Emotionally torn, where to go now?

[CKN30]

I don't even know where to start. I have been up all night worrying, thinking, hurting over this. This journey that we are all an is not an easy one for sure. So here it goes, I may ramble. I started this journey alone (except you guys here thank you, so I shouldn't say all alone) but someone was going through the same thing in my life our withdrawls, struggling to quit etc., this person became so dear to me. I have talked to them every day of my sober road, we talked about our struggles, insecurities, victories everything. I was so trusting and vulnerable and I let them in, that bond when you can relate to what they are going through. There are times I would have taken a pill but instead I reached out to them. They knew my fears, wants, secrets, I really trusted them with everything that I am. Then I found out a few days ago that they were still using. I knew that they had used one time and I was understanding, I was supportive, "don't beat yourself up, dust it off, pick yourself back up, etc."  I know how being an addict is, you lie, deceit, hurt people you care about. I don't understand why they had to lie to me about this. I was going through it, had been through it. We bonded over it, I would not have judged them. I am sure they did not want to let me down but knowing they lied to me day after day. I just feel like everything was a lie. So here I am struggling, usually I would go to them, I just feel lost. Now they are trying to quit, back to day one. A part of me wants to be there, to support them, cheer them on but a part of me feels so used and betrayed. I hate to give up on them when they were my rock ( and I thought I was being theirs).  Right now I am so hurt and I don't know the truth from lies. So do I beat myself up for being so trusting and caring about them, for letting them in. Do I resent them knowing when I was struggling to be sober and they pretended to know what I was going through and in all reality they were popping pills? Or do I forgive them, help them on this road? I just keep thinking was everything a lie, did they even care at all. Then I think of all of the times I didn't take a pill, at times I would have I would be letting myself down but the thought of letting them down made me not. I am grateful because I don't think I would be clean without their support, then I feel guilty because they did for me (helped me get clean) what I couldn't do for them, and then felt they had to deceive me. It wouldn't hurt so bad if I didn't care so much, but are my cares all based on lies? Like I said before I wouldn't have turned them away because of their struggles, I wanted to be there for them. How do I move past that and pick up the pieces, trust them, help them through? Or do I? I can't just stop caring but maybe I should. I am so torn and hurt :(

[CKN30]

In all reality I guess the whole thing has made me want to stay clean even more. I don't want to put the people I care about through the hell of lies and deceit again. Now I can appreciate what they went through.

[CKN30]

Thank you, it's all that darn southern hospitality our mommas taught us huh!

[toothfairie]

that's good!  just play it by ear and see how things go....you got this girl!!  hoping you feel better about things soon!  

[CKN30]

I do not see this jeopardizing my sobriety. I am very motivated and through all of this I think they respect the fact that I want to stay clean. I know the self destructing and deceitfut " out for yourself" mentality of an addict. I do feel that they sincerely cared though enough not to want to bring me down with them.

[toothfairie]

this is a good post....i would say yes, be very very cautious....if you see that it's a trigger just distance yourself....you can be kind and supportive to a point, but ultimately you need to take care of YOU....you are like most of us,  kind to a fault sometimes....nothing wrong with that until it jeopardizes your sobriety.  

[CKN30]

It's funny that guys are like "leave it alone" and girls "give them a break" for the most part.

[ricart70]

Yup what Kyle said !    You can still be that giving and caring person but when you give to and care for someone who is still using it always equals enabling.   You can still give and care for and help people who are actually trying and putting in the work themselves to stay clean. That would be a good place to spend the time instead of this person with whom you are now on a completely different wavelength.   We know you are a great eprson.We can tell that from your words and I am sorry that this has thrown you for a loop.It is totaly understandable and has happened to me I don't know how many times and still does. what I do now is as soon as I figure out they are still using,I then cut contact to the point of only talking or being around them when life makes it necessary to do so. Hope this helps. Hang in there friend  ;)

[kyle505]

Well, one thing that I see in the advice given is a strong recommendation that you distance yourself from that person. Whatever else you take from this, you really need to consider that.
K

[CKN30]

No regrets right! You live, you learn. Anytime you put yourself out there you got a 50/50 shot of getting burned I suppose :) so I guess I will just keep being me, a little more cautious me, but me!

[CKN30]

I can see there are really no right or wrong answers. Everyone's opinion varies so much. Everyone has given me wonderful advice, ultimately I have to make the decision I know. It's always been in my nature to be a giver, to be giving. Maybe it's a weakness maybe it's a strength, but it is what it is.  I just felt like I had been so cold and unemotional for so long. At the end of the day I guess I am thankful to still have the ability to be compassionate and care. If this didn't bother me then I don't guess I would be "getting back to me"

[ricart70]

Forgive them but do not attach yourself to them and do not do them any favors .I have tried this before and it always resulted in me going down with the sinking ship .  And above all as nighthawk said ..don't take it personally. It is easy for one to predict relapse because the prediction always has up to a 95% chance of being right and only a 5-10% chance of being wrong but if you have a quitting buddy you have an even bigger chance that one of you is not going to make it. Just try to take care of you right now friend. I will be doing the same ;)   hang in there and don't ever go back  

[meegWpaw]

Cira, I really hesitate to comment on the specifics because only you know what is meaningful to you and how to best handle it.  It sounds to me like you are leaning towards dissociating from this person, which I think is healthy.  It is so tempting to give your heart when you care so much about someone ... knowing the truth about them does not usually change our feelings, I have found ... However I think it could compromise your recovery to be involved.  I want the best for you.  I'm sorry gf I know it hurts.  Stay strong!  {{{hugs}}}

[Nighthawk61]

Hi there, it would serve you well to find yourself a good sponsor, who will be there for you in your time of need ~ someone whose sobriety you are more able to trust . Get to a same sex closed meeting, and start looking for someone that you feel you can trust. As for your friend, feel sorry for them and be thankful for the support you received, but distance yourself from this person being your primary support. Good luck with finding the right sponsor and congrats on your hard won sobriety. Just thank God it wasn't you in denial, forgive (for yourself) and move on from this. Please stick with people that have long standing sobriety in your new state of sobriety. If by chance you ever meet another that is lying to themselves and others ,don't take it personally. It's part of the disease.

