Vicodin and how I feel now being rapidly detoxed

[Rebekkah]

I am desperate, please reply if you have any ideas.  I have been on Vicodin for about fifteen months and nine days ago was rapidly detoxed. I had a long history of depression etc for many years.  I was prescribed Vicodin ES for migraines and chronic hip pain for these last 15 months. Before the vicodin, I was tried on every combination known to man and psychopharmacology never proved to be beneficial. About fifteen months ago, I was hospitalized at Cedars sinai Psych unit for depression, cutting and suicidal ideations.  I was perscribed 100mg od demerol for about 33 days which would addict anyone to narcotics.  They switched me to Vicodin and supprisingly enough during the time I was on the Vicodin all of those intolerable feelings of wanting to end my life went away. I was fully functional, I also happen to be a medical professional which makes the whole situation worse.  I am not at all in trouble at work for this Vicodin issue.  They don't even know about it.  My issue now is that the feelings of cutting myself and wanting to take my life are back and very strong. I have a PHD and an aneshesiologist which believe the treatment is psychotherapy and more psych meds. I am tired of that. I just want to end it. I'm nervous about going back on Vicodin because that type of drug is not acceptable to society but the drugs that they want me one prozac etc are useless to me. My delemma Vicodin vs suicide.   Thank you for listening.

[Jerry to Rebekkah]

Rebekkah,
Thanks for the reply.  I have to be honest, I'm too afraid to call you.  It was huge hurdle for me just to respond to this forum.  I'm definately not ready to talk about it aloud.  It took months until I admitted to myself that I had/have a problem and it's very hard for me to even type about it.  I'm sorry.  I know I'm a wus, but... <sigh>.  Thank you so much for your support.  I may take you up on the offer later on if I become stronger inside.  Right now the anonymity is the only thing that comforts me.  Meanwhile let's keep eachother posted here as we go on.  -Jerry

[Rebekkah to Jerry]

It was such a relief to read your story. Of course, I would never wish anyone else to have this Opiate issue, but it feels more tolerable to know that I am not the only medical professional that is or has battled with Vicodin. I also work in Southern California as a nurse.  If you ever want to talk in confidence with me about this issue call me at [phone]. I know that I shouldn't give such personal info but I am going to take this chance because I would really like to talk with you and it might help you to know that your not alone either.  So, if your willing to take a chance give me a call. Take care of yourself and again anything you tell me if you call will be kept in the stricted confidence ok. Take care of yourself and thanks for the reply.               Rebekkah

[tom to Rebekkah]

so glad to hear from you! I knew if you could talk to your doctor the way you talked to us, you would get some meaningful help. I learned something from your last post. Opiate deficiency? I've thought that, tolerance and physcial dependence aside, I simply felt "normal" when I took a relatively small dose of an opiate -- not euphoric, but just ... complete. I'm going to check into this ... thanks for the tip. Keep in touch.

[Jerry]

Rebekkah,
I am also a medical professional (an emergency physician in southern california) who was addicted to Vicodin.  Hearing your story was supprising as I too have had a life long battle with depression (maybe it's better characterized as disthymia).  I have tried psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, and multiple medications but nothing helped.  I have felt suicidal many time, but would never do it; I just wish[ed] I was dead.  About 2 year ago I saw a patient who had a bad reaction to Vicoden and gave me her bottle to throw away.  I didn't throw it away.  I tried it, and as you said, my depression and social anxiety went away.  I was floored.  I thought, "Wow, THIS is probably how MOST people feel!"  I started enjoying my work and enjoying my family so much more.  Well, I started using vicoden weekly, then daily, then up to 12 pills a day.  I realized it was a problem about 6 months ago, and recently I tapered myself off over 3 days it and am now clean, but terrible depressed (for some odd reason I did not experience any of the classic opiate withdrawl symptoms).  I have not shared my problem with friends, family or colleagues.  I do not feel I can even though I know some of the other physicians I work with have had the same problem.  Unlike you, I don't feel that my choice is suicide or vicodin, and I know that if I keep taking vicodin I will destroy my liver and die, so it's not an option anymore either.  I just don't know what to do.  I guess I'm just writing, Rebekkah, to let you know that you're not alone and my thoughts are with you.  Please please let me know what is happening with you.

[Rebekkah]

Hello everyone, I just wanted to thank all of you for your support, concern, prayers and all the time taken to respond to my issue. I only wish that I had all of you for my close friends.  I am doing well, no more suicidal ideations which is a G-d sent.  I have read all of the responses and all of the support from everyone in the forum was the one deterrent from my committing suicide. I cannot thank you all enough!!!  I have  recently seen a psychologist, a physician who specializes in physical pain, the Waisman Institute who did the rapid detox as well as my own family physician who I have known for 13 years.  All have come up with the idea that I probably am opiate deficient but as I mentioned before there is not enough study on the subject of opiate defiency. So, to make a long story short, I am being prescribed Vicodin once again.  I am not happy with myself that I seem to need opiates to function normally. However, if this is what it takes to not experience depression, suicidal ideations etc on a daily basis than I will take the Vicodin. To weigh the lesser of two evils. I would rather resign myself to taking Vicodin rather than death.  At least I am alive and functional!!  The one issue that I do need to work on is the amount that I take.  Opiate dependency is a progressive disease which means that it requires more and more to get the same feeling. So, in short, I need to reprogram my thinking about the reason for taking the Vicodin; getting that high feeling vs taking an appropriate amount to maintain my emotional stability.  At some point I will try again to come off of the vicodin, but for now I have been advised to stay on it. Unfortunantly, what I have observed is that opiate deficiency is a hush hush disorder which I believe is due to the fact that the FDA does not allow the prescribing of opiates for psychiatric symptoms. Hopefully, that will change or maybe someday soon a new med will come on the market that will deal specifically with this problem.  Thankyou again for all of the support and I will keep in touch via this forum. Just to let you know, medical professionals like myself are great when it comes to handling others issues, but most of us are incompetent to say the least when it comes to healing ourselves.

[tamra]

I have been on them for 7 years and Iam going in to rehav to try to get off of them Iam also on soma, ultrm, and zanax, and  prozac and can't even name them all and I get them for my workerscomp doc I hope you get though this good luck.