What have I done to myself?

[LeighAnn55]

I have been taking Vicoprofen and Lortab on and off for several years now. I would just take them every now and then, just to have a little extra energy. I managed to get my dr to prescribe me Darvocet. I would take 2-4 a day. After a while, that wasn't enough to pacify me. So, I asked him for Vicoprofen. I told him I had horrible periods with a great deal of pain, and I needed them. I do have horrible cramping, but not so bad that I can't control the pain with just Advil. Well, he gave me a script for 30 Vicoprofen (7.5 of hydrocodone). He wrote the script for 1 every 3-4 hours as needed for pain, with 5 refills. I abused them and took them two at a time. I refilled them more often that 30 days, and called in for a refill after about 3 to 4 months. Sometimes I would run out and go through WD. The WD usually put me in the bed for about 3-4 days, feeling like I had the flu. Anyway to get to my current situation, I called my dr on 9/20 and asked for another script. Of coarse he gave it to me, and I took it. Here it is 10/30, about 5 weeks later, and I have used up 150 pills. My pharmacy would only let me get a refill every 7 days. So for the past two days I have only had one Lortab 10mg, that I stole from my mother's prescription (she would NEVER give them to me). I feel like death! Matter of fact, I feel like death would be so much easier than feeling like this. The GUILT is overwhelming. I have two beautiful, wonderful children...a son who is 15 and a daugher who is 10. They are both sooo good, and more than a mother could ask for. My husband, of 12 years, is my best friend. He is so supportive, but doesn't know what to do to help me. He has never been addicted to anything (alcohol, tobaccoo...not anything). Nor, has he ever been involved with an addict. We are closing on our new house either Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. I don't know where to turn. I feel like I have had the life sucked out of me. I feel like I could crawl out of my skin. I feel like I'm shaking, but I'm not. I feel cold. I feel so sick to my stomach, but am not throwing up. I have a massive headache. I have NO ENERGY whatsoever. I don't have any desire for anything, except more medicine to make these feelings go away. I can't go to a rehab facility, as I have to be here for my children...although I don't know what good I'm doing for them. They aren't aware of what's making me feel this way, they just think I've got some type of bug. I can't sleep, but I don't feel like staying awake. I would love to die, just so I wouldn't have to feel this way, but I want to live as I know this too shall pass.
I have read some of the stories in this forum, but the reality of knowing it could get worse makes me stop reading. I have 30 more pills sitting at the pharmacy right now waiting to be picked up. I know this is the last of the last. I know I'm done. I just don't know what to do with the 30 pills sitting there. Do I have my husband go pick them up and give me one a day? What will I do then? I know that if he picks them up and vows to give me one a day, I am very capable of talking him into giving me more. He can't stand to see me suffer. I can't stand my own self, for making him suffer...I'm no good for him anymore. I hardly cook dinner, I never clean the house. All I do is laundry, take my children to school, and pick them up from school. I feel so worthless, and I don't know where to start on my road to recovery.
I know this probably doesn't make since. But this is my life at the moment. Total chaos...not knowing what the next hour is going to be like. ...hating myself for putting my family through this....I totally suck.
Please someone tell me this will get better, tell me what to do, tell me what to expect. Help!

[LeighAnn55]

Thank you so much for asking. It means alot. Well the slacker that I have become, went ahead and got the refill. I spread them out and suffered a few WD's, but then I would take 2,3, or 4 once a day, so I would feel good for a few hours. Some days I just took 1, and it gave me a little relief. I guess it's kinda like shooting myself in the foot. Of coarse, the only thing I know how to do...when it comes to doing for myself...is backwards!
I borrowed a few from my Mom, without asking...shame on me, and now tomorrow will be my first day without any. No more refills...nothing.
My husband went to GNC and got the items for the Thomas Recipe, so I'll have to let you guys know how that goes. For the L-Tyrosine...it says the daily dosage is 500mg, however the Thomas Recipe says 2000, and up to 4,000. So I think I'm going to do 1,000mg of it for the first day, of coarse with the B6, and then I'm going to take a multivitamin (for 50 and over....I'm only 35) along with some extra Magnesium. I also take Levoxyl and Cymbalta. I'm hoping it doesn't interact with either of those. I'm kinda scared to do this Thomas recipe thing, but then again...I'm kinda scared not too. I HATE WD'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with a passion!
Any words of advice will be appreciated, as I'm sure I will be in the bed for the most part of the week, along side my laptop, iced pepsi, immodium, cold rags, and the piles of pj's that I have sweat through (if ya know what I mean). I'm dreading this.
I hope all of you recovering addicts are doing GREAT! One day I'll be in your shoes! I can't wait! Tomorrow is DAY 1.
Good night!

[GottaQuit]

Hi LeighAnn,

How are you doing?   How was your weekend?

So many people here care about you and want/need to hear how you're holding up?  We understand and have either felt or are feeling the same as you ... Please keep us posted!  

XOXO

[sid3]

It may help you to cancel the refill, it will make you feel better by showing your husband your comitted to stopping. Thirty pills aren't enough for a slow taper and would just prolong your wds.IMO Your already in wds, so starting up again would just leave you having to start all over again. Your being so hard on yourself. That is going to make everything that much harder. You have a disease, it can be treated. With time your active addiction will just be a memory. I think you should start being kind to yourself. Your family would not be better off without you, they will be better off without you using. Big difference.  Many people have detoxed off of much more than what you've been using. Keep posting, there are a lot of other people going through the same thing. And the support you will get here is priceless.

[nascarfan2488]

This was and still is the hardest thing I EVER had to do... Googzy I still sometimes feel like you do. Halloween is tomorrow, the first sorta holiday with out pills. I wonder how this is going to go. Usually I would pop a few pills and everything seemed more fun. All I think about is that I dont want to ever go through the WD ever again. I hope that will be enough to get me through. So good luck to everyone out there who needs a little push to stay clean.

