do the veterns get tired of people like me?

[Pjtwenty]

I'm tired of me. Clean nine months and relapsed about the first of Feb this year. I've been abusing ny favorite doc, hydrocodone. Not nearly as bad as before but still it's active addiction!  I'd go a week using 30-50 mg a day then nothing for two days then start all over again.
Here I am now 50hrs clean feeling like poop. I want to use bad, but there's nothing to get!  Lol

I guess that's better than having them right?  I'm just so freaking pissed at myself. I can't even explain how angry I am with me. Once again I'm letting myself down and so many others!  

[bama88]

Were not tired of you pj..im just so concerned for your health....AND IM JUST LIKE YOU....IM AN ADDICT. .

whats the real reason you choose to use??? What are you desperaltey running away from??  There is a reason your choosing to keep using... and its bigger than you know....when your ready to invest in yourself and find the answer to that things will start to change.....

and the way your justifying your relapse scares me.....I used to do the same thing....and all I did was nothing....I would talk the talk but I didnt want to walk it...its easier to use than not.....its too easy.

theres a strong statement. ...when you r ready your ready...when youve finally had enough youll stop.....whats YOUR BREAKING POINT...or maybe you dont have one so youll have to hit bottom.....but whats the bottom....

ive seen some people who dont have bottoms.....theres a girl I know that went to jail...went to jail and did 3 years....first day she was back on drugs... and stayed in drugs until she went back to jail....ovrr and over...now thats sad. She has nothing. I mean NOTHING....

she never ever wanted to stop.....now shes forced too.

addiction will take you to new lows in your life....
addiction has one goal.....
addiction will lie to you and make you a lier...

Whats it gonna take for you to stop..

im rough on you cause I care.

I was so bad I dont even know why im alive...really....

please invest in yourself. Until you make that a priority. ..nothing will change...you must make a choice.

[dominosarah]

As always, great post!

Every single day we get up we make a choice to use or not to use.  Thankfully today i made the right choice.  We are all on the same playing field here.

[penny1974]

I would hope that (vets) don't get tired of people or us who make mistakes and come here feeling safe to express ourselves. Being honest and to try to do the right thing. Having encouraging words to help us along our journey.  Whether it seeking comfort, advice or to get that push we need to take the jump. A place of no judgment.  I have read some wonderful things from strangers that show support to a lot of us. And have learned a lot.  I wish you the best on your choises and hope you work hard on getting were you want to be.  Never give up and always push forward to a new and brighter day

[keith600]

"do the veterans get tired of people like me",,lol,, we ARE people like you, that's why you should consider all of the replies. "the therapeutic value of one addict helping another"

[dominosarah]

I am not tired of you, i am tired of your excuses.  You said you relapsed again but not nearly as bad as before.  A relapse is a relapse, dont glamorize it.  I havent seen one good thing come out of active addiction, i have seen many die.  You talk about the people you love but i never hear you speak of love for yourself.  That has to come first before you can ever repair anything in your life.  Time to quit feeling sorry for yourself and get yourself the help you need.  We all know you are worth it, now you have to realize that.

[OpenMind24hours]

You asked if the vets get tired of you. I never considered myself a vet because all I got is today. Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery. I just need to stay clean today. First one out of bed this morning has been clean the longest in my thinking. And nobody who has the true spirit of this wonderful forum will NEVER get tired of you. Sounds like you got CRD (chronic relapse disease). When I got here I had the same d a m n CRD disease. I went through 3 relapses, came on here, went back to NA meetings and now I finally got some decent clean time. We're all here to help, and most of us see a post like this and we spring into action. We live to help and we help to live.

Looks like you got some great stuff to ponder in the above posts written by peeps who will love you until you learn to love yourself. Loving yourself is very important. "nothing changes if nothing changes". Learning who we really are (like in finally getting to meet ourselves), accepting ourselves, and then living our lives as the real person we are inside, will do wonders for a person suffering from addiction complicated with CRD.  A person who learns how to do that and then really accomplishes it, can't help but change. As practicing addicts we get stagnant. We get sick of ourselves. We don't want us around any more. So we use. When we use we don't have to face ourselves or life on life's terms. That's why change to an addict is like chemo to a person stricken with a curable type of cancer. The chemo will stop the cancer from spreading. For us, without change we're just miserable and then we die.

I go to NA/ AA. I didn't know a thing about my life-long disease of addiction until I got there. I read the books and listened to others and how they stay clean. It doesn't work unless you work it. Glad you posted my friend. Keep reaching out. Don't give up when your miracle is right around the next corner.

[kyle505]

Hey - don't misunderstand. You need to be here, even if you're just considering recovery or reading the posts. As with most on this forum, I failed for over 15 years. I'd quit, swear that I'd never get "that bad" again, find a way to get pills, and I was off. Or, I'd convince myself that I could take the pills per the script. Each and every time it was a lie; deep down I knew it but kept it up for years and years.
You are slowly killing yourself; you are jamming wedges between you and the people you love. The longer you use, the wider the gaps, the more time wasted, the harder it is to repair the damage.
K

[quitinoxys]

ON you received great advice here so I am not going to reiterate it except AFTERCARE is key. If you don't have it you will stop using another 100 times.

