dede

[dede2121]

i am back for awhile. i have had limited internet access.
but anyway. about 3 weeks ago i moved into my own apartment. i was feeling really good about everything. things were go. ing well. while moving i couldnt attend meetings so i slowly lost track of going.
need less to say i saw my sister in law and got a pill from her. i just thought to myself that 1 couldnt hurt. well it did. now i didnt take bunches of them just one or two here and there and not everyday. but the addiction is just as strong. so as of today i am getting back on the wagon. i really cant explain what caused me to fail but i did. and i have thought about this place everyday but was too ashamed to come here and admit failure.
luckily i am sick with the flu, again so i can use that as an excuse to be out of work. i dont think the withdrawls will be bad if at all since i didnt take too many.
i feel so bad because i failed you all. i just dont understand why i felt the need to take one again,
but i know what to do.

[sudie58]

the main thing is that your wanting to stop, the keeping clean is the hardest part, please dont think of yourself as a failure,your not ,just human. i had a few relapses, before i got clean this time and i do think you learn from them in a strange way. dont feel to bad about it, its done and now its another start, you havent given up giving up!
perhaps you can realise what the trigger was that got you to take it, and you now know that you cant take "just one", keep strong, look after yourself, i really wish you the best.
              sudie

[eyeofhorus2010]

Dede, sorry you tripped up. Don't let it get you down too much. I've always felt that the 6 week mark was ripe for relapse. You'll be alright, get back to the meetings and all of those other good habits you were starting to develope.

I'm glad you caught yourself now rather than waiting another 3 or 4 months. This time no excuses... go to the meetings and post here every chance you can.
Missed seeing you around these past few weeks, we'll see you a little more often now right?
Your friend Bob

[dede2121]

i had a huge post written and it disappeared.
but anyway, eye of all people i hated for you to read that i failed.
i do plan on going to meetings again. i found one that is much closer than the other one. and besides there was this man who kept hitting on me there and it made me uncomfortable. but i did notice about the time i stopped the meetings is when the urge kicked in. i never did get a sponsor or speak to much maybe that caused me to fail at this.

i hope this fever will end soon and i can get to a meeting tomorrow. dont want to make anyone else sick.

i have limited access to internet so i will get on here everychance i get.

[ImDONENoMore]

I agree with everyone here - there is NO shame in falling, in fact, it's what we do when we make the mistake that matters, not the mistake itself.  And you have learned from it and know what to do going forward.  That is ALL that matters dede.  It really is.

I believe in you and know you can continue on and stay strong.  :)

[quitinoxys]

Dede you didn't fail you just relapsed as you only fail when you stop trying to get clean so don't beat yourself up. All of us have had weak moments and lapses of judgment  it is what we do to turn it around that counts. You realized that and came back here so kudo's to you and I am pulling for you and Congrats on Day 1. God Bless---Rick

[dede2121]

thanks for responding.
i am still suffering from this flu. still have a fever. i dont know if it'sall the flu or maybe some withdrawls symptoms.
after only 3 weeks of taking hydros, should i have withdrawls?  it wasnt everyday and usually one or maybe 2 when i did take them.
i am still so upset at myself for getting back into them. i was feeling so good and swearing i would never go back. i just dont understand what happened. it just snuck(word?) up on me and bam. why would i want to go back to that when i was feeling so good without them?

[magnoliaooo]

     I so understand where you are I have been there several times myself. I looked your days up and we are the same amount of days. Dede don't beat youself up I failed countless times, I have been so dissapointed in myself over the years. We have a disease called addiction which causes us to never be able to take just that one pill. I rationalized that over and over again in my life. Don't blame yourself if you had cancer or some other disease you would not feel that way. It took me many years to get that, that I was truly sick and can't take that one pill like other people. I relapsed many times and each time I had withdrawls , every time the last time being the worst for me. I so get where you said you were feeling good and boom it snuck up on you, been there many times. Be grateful that you did not go back full speed, I think your withdrawls will be slight, just know that you cannot take that one pill it will lead you back in to full blown addiction. I believe in you because you reached out here for help, you can do this!!!  This web-site is a great place to be but I am like you I can't always get on here, believe in yourself and find a road in recovery that works for you, whatever that may be. I have faith in you and I hope you feel better real soon


                                                                                       Mag

[dede2121]

thanks mag,  as i sit here sick the thought of a pill is really in my head. it just wont go away. hopefully it will soon. i cant afford to go thru losing my job and my apartment again. i will have nowhere to go if i keep up with this madness. i really think my sickness today is a combination of the flu and withdrawls, so a double whammy.
i guess this really is something you have to work at the rest of your life. i really wished i had more family support. i cannot admit to them that i have failed again. that is why i need to stop now while it has only been a few weeks before it really gets out of hand again. i dont think i can go to a meeting tonight as i am still running a fever. i really want to tho.

