being tested

[Dane74]

I just cant seem to catch a freaking break i swear.  So on Sunday my ankle swell up like a balloon and hurt like hell, i waited it out to see if it would get better, and of course it did not, so today i went to the Orthopedic to get my ankle checked out, that hurts like hell, nope not broke, and the ligaments are all good.  Of course i cant have something normal as there is nothing normal about me.  I have allot of fluid in the bursa sac that is causing all the pain, they are worried about infection, i am non weight bearing and in a boot, and have to see a foot and ankle specialist on Monday.  So here i sit with a RX of norco!!!!!!!  Who will win this fight?  Does it ever end?  I am just so dam pissed at life right now i cant even began to tell you.  As soon as i think my leg will be ok something goes wrong, waiting on the blood results as they were ordered stat, and if all the fluid is still there they have to drain it out.  So i guess this is a test to see if i can win this battle, of course i already failed the first test and got the RX filled, but i also called the shrink and said i need to see here ASAP.  i am just so frustrated and sick of the constant fighting to be well.

[vicki595]

You've got such a grip Dana; I hope you know that...you're strong and tough and I'm so proud of you Sweetie...

Hope it's feeling a little better. When is the MRI?

[Dane74]

thank you so much for all your kind words, and as for my honesty this is the one place i can spill the beans, so why not....  It took me a long time to get to where i am, and i think after a few relapses and lots of scares and close to death from over doses, i have finally came to my senses.  BUT i am very well aware that this is a forever battle and i just hope it gets easier with time.  We both suffer with pain, so now its just a matter of how much pain we can deal with without a pill, for me, i was always giving a pill and 99% of the time i needed it, but the last few years is when the abuse came into play and now for that i have to live in pain, i treat it like a punishment, i will not be stupid, if i cant stand it anymore or if i seriously  know i really do need a pain med, then i will not have a choice, but for me i would have to be in tears and completely debilitated before i take a pill.  I know my limits, i don't have any, so i learned, the hard way, but thats they way i roll..LOL  And absolutely i have days where i am mad at the world and have a pity party for myself, there  are days i just want to throw in the towel and say sc rew  it, and then i get back down to reality and think to myself, it could be worse, so thats what i live by, i think of people who are worse off than me.  Im not saying its easy, as its easier for me to just feel sorry for myself and i hate the constant battle of addiction, happiness, suffering, etc, but life is life and this is the cards that i was dealt and now i am still learning how to deal with it all.  You are doing great, keep up the good work, and when in doubt, reach out for help.  

[magnoliaooo]

Honey there is nothing NORMAL about me either. I FEEL just like you, if I can't get high I don't want the pills either, I am such an addict with opiates. I remember the last time I relapsed last Dec. the dentist gave me 8 pills only. From the very first pill, which my husband doled out to me, started the whole mind thing to get more, sometimes I think I wanted my tooth to hurt to justify a pill but then one was all it took for me for the mental to kick back in. I saw this post this morning and wanted you to know I am so much like you honey.I COMPLETELY understand what you mean about the high thing. I do hope you get some relief and you know what is up in my life, it is so terribly difficult isn;t it? You know how I feel about you honey, I hope you feel better soon

[clean_in_ks]

Was so glad to get on here tonight and see your update.....a possible torn ligament......that's a biggie.  I am saddened you have to go thru this.

You said a couple of things to me above....that have really stayed with me.

First, you said I'm "just 100 days or so ahead of you so that helps."

You got THAT right......100 days ahead of me is a HUGE DEAL!!!  and you ARE an inspiration to me. A BIG one!!  Thank you for that:):)  

Second, you said "I'm learning how to live life with pain without pain pills."

I sooo needed to hear that.  I am learning to do the same.  Compared to past pain.....broken pelvis, sacrum & tailbone....then 6 mos later 2 disks that used to recede w/ice and rest ruptured, would not return where they belonged (lol) and by then I had NO insurance.  For about 2 yrs I attempted to live my live with those disks out of their sweet little body cavities as they grew bigger and more inflamed.  I really increased my pain pill usage during this time.  I finally had cage replacements, rods & screws put in by June 2011.  Then I really snowballed with the pain pills.  About the time I was admitting I was totally out of control....my hubby's ankle flared up (one he previously had a torn ligament in btw...but many yrs ago)  He woke up one morning and could NOT walk!  So......for 6 mos he/we went thru that and I was literally his "feet".....but....this further put off my addressing my ridiculous consumption of pain pills.  Finally in June 2012, I had no more reasons (or excuses as some have expressed to me) to "put off" the inevitable.  I just knew I couldn't w/draw and be sick and deal with the pain and take care of him, too.  I wasn't even taking very good care of myself at this time.  
I don't mean to be needlessly boring you w/health details.....but what I did want to share was how amazed I was that during my hubby's whole 6 mo ordeal of having the ankle fused due to the prior ligament injury....he took about 6 pain pills (and of course I ATE THE REST!!!)  And they were oxycodone....not hydrocodone.....so I jumped on that like stink on s***!
  
How do people do that??????  I know he hurt.....hells bells.....a rod had been shoved up his ankle.....but he got his oxys refilled for my benefit....not his.  (he knew he was enabling me.....but I was breaking our bank!!)

All my "ramblin rose" aside......you have said it all so well.  I think JUST LIKE you have shared above.  I DO hurt for you, but I, too, would not even "court" the idea of ONE stupid pill.......hey, it hurts, let's just put that pain behind us and take two every 4 hrs! (or the whole bottle like you said)  My brain will NEVER get it.....and I know that.

Thank you for being so honest......and sharing exactly how you feel.
It has helped me tremendously!  I deal with pain every day and find some
days I'm angry about it, other days very tolerant and grateful, and other days just depressed about it.  But "it is what it is"..... "and no matter where I go......there I am!"  LOL

"You have touched me........I have grown"

Blessings dear one~
Connie

[vicki595]

You know what?  I'm beginning to get your point...and I understand.

[Dane74]

Girl i  am taking care of me, i got that dam RX filled and wanted the entire bottle!!!!!  Thats why i went to the shrink ASAP, and together we flushed them, i cant take  them, i am so scared to take it and set my body back to where it was, and i am having WD's already from the Ativan so i cant go there.  I know this is wrong, but i  didn't tell hubby about the RX, i didn't want to worry him, and at this point it doesn't matter since i do not have any pills.  Honestly,  i don't think a pill will help, this is not debilitating pain like i have had in the past, this is just a set back that i have to get through.  This may sound crazy and i cant even believe that i am going to say this, but taking one or two is just not worth it to me, if i cant get high from it i don't want it. I just want this ankle to feel better and then i will be back on track again.  I know i probably do not make any sense.   LOL  Thank you my friend for always being there for me...XO