dede

[dede2121]

i am back for awhile. i have had limited internet access.
but anyway. about 3 weeks ago i moved into my own apartment. i was feeling really good about everything. things were go. ing well. while moving i couldnt attend meetings so i slowly lost track of going.
need less to say i saw my sister in law and got a pill from her. i just thought to myself that 1 couldnt hurt. well it did. now i didnt take bunches of them just one or two here and there and not everyday. but the addiction is just as strong. so as of today i am getting back on the wagon. i really cant explain what caused me to fail but i did. and i have thought about this place everyday but was too ashamed to come here and admit failure.
luckily i am sick with the flu, again so i can use that as an excuse to be out of work. i dont think the withdrawls will be bad if at all since i didnt take too many.
i feel so bad because i failed you all. i just dont understand why i felt the need to take one again,
but i know what to do.

[dede2121]

i think alot of my fatigue is this virus i have. i was only on the pills this time for about 3 weeks and i didnt take that many. so i am thinking if any at all the withdrawls will be mild. today is day3 without. last time after being on pills for several years off and on, by day 4 i started feeling better.

[magnoliaooo]

     You know your post just really has been on my mind since last night. I really only have computer access in the morning and I was so hoping you would be on. I was fatiqued for quite awhile honestly. The fatique as you know gets better with time, but it really is so exhausting going through it all. It has been 3 months for me and every day I push myself because of the fatigue. Do you still have a touch of the flu? That is probably making you feel even more tired. I think once you get to work and get in your routinue you will find yourself doing better. I always do better when I am busy, seems if I sit with my own mind that is when I can get down on myself.  I know people have told you vitamins help, but for me as much as I hate it I use a treadmill every day. Nothing huge I just go out there twice a day to try and get those endorphins moving again LOL!!!!!   It seems to help with my energy level, however I did not feel like it the first 2 weeks.  

     Yes I have always felt it is so draining being an addict but at least for us today at 50 we are starting to make new lives for ourselves, not easy at our age.  The fatigue I promise will get better and just remember we are here for you and I struggle every day just like you. You are not alone in this anymore.

                                                                        Mag

[dede2121]

i mag, like you i am 50 years old. and you said it right, " it is hard being me".
i still feel somewhat fatigued today. this damn crud is driving me nuts. but i am going to focus on staying clean today. just for today.
i have to go back to work tomorrow. i do hope i have a little more energy.
i will go to a meeting tonight no matter how bad i feel.

[magnoliaooo]

     I read your post last night and I like you can't always get on the computer. My family does not really know the extent of which I struggle. You hit home with me about the addiction you stuggle with. Dede I am just like you, if I drink I drink to much, if I shop I shop to much, if I decide to lose weight I lose to much, if I exercise I always become compulsive about it, and of course if I have pills I take to many. I am 50 years old and I noticed that in me since I was 16. From even that young of an age I really knew I had an addictive personality. My whole life I have just hated that about myself , I have struggled my whole life with it. It is so exhausting being me, that is why I had to finally surrender to it all because I just can't live that way anymore.I spent many years just hating myself inside because I wanted to be one of those people at restaurants that had the pretty cocktail but I never want to stop at the one drink so I so get what you are saying. I so wanted to write you last night.   But today is a new day for both of us we just can't beat ourselves up anymore, we have to move forward and put healthy behaviors in our life.  I know how hard it is I struggle every single day with it because I spent a lifetime on and off in active addiction.  You know as the saying goes take it one day at a time and please don't beat yourself up. Be grateful that you came here instead of taking the pills, there is a life past the pills, just take it slow, don't overwhelm yourself. I always had a tendency to do that to myself, as much as you can post, read, go to meetings if you choose, whatever path works for you.  I so get it about the addiction to everything I am just like you,  You can do this!!!!!


                                                                         Mag

[ImDONENoMore]

Dede - you've made some very big changes in your life right now and that can be really hard.  So pat yourself on the back for being the great person you are.

Your addiction does NOT have to define you.  It will always be there, as we addicts know that, but we don't have to live the life of an addict.  We are entitled to the good things life has to offer, we really are.  The fact that your ex has helped you says A LOT about the kind of person you are so don't forget that.  You're getting better every day even if it doesn't feel that way yet.  But it will.  So hang on and don't lose hope.  Remember, when taking the pills, hope is LOST.  Without them, the very first gift you get is the return of that HOPE.  And embrace your soon to be grandchild.  That is WONDERFUL.  Without clarity, we can't recognize the good things in our lives.  But with clarity - we finally SEE those wonderful things surrounding us and we get to appreciate them.  That's progress if you asked me!

And stop putting so much pressure on yourself today - you're not feeling well on top of the withdrawal, so get yourself better first and when you're feeling stronger, you'll do what you need to do.  It's that simple.  Baby steps dede!!  Good things do come to those who wait (I know, kinda corny but very TRUE).

Patience, faith and hope.  Remember that.  :)

[dede2121]

imdone, thanks so much for your words. i am really needing to hear good stuff right now. and i am being hard on myself. it's just that i was doing so well. i got a good job, i finally got into my own apartment, that my exhusband paid for. he even bought me a new bed and mattress and a new couch. he would die if he knew what i have done. i dont want to lose all i have again. it isnt much but its mine and a place to live.
i dont have internet access on my own, i just pick up off someone else's for the time being, so i hope i can stay on here awhile. and yes i did come back here. i have been wanting to post on here for awhile now since i started taking pills again. but i was too ashamed. but i did because i know people here understand and can help me.
that is good advice to treat myself like i treat my favorite person. and that would be my ex. he is treated like royalty. maybe i should treat myself like that.

i cant believe i relapsed after i was feeling so good about life. and now i find out that my daughter is officially 7 weeks pregnant. i wasnt keen on being a grandmother but i am gonna be. but i dont want to be a grandmother that is addicted to pills. how pitiful that would be.
right now i need all the help and words of encouragement i can get from everyone here. so thanks imdone and to anyone else who posts.
i still am very grateful for this place. i didnt get to a meeting tonight because i still feel yucky. i am off work tomorrow so that will give me one more day to recuperate. and hopefully i will make a meeting tomorrow night.