[kyle505]

Take what was given to you and hold on to that. Now, if it were me, I'd try and help but would stay away as far as sharing my on going experience. At this point in your recovery it isn't safe to associate with someone who's using.
A lot of addicts, myself included, get to a point where that want to quit but aren't quite ready. They look for support and cling to people, or websites, that promote recovery.  I even think that some who come here are still using.
K

[Xcalibure]

I understand CK, one thing happens then you start looking at the whole and each thing you find hurts or makes you mad.  Just ask yourself if you believe this person is truly a friend.  If you think they are then you work it out with them.  Tell them how they have hurt you.  Maybe not immediately but perhaps they have some clean time and can think clearly.  Is this person going to sober up now?  If not, then you should really avoid that situation all together until they decide to.

[CKN30]

There were a few other "little lies" maybe not even what you would call a lie but just deceitful type stuff maybe? Other than the pills, I guess everything snowballed at once.

[Wildewoman]

I would still go to them. Everyone is human and makes mistakes.

I don't think you were "decieved" - I think at the time they meant everything they said or did.

Be surpportive . . .

[CKN30]

Xcalibure- thank you for that, it made perfect sense

[CKN30]

Rosy-Yes knew them outside of here. I guess coincidence or whatever. Crazy when you confide in people the people that you find that are going through the same thing!

[Xcalibure]

Maybe your emotions are more heightened then normal.  I know I took pills to numb things because I didn't like feeling things, I wanted to be outside myself.  Maybe your feelings are still adjusting to sober life and that's why your so hurt.  As an addict you know how bad this is and what we do to keep it hidden.  As you say, they should have told you because your in the same situation, maybe the same could be said of you.  You know the situation addicts are in.  Maybe they were ashamed, maybe they thought revealing it to you would cause you to falter.  Maybe they had other reasons, I can't speak to that, I can speak to being an addict and needing a lot of forgiveness in my life and in turn being able to hand it out to others that falter.  Just remember how you felt getting clean and how you wanted to be treated.  I don't think this makes this person any less a friend, they were an addict when you met, and they are still an addict, and they will always be an addict.  Just my two sense anyway.  I'm sorry you were hurt and it is unfair.

[ROSYouralright]

I am so sorry sweetie! I hate that you are hurting so bad! You KNOW what addiction does to us. While we are using lying is a part of it! I am sure the person didn't mean to hurt you! Was this someone you know outside of this site? I wish I could wave a wand and make everything better for you....

[CKN30]

And they didn't come clean out of guilt. They came clean because I found out.  It may have even eased it a little if they would have admitted everything after all the lies. But then to lie and only tell me the truth when they knew they had no other choice. Like I said if I didn't care, I wouldn't care. I know happy, I am an addict, your husband wasn't , you thought he wouldn't understand. I was going through the same thing, the same struggles you know? Why do I care so much. I spent all this time in the bottle not caring and being numb. Now I guess I care too much? I feel like they are fine and I am the one sitting here hurting and all I have done was be honest and so open

[HappyDays2Come]

Ugh I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now. Try to look at it this way: they want to be where you are and probably knew that they were really helping YOU in your recovery and couldn't deal with the guilt of letting you down. They are already dealing with being an addict and the guilt and worthlessness feelings that go along with that. Then, they are combining those feelings with the guilt of lying and disappointing you. I'm sure they aren't on cloud 9 without a care in the world.

I know how they feel because I did the same thing to my husband and THANK GOD he chose to forgive and support me a second time around. The first time I quit pills he was hurt but supportive and loving. Having to tell him that I relapsed was so difficult and he was probably in the same shoes that you are today. I am so thankful that he decided to forgive and support me and it's helped me to forgive myself too.

Only you can decide what is right for you and I just want to give you a different perspective. It never feels good to be lied to and betrayed, especially by someone you trust, but try to remember how it is being in the troughs of your addiction and the lies you told and the people you hurt in the process. We're working on forgiving ourselves, and others are working on forgiving us, too, so who are we to not do the same for others?

I'm so sorry and I hope you find peace with whichever way you choose to handle this and we'll support you no matter what. *big hugs*

[digger1976]

Hey there my friend, I'm sorry you got deceived this way, look an addict will latch on to things much quicker than most people, it's just who we are. You must let this person work through things for themselves for a little while and maybe just phone them now and again to see how it's going, don't run in and try and help, your still in recovery yourself, although you might take something yourself from your chats, the fact you know this person lied and was taking pills will always be in the back of your mind now and this could lead to you relapsing on a bad day when you feel weak yourself. Addicts will lie they were probs sucking from your happiness to feed there misery, using you as a tool to help themselves, I'm not saying they didn't, love, respect or want to help you, but you can remember what raw addiction does to a person, it makes you so selfish, just be careful is all. I would keep away until they prove there self to you and give a real apology for there lies. Please take care and just worry about yourself, let it go!