I am so sorry to hear that you are in this position. I have been in the spot your husband is in, minus the kids, and I can tell you that he is way more than likely at a very low spot inside. He may put on a front, but if hes anything like me, i was scared and anxious constantly. It becomes a cycle in which the addict becomes comfortable, almost numb to the consedquences of his actions, bc all an addict is worried about is taking the next dose to not be in "pain" from withdraw.
Sometimes it takes a drastic situation in one's life for the addict to be able to wake up and realize he is in a self destructive cycle. Sometimes, it doesnt - like me- i knew from the first day i took oxycontin that I had messed up and didnt want to go down that path.
All I can tell is that God is a comforter, provider, and healer. For you, your children, and your husband. Put your faith in him, and do everything you can to get your husband to open up to you about how he is feeling.
Addicts are ridiculously self centered, sensitive, and efensive, so your method of approaching him is very important as to not have him shut down on you and become defensive the minute you confront him.
It make take several attempts of you coming to him genuinely sincere, telling him ur not there to judge him, but just that you realize that hes in an incredibly frustrating and terrifying situation, and you want him to know that your there for him, for better or worse.
Try to get him to start opening up to you about his feelings, and eventually he may open up to you. If and when he does, that is a huge step towards him getting on the right track.
Addicts constantly feel alone, so if you can get him to understand that you are there for him, to help him in any and every way you can, to support him and love him through anything and everything, that could go a long way.
I will keep you in mind, and i strongly recommend you going to God and giving him your cares and concerns. Your not alone.
he certainly is the typical addict. your in a tough spot because it sounds like he has no intentions of quiting. I personally believe you can sometimes convince people to quit, but many have said until they truly want to quit, they wont.
I know I had to get kicked in the face about 20 times before I REALLY wanted to quit,a nd did it.
I was glad to hear the doc eventually cut him off, but why on earth would they prescribe oxy's for lower back pain, thats insane.
I left my addict less than a week ago. I was also in a long relationship. In my head I knew I had to leave, my heart has not caught up. In my case his addiction was controlling my life. I was driving myself crazy. In some ways I still am, but at least I am removed from the situation every waking moment. I can certainly relate to the lies. I was dumb enough to believe because I loved him so much. I still love him. Due to my situation, I had to change my phone number when he found out I had left. I am not subject to the lies now but I still worry. I say alot of prayers, lots and lots of prayers. The hardest one I had to say was God may your will be done in his life. Only you know the answer for you. I will suggest that you follow your head and not your heart, like I had to do. I think it is the only chance I have at sanity. Good luck and God bless. I will add you to my prayers.
Thank you for the advice. When I first found out he was using too many, i tried to contol it, by keeping the med and giving it to him, then getting mad (only once) and dumping them in the toilet. However, if I held them for him , he would search for them adn find them. Plus, we do not have health insurance, so it is hard when he lies and all of a suddden I see 150.00 come out of our checking account for dr appt and med. That was 2 years ago. This is out third full year of this. The consant lies, and I have grown so numb to all of it. I want to see him be free and live as who he really is. But he will try to get off the meds and just cry everyday and struggle so badly with w/d. Then he will get meds again. We started marriage counseling and even last week we had our first appt and I thought he had been off medicine for 2 weeks (he said he dumped them in toilet, but not sure if he did that or took too many). Anyhow, he came and it went great, very loving ouple who are Christians and older. We are both 33. Anyhow, the next day he calls me at work and says there is a letter in my glovebox to read it and he will call me at lunch. I thought it would say how great the session went, blah, blah, blah, and instead it says, " I went to the doctor yesterday, and got more medicine, I am so sorry..." and so on. I am at the point now where I do not think he can pver come this addictive behavior without help, but do not want to enable him, and think he should seek help on his own.
Sounds like my story all over again. He has to have a reason to quit or he never will. You need to confront him with ALL that you are feeling and going thru. He needs to no that he is ruinning your marriage and his relationship with his children. If all else fails you need to leave to show him you are not kidding around about this. If his family isnt a good enough reason to quit than nothing will be. Dont use false threats, you need to follow thru with them. That is what it took for me to get my act cleaned up. Then if he does decide to get clean you need to be on board 100%. I wish you luck, this wont be easy on any of you.
