Am I only as good as what's in front of me?

[Back2Me]

Are we all like that?
At 58 days I have been feeling the past few weeks like I am being hunted down by some relentless animal that is tracking my every move waiting for me to come out of the shadows and let my guard down for a second.
My dreams are almost ALWAYS about using the past week or so. In my dreams I cave instantly when pills are around and feel guilty as hell but I still cave whenever they are even in plain site or I know they are around. I have rid myself of pills this time around for the first time and I know that has helped keep me a good boy but what if? What if its around? Man I am trying to stay strong here, I have turned my attention to a bunch of other time consuming stuff to stay focused on but man I  can't stay 100% busy ALL the time. The first six weeks were a breeze with cravings, I actually thought this time I might get lucky because it took sooooo long for them to hit but now I'm being rocked up against the ropes it's seems at times. I don't think I am in immediate jeopardy of taking anything but the dreams and thoughts during the days are haunting. I am still very strong about this but when I have those dreams when I just give in the second I see it, those are just brutal.
So what are the tools everyone pills out of their boxes when these craving thoughts hit?
I have dived into fitness and getting back into shape and that helps a TON. I have been kicking my *** into the ground littetaly I get to the point to where I'm too beat up to even think about using when the thoughts come. But now I'm getting stronger physically and my recovery time is quicker and when I am feeling strong I feel like trouble.
Can I just exchange this brain in for a new one please?! Lol.
Any help or advice would be great :))

[LisaH_NYC]

Like Deb, I am also sober from alcohol since 1996 and through everything with the pills and the detoxing from them, I never really considered drinking. From tons of AA meetings for the first 12 of my sober years, I really did learn, and come to believe, that I cannot EVER have another drink. I will die. I will not make it back to sobriety. I cannot drink even ONE drink safely. I rarely if ever think about drinking. Its simply not an option and now its easy to not consider it, miss it or dream about it.
With only 27 days away from pills, however, the only part of your post that I really remember is how you can get them anywhere anytime u want... the addict in me is jealous of u and yet If that was me, I would be using. I truly know I cannot be anywhere near opiates, go to new doctors, or even know that anyone has opiates or I would be in serious dog doo. I am not that strong yet. I have to believe there is NO supply for me anywhere, its not available to me, my drug addict brain will crave them and want them but my newly clean brain has to believe I cannot get them and so there is no option. its hard right now. I feel much better from the wds, so now my mind is occupied with cravings. Its the normal cycle. So are drug dreams. I had drunk dreams for about a year or so steadily after I got sober from booze, and I assume the same will happen with opiates. Remember those dreams are just dreams: the nightmare is if you really do pick up and have to start all over. Its easier to stay clean then to get clean. I have to believe that.

[clean_in_ks]

The only way we get to keep "it"......is by giving it away.

We cannot help another.....without helping ourselves.

[Done610]

Thanks for sharing. I have 8 days today. I needed to hear this. Im sure it will get better. Keep on keeping on.

[ricart70]

I dreamt one time that they were selling big jars of oxy at walmart for 40 bucks. lol    I had a cart full.

[selfinduced]

Ricart , You are so dead on! Man, what a powerful thing this brain of ours is. Can't agree more. So nyce to wake up and realize......IT WAS JUST A DREAM...WHEW! I will tell you those dreams will go away.

[ricart70]

This dreaming about drugs stuff is actually a good sign and part of the healing. I believe it is your addict mind's last ditch effort and only way of recreating the drug experience . It knows you are not giving in . It knows it's power is diminishing. The only choice it has is to work through your subconscious.in your dreams. Soon it will give that up and probably try something else but just hang in there and do not use. This is all quite normal.
When you wake up and realize you did  not actually use that should make you feel great.    

[VICourageous]

Hey Back. Considering our long life using. I will say for me, I do all that is mentioned above. BUT The biggest thing for me is knowing about this disease. Not so much on the neurotransmitter now because this is balancing out..But it is the Pleasure Part of the Brain (survival). I can not believe if I have dreams or around users or even know the drugs are close. That little tape in the Brain Plays the "I feel good" or "Just one". I get so baffled that it can keep playing this over & over if it is temped. It does s**k for sure.I know it must ease up in time. I have not had a alcohol drink in over 8 years and I do not crave this at all.I am telling you the truth. I am days away from putting 9 months behind. I thought I could go see my friends that I have know for 40 yeas and they still use or drink this month. Wrong!!! I played h**l and had to run fast.It really put me in a spin. So now I am hitting my meetings a lot more like I was in my first 7 months.So just beware of situations and fight for your life..Re-directing your self fast is a good one. It only takes a min to think of the drugs and a min to re-direct..Hang tight and Congratulations on your days. You have come far!!

