Time to get humble and honest!

[Teresa1717]

Its time for me to get humble. I come on here daily, wanting to help people get clean while getting clean as well. I have heard from many that I have been so helpful to them and have been a rock, etc. So if I am really going to help people then I have to be honest with you all, and be honest with myself.

I relapsed yesterday and I dont want to talk alot right now about how I relapsed, but more so as to WHY.  In the beginning of me getting clean, I was riding that infamous pink cloud! There was NO way I was going to ever touch another pill again U would tell myself!  I was Doing everything different this time! I had this this time!!  I was going to therapy to get to the root of why I use. I cut off all my sources, and actually moved to another state! I was going to AA meetings. In the beginning, A couple times a week but eventually, everyday and I got a sponsor to help me work the program. I told my secret to my family and some of my friends. I told my Dr. and I redflagged myself at my pharmacy! I did EVERYTHING that I tell people to do. So why did I relapse then???

Besides the fact that this disease is so strong.  heres where I failed. As that Pink cloud started to disappear, I was left with my own head and my own feelings. Like Most of us will be! So instead of reaching out to people and screaming from the rooftops that I was struggling emotionally, and having cravings, I very slowly over the last few weeks started isolating. I told myself I DONT NEED TO TELL ANYONE!! IM 2 months clean now! But THIS is where I went wrong. I slowly stopped going out with my sober friends. I slowly stopped talking about my feelings and how they were triggering me. I started to internalize again. I even stopped coming on here as much. I kept putting myself in situations where I would be tested and tempted! Now I realize probably because I wanted to fail.

The reason I am telling everyone this is because I see alot of people who are riding the pink cloud once they are done detoxing and think that they are done with the hard work. They start to pull away from the things that kept them clean, and they start to change their patterns back to those addictive patterns. I now know I was INCREDIBLY guilty of this. I was going through the motions of putting in the work, But I know I wasnt putting in 100% anymore to my recovery. The second we stop putting in 100% to our recovery, is when you are destined to relapse like I did.

This isnt easy AT ALL to tell you all. Im embaressed and ashamed! But I  want to share with all of you guys who have been there for me, and who I have been there for because  I hope that the reason for my failure will be a help  to others so they dont end up here, and feeling like I feel now. This disease is cunning and baffling and  The lesson I have learned from this is I cant EVER stop giving 100% to my recovery!

So anyways, Thanks everyone for listening!

Love ya all, my MH family!

[jenjen1966]

This post has been more help to me than just about anything. Your strength inspires me. Thank you for sharing this.

[Teresa1717]

Thank you Deanna and Weaver! I cant begin to express how much I appreciaate everyones support and encouragement! Thisis why this forum works and has helped so many people! Now granted, I know people need to have in their face support too but this is a great start to get many of us to where we need ot be.

If it wasnt for the support of all of you, I would have certainly had a case of the "F*ckits* and just went and found more pills. You guys give me the strength I need to push through this.

Love ya all!!

[Deana1970]

Dont be so hard on yourself. Relapsing is part of the learning process. Every time you relapse...you learn!!! You learn the hard way, but you do learn and it humble's you until you complete submit to the fact that you will have to fight every single day to stay clean. Some of those days are alot harder than others. I have relapsed so many times and felt so ashamed...such a hypocrite. Telling everyone I cared about that I was done, that I would never use again. Only to relapse, isolate, and feel overwhelmed by the guilt. The person who is strong and gets back up after a failure is the one who eventually wins is fight...and you are one of those people. Just from being on this site, admitting your relapse makes you stronger than others who cant admit it to themselves or others. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue your fight....you can and will get through it and come out the winner...as long as you dont give up!!!

[weaver71]

I didn't get a pink cloud. I felt pretty bad for 3 months, and I'm still crawling out of it. You had many signs to warn you. Isolation, over confident, putting less importance on telling people and your recovery. I have a list of signs that let me know I'm slipping. Taking a pill is one phase of relapse, not the begining or the end. Relapse begings in the heart and mind, then it goes into action, then the progression of use, then jails, institutions, or death. I'm really glad you didn't throw in the towel. Today, you have a better understanding of your addiction, you're not starting over. Stories like yours and years of my own life, are why I rant a rave in desperation at times. I try to get help before I actually go back. I'm still not sure I'll beat this forever, that in itself is humbling. Thanks for sharing and sticking around, you've helped me once again. I have found Gorski's CENAPS model of recovery and relapse prevention helps me be aware of relapse patterns and habits, before I use.

[Teresa1717]

Sweetheart, Dont feel bad AT ALL! Like my Post said, I was isolating again and so I relapsed long before I took those pills!  There was nothing anyone could have done  because Im the one who stopped putting in 100% work!

So please dont feel bad. You have been there for me in so many ways, so many times and your a good friend :) This was going to happen, but Im just glad I am able to learn from it and hopefully share what I learned with you and everyone else so it wont happen again.

xo

[SmilingBright]

T, thank you for being so honest!! I'm new to the forum.  But have learned so much about this disease that I have!  Some very scary s...!!  Thank u for the reminder to always be on guard and not let my guards down to recover!  

At the moment I'm feeling great.  Actually just got home from church.  Admitted to an elder of my church of my addiction to pain meds and asked her to pray for me.  It's a process!!  I will never ever put my guards down.  God will strengthen me to defeat this addiction.   I'm getting stronger and stronger everyday.  I pray you all find strength in Gods love today and everyday.  

I also like what someone said.   It's actually biblical ::  don't worry about yesterday. Yesterday is gone.  Don't fret about tomm.  It's not here yet!!   Let's live in the now and deal w today!!   We can all handle today.  It's easier for me to look at things One day at a time!!  
Hopefully this can and will help at Least one person.  
Love to all!!!  Chris;)