dede

[dede2121]

i am back for awhile. i have had limited internet access.
but anyway. about 3 weeks ago i moved into my own apartment. i was feeling really good about everything. things were go. ing well. while moving i couldnt attend meetings so i slowly lost track of going.
need less to say i saw my sister in law and got a pill from her. i just thought to myself that 1 couldnt hurt. well it did. now i didnt take bunches of them just one or two here and there and not everyday. but the addiction is just as strong. so as of today i am getting back on the wagon. i really cant explain what caused me to fail but i did. and i have thought about this place everyday but was too ashamed to come here and admit failure.
luckily i am sick with the flu, again so i can use that as an excuse to be out of work. i dont think the withdrawls will be bad if at all since i didnt take too many.
i feel so bad because i failed you all. i just dont understand why i felt the need to take one again,
but i know what to do.

[magnoliaooo]

     I so understand where you are I have been there several times myself. I looked your days up and we are the same amount of days. Dede don't beat youself up I failed countless times, I have been so dissapointed in myself over the years. We have a disease called addiction which causes us to never be able to take just that one pill. I rationalized that over and over again in my life. Don't blame yourself if you had cancer or some other disease you would not feel that way. It took me many years to get that, that I was truly sick and can't take that one pill like other people. I relapsed many times and each time I had withdrawls , every time the last time being the worst for me. I so get where you said you were feeling good and boom it snuck up on you, been there many times. Be grateful that you did not go back full speed, I think your withdrawls will be slight, just know that you cannot take that one pill it will lead you back in to full blown addiction. I believe in you because you reached out here for help, you can do this!!!  This web-site is a great place to be but I am like you I can't always get on here, believe in yourself and find a road in recovery that works for you, whatever that may be. I have faith in you and I hope you feel better real soon


                                                                                       Mag

[dede2121]

thanks mag,  as i sit here sick the thought of a pill is really in my head. it just wont go away. hopefully it will soon. i cant afford to go thru losing my job and my apartment again. i will have nowhere to go if i keep up with this madness. i really think my sickness today is a combination of the flu and withdrawls, so a double whammy.
i guess this really is something you have to work at the rest of your life. i really wished i had more family support. i cannot admit to them that i have failed again. that is why i need to stop now while it has only been a few weeks before it really gets out of hand again. i dont think i can go to a meeting tonight as i am still running a fever. i really want to tho.

[dede2121]

i have been sitting here thinking about this addiction i have. i dont understand why i have this. i always get addicted to everything i do. when i was drinking, i drank to extremes, when i smoke, i smoke too much. when i shop, i shop too much. where does this come from.
i really thought this last time i was done. i was doing so well and then BAM! it go ahold of me before i realized it. i still feel so ashamed to come here and admit that i caved in. and that is a biggie for me. i never liked to admit that i failed at something.
i want so bad to stay clean this time.

TO ANYONE THAT GOES TO AA/NA:
i went to meetings regularly. the only thing i didnt do was get a sponsor. could that have been some of the reason i relapsed. everyone kept saying get a sponsor and work the steps but i didnt. i kept telling myself that i was doing fine without a sponsor. should i go back and do that. does it really help to have a sponsor?
thanks for any help.
day 2 almost over. still kind of sick. i went to the doctor and she said i have a virus. so with that and withdrawls i feel pretty yucky.

[ImDONENoMore]

I do know how you're feeling dede.  I've been like that my whole life too.  And you know what I think?  I think we are TOO hard on ourselves.  I NEVER expect the people I love to be perfect, so why do I expect that of myself?  Why do we?  We should love ourselves like we do our loved ones and give ourselves a break.  We're human and we make mistakes.  As long as we are learning from those mistakes (and we are) we are NOT failures.  Please be nicer to yourself - you deserve all of the wonderful things this world has to offer.  So try to treat yourself like you do your very favorite person in the world.  That's what I'm doing and it seems to be working.  Slowly, but it's working.  And I think it would for you too.  No, I KNOW it would.  Just give it a try - I mean, what have you got to lose right?

And you came here when you fell instead of using.  That means A LOT dede it really does.  Please allow yourself to feel good about that and NOT the falling down.  You picked yourself back up and you're moving forward.  That makes you a winner in my book.  :)

[dede2121]

imdone, thanks so much for your words. i am really needing to hear good stuff right now. and i am being hard on myself. it's just that i was doing so well. i got a good job, i finally got into my own apartment, that my exhusband paid for. he even bought me a new bed and mattress and a new couch. he would die if he knew what i have done. i dont want to lose all i have again. it isnt much but its mine and a place to live.
i dont have internet access on my own, i just pick up off someone else's for the time being, so i hope i can stay on here awhile. and yes i did come back here. i have been wanting to post on here for awhile now since i started taking pills again. but i was too ashamed. but i did because i know people here understand and can help me.
that is good advice to treat myself like i treat my favorite person. and that would be my ex. he is treated like royalty. maybe i should treat myself like that.

i cant believe i relapsed after i was feeling so good about life. and now i find out that my daughter is officially 7 weeks pregnant. i wasnt keen on being a grandmother but i am gonna be. but i dont want to be a grandmother that is addicted to pills. how pitiful that would be.
right now i need all the help and words of encouragement i can get from everyone here. so thanks imdone and to anyone else who posts.
i still am very grateful for this place. i didnt get to a meeting tonight because i still feel yucky. i am off work tomorrow so that will give me one more day to recuperate. and hopefully i will make a meeting tomorrow night.

[ImDONENoMore]

Dede - you've made some very big changes in your life right now and that can be really hard.  So pat yourself on the back for being the great person you are.

Your addiction does NOT have to define you.  It will always be there, as we addicts know that, but we don't have to live the life of an addict.  We are entitled to the good things life has to offer, we really are.  The fact that your ex has helped you says A LOT about the kind of person you are so don't forget that.  You're getting better every day even if it doesn't feel that way yet.  But it will.  So hang on and don't lose hope.  Remember, when taking the pills, hope is LOST.  Without them, the very first gift you get is the return of that HOPE.  And embrace your soon to be grandchild.  That is WONDERFUL.  Without clarity, we can't recognize the good things in our lives.  But with clarity - we finally SEE those wonderful things surrounding us and we get to appreciate them.  That's progress if you asked me!

And stop putting so much pressure on yourself today - you're not feeling well on top of the withdrawal, so get yourself better first and when you're feeling stronger, you'll do what you need to do.  It's that simple.  Baby steps dede!!  Good things do come to those who wait (I know, kinda corny but very TRUE).

Patience, faith and hope.  Remember that.  :)