Will she ever learn?

[mamaof4410]

Long story short...My mom is now getting heroin from my old dealer. My brother in law. She told her husband she had a meeting after work (lie) and was on my BIL's street when  she got into a car accident. I had just gotten home on Tuesday when my BIL had left a VM saying "man that truck is f*ed up" I disregarded it. Then my grandma called and said my mom got into an accident on Division Ave. Then it clicked about the vm from him. So I called him back and asked him about it. He started laughing and said yea shes ok. She told my grandma she was taking a friend home (another lie) I knew what she was doing. Well I asked her about it yesterday and her husband started yelling at me saying she was there for me and this was all my fault. I cried. Because I have been working so hard to do this and he made me feel like a failure. Cuz I introduced her to my BIL and now that Im clean shes still going to him and if it wasnt for me she wouldve never been over there. She doesnt even have money for food and shes buying drugs. I see it from the outside looking in now.

[mamaof4410]

Youre right! I cant fix her. Im just so used to picking up the pieces its what I know. Its hard to change a habit like that, but Im willing to do whatever I have to so I can make sure my family is first. And if it means cutting all ties with her then Im willing to do so.

[Comingclean2012]

Good for you! I know it will hurt and be hard especially with the holidays! However, by not trying to "fix" someone who doesn't want it you will enjoy your family that appreciates the changes you've mad all the more! I am struggling with the holiday situation myself but I promised myself to stay away from anyone who uses so I can stay the path I have set out on! I am only on day 25 and don't want to derail myself by allowing someone who is set on their own destructive path by being around them! Hugs mama! : )

[mamaof4410]

I do know that if an addict wants to be an addict then they will be an addict. I know its not my fault. She was like this before I was born. He needed someone to blame and he didnt want it to be her. Shes an adult and she needs to own what shes doing. And anytime I tell her that she gets defensive...Thas the addict in her. Its like second nature to her to defend her addiction. He said some pretty ugly things to me. And like I said I forgave him for it before he could even have time to think and apologize. I walked out of that house and held my head high because i know thats not who I am anymore. She has a choice also...I cant force anyone to do something they dont wana do. She does it because she wants to. I was really upset when I posted this and everything he said kept playing in my head. As far as Im concerned he's my mom's husband and thats it. Nothing to me or my kids. And as far as she goes until she gets help she is my mom and thats it. I disown her until she wants to get clean and stay clean. Until then I cannot help her.

[blotout]

stop blaming yourself for everything, you are a good person and are hard wired to always blame yourself, ppl make their own decisions, yea you may influence them, but still the final decision is theirs, if you hadnt introduced them im sure shed still have met someone, you know how being an addict is stop blaming yourself for others addictions

[mamaof4410]

Thank you all.
I guess Im so used to when I was little always having to be the "grown up" I still try to do that with her and I cant. Im going to drive myself crazy. Like my cousin said "You have got to stop trying to save her" Shes right I do. I am a grown up now and I have my own kids to worry about and I cant let her bring me and them down again. I just cant let it happen to them.

[Comingclean2012]

The best advice I can offer regarding your daughter is to educate her about drugs and addiction when she's older. God how I wish I had done so for my 23 year old! Also it's extremely important to know her friends and their parents! That was probably my biggest mistake with my oldest. For now focus on you and your health and let your mom deal with her own problems! She is not your problem! That is what I finally had to tell myself with my daughter. She is an adult and has made extremely poor decisions but I will be here if she decides to get clean! I love her but can't like her right now. It was a hard thing to admit and it was actually my psychologist who helped me get to that point! You have helped me stay clean and anytime you need to chat I'll be here! I'll keep you in my prayers!

[Pat1956100]

Yes, I agree with akita.  I have never gone through what you are going through so it's hard for me to offer any advice.
Just want you to know that I care very much.

[akitagurl12]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I can relate to alot of your story, just different family members in my case, but it all still really can hurt.  The bottom line is this... it is not your fault that you mom is using drugs.  
If your family members don't see you for who you really are, and all the things you have already overcome & continue to overcome, that's there loss.  You are an amazing person, who always offers great support on here.  Your mom may not want to stop using yet, she hasn't hit that point where she has had enough, so even if you somehow knew exactly the right words to say to her, I doubt she would even really hear it.  Pray for her, that is the best thing you can do.
And please be proud of yourself. Not everyone can do what you have accomplished.  Hang in there & only deal with people who treat you right.

