallow it, shoot it, or put it up ur nose then u can't get high or drunk. Remember that.
Learn from this and dust urself off n try again and tell yourself every morning u wake up that ur stronger than yesterday.