[meegWpaw]

im not tired of you either PJ.  I understand about thinking you can do a little or 'some' and then get right back up and get clean.  I can tell you one thing that thinking has not worked out too well for me.  here in support of you

[gnarly_1]

Hey girl  good to see you  but I wish it where on better terms...you need to learn from your mistakes....as for your question no I never give up on people....you dont loose the war if your still willing to fight the thing is the desire to get clean must be greater then the desire to use or this wont work you know the drill but please for your own sake of mind try something new like N/A I had a substance abuse counselor for 3 yrs and still struggled it is when I made my commitment to N/A that things started to change it works if you work it IF I where you give it the old college try give it 3 meetings b/4 you decide it is or isnot going to help[ you will be welcome with a hug and be around other people just like you in various stages of recovery ...''one addict helping another addict is without parallel'' we will be her no mate what you do but wouldent be nice to be here 1 yr from know and be clean I wish you all the luck in the world keep posting for support..........Gnarly

[ricart70]

Hang in there PJ !  Do whatever you were doing when you had the 9 months, and do A LOT of it.  Get clean and clear headed and decide what to do from there.  

[Pjtwenty]

Thanks everyone. Kyle you have me wondering why I'm here. I can't honestly answer that question but u got me thinking.

Loneliness , fears, anxiety those are the major reasons I guess. That and not really knowing what Iwant out of my mmarriage. It's been all kinds of messed up for the past fee years with the latest greatest her cheating on me. So yeah I have a lot of figuring out to do. Lol.

[CRSeaside]

What's drawing you back in?  Pain ? Surgery ? Boredom?
   Do you need depression medicine? Are you self medicating?
  You mentioned a therapist.  NAMI has support groups & they are free.
  How about your social life? Do you take pills because you are lonely?
  It's just time to get honest with yourself.
  I've used the pain pills for all of the above reasons. I'm not proud but I am telling the truth to you & to myself.
  Pills are not good for your body.  So you need to work on your self esteem.
We don't poison ourselves when we feel good about ourselves. Right?

[ariley13]

We aren't tired of you PJ. We love you dude. I have to agree with Kyle. I'm sure there is someone out there that has stayed clean and still had access, but I have yet to meet anyone like that. Knowing in the back of your mind that you can get a little something if things get too rough is just setting yourself up for disaster if you ask me. I deal with this on almost a daily basis, because my true DOC is alcohol and it's EVERYWHERE! I have to be very cognizant and self aware. If I'm in a mood, overly stressed, or know it's going to be an extremely emotional day I will plan my day to totally avoid even walking by somewhere where alcohol is sold. There have even been days where I have banished myself to the house because I know the urge will be strong. We have to set ourselves up for success, not failure.

I know you are going to get there. I have faith in you. Now it's time for you to have a little faith in yourself. Make some changes and get yourself right my friend. We are all here for you so don't be a stranger.

[kyle505]

"I always feel like I can just do it a few times then quit and maybe try again in six months to a year". I told myself that same lie, the same load of BS for over 15 years. Too much time wasted, too many regrets - time away from my children and family that I can never, ever get back. Please don't do the same thing I did. You are playing games and you know it.
And yeah, you need to get to real aftercare - you have to focus on your addiction, and eventually you will better yourself, if and when you are in recovery.
K

[Pjtwenty]

Thanks Kyle. I needed to hear that!!!

[kyle505]

As long as you have a source, you'll use. Now, that isn't a blanket statement (I've been reminded many times that not everyone reacts like I do), but I feel very strongly about it. If you don't cut your sources, and I mean look way in to the future and see what may be coming down the road, then you'll continue to relapse. We addicts are very clever when it comes to getting our drugs. So, things like telling your secret and aftercare are very important. And cutting ALL of your sources, current and future, means that you'll not be able to get any (easily) even during a weak moment.
Personally, I don't get tired of people like you. You are an addict, I'm an addict, so we're in this together, however, I DO get a little frustrated when people don't listen. They know d a m n well what they're doing, or that they have no intention to stop, they're just here looking for support until the refill is ready or until their dealer gets home. I'm not implying that you fall in to that category, but you asked the question.
This is a great place; lots of positive support and great advice from your fellow addict, but it all means diddly unless YOU want to stop. You know what to do, and if you leave just one of the steps out, then you are not sincere; your addict's brain is in control.
All the best.
K

[Pjtwenty]

Well my honest answer is gonna get my head tore off!!  Lol
I always feel like I can just do it a few times then quit and maybe try again in six months to a year. I know that is stupid but that's what I think.
My aftercare has been seeing a therapist but it's not just about my addiction more about bettering myself. Maybe I need to find a different therapist.

[VICourageous]

Oh PJ..I just do not know what to say. YOU have been on here for a long time now..YOU know the drill and what we have to do to stay clean..It takes a LOT of work..ARE U Really working hard at it?? Have you gotten any our side support?? If you are buying these meds from the street or even the DR you did not tell your secrets or cut your sources..We have to have support and be honest about our Addiction.
Other then that, I am glad to see you reaching out.  lol
Be Safe my Friend before it is too late.
Bless

[lulu747]

Being angry with yourself is not very productive.  You can better use that energy to get a plan in place to set yourself up for success.  Us veterans on this site can attest to the fact that the people that return over and over are usually those that do not set up some form of aftercare in order to deal with the reasons they used in the first place.  Detox is just the first brave step towards sobriety.  The real work it takes to stay sober is done in aftercare of some variety.  Research the different options out there (there are many) and choose one that works for you and stick to it.  It takes more courage than you think that you have but trust me when I say that you are worth it, that your life is worth it.  The scariest thing about relapse is that every time you do it makes you feel sh*^tier about yourself and also your chance of OD'ing is much higher.  Please do something to get support and make this your last detox.  And beating yourself up is a waste of energy.  It is love and compassion for yourself that will save your life. You can do this.
Sending Support...
Lu