[Norco1947]

Hi Abritt ,  Yes i know , brother in law ( BIL ) .
Call the local Police , Make the call , One less dealer on the street ... Ron

[mamaof4410]

See an this is what Im afraid of...I have ONE little girl and Ill be D A M N E D if Im going to lose her to addiction. I couldnt imagine her doing anything like this and I never want to. Which is why I want to stay away from everyone that is like this. I changed my ways for my family and I hate to say this but I feel as though my mother is a lost cause. She said "well get clean together" Those were the words of my mom also. It sounds like role reversal. Your daughter is like my mom. She doesnt think she has a problem. Uh when your driving 30 minutes out of the way to buy drugs and you wreck your car cuz your looking down doing a line....YOU HAVE A PROBLEM! She doesnt see it that way though at all. Like you said I have to  withdrawl myself and my children from her and maybe that will wake her up....doubtful but Ill see.

[wantfreedom495]

Mama,

All of your work has NOT been for nothing. I am amazed that you were able to react to your mother's husband's anger with so much wisdom and serenity. I will bet that you would not have been able to give such a reasoned response before you quit using. I am also willing to bet that your response alone showed him you'd changed.

You know that your mother's drug use is not your responsibility. Everyone has to decide to get clean. It's just like that. You are doing great. I find it very necessary to stay away from crazy people as much as possible till I'm stronger.

[Comingclean2012]

I have a similar problem with my 23 year old daughter. It's not easy when the people you love won't or can't see that they have problem. My daughter has been on 1 type of drug or another since she was 15! I have baker acted her, sent her to her father, and have finally in the last 4 months have cut contact with her. I can't take care of myself and my 2 small children when she was constantly coming to my house high as a kite. I even told her I was going cold turkey and suggested she come stay with me and we could do it together. SHE doesn't think she has a problem, of course no addict thinks they do until they hit "their" rock bottom! I would put distance between yourself & your mom for now. Maybe after a little while she'll come around. I hope so for both of you, it's the hardest thing to watch someone you love lose who they are to drugs. I have been on both sides and it ***** no matter which side you are on. Good luck Mama

[mamaof4410]

Yes it does make things harder. But I avoid him anyway I can and my husband knows the situation (his brother) so he makes sure he stays away from him also. My husband has been my biggest supporter in all of this. I did not tell him what happened yesterday because he hates my moms husband so he wouldve beat the h e l l outta him and that wouldve been more stress if he got into trouble. He knows what happened with my mom but not with her husband.
And I live in a small town outside of San Antonio, Division Ave is on the South Side in SA.
I never liked counseling. I usually write down my feelings and come here:) for support. Sorry I didnt get back sooner I started getting a cold yesterday and today its hit me full force. Head hurts, stuffy nose, and sore throat...Better than wd's! But trust me I WILL NEVER TURN BACK TO DRUGS FOR MY ISSUES. You have my word as a new person. I just want to deal with my feelings and get passed them and forgive the people that have hurt me and that I have hurt. Thank you all so much

[abritt121222]

BIL te dealer is her brother in law is what that mean Ron. Just noticed ya didn't see that so it makes it a lil harder I can imagine

[Norco1947]

Hi Mamaof ,  It's hard to get 3 months clean be proud of yourself , Bet your kids see a better Mom now every day .
Who cares what some BIL dealer said , you are a good strong person , He is Sh*t . Maybe a call to the local police will help others . You are not responsible for your Mom . Love her yes ,  but she is the one who must chose , you can only offer help ....  Ron  

[abritt121222]

I'm sorry this is way of subject but I find ths SO CRAZY THE ODDS HAVE TO BE A MILLION TO ONE. Just woke up there's a show 48 hours on TV n I swear to god as soon as I read your post they are talking about division ave. is it n Dallas? Sorry to hear about this to it sounds like you are just being out in a horrible situation all around u just have to stay strong because its not your fault and u can keep telling yourself if you wouldn't have done this she wouldn't do that because one way or another she would get the drugs.

