Aa
Time to get humble and honest!
Its time for me to get humble. I come on here daily, wanting to help people get clean while getting clean as well. I have heard from many that I have been so helpful to them and have been a rock, etc. So if I am really going to help people then I have to be honest with you all, and be honest with myself.
I relapsed yesterday and I dont want to talk alot right now about how I relapsed, but more so as to WHY. In the beginning of me getting clean, I was riding that infamous pink cloud! There was NO way I was going to ever touch another pill again U would tell myself! I was Doing everything different this time! I had this this time!! I was going to therapy to get to the root of why I use. I cut off all my sources, and actually moved to another state! I was going to AA meetings. In the beginning, A couple times a week but eventually, everyday and I got a sponsor to help me work the program. I told my secret to my family and some of my friends. I told my Dr. and I redflagged myself at my pharmacy! I did EVERYTHING that I tell people to do. So why did I relapse then???
Besides the fact that this disease is so strong. heres where I failed. As that Pink cloud started to disappear, I was left with my own head and my own feelings. Like Most of us will be! So instead of reaching out to people and screaming from the rooftops that I was struggling emotionally, and having cravings, I very slowly over the last few weeks started isolating. I told myself I DONT NEED TO TELL ANYONE!! IM 2 months clean now! But THIS is where I went wrong. I slowly stopped going out with my sober friends. I slowly stopped talking about my feelings and how they were triggering me. I started to internalize again. I even stopped coming on here as much. I kept putting myself in situations where I would be tested and tempted! Now I realize probably because I wanted to fail.
The reason I am telling everyone this is because I see alot of people who are riding the pink cloud once they are done detoxing and think that they are done with the hard work. They start to pull away from the things that kept them clean, and they start to change their patterns back to those addictive patterns. I now know I was INCREDIBLY guilty of this. I was going through the motions of putting in the work, But I know I wasnt putting in 100% anymore to my recovery. The second we stop putting in 100% to our recovery, is when you are destined to relapse like I did.
This isnt easy AT ALL to tell you all. Im embaressed and ashamed! But I want to share with all of you guys who have been there for me, and who I have been there for because I hope that the reason for my failure will be a help to others so they dont end up here, and feeling like I feel now. This disease is cunning and baffling and The lesson I have learned from this is I cant EVER stop giving 100% to my recovery!
So anyways, Thanks everyone for listening!
Love ya all, my MH family!
I relapsed yesterday and I dont want to talk alot right now about how I relapsed, but more so as to WHY. In the beginning of me getting clean, I was riding that infamous pink cloud! There was NO way I was going to ever touch another pill again U would tell myself! I was Doing everything different this time! I had this this time!! I was going to therapy to get to the root of why I use. I cut off all my sources, and actually moved to another state! I was going to AA meetings. In the beginning, A couple times a week but eventually, everyday and I got a sponsor to help me work the program. I told my secret to my family and some of my friends. I told my Dr. and I redflagged myself at my pharmacy! I did EVERYTHING that I tell people to do. So why did I relapse then???
Besides the fact that this disease is so strong. heres where I failed. As that Pink cloud started to disappear, I was left with my own head and my own feelings. Like Most of us will be! So instead of reaching out to people and screaming from the rooftops that I was struggling emotionally, and having cravings, I very slowly over the last few weeks started isolating. I told myself I DONT NEED TO TELL ANYONE!! IM 2 months clean now! But THIS is where I went wrong. I slowly stopped going out with my sober friends. I slowly stopped talking about my feelings and how they were triggering me. I started to internalize again. I even stopped coming on here as much. I kept putting myself in situations where I would be tested and tempted! Now I realize probably because I wanted to fail.
The reason I am telling everyone this is because I see alot of people who are riding the pink cloud once they are done detoxing and think that they are done with the hard work. They start to pull away from the things that kept them clean, and they start to change their patterns back to those addictive patterns. I now know I was INCREDIBLY guilty of this. I was going through the motions of putting in the work, But I know I wasnt putting in 100% anymore to my recovery. The second we stop putting in 100% to our recovery, is when you are destined to relapse like I did.
This isnt easy AT ALL to tell you all. Im embaressed and ashamed! But I want to share with all of you guys who have been there for me, and who I have been there for because I hope that the reason for my failure will be a help to others so they dont end up here, and feeling like I feel now. This disease is cunning and baffling and The lesson I have learned from this is I cant EVER stop giving 100% to my recovery!