[dede2121]

i have been sitting here thinking about this addiction i have. i dont understand why i have this. i always get addicted to everything i do. when i was drinking, i drank to extremes, when i smoke, i smoke too much. when i shop, i shop too much. where does this come from.
i really thought this last time i was done. i was doing so well and then BAM! it go ahold of me before i realized it. i still feel so ashamed to come here and admit that i caved in. and that is a biggie for me. i never liked to admit that i failed at something.
i want so bad to stay clean this time.

TO ANYONE THAT GOES TO AA/NA:
i went to meetings regularly. the only thing i didnt do was get a sponsor. could that have been some of the reason i relapsed. everyone kept saying get a sponsor and work the steps but i didnt. i kept telling myself that i was doing fine without a sponsor. should i go back and do that. does it really help to have a sponsor?
thanks for any help.
day 2 almost over. still kind of sick. i went to the doctor and she said i have a virus. so with that and withdrawls i feel pretty yucky.

[ImDONENoMore]

I do know how you're feeling dede.  I've been like that my whole life too.  And you know what I think?  I think we are TOO hard on ourselves.  I NEVER expect the people I love to be perfect, so why do I expect that of myself?  Why do we?  We should love ourselves like we do our loved ones and give ourselves a break.  We're human and we make mistakes.  As long as we are learning from those mistakes (and we are) we are NOT failures.  Please be nicer to yourself - you deserve all of the wonderful things this world has to offer.  So try to treat yourself like you do your very favorite person in the world.  That's what I'm doing and it seems to be working.  Slowly, but it's working.  And I think it would for you too.  No, I KNOW it would.  Just give it a try - I mean, what have you got to lose right?

And you came here when you fell instead of using.  That means A LOT dede it really does.  Please allow yourself to feel good about that and NOT the falling down.  You picked yourself back up and you're moving forward.  That makes you a winner in my book.  :)

[dede2121]

imdone, thanks so much for your words. i am really needing to hear good stuff right now. and i am being hard on myself. it's just that i was doing so well. i got a good job, i finally got into my own apartment, that my exhusband paid for. he even bought me a new bed and mattress and a new couch. he would die if he knew what i have done. i dont want to lose all i have again. it isnt much but its mine and a place to live.
i dont have internet access on my own, i just pick up off someone else's for the time being, so i hope i can stay on here awhile. and yes i did come back here. i have been wanting to post on here for awhile now since i started taking pills again. but i was too ashamed. but i did because i know people here understand and can help me.
that is good advice to treat myself like i treat my favorite person. and that would be my ex. he is treated like royalty. maybe i should treat myself like that.

i cant believe i relapsed after i was feeling so good about life. and now i find out that my daughter is officially 7 weeks pregnant. i wasnt keen on being a grandmother but i am gonna be. but i dont want to be a grandmother that is addicted to pills. how pitiful that would be.
right now i need all the help and words of encouragement i can get from everyone here. so thanks imdone and to anyone else who posts.
i still am very grateful for this place. i didnt get to a meeting tonight because i still feel yucky. i am off work tomorrow so that will give me one more day to recuperate. and hopefully i will make a meeting tomorrow night.

[ImDONENoMore]

Dede - you've made some very big changes in your life right now and that can be really hard.  So pat yourself on the back for being the great person you are.

Your addiction does NOT have to define you.  It will always be there, as we addicts know that, but we don't have to live the life of an addict.  We are entitled to the good things life has to offer, we really are.  The fact that your ex has helped you says A LOT about the kind of person you are so don't forget that.  You're getting better every day even if it doesn't feel that way yet.  But it will.  So hang on and don't lose hope.  Remember, when taking the pills, hope is LOST.  Without them, the very first gift you get is the return of that HOPE.  And embrace your soon to be grandchild.  That is WONDERFUL.  Without clarity, we can't recognize the good things in our lives.  But with clarity - we finally SEE those wonderful things surrounding us and we get to appreciate them.  That's progress if you asked me!

And stop putting so much pressure on yourself today - you're not feeling well on top of the withdrawal, so get yourself better first and when you're feeling stronger, you'll do what you need to do.  It's that simple.  Baby steps dede!!  Good things do come to those who wait (I know, kinda corny but very TRUE).

