Hi, I'm 26, a mom of 3, a wife, a student and an addict. Those really don't seem like they mesh well with the latter one, but I really do feel I do a very good job considering.
Bit of my back story before my question(s). I have probably been taking vicodin for about 6 years or so. It was sometime after I got over PPD with my second child. I used to smoke pot with my girlfriends occasionally as opposed to drinking (I hate being drunk) but then it started giving me panic attacks, so I stopped. I guess vicodin took its place. It wasn't a daily addiction until about a year into the recreational fun of it. So for 5 years daily I would say. I did however stop when I was 9 weeks pregnant with my youngest (who is now 14 months) by tapering off from 12 pills a day to none over a 5 week period and managed to not only have no noticeable withdrawals, but stay clean. I took I think maybe 5 over a 2 week course when I was 32 weeks pregnant for horrible back pain, which amazingly didn't "awaken" my addiction and I was pretty proud of myself for doing it all on my own. Here is where my trouble came back. I always missed my little addiction and only quit out of concern for the health of the baby I was carrying. I really couldn't wait to be able to take a pill here or there guilt free when he weaned (I am a huge believer in breastfeeding for at least one year). After I had the baby, 2 different doctors in the hospital, plus my regular doctor and the hospital pediatrician both informed me that if I didn't take more than 3-4 vicoprofens a day during my postpartum recovery, the nursing child shouldn't have any ill effects but just to watch him to make sure as every baby and body is different. That combined with some research is all it took to start again. And happily at that. Currently, I take maybe 1.5-2 7.5/200 vicoprofen a day. Sometimes this is supplemented with 5/500 and 5/350 of normal vicodin when I am out of those. My doctor seemingly writes me 30 a month happily and combined with what my husband gets from his doctor for me, I am always set on my supply. And have been for the past 14 months.
So question number one. All of a sudden, they seem to be causing me anxiety attacks. I'm no stranger to those and can cope pretty well through one, but they are getting worse and more often. The only time I even seem to have them is when I am alone with the kids or by myself. If my husband or a friend or a family member is with me, I don't get them. But it does always seem to be when I am alone that about an hour after taking some vicodin they show up. It's seriously starting to affect my life and daily activities. They are at a point now where .5mg of Xanax does absolutely nothing for them. I tried starting a daily long term manager for them, but after finding I am allergic to both Lexapro and Celexa, I've given up on sheer fear of having a severe allergic reaction from any other one that is suggested for me to try. Why is this? Is there anything I can do for it at all? I really would love any suggestions and information on controlling it. It's completely different from the withdrawal anxiety I get when I need a pill, that one I can cope and function with. But maybe because I always have some or know I have some at home for later on.
Also, for those that have quit, what made you do it? I know this is an addiction that I will eventually need to give up for some reason or another. I can't go on until I die with it. But did any of you ever *want* to actually stop? And why? I love my pills, I truly do, and I love the wonderful tingly feeling I get in my belly when they kick in and the instant "upper" it gives me. If I can't solve my anxiety by any other means, I feel this is the road I may have to take and the thought makes me sad. I'm so attached to them. According to my husband and friends I've known since I was little, I don't have the typical mood swings of an addict and if I had never told them, they would never have noticed anything different about me. How did you guys cope with the fiending mentally? And with the physical symptoms? I don't get belly cramps and achy muscles, but I do get wicked sweaty, shaky and the hot-tingly feeling.
Thanks ahead of time, I know I wrote quite a book here.