What a WRETCH I have been to others, because of drugs!

[K Todd]

I sit here on my 5th day, as tears roll down my face...

My mind has NEVER been so clear, but with that clarity has brought to my attention, what I never new before...

I just can't believe what I have done to others, and what I have taken for granted. I never ever intentionally meant to take advantage or hurt anyone! Including my life....

OH HOW HARD IT IS TO SEE TRUTH... WHEN DRUGS MASK MY HEART & MIND!!!!!!

I can not help but to hold back these tears....It's just I can NOW SEE  what I have done....I mean from doubling scrips, borrowing money, putting people careers on the line, and not being there for someone when they needed me....HOW COULD I HAVE NOT SEEN WHAT I HAD DONE???

I know I can't change what I have already done, but IT BREAKS MT HEART to be sober and REALIZE what A WRETCH those drugs made me out to be!  How self centered I have been!!!!

I do know one thing...

Being the man that I truly am, I have got a lot of apologies.

How I can see it now....and could not see it for all these years?...is beyond me! - Way Beyond Me!!

I am sooo grateful, even with these tears, that I can now see....and can NOW finally get out of my selfish, self centered ways, in which those stupid drugs caused up in me!!!

Todd

[newgirl2708]

Actions speak louder than words...well done is better than well said...pick one..
Don't beat yourself up too badly..Anyone that knows and loves you knows you're sincere..they know you're sorry. I think they're just waiting for us to prove it..
Take Care,
Newgirl

[enemy48]

Dear Todd~

I've learned that part of the recovery process is to make up for what ever you lost during your time of usage.  If that's not possible, then overcoming the bad and forgiving yourself is the next step.  That's the harder one.

Work on one delima at a time.  Fix what you can and you'll feel good.

What's not fixable, will then be up to you to repair your mind and soul.

It'll be okay.  You're not that bad.  None of us are.

[lucyred68]

gonna hit the hay.  have a great night and a bright new day tommorrow!!

Lucy

[K Todd]

By His stripes....we are healed !!!

Sounds funny saying "I'm not addicted to shame anymore" - LOL

Love ya too Lucy,
Todd

[lucyred68]

He sure will!!  I'll be watching for the note that tells us He has set you free from the shame, as He took all our shame on himself.  We just have to reach out and accept it from Him.  Tommorrow is a new day.  Let Him lift you up.

Love ya, Bro.    Lucy

[K Todd]

You both are amazing! Oxy - Amazing Grace ! What else can I say to that..

I guess what I'm trying to say is the same thing I told R2R.

It was not the fact I was depressed when I quit drinking, it was the fact my body was soooo used to being sedated...that's why they put me on Valium and Phenobarbitol after I quit...because I had a siezue when I tried to c/t alcohol on the 4th day.

The only thing is, my tolorence grew, and I was taking way to much...then trying to cut back, I couldn't sleep so Ambein came in the picture...then I quit Ambein and started taking hydro's again to help me sleep and thats when I was at about 4 a day....but then with the past 9 months I have been up to 9-12 (7.5) hydros a day.

I know I am not a bad person, nor was I ever fake, and I was always myself...its just I seen so clearly today on what I have done (not intetional either)...I never saw what I had done on all those drugs, until today...and I just dropped to the floor, choked up, barely could utter a word of prayer, and tears started flowing, and felt so bad, for the motives behind some of the things I have done, that are NOT me...and thats why it broke my heart to know what I had taken advantage of...and not even being aware of it at the time.

I'm okay....I just really have to let Jesus help me forgive myself.

I know I will never forget now, but I do hope..and pray..that I can lift this burden right up to God, and let Him help me....I could not even go another day feeling so hearbroken like today, and ashamed for what I have done. But thanks be to God, I have 100% faith and trust that He will lovingly walk me right thru this.

Love,
Todd

[oxygirl487]

amazing grace,how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me.....

when i read ur post that was the first thing that came to my mind......when i was w/ding from oxycontin i would sing that song and it always made me feel better knowing that he is there for me......some people will never forgive us for the things we have done but jesus always will......i'm so proud of u sweetie...u seem like such an awesome guy...dont let this get u down...it's normal to feel this way...i'd be worried if u didnt have some remorse.......u have a heart.....love u and god bless u....

[lucyred68]

We need to remember, that way we can stay clean.  But He forgives and so must we.  I don't ever want to forget the hoerrible things i did, nor do i want to forget the pain of wd's. even more important, is the wonderful love of my hubby and friends that just loved me through it and never gave up on me.  it humbles me.  I now can have the pain meds in the house and take them only when the pain is severe enough that i have to get relief.  no more taking it for the feeling it gives me.  i was so thankful that when i took one the other day, and got that feeling like the first time i ever took it.  thankful because  I DIDN'T LIKE THE FEELING ANYMORE!!!!!!!  He has truly set me free.  He will do the same for you if you ask Him to.

Love ya,  Lucy

[sadinmichigan]

you KNOW what i mean...i'll never know "why' i guess bad choice of words..
I hope you are feeling better today>  Motrin kills my stomach too..Weird,,when i have taken so many other things and can't handle motrin..lol
xoxo
Lisa

[K Todd]

Oh Lisa,

I never asked myself why...I cried !!! - LOL

How could I ever figure out why? Sinful nature..simply put.

It's just I never saw it like I have today! - Actually, it is a blessing...It will take God to work it out of me, but He worked out the drugs....He can do ANYTHING !!!