[Pat1956100]

Wow sweety.  You have been through hell.  You need counseling.  You really do.  Anybody who has been through what you have would have a lot of issues.
So proud of you for getting clean but you are still dealing with all the reasons you use.  You have to get help for you now.  You don't want your kids to go through what you did.
Please tell me you will do it.  Make some phone calls?

[mamaof4410]

I told her yesterday and she just kept telling me that this is not my fault. He just made me feel really bad. She said she feels like we hate her (my brother and 2 sisters) and like she failed us. She was on drugs my entire childhood. I mean my sister and I were always being left with different people so she could go do her own thing and it made us depend on eachother alot. I know its the past and in my opinion she has never shown any remorse for it. She went to rehab 4 times and never followed through with her sobriety. I mean I almost lost my family and that was a big enough wake up call for me. Why wasnt it for her. And its hard to talk to her because she dances around the fact that she is an addict and plays the "victim" role all the time. I mean she feels as though the fact that my dad was never around was the point of my anger. Not really I mean it bothered me before but I know now that he had a choice and guess what he missed out. She takes no responsibility for anything. If she starts feeling like Im pointing the finger at her she starts to shut down and turn it around on me. I was a child...I knew what I was taught. I feel like she is a lost cause and I should just cut all ties with her, But I know how depressed she is and I dont think it will help but I just dont want to be apart of it.

[Pat1956100]

Have you checked out counseling?  You have an awful lot of things to work through and I know all about numbing the pain.  You don't want to do that again.
You have a lifetime to make up for that one summer with your kids.
They will forget.  They will remember the mommy that they have now.
Can you talk to your mother alone and tell her the guilt that you feel and how you have to carry this.  Maybe she will get it, and maybe not but tell her how you feel responsible.
You can't force her to quit as you well know.  You can only stay clean yourself and set an example.

[mamaof4410]

But I dont think she is ready to get clean. She has been this way since she was 18. My cousin who is like my best friend and the only person in my side of the family I talk to told me that I have to stop trying to save her. I know what heroin can do to a person. She had never done it before until the day we did it together. Thats why I feel bad. But I chose to stop. If she wouldve died in that wreck I wouldve had that on my conscience because if it wasnt for me she wouldve never known about him. I know I cant change someone but I just feel like its my fault. I did some pretty bad things to get money for drugs and Im starting to come to terms with my guilt and I know I was messed up and someone thats not an addict will never understand how a person can stoop so low. But Im working on forgiving myself and taking responsibility for the things that I have done. Its just hard. I practically chased heroin all summer and ruined my kids summer. That makes me feel horrible as a mom and I can never get that time back. I would make my kid stay in their room so I could "enjoy" my high. I regret that everyday. Theyre only little once and I missed out on those few months. I know I was in a bad place but it doesnt make the hurt go away. I have nothing to numb that pain. Its now all coming at me. I do not want to turn to drugs to feel better I want to acknowledge it and deal with it and Im trying he just made me feel so bad yesterday

[Pat1956100]

Oh Sweety, this must be so hard for you.
My pills always came first over everything.  Food and bills were never a top priority.  I really don't know what to say other than to offer my support to you and assure you IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.  I am sure if your Mom wanted heroin, she would find a way to get it.  There are other dealers in town.
You have to let go of that and tell her that when she is ready to get clean, you will be there to support her.
Big, Big Hugs

Pat

[mamaof4410]

CONTINUED....
I havent done any kind of drug in almost 3 months. He was blaming it all on me. My BIL said she goes over there atleast 4 times a week. I feel so guilty now and angry. LIke I literally wanted to knock the crap out of him because  of the mean things he was saying. He started talking about my kids and thats a soft spot for me. But when it was all over with I told him you know what I forgive you for eveything youre saying beecause your angry. And when this is all said and done I know Im not a bad person and I made a ton of mistakes but I have learned from them and thats what counts. And I left. I just dont understand why she does this still?? I mean I know that if and addict wants to be an addict then theyre gonna be an addict no matter what you do. Thats my mom. I just needed to get that off my chest cuz its been eating at my heart since yesterday. I feel like all my work has been for nothing cuz he said no one thinks I have changed. I stay away from my family so how would they know! I feel so mad right now.