Patience, faith and hope.  Remember that.  :)

[magnoliaooo]

     I read your post last night and I like you can't always get on the computer. My family does not really know the extent of which I struggle. You hit home with me about the addiction you stuggle with. Dede I am just like you, if I drink I drink to much, if I shop I shop to much, if I decide to lose weight I lose to much, if I exercise I always become compulsive about it, and of course if I have pills I take to many. I am 50 years old and I noticed that in me since I was 16. From even that young of an age I really knew I had an addictive personality. My whole life I have just hated that about myself , I have struggled my whole life with it. It is so exhausting being me, that is why I had to finally surrender to it all because I just can't live that way anymore.I spent many years just hating myself inside because I wanted to be one of those people at restaurants that had the pretty cocktail but I never want to stop at the one drink so I so get what you are saying. I so wanted to write you last night.   But today is a new day for both of us we just can't beat ourselves up anymore, we have to move forward and put healthy behaviors in our life.  I know how hard it is I struggle every single day with it because I spent a lifetime on and off in active addiction.  You know as the saying goes take it one day at a time and please don't beat yourself up. Be grateful that you came here instead of taking the pills, there is a life past the pills, just take it slow, don't overwhelm yourself. I always had a tendency to do that to myself, as much as you can post, read, go to meetings if you choose, whatever path works for you.  I so get it about the addiction to everything I am just like you,  You can do this!!!!!


                                                                         Mag

[dede2121]

i mag, like you i am 50 years old. and you said it right, " it is hard being me".
i still feel somewhat fatigued today. this damn crud is driving me nuts. but i am going to focus on staying clean today. just for today.
i have to go back to work tomorrow. i do hope i have a little more energy.
i will go to a meeting tonight no matter how bad i feel.

[magnoliaooo]

     You know your post just really has been on my mind since last night. I really only have computer access in the morning and I was so hoping you would be on. I was fatiqued for quite awhile honestly. The fatique as you know gets better with time, but it really is so exhausting going through it all. It has been 3 months for me and every day I push myself because of the fatigue. Do you still have a touch of the flu? That is probably making you feel even more tired. I think once you get to work and get in your routinue you will find yourself doing better. I always do better when I am busy, seems if I sit with my own mind that is when I can get down on myself.  I know people have told you vitamins help, but for me as much as I hate it I use a treadmill every day. Nothing huge I just go out there twice a day to try and get those endorphins moving again LOL!!!!!   It seems to help with my energy level, however I did not feel like it the first 2 weeks.  

     Yes I have always felt it is so draining being an addict but at least for us today at 50 we are starting to make new lives for ourselves, not easy at our age.  The fatigue I promise will get better and just remember we are here for you and I struggle every day just like you. You are not alone in this anymore.

                                                                        Mag

[dede2121]

i think alot of my fatigue is this virus i have. i was only on the pills this time for about 3 weeks and i didnt take that many. so i am thinking if any at all the withdrawls will be mild. today is day3 without. last time after being on pills for several years off and on, by day 4 i started feeling better.

[magnoliaooo]

     Yes I think if you started feeling better by day 4 before then you only have one more day!!!!  If you were only on the pills 3 weeks then I to think your withdrawls will be very mild. When I came off the last time I had been on them for a very long time so that is why I said my withdrawls were hard. I think you are well on your way to feeling better and I am so glad you came to the forum. I think your fatigue is also from the virus. I so wish you well I really enjoyed your post. Let me know how things go for you Stay in touch with us we are all here for you.

                                                                  Mag

[eyeofhorus2010]

Good morning Dede, hope your feeling a little better today. Those times I would relapse after 40 to 50 days and use about as much as you did, my withdrawals were nothing more than mild RLS the first night and a day or two with a runny nose. I'm thinking you're already past the withdrawal stage of it and you're just dealing with that virus now.

Glad to see you're spending some quality time with your friends here at medhelp. I'll send you a message later. Feel better! Bob

[dede2121]

thanks mag and eye. dont know what i'd do without you all and everyone on here.
still struggling with being so hard on myself for failing. i am hoping this is it for feeling bad. hopefully this virus will go away completely in a day or two. and  the withdrawls also.

[jeffclowns]

just hang in there girl one day at a time ,i havent had munch internrt access myself  but saw u here and just wanted to say keep at it and you will win the fight ..god bless ...jeff..

[dede2121]

ahhh my friend jeff. thank you. i am trying again. i think i will win the fight. maybe i just have to stumble a time or two to get where i am going.

[dede2121]

i am still kind of tired but i am going to get up and go to a meeting tonight at a new place.
i guess i got too comfortable in my last quit that i forgot that i was an addict . i need the meetings to remind me.

[eyeofhorus2010]

That's good to hear. I hope you like the meeting group better this time. Remember what I said about your fist day at your new job? If anyone's mean to you, you just let me know and I'll rough'em up for you. Lol.

And I think that's a big part of going to meetings, to keep yourself focused and working towards recovery. Diabetics take insulin everyday (i think?) and addicts work their recovery everyday. That's treating the disease.

Don't let the day start without some kind of small ritual that reminds you that you're adding another day sober today.  As someone shouts in pretty much every Adam Sandler movie "You can do it!"  

[dede2121]

lol. eye everyone was nice. it was a very small group but also a very small town.
and can you believe i actually shared at the meeting. i never spoke at the other one.

i am gonna get up every morning and remind myself that i am an addict.