Thanks BIKERDAD, and nancylreynolds, and everyone. I am going to a "Celebrate Recovery" meeting next week for support because I really need it. My mental health has been on the edge. It is so hard because I feel like I should leave, but I don't want to hurt the kids (of course, I would take them). I hide so much from them. I don't want them to be let down. But I feel like if he stays this way that they are being let down because they get a dad who is an emotionally immature emotional wreck.
We seperated in 2004 for about 3 months and he eventually moved back in, but mainly because he bounced his check that was his rent check for the apartment he had moved into. The seperation was due to his cocaine use then. He played in a band and would use on Friday night after playing and then sleep all day Saturday. The last straw came when our son (who was 6 at the time) came to me on a saturday when I was saying that "daddy didn't feel well, or was sick" and our son said, "Let's go pretend that it is Father's Day, so daddy will be happy." It broke my heart to see the effects of addiction on our son who was only 6 (he is now 11).
It has been such a hard road. I used to enable him, by making excuses for him (calling in to work for him , saying or telling people he was sick), but I do not do that anymore. I just do my best to be a full time worker and college student, go to church, and take care of our kids. I always forgive him and support him. I do not throw anything up in his face, and I have confronted him and let him know that I feel like I cannot trust him at all and cannot depend on him and that he is destroying our kids from his emiotnal rollercoaster. SOme mornings he will hug them and cry and say how much he loves them, and other days he will yell when they do not listen the first time, when he should maybe have some more patience.
His parents were addicts and now his mom is on rx meds and step dad and 2 out of his 3 brothers have huge problems with rx addiction as well. Thank goodness that they are in Louisiana and we are in FLorida. For the past 2 years we have been on this cycle of where he will want to get off, try to get off, and then just go back and get meds. He has gotten suboxen from friends and even asked our neighbor who has pills to give him some about 2 months ago. I always find out about the lies. I pray over him at night. In May of this year he said he was done because he had put some med (2 pills) in his sock and went to work and because of sweat when he went to get them they were falling apart, but he still scraped them out of his wet, sweaty sock and took them.
IN the note he left me last week confessing to going to the dr again, he said,, " I felt like driving on I-10 all the way to Louisiana, so ya'll could finally have a better life. You don't deserve this, I have let you down, not once, not twice, not even a dozen times, but over and over. I have nothing to offer, I am who I am." It was 2 pages, but that is just a piece. I belive God can do anything with someone who is willing, I just do not believe he is willing. I do not think his body as any of its natural "feel good" chemicals left, and we are only 33 yrs old. I even worry that one night he will go to sleep and never wake up.
As a christian you no that if you are a beleiver your prayers will be answered. The catch is that He answers them in His time, not ours. We cant chose when our prayers will be answered, we just no they will be answered. I wish i had the magical answer for you. Just hang in there . Go to your minister, the more people that pray the better it is. You need to decide what is best for you and your children and stick with your decision. If he falls on his face then that is on him, dont bail him out next time. Tough love is the hardest love. I will pray for you and him, God Bless.
I am in Florida as well. In the Northwest Panhandle if that is any help. I agree with everything Bikerdad said. Prayer is an amazing thing. Somehow we will get through this together.
I am also married to a person who abuses pain meds. My husband has the ability to make enough money with side jobs to cover a trip to the dr. I suspect that he does this but havent seen any proof yet. He says that he hasnt been back to his dr since Feb but I have found pills so who knows. He does have a relative that could he could be getting them from. So I know how you feel. I get angry cuz at this point my hubby is only taking 7.5 vic's and considering how much other stuff, stronger stuff there is out there I know what he is taking would be 'easy' to get off of now compared to what it would be like if he progresses to oxycodone.
I am orig from the WV and the pain pills have taken over there and one thing I want you to be aware of.... it is reported in the news there pretty often about people who make 'runs' to FL for pain pills, hitting several dr's each trip. The reason they will go all that distance is that FL doesnt have the monitoring in place to catch dr shoppers. In states that monitor the pharmacies it is has gotten harder for people to get away with that but be aware that in FL your husband could be going to more than one dr.