brake down

[jonboi76]

Rite I'm john and I'm an addict I lied to you & myself I said I am coming off my meth I am. But I smoked joints iv started meetings & not 1 hour ago I Gave in NOT to temptation but to drugs I'm BEAT I'm in hell I felt like I was going MAD I sooo wanted to phne sumone I'm shy. But I did 2 guys numbers & helpline Got no answer lol my heart broke. But I tried again got through to helpline guys said **** then phned the 1st guy I meet he said I dis right I'm ready to giuve up this dirtuy dirty drug you see I'm a fab guy giv a try once fail I thought that was going to happen here. But no I will make it to 2.30pm today its 4.55am here my eletric is gonna cut out no money for meter But I KNOW I WIlL SURVIVE AMEN please don't let this mad mind of mine tell me anydiffrent xxx

[weaver71]

That's how I described it. No skin and half a brain. Yep, know the feeling. Physically, mentally, and spiritually, I think I know exactly how you feel. A good friend of mine encouraged me to work my 4th step, taking personal inventory, by looking at all the good things about myself. You can't avoid feeling down on some of your past, but don't forget the good stuff. Those selfless acts you did, even in active addiction, then imagine how good of a person you could be with a clear head. Let your good side clean up the things you want to change. You sound like you are right on track, just wanted to share a little something that helped me. I had no concept of "normal," even my own idea of normal. I am not returning to the old me, I started drugs before puberty. I've made creating a whole new me as fun as I can. Sober people actually have more fun. I never woulda thunk it. Keep your eyes on the prize, the promises are real.

[jonboi76]

Thank you guys and I'm getting what I want & need from you guys support advice I went to a meeting and told them when I got no answer I felt all hope gone my heart snaped into But I phned again pushed through I now see its a day at a time wow nearly 20yrs on drugs & I want clean Now lol no that's not going to happen this disease is going to get treated with love faith strenth willpower & being humble (last nite showed me how humble & I needed to stop fighting this Higher Power) I told the group that I hated them for not being there for me But I also said "that feeling went away just as quick) This is my recovery & I feel out off my skin But I will push through go to meeting do the steps and get to where you Great guys n girls are today & then I can help another ME in 6 9 12 18 24 months. Thank u for your great words you guys are the best xxxxcccccxxxx

[weaver71]

Jonboi, I always talk about a window opening, moment of clarity in the middle of addiction insanity. Call it what you want, but I had one too. Hold onto that, the window doesn't stay open without a little help to keep it open. I had multiple near death experiences, but it was that holy moment, transcendent awakening, the light coming on was the glimpse of reality that set me free. You said you know what to do and want to do it. Let us know how we can help you in your journey. Slow and steady is right, especially for those of us who used a lot for a long time. But hey, me and vicki did it, so will you. Watch your expectations, put good nutrition in your body, and build as big a support team as you can. It took my whole town to clean me up. It's so worth it. I went through phases of not thinking I would or could heal, but on faith, I believed in the advice, experience, strength and hope of those around me. It takes some time, but it will be the most important investment of time you will ever spend in the rest of your life. Keep us posted.

[VICourageous]

Good One!! I am going to go I will be back again to see how you are doing..Just remember to stay close to the site as well as the Meetings..You know how it is on here..They come and go..We also have a lot of time differents out here in this big world..You sound good..I hope you can sleep Ok still..That seems to be one of the last things when you get clean..then it all comes back..Like you said slow & easy wins the race..lol

[jonboi76]

Lol vickie yea I always wanted to get to next year tomorow. So now I'm doing everything opposite hehe slow slow wins the race x or battle in this case

[jonboi76]

Lol vickie yea I always wanted to get to next year tomorow. So now I'm doing everything opposite hehe slow slow wins the race x

[VICourageous]