So anyways, Thanks everyone for listening!
Love ya all, my MH family!
I'm so sorry you are not feeling well.
As you know feeling all that you are now is part of healing.
Let the feelings in, don't force them and wonder why you are feeling the way u are.
Get a book, turn the music up. Do something. But please don't give up.
I'm so happy now that I've stopped all the madness.
I've gone through all those feelings. It wasn't fun but i kept my mind busy and came out fighting.
You can too!
As you know feeling all that you are now is part of healing.
Let the feelings in, don't force them and wonder why you are feeling the way u are.
Get a book, turn the music up. Do something. But please don't give up.
I'm so happy now that I've stopped all the madness.
I've gone through all those feelings. It wasn't fun but i kept my mind busy and came out fighting.
You can too!
OK, so I guess I'm really frustrated and confused! I have been struggling and fighting every single day not to just call my doctor and have a good relapse! I've been depressed and anxious, and miserable, and in pain! But, because I feared a relapse so much, and feared telling everyone here about it afterward, I haven't done it! But as I am seeing and learning now, it's really OK and normal to do it! I wonder why I have been putting myself through Hell in trying to stay clean! I don't want to fight and struggle and be miserable and suffering in pain anymore! My head is about to explode right now! I'm done, I surrender!
Nobody better get pissed off or offended or mad at me! This is about me and how I'm feeling! Right now, I am sick of the fight! And I expect no one will criticize me afterwards!
Nobody better get pissed off or offended or mad at me! This is about me and how I'm feeling! Right now, I am sick of the fight! And I expect no one will criticize me afterwards!
Hey, Who you calling fat!! :)
Thanks Honey!! Although I only took the pills once, I mentally relapsed weeks ago. But now that I know WHY i can figure out the WHAT I need to do to change it. I do feel better, ironically. and the pills didnt even give me enjoyment! They just fueled my Panic attack that sent me to the ER so it was NOT worth it! lol
But its done, Im back on track and Im not ever gonna stop fighting! :)
Thanks Honey!! Although I only took the pills once, I mentally relapsed weeks ago. But now that I know WHY i can figure out the WHAT I need to do to change it. I do feel better, ironically. and the pills didnt even give me enjoyment! They just fueled my Panic attack that sent me to the ER so it was NOT worth it! lol
But its done, Im back on track and Im not ever gonna stop fighting! :)
Hey you- I just crawled out from under a rock and read this thread...LOL
You sound better than you have in awhile...you may have needed to do this...and now your back on track.
It's like a diet...sometimes you cheat...but you don't get fat...
Big hug!
You sound better than you have in awhile...you may have needed to do this...and now your back on track.
It's like a diet...sometimes you cheat...but you don't get fat...
Big hug!
Last week i was sitting at home, in the cold northwest. I dislike the cold. Did i tell you that? Lol. Anyways i do. Thinking of what to do next with my life. I've been sitting around for a year. Worked on my speed boat a little, but it got to cold to even do that. So now what.
I jumped off the couch, and went back to work so i could feel the sun on my face again. Oh it feels sooooo good. Now today I'm sitting in palm springs, ca it was 65 today. Tomorrow is to be 72-3.
I'm so glad i did it. Mh and this will be my savour in all of this. Work and the sun. Lol. I love it. I got focused on work and the sun. Just warmer weather.
Your a strong person, stay focused and you will overcome this.
I jumped off the couch, and went back to work so i could feel the sun on my face again. Oh it feels sooooo good. Now today I'm sitting in palm springs, ca it was 65 today. Tomorrow is to be 72-3.
I'm so glad i did it. Mh and this will be my savour in all of this. Work and the sun. Lol. I love it. I got focused on work and the sun. Just warmer weather.
Your a strong person, stay focused and you will overcome this.
I am beating myself up a little bit, but I am trying to learn everything I can from this. The Depression I have been having is definitely not helping but I think that even that I can learn from. You never a failure as long as you never give up! SOmeone told me that and I love it! :)
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We r so alike that I know exactly how many pills u took and that's one to many. If u don't swallow it, shoot it, or put it up ur nose then u can't get high or drunk. Remember that.
Learn from this and dust urself off n try again and tell yourself every morning u wake up that ur stronger than yesterday.