[Back2Me]

I have a huge support system with my family. I am open and honest about everything always have been with my immediate family. And they are watching me every day. I know myself and I know I need to stay busy and focus on other things that are improving my life and that's what I am doing but yeah those dreams are the worse. I do feel stronger in the day most of the time but there have been day where if I WANTED to be a sneaky liar I could have really been bad and already caved. But that's not me. My accountability to my family keeps me going and so does my drive to better myself. Still there is just no way around these cravings when they come  I guess, just have to stay focused.

[ariley13]

Hey buddy! I don't really have any sage words to offer. I just want to offer some support. We quit at the same time, so I'm right there with you. I do have the occasional craving. The dreams have been the kicker lately. You know, the dream where the light comes down from the heavens and shines right on the bottle of ( insert DOC here ) and the angels start singing? That one! I had it last night and woke up in a sweat reminiscent of early wds. I immediately got on this site and lurked around. It helped. I know that you are not a meetings kind of fellow. Are you doing any counseling? I vaguely remember you saying that you were. What about religion? I know that church has been known to help some. Other than that, the only thing that I can offer is maybe give back a little as deb said. It doesn't have to be on here. Go and see about volunteering at a homeless shelter, or a soup kitchen. I know that you are busy with job, wife, and child, but giving back just a little can do wonders for the soul.Hang in there. I hope that you find your path through this soon.

[debsgotcurves]

PS  just want to clarify:  when I say "sober"  I meant from alcohol.

[hydro_fool]

I agree with the others above.  Also keep in mind that this is "normal" for the first year so stop beating yourself up.  Instead.... know that this is the drugs talking and for the first year you can be well aware of the fact that it is not something wrong with you, but rather the damage/control that the drugs cause.     After the first year the thoughts will get less and less, but never forget it is them calling and not YOU calling them.  

Knowing this moving forward is huge!   It will allow you to know its the drugs talking and not something wrong with you okay?

H.F.

[debsgotcurves]

My best advice is reach out to others. The best way to get out of your own head is to help someone else.  Have you considered meetings NA/AA?  For me it is the best way. When I see another newcomer struggling and white-knuckling it, it helps me to help them. Sometimes someone just needs someone to listen. Listen to their story, buy them lunch, whatever you can do. You will forget your own sh** for a while I promise.  Get on here and respond to questions, etc.  It works for me.  I am new here, but been around recovery for a long time.  I got sober in 1996, and am still sober today.  I have isolated myself from meetings bc I had started using pills and then got on methadone to get off the pills.  So to be back in a recovery community, even online, is awesome to me.  The last few days the first thing I want to do when I wake up is check my messages and check on the couple friends I've already made here. I don't think about my dose for the day or the anxiety of tapering off, or anything else. I am anxious to check on friends and see how they are doing. It's great!! So find someone to help, anywhere!!!! It will help YOU!  Good luck and congrats!!!

[weaver71]

I think you are feeling why we suggest aftercare so much. Unstuffing the feelings and confronting our shortcomings and strengths was the hardest part for me. Detox was very intense, 90 days to feel pretty good, 6 months to get motivated, and I can say the compulsive thinking and obsessive behavior are fading at one year. I worked a very strong program the first 6 months. At 120 days I would have failed, if it was not for the system I put in place earlier. I am trading my brain in for a new one. I had no idea what being sober was, I had no past time to return to for comfort. To me, recovery is a journey of recreating myself, a whole new me. I know some early relapse symptoms(pre-use symptoms), I have discovered my triggers, and have accountability and a plan for those future days you're talking about. I can get pills any time, there's no way around it. I told everyone, but I know they are there if I ask. I had to come up with something more than not using and finding new friends. I have to be aware and in the moment. I have to see the sign way ahead of time and by dealing with some of the things I was escaping, it is getting easier. What kind of aftercare have you tried?