Hi..I know what you mean..I am 57 and have used off & on since I was 14..I do think it is a rough road for us long time user..It takes a lot of looking into our self's and not to give in..Why, What and How does not matter to me any more..I was over analyzing everything in my 7month and I just moved on.2 days away from 8 and I am not going to live in this addiction any more..I have gone to both meetings off & on for years..you will find that as time go by you will be doing the Steps over and over again..It just amazes me that these steps do work for the best as life goes by.Try not to rush it..It will all come in time as you process further..OK Good Job! And Hey you are young to me.Ha!!!
vickie

[jonboi76]

If by all acounts iv just done. Step 1 to 7  in 3 hours I can't believe it " I do though"

[jonboi76]

Hae no offence I'm 37yrs old iv used one drug or another for 20yrs had an addiction 17 yrs. Been on meth 16 yrs & took everydrug known to man & I know just as good as anyone this is a long hard road that iv faield a lot at, I just wanted everyone to know that I have finaly hit rock bottom and can finaly see away to get out and that is with a lot of work and support I want to ask if I can tell the meeting about me finaly see I needed too believe in something other than myself (my miracle) the christians would call it the holy spirit. Honestly I'm not stoned I may sound it but I'm not. I will call it my miracle they talk about a higher power well I found mine there & I want to tell them as they will understand xx sorry I just feel you didn't get my meaning & if u did then thanx for advice & I know I I am going to do everything you advised xx its just such an overwhelming experince to go from insanity doubt shame hatred & realisation your bet & then to see a way out of this hell I'm in x from one ol timer to another hehe hae guys at group say I look younger everyone does give it 6months ill look 87 hehe Vanity is a sin!!  Ohh well I'm aloud I'm fighting the worst disease iv had , oh I never really believe addiction was a disease But if you can go to the point of insanity & get out in one break down then what other name is there for it???? Exactly just one A Disease. The hard works begining!!! I also want to tell my mum everything like I spent the money she loaned me to get eletric to go to a meeting she would think I'm in the "pack" lol I just want to be honset I think that's 4 in the 12 steps apologyse to the people I hurt. A good idea?  

[VICourageous]

Hi Again!! You are still young and have your future.I would suggest not to smoke weed either!! It can just get the brain cravings going up the latter again..So you are down to 15mg on the Methadone Right? I will be honest with you..I am no spring chic and have used off and on through each decade came a new drug or two to try..This is work and I mean hard work to stay clean..You have to change your whole world and life..I had to give up friends right now that I have known for at least 40 years..This is a very, very, very serious disease and Drama or Stress can cause a lot of triggers..You have to divorces all users friends and find clean ones.There is usually some mental yo-yo rides that go along..That is why Support is a big one..get some more numbers too!! Hit some AA also you will really like it there.Yes keep in touch with us too!! Do not be shy..heck we can not see you anyway!! Ha! Also when you get to know this site you will see there is many communitys on here..We also have some fun in some areas..OK Hang tight and fight the fight.
Bless

[jonboi76]

Lol thanks the thing is I thought I could do the meetings come off meth & still smoke weed but I wss not craving anything I wass hating every drug in the world that lasted an hour the maddness till I came down & I still know I can do this with a lot of help but my point is till this very moment I questioned myself I know I will again but I know something stronger is pulling me through this ( I have came down from the weed its not a freak out lol) and to me its a miricale with a lot of help I can & will ask for it now I have humbled myself on here & phoning strangers MAD & not getting answered 3 times and still have faith I can do this Now THAT'S. Working mirical I'm working. I'm terible at getting my mind across nite all

[VICourageous]

OK..Pick Yourself back up and get right back in the saddle and start riding again..Hun this happens to the best of us..OK Just keep going to the meetings and maybe try church too!! You have to keep up the Faith that it will all get better..In early recovery I would bet that there is not many of us that DO NOT think about using here & there..Sometimes it is hard to adjust to living in our own Skin..BUT It does get better..Just keep up the Support from others. OK..Come back on here next time you have a craving or any other issue..There is always someone around on here..OK Just do not beat your self up over this..Move on!!
Bless