[RionV]

I'm new here, but I am 4 days clean with no hydrocodone or morphine after almost 3 years of abuse.
I know it feels like a chore to just brush your teeth, but I found if I just PUSHED myself to at least take a hot bath, and brush my teeth, it helped me feel better.
I thought I was going to lose it yesterday evening, as I have not been sleeping and just everything was overwhelming, but with that day, I arrived today knowing I could battle it.

[googzy]

I too am withdrawing and too lost all my ambitions and life got sucked outta me. I've been in the house for 6 days and have only left twice. I was taking g
ten pills at once every day... Sometimes i'd take more, but rarely less. I'm finally down to 6 pills a day, and have been feeling ****** the whole time. All I wanna do is pop ten in my mouth and go out and have a great time, but I don't do that anymore... I take ten and just hermit away inside the house and ignore the world. I'm proud of the progress I'm making and I'm still fighting the urge every day.

Eventually all feelings pass with time and I'll be myself again. I'm starting to feel it, the life slowly start to creep back into me... But it's not so much the addiction and withdrawals that bother me... It's the desire to get high and want to be high that's hard!

[LeighAnn55]

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I'm so glad I found this site. It truly is already a blessing. Thank you for the prayers nascarfan2488. I too worked in a dr's office up until a few months ago. I ended up quitting, due to the temporary WD's I would have to go through...not able to get out of bed and go to work. Things would get better, and then they would get worse. I now feel the bottom. I'm tired of falling. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of the viscous cycle. Each time it gets harder. I'm sooo done...but I just need insight and support and the renewing of faith that it will get better. Thank you all so much.
Leigh Ann in SC

[nascarfan2488]

I had to quit pills because I worked for a Dr. office and called my own meds in for about 6 months. The pharmacy some how thought something was up and called my drs office while i was working... BIG MESS I was so scared I bolted right out of there. 3 weeks later I got a visit from the State Police. And that in a nutshell is how it all began. And you know what? Best thing that ever happened to me. The first 2 weeks were bad not so much physical but more mental. but now 47 days clean, im glad it happened. So just hang in there if the WD are the worst thing you really have to go through for a bit, You will be happy you did it.
Take care and I will be praying for you...

[gizzy32]

Remember once you get clean and feeling better physically, the rest will follow. Stop being so hard on yourself, but I understand. Most of us hated who we became during active use, we are not ourselves. I was not even close to the same person, I was so selfish and only cared about ME at that time. Life became unmanagable and the world lost all color. I realized that the guilt was one of the biggest things keeping me down, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, but with recovery it is one step at a time. It is a blessing you found this site and now it's up to you. Be proud of yourself right now, like I said, you just took a big step here today and that will help you get better

P.S. Cancel that refill. Oh I already said that:)

[LeighAnn55]

Thank you Matt. Currently my husband is my only real friend, as no one else knows the depth of my addiction. I'm ashamed and embarresed. I'm not me anymore. I don't have any desires. I used to love to be outsite. I loved crafting (crocheting, knitting, sewing). I loved gardening. I loved talking on the phone. I loved going out to dinner. I loved putting on make-up, fixing my hair, getting my nails done. Now...I don't care for anything. I know this is sick, but it's a chore just to brush my teeth. I'm lifeless and desperate. I feel so guilty for living. I know my family would be better off without me, without the person I have become. I hope and pray that one day I will enjoy life again, and my present will only be a memory. I'm so afraid of the journey I'm taking right now. None of it makes since...and the timing couldn't be any worse. But here I am...and here I go.
I hate that other people have endured what I'm enduring, but it helps to know that I'm not alone.

[TakingAction]

Hello.

It sounds like you have had enough.  I too just arrived at a point in my life when I had to ask that question: "What have I done to myself?"

The only way to end it is to take a leap of faith and quit.  I know it is daunting.  As terrbile as withdrawl can be, it is only temporary, and then you will be amazed at how your life starts to clean itself up.  Part of addition is this feeling of helplessness, that you are simply unable to do it.  That is an illusion.  

My advice to you would be to get your husband on board and set yourself up for detox.  It won't be that bad and their are many tools that can help you.  After a week or so, things will drastically improve and continue to get better from there.  I promise that you are strong enough to handle this.  You have come to the right place.  This forum got me through and I have remained clean.  There are hard days, but so worth the initial discomfort of sobriety.

Keep posting and utilize all the info on your journey.  Good luck to you and keep in touch.

Matt

[LeighAnn55]

Thank you so much gizzy. I'm squaling my eyes out, and I need to hear this.

[gizzy32]

P.S. Would you hubby come on and read some posts too. I know it's hard for someone that does not know addiction to understand, but maybe he could give you some tough love to help you get through this, sounds fun huh, lol. Just a thought.

[gizzy32]

Addiction is so sneaky and progressive as you have found out. This is a big step admitting you have a problem and an addict too. We know how it feels and your so right about the guilt, it can be overwhelming at times, but with some perseverance and a plan we DO overcome this, but it does take a bit of work.

I would suggest since you have only taken 1 each day for the past 2 days, maybe you should try to stick it out at this point and cancel that refill? With it sitting there, it's so tempting to go get. You are lucky to have a supportive husband and you will start feeling better in a few days, normally the worst is over in less than a week for most. Have you looked in the health pages here in the top right? The thomas recipe helps many ease w/d's a bit.

Although w/d's are horrible, the hardest part I think is STAYING clean and that's why aftercare is so important, there are many options. Good luck and don't give in, your family needs you, but you have to do this for yourself.  Please hang in there, I promise you will heal and life will get better, but not until you stop this viscious cycle. You can do it:)