Oh yeah, I buckeled up on the bed with all that motrin i took last night..!  lol

xoxo
Todd

[K Todd]

Oh my sweet Lucy,

I know I will never forget..but that is actually good, it just amazes me how Christ can forgive us with open loving arms at our very cry, but then He has to help us forgive ourselfs...Thats why I say the Love of God is beyond human comprehension!

Chef: Yeah, alot of times I knew what I was doing...but it was not until I am finally sober and off booze / drugs (By Him) that I saw the MOTVE in my heart was wrong in so many areas of my life...that I never saw today!
How you doing? Are you on day 2..?

God Bless You all,
Love,
Todd

[Katrina80]

Its good that you realize what you have done, im right there with you!

[sadinmichigan]

That was a wonderful post...do you understand where i was comming from when I asked why?...I am praying for you, as I know you are for me...(oh yeah..thanks for bailin' on me..LOL JK)..I have done all those things too..and more i probably don't remember..but God is good and sparing me...it's on a need to know basis...right?  
Love
Lisa

[chef4u]

I feel the same way I have lied gone to church worshiped with my church family and the whole time I was lying! to them my family freinds doctors clients i even stoled scripts from my mother who has fibromyagia how sad her i sit day 3 and feel so sick in body and mind but I feel almost like hey I deserve this and I ask God to get me through this and I know he will but I also think that he wants me to go through this or else what would I learn I just lay this all at his feet and give thanks that through him I have ever lasting life and remember Jesus loves you he knew you Todd that day on calvary! and he forgives us because we know him and we are his! btw i was from the whittier area moved in 05

[lucyred68]

Todd, You will never forget but you must forgive yourself.  As hard as that seems, we have to understand that if God forgives us, who are we to not forgive ourselves? are we better than God?  when we truly repent for the wrongs we have done, no matter how horrible they were, He forgives us and burries them in the sea of forgetfulness.  He never remembers them against us again!!  how wonderful to know such a wonderful Savior.  He carried our sins to the cross, and took them to hell, and LEFT THEM THERE, WHEN hE ROSE AGAIN TO NEW LIFE.  We have that totally new life in Him when we give it all to Him and let Him rule in our hearts. What a joy this day of celebration is. in my heart the greatest of all holidays.  Allow Him to heal your heart and the relationships in your life.  He will be faithful.

Love in Jesus Christ,  Lucy  

[K Todd]

about time your back girl - LOL

Geeze...I wonder what day 6 is going to bring - lol  (-;

I have missed you today!

Love,
Todd

[road2recovery]

new---wow, to let someone that shot you, get off, is just awesome, i almost cried just reading that..

cathy--very good point

todd--you are going to make it my friend, i know it!

We all have things we wish we would have not done, but with time i beleive we will learn to forgive ourselves too...but i know for me it will take time...i thought once i got clean that was it, and i think that is why alot of people relapse...We were lucky to find this forum and see we are not alone in this...i sure wish many others will join us, and heal like we are doing...it is a work in progress!!!
r2r

[cathy5841]

todd remember when there are only one set of footprints in the sand HE is carrying you.   HE said...cast all your cares on me because I care for you.  HE is the great healer...tears bring healing and cleanseing.  you are getting there my friend

[K Todd]

thanks cathy,

I know, that's why I am here...lol

Today was just the day that I saw 18 years of my life, and what I had done, and not even intetionally.

Thanks again and God Bless,
Todd

[K Todd]

To: worried - very good point, never thought of the sober ones - LOL

newmanagement: I think we can relate pretty closely...People have no idea what I have done, before I met Christ...I sleept with a 9mm clock right by me, along with all my booze...and all the Whittier so called friends" parties etc...

It was 2003 when I met Christ and stopped drinking, but I somehow became addicted to the meds they gave me in detox (17 times)...the drugs are what really did me in....the BEST thing I have had thru these past 4 1/2 Years...is Jesus Christ! - He got me off 5 other drugs, and now the last, hydros!  He was by my side, even when I was addicted, just as He is right now, as He is cleansing me (as you said)..

I guess today was the day, my eyes were opened all the way back from 18 years.....I do know that I will never forget (which is good)...but I also know, Christ will help bear my burdens!
Thanks Brother!
Todd

[cathy5841]

coming to term with the things we have done makes us stronger.  it will make us stronger in the fight for recovery too.  when you look back and seethe things you have done it strengthens our resolve to stay clean and make ammends in the best way we can for the wrong we have done.  for me helping ppl on this forum throught he hard times is one way of making ammends for those i have hurt.  and if i am able to help one person,  it benifits me so much.  todd, learning from your mistakes will make yo stronger
God Bless You
cathy

[worried878]

great post...and yes to all of that....

[newmanagment]

todd- being who i  was , i so feel this post. i havent commented because it touches home... as an addict, i tore my family apart for years.. as a gang banger, i did things and hurt people in wayz that still haunt me when i close my eyes. some nights i dont sleep at all , because the ghosts haunt my mind and soul. but like you , i have found God, and i know that he has washed my sins clean. but that doesnt alwayz make us forget the things we have done. all i can say is it is pointless for us to continue to beat ourselves up. you are coming a long way bro, and with Him on your side , you are gonna be molded into wut he wants you to be... much love

[worried878]

I remember when I first realized what I had done in the last few years...slowly losing myself...slowly but surely...the lying and for me finances were in the dirt..I saw myself clearly and the issues that I needed to work on...and I thought this is one positive thing about being a recovering addict (as there are not too many positive things) that I can see it..many of my friends/not addicts or alcoholics, go thru their life and never reflect on what they need to change...like "ok this your 5th marriage, do u think there may be a problem here"?  not funny and I really cant say exactly what I am trying to say